What are the hallmarks ?

[HappyChappy]

We’ve been trying to rule out our son from having BPD, so would appreciate your view. I know a view doesn’t make a diagnosis and you need to really know someone, but we really know our son and have a very deep understanding of BPD.  He has numerous relatives with a Personality disorder, (but no one in his immediate family) so the gene is there. Secondly he can not under any circumstances admit he’s at fault. Even if you see him do something, he’ll expertly transfer the blame away and I mean expertly. He cannot see any way he can improve or change his behaviour. Add to this that if you ever do suggest he’s less than perfect, you’ve got WWIII on your hands as he takes it as a personal attack and will launch absolutely everything he has at winning the argument at all costs. He’ll even take the argument to the next day if needed.

There’s a long long list of other symptoms, and nothing concrete that allows us to rule a PD out. But we’re hoping it’s all because he’s 10. But even at his age, shouldn’t there be some ability to admit blame, to consider you need to change ? He was diagnosed with ADHD, which explain some of his symptoms, but he’s the polar opposite to his sibling who shows way more than you usual amount of empathy and compassion. Your opinion is values and of course will be taken as just that, an opinion.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi HappyChappy

Yes the blue bird has followed you here too

Since what age has your son been exhibiting what you believe might be BPD traits?

We recently had a thread here about early signs of possible BPD in children. Given what you've posted here about your son, perhaps you'll find this interesting too:

Early signs of possible BPD traits in your children

[Ohiomom89]

From what I've read, BPD sometimes develops (or surfaces) after the age of 18, sometimes from a "traumatic" event which I believe is what happened to my daughter.  She was PERFECTLY fine all her years with us, through school, great at home, etc.  THEN she went to college and so it began... .

I did not think it was "traumatic" as she was only less than maybe 110 miles from home and I saw her very often.  But something being in the dorms, around other girls whom she may have thought were "better" than her in some way, I don't know... .it just broke loose.  She got a medical excuse to get out of the dorms early and moved in with 4 girls, all of whom had depression or some other illness, and she seemed to take on the "traits" of the girls.  Soon she was skipping classes, then went on to the cutting and suicidal attempts, many hospitalizations, in and out and in and out of schools and clinics, wracking up thousands in bills.  Her dad and I were beside ourselves in the beginning, spending $$$$ to pay her rent and bills and loans and everything we could do because she was "ill."  Even after diagnosis, it just couldn't register with us how a totally happy, outgoing girl left us at 18 and became this person we didn't recognize.

I STILL (she's almost 25) don't know the "official, DSM textbook diagnosis" although I have spent hours and hours and hours reading, researching, etc.  Most of all, she just keeps us hopping STILL like puppets--and I know she loves it, and I admit, I don't know how to totally STOP.  Her dad has, he is very detached although he worries for me so IF he caves for money or whatnot, it's for MY sake, not hers, and I hate putting him in that position. 

Very much at the top of the list is her not ever, ever, EVER being able to say "I'm sorry" or admit she's at fault with ANYTHING.  It's always someone else, or a circumstance, or the weather, or she's sick and couldn't do it... .  Also empathy is an issue, although she seems to have it for other people (unless she's faking that, too?).  I once told her I am so wrapped up in her life that my doctor told me (after my THIRD blood pressure medication added) that I am just asking for a stroke or heart attack.  She looked right at me and said "I DON'T CARE, aren't we talking about ME now?"  I couldn't believe it. 

She knows how to get what she wants/needs from whoever is willing to give it to her at the time.  If **gasp** we put a boundary up, she moves on (or in) with someone after the story we "kicked her out and she was homeless."  NEVER happened (although hubby did threaten and print out a list of homeless shelters).  All we wanted was for her to get a JOB (at nearly 25, I think that's a reasonable request, no?    But dear Lord, you'd of thought we asked her to cut off all her limbs or something.  Her car (that we got her in high school, not meant to be her forever car) is falling apart, but she is "not going to stoop to taking PUBLIC transportation."  Excuse me... .I did in my 20's.  All the time.  And did this awful thing called WALKING places. 

Told me not too long ago she was "so ill with strep" and was on antibiotics, etc. and could I do this or that.  I felt bad, of course.  I called the clinic (I made her sign authorizations) and found out yes, she went to be seen for a sore throat, but everything came back Negative and NO Medications were given.  So no strep, no antibiotics.     They "cry wolf" a lot to get reactions from people and this is where it gets dangerous because they have to keep "upping the ante" and she could inadvertently do something to really harm herself without meaning to.

