Decided to leave, no support from extended family

[SeaKingPeace]

New here.  Just separated from my BPD husband, but trying to create 2 units within our home to make it easier for the kids and easier financially. 

Looking for info on how to handle parents (esp mine) and extended family who don't understand BPD or emotional abuse.  How do you explain it? 

Most of my friends don't understand what I was dealing with in my marriage, but have been supportive even without understanding. The trusted that he was causing my suffering, and that this is wrong even if it's not intentional.

My parents, on the other hand, never understood the severity of the issues because I wasn't physically abused.  I am mid-separation, and they can't help but show their extreme disappointment in me for not toughing it out at least until the kids left the house, and they feel tremendous sympathy for my BPD-ex.  They, like him, don't believe he has BPD and assume we have normal marriage issues, that I should try to work through.  Even if they started to understand the BPD behaviors, they would likely think that they should be tolerable for me.

My BPD-ex definitely has BPD if not some assortment of Cluster B issues.  He is so deep in his own protective bubble that he might never accept that he has issues.  I have tremendous guilt over leaving someone who doesn't understand why I must leave,  no matter how many times I've explained it. How do I deal with the pressure from my parents and the outside world?  Are there any simple phrases to explain to others why being married to someone with BPD can result in emotional abuse and that the decision to not tolerate emotional abuse is acceptable?  Or do you just stick with a vague "it didn't work out"?  How do I explain it to my kids who don't see more than me being yelled at?  I want them to understand that I wouldn't leave their father just due to yelling, but it seems inappropriate to explain the lying, manipulation, and all kinds of emotional abuse to my children.  And even if it were appropriate, I find the traits and behaviors very difficult to describe to anyone who doesn't have personal or professional experience with BPD.

Would appreciate any guidance or any recommendations on board topics that cover this.  Thank you!

[once removed]

hey seakingpeace and

it can be really tough when those around us dont understand what weve been through, it can make us feel isolated. its tough to understand, if you havent been through it. so on that note, im very glad you found us. plenty of members here can relate to your story, and we certainly all understand. we are here for you  .

the fact is, you understand why you left, and those are valid reasons. others do not have to agree with you, or understand, though it would be nice if they could be more supportive. theres a lot to sort out here, with your guilt, and your family kind of piling on. it helps a lot to talk with people that have been there and do understand.

if youre looking for resources, our article on the evolution of a borderline relationship might be useful. you can find it here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

when it comes to your children, its even trickier. youre right that it would be inappropriate to share too much with them, and it could be very damaging. how old are they? it will likely take time, but i suspect one day they will have a greater understanding. the best thing that you can do is be, for them, the strongest parent you can be. in time they may see that that included leaving an emotionally abusive relationship.

[Wall bike]

Professional counseling helps you understand how YOU got involved in this situation and helps YOU heal.

It's a lonely journey.  Be confidant, you may not have any one in real life to lean on.

[OnceConfused]

seeking peace:

BPD is an illness that is masked very well to the outsiders. My xBPDgf was thought by many as a very nice person because she did not express any anger toward others. I was fooled at first myself as well.

Your parents might not see what you had seen from the inside and they probably are more worried about the welfare state of the children. It is easier from the outside to see the children and not the welfare of those involved inside.

Having said, that you can (1) lean on those who understand BPD - unfortunately,  very few of people around us know about BPD, (2) lean on us here because we know what it is like to live with BPD. If you think your parents need some clarifications then you need to have a heart to heart talk with them. I would list the internal abuses you have suffered out of the public eyes. Share with them, about that and why you must leave. If they refuse to not see it your way, then so be it. YOu have your own life to live now, not theirs.

Seriously, perhaps your parents are not happy with each other but they stick together because social taboo, so they also project themselves onto you, instead of seeing it as it is.