I have one year girl and need to divorce my spouse~

[SuzyJones]

There is no question that I need to leave, but I need advice on how to do this carefully to lessen harm to my daughter.  she will probably get custody most of the time, just based on how grey all of this is to the courts, and the age of the child.  this is going to be hard... .but if I don't leave I'll crack.  I provide most of the income and counseling failed (well, the diagnosis was made during 3 months of counseling).  

[Turkish]

Hello SJ,

How old is your daughter, and what's going on that you are feeling you have to leave?

Her mom getting majority custody isn't a given. Have you been to court yet? What's going on?

Turkish

[momtara]

As hard as it is to stay, sometimes it's better to at least take a tiny bit of time to strategize and gather the information you will need. How much custody do you want, and why do you think you won't get it?

[ForeverDad]

I agree with the others, take a little more time to (1) get (confidential!) local legal advice and (2) get options, ideas and strategies from here in peer support.

It's been commented that many fathers are sidelined in parenting, at least in part, because of the general perception that fathers will get sidelined.  Even my ex's lawyer, trying to convince me to sit back and go with alternate weekends, told me he was divorced and was okay with his ex raising his children.  But I bet his ex wasn't as oppositional and obstructive as our ex-spouses turned out to be.

So don't feel bad for wanting to be deeply involved in parenting, especially since your daughter will need you to help her have at least a part of her life lived in a stable and reasonably normal home environment.

Yes, even the courts may seem to have default preference for mothers, it will likely be an uphill struggle for you.  So stand up for yourself as father and for your parenting.  You don't have to be timid or quiet or accepting.  Yes, you may get orders you don't agree with, you can't get success in everything every time, but always try to get the next orders improved.

I encourage you to get the very best initial temporary order that you can get.  It's too easy for a temp order to eventually morph into a final decree because the judge assumes it's been 'working' so okay to continue it.  Don't get a lawyer who says, "Sit back, let the judge set the temp order, we'll fix it later."  My lawyer said that, the one-sided temp order was never 'fixed' during the nearly two year divorce process.  Apparently my court was not inclined to fix anything and kept waiting for a settlement or trial.  My lawyer had estimated the case at 7-9 months but it turned into 23.5 months.  He wasn't all that concerned, after all, it wasn't his children at stake.

Do you have any paperwork that lists a PD diagnosis?  If so or if you can refer to that counselor, that may help your case that you should be very involved in parenting.  However, be aware that many courts aren't all that interested in a diagnosis, they're more concerned in the behaviors.  More specifically, court is more interested in parenting behaviors than the poor adult behaviors.

Be aware too that once you take this legal route, some spouses may try to obstruct parenting with false allegations of DV or child abuse.  She is likely to desperately try to make you look worse than her.

[forestfortrees]

I really like what was said earlier about considering your options first before taking any huge steps. Can you see a family therapist for yourself just to talk things out. The $100 / hr for weekly visits over a few months is nothing compared to lawyers. It would be good to exhaust this option first if you can. I know it is really hard to see straight if your partner causes continual chaos. I've been there - blamed, controlled, etc. No fun. If there is anything to save, it's worth a shot at trying even if it yields nothing directly. Trying is hard. Counselling may just help you see the situation clearly in the way you need.

If you decide on divorce - Be ready for a difficult process that will send both of you into separate corners. It will be even harder to reason with a person that is already generally unreasonable.

Usually both lawyers will ask for the moon (each want full custody or at least joint and significant support and time. It's very likely that you'll split time near the recommendation for that age according to the family psychologist you'll likely be required to see. There are lots of calendars out there, so read up on it. With your daughter being so young, your time may be limited and in spurts (unlikely to sleep at your house until 3 or older except on weekends). However, it will hopefully increase over time. If possible, have graduated time written into the decree - it will likely save time, headache and money. You want to get everything nailed down you can.

Some questions to consider -

Will you both live in the same town post divorce?

Have you or she moved out?

Is mediation out of the question? If you can, this may still be an option because it would force both sides and importantly the lawyers to agree so you don't fight (and spend) on pointless details. Lawyers are good at arguing and sending revised decrees back and forth over details that may not matter. Make sure that you really press hard for a few things that matter - such as your parenting time, legals decision making, custody, health care and finances.

Read up first and plan out what you really think. I probably won't check in on this - so good luck. Hope for the best for all parties.

[Stylianos]

SJ,

Welcome! - this place is an invaluable resource.  Please read as much as you can.

The earlier advice is key - you need some time figure stuff out before you make any concrete actions that raise the defcon level.

The time is now to decide where your red-lines are - IE going for full custody, 1/2 custody, etc... .Once you know what your position is then start gathering information, resources, and plans to put them in action.

Read the book "Splitting" by Bill Eddy.  it was incredibly useful.

Lawyers - you need a good one who you trust - and who is knowledgeable of high conflict divorces. Interview several research a bunch.

Consider a voice recorder if she is inclined to make stuff up.  Have a plan, an alternate plan, and an emergency plan.

Dont let her know you are doing any of this! its provocative and wont gain you anything except a more hostile environment -

Planning your next move  - whatever it may be - will always be better than making a snap decision on something.  THats not to say it will be easy or pleasant to play the rope-a-dope while getting ready - but you will be doing it for a purpose.

Good luck!

S