Not grateful for things, "expects" things because "I didn't ASK to be born!"     No "thank you's" or very seldom, and never to her dad, just to me, even if HE gave her the gift.  But I'll inquire if she received so and so, and she'll go, "Oh, yeah, I did. I was busy and forgot, but thanks."  This was a girl we raised to be polite and thankful for gifts received, and notes of appreciation always needed to go out, that's just how it was/is. 

Sorry for the rant; had to vent because we went to an event with her yesterday and as usual, it turned out badly, and with hubby only getting one weekend off a month, we really could have done other things.  Long story short, not being able to admit a fault ever is a concern, and I'd be watchful for other things: lack of empathy, manipulation tactics, EXTREME intolerance of even MINOR criticism, major changes of any sort, etc.  Best wishes to you.   These boards are great, keep coming back.

[HappyChappy]

Hi HappyChappy

Yes the blue bird has followed you here too

Since what age has your son been exhibiting what you believe might be BPD traits?

We recently had a thread here about early signs of possible BPD in children. Given what you've posted here about your son, perhaps you'll find this interesting too:

Early signs of possible BPD traits in your children

A great post thanks, helpful as ever Kwamina. There did seem to be a suggestion that a young BPD will struggle at school. Our kids quiet the opposite, so that's encouraging. He's only 10 so at an age boys show a lot of narcissistic behaviour. I guess we folks can also be over vigilant about these things. But he is Teflon boy when it comes to fault.

Ohiomom89 Sounds like you've got a high maintenance lady of the manour. You deserve a medal. I read that "the traumatic event", needed to come around the age they developed empathy (which I think is around 3 ish). If you've got text that talks about trauma developing BPD latter in life I'd love a link.

I also read that around 25% develop BPD with no trauma present. Our kid has had no real trauma. He does show compasion towards animals. Mind you what value does early diagnosis have ? 

[Ohiomom89]

Hi, HappyChappy:

When does borderline personality disorder start?



Borderline personality disorder usually begins during adolescence or early adulthood.1,9 Some studies suggest that early symptoms of the illness may occur during childhood.10,11

Some people with borderline personality disorder experience severe symptoms and require intensive, often inpatient, care. Others may use some outpatient treatments but never need hospitalization or emergency care. Some people who develop this disorder may improve without any treatment.12

This is from the National Institute of Mental Health.  The "trauma" doesn't have to be as severe as the article states (rape, violent crime victim, etc.) it can be anything that a person deems "traumatic" in their life, which is different for us all.  The many professionals we have dealt with deemed my DD transitioning out of our home and "into the world" albeit her college still close to us, etc., could for her have been "traumatic," coupled with the loss of a sibling several years ago, and a close friend of hers in school.  So, there have been losses and possibly saw the "leaving home for college" yet another "loss."  Yet when offered, she did not want to come back home (possibly seeing herself a "failure" as her friends moved on).  Nobody could really tell us but all I know is she never exhibited any concerning "symptoms" before the age of 18. 

[Ohiomom89]

 

Just also want to add, mental disorders are so very hard to diagnose and treat.  In my studies, so many symptoms "overlap" into other disorders.  I have a friend who cannot, CANNOT lose at any game.  He will sit there (mind you, he's 42) and play over and over until HE WINS.  I played an innocent game of air hockey with him whilst waiting for our food to arrive and I won.  He was OUTRAGED and HAD to play another game, even though our food came and was getting cold.  He hit the hockey pucks so hard back at me, the next day I had bruises on my hand/knuckles from where the puck hit my hand.  Never again.  He is classic Narcissistic Personality Disorder, for sure.  Charismatic, outgoing, helpful--in public.  In private, goes into rages, "my way or the highway," cheats, steals, and very mean.  Totally different "mask."

[HappyChappy]

I played an innocent game of air hockey with him whilst waiting for our food to arrive and I won.  He was OUTRAGED and HAD to play another game, even though our food came and was getting cold.

So your Narky friend and the air hocky table are similar - they're both full of hot air. Thanks for the info.

[kelti1972]

Welcome Happychappy:  You have enough good advice so I will just welcome you and keep coming here.  There is soo much help, knowledge and support.  Kelti