(Unique) With time, can I reapproach exgf with BPD traits after she went nc?

[Arkansasnon]

Hello- I may have posted earlier on the wrong board…so trying here.

Thank you all in advance.

I need thoughts.  I broke up with a girl I thought had BPD traits nearly 3 years ago, after we went out for 3 years.  She has a heart of gold, and some definite traits of BPD.  It took nearly a year to break up.  One year after I left her, I realized how God awful I missed her.

 

After 6 months of counselling I reached out to her in a note.  She immediately wrote back a two sentence note and said she wasn’t interested.  I tried a few times over the next 9 months to reach out and say I was sorry, and express myself.  She sent one letter back unopened.  It was the biggest mistake of my life to let her go.  She sent one neutral email the first month with some materials we worked on while we went out.  After that email she went no contact.  In my last email – I said I would drive right outside of her city and be at a golf course for a couple of hours and hoped she would stop by for me to apologize.  She emailed back almost immediately and said she was not interested in any more contact.

I keep going back to our patterns when we were dating – she would always come around and then say she was sorry for being so stubborn – and then communicate.  I broke up with her – I own it.  My scenario is odd…in that I’m getting no closure years later – and I precipitated it.  But I did the counseling and found my own deep seated problems that contributed to our issues.  I had always wanted her to change – but in the end, I changed.  I am so sorry and still love her so much.  We maybe raised our voices at each other once or twice in 3 years.  I don’t know what to do.  After 8 months of no contact from her at her request, I still want her back, and am convinced I have changed enough to be with her.  Yes, the relationship followed a mild BPD pattern, but she never raged.  Her heart is gold.  I’m in counseling, and the counselor says move on.  I would give my job, money, house – everything.  I pray almost all day – and I’m suffering.  So yes, I am shopping for ideas - thoughts.  My friends won’t listen and don’t understand.  I’m not sure if I understand.  Will she come back?  I’m respecting her request, but is there a way to approach her?  I would wait 5 years.  How would I even begin to get closure?

The relationship began with the common idealization of BPD.  But we loved each other very much.  I was put on a pedestal at first.  She accepted me 100%.  She pushed me to find out my own strengths…because she had so much confidence in me.   There was a big push and pull - up and down throughout, and she had physical ailments – headaches and stomach issues most of the time.  She denied the physical ailments.  She beat herself up with guilt.  She would get depressed.  We lived in different states, and she quit coming to see me – saying it wore her out, but I could come see her.  She would cry for days or weeks over animals and plants dying.  Finally after 2 years she was going to get help.  She went to a psychologist who diagnosed her with mild bipolar.  She really began trying to whip it – who cares about a name.  Then she went to a psychiatrist a month later who said it was mild depression.  After the conflicting diagnoses, she got so confused as to what it was that she quit.  I sense that her parents were angry at me because they held me responsible for her doing this.  I never asked her to see anyone.  Never.  She went on a few months later and got diagnosed with fibromyalgia  - as she said - so she could tell people at work and they may go easier on her.  She started taking meds for a bit, and got so much better.  Then she quit. 

Me – I had issues regarding my own fears, and kept looking for her to address her own problems.  I went to a counselor and friends during the relationship– saying – this isn’t normal is it?  I could have a PhD in BPD from reading message boards etc.  But, I was going to these people like I was seeking approval from a jury – like I was right and she was wrong, and therefore she should change.  After a long time in counseling myself, I realized how freaking wrong I was and that I could have accepted her and let her be.  So, yes – I take responsibility.  I guess it was such a deep connection, I am left confused by no contact.  I just don’t understand it.  She swore she would never shut me out…but I know words aren’t always what to look for.  So, I guess I’m on here wanting to fight, if there is a fight, for her.  I’m left having a daily dialogue in my own head – and beating the stew out of myself – for letting her go.  So I’m on here for honest thoughts of people who have dealt with people with similar traits.  Can I try to reach out in 6 more months…a year?  Saying I can get my own closure – I just don’t know how.  I don’t know how to even begin when I don’t want it.  Does any of this make sense?  I just want to say I'm sorry as heck and I love her still, and see if there is something there.  Thank you for your thoughts.  Arkansasnon 

[Wrongturn1]

Welcome, Arkansasnon!  I applaud you for seeking therapy of your own and working through your issues.  However things turn out, having done your own work makes it much more likely that you will find long-term happiness.

About your BPD girl that you let go, hindsight is 20-20, as they say.  If you would have continued the relationship, you might never have achieved the growth that you have in recent years. 

I think this is a case of "be careful what you wish for" in that until and unless your BPD girl pursues BPD-focused therapy such as DBT, she will be unable to contribute to a healthy relationship with anyone.  There are lots of nons on this board who have studied, learned, and practiced applying all the tools and yet their relationships with the BPD people in their lives are still train wrecks because it takes 2 mentally/emotionally healthy people to have a healthy relationship. 

A final thought is that you didn't cause your ex's BPD, and you can't cure it, so to imagine that she would heal if only the two of you got together now... .that would be wishful thinking.

[Lucky Jim]

There are lots of nons on this board who have studied, learned, and practiced applying all the tools and yet their relationships with the BPD people in their lives are still train wrecks because it takes 2 mentally/emotionally healthy people to have a healthy relationship. 

So true, Wrongturn1. 

Hey Arkansasnon, It seems like your Ex has indicated that she is not interested.  Her feelings, as you know, are out of your control.  What makes you think you can convince her otherwise?  It seems like maybe you are barking up the wrong tree.

LuckyJim