Are you ever not "on call"

[solidstate]

So as I wrote in my intro, my BPDdd 28 is currently in the hospital. I know this is good, and actually I think she senses it is for the best at the moment (it was involuntary).

To get there we went through so many trips to ER and several shorter hospitalization. I have no idea, and I suppose they don't know how long she will be there. It will be determined by her condition to some extent.

The problem I have is I feel shell shocked by too many instances where she was very ill and people still turned her out of the hospital. She does not live with me (and thanks to behaviors leading up to this admission, she no longer has a roommate to live with either). Due to conditions in my home (stepdad and she are like gas and lit matches together), I can't have her living here, so I have been financially supporting when she can't work, which due to other illnesses (actually diagnosed, not ones she is seeking as a way out of work) is most of the time.

I work and am attempting the second year of a nursing program. The program advises students not to work at all, but I can't afford not to.

My question is, what do you do to avoid feeling like you are "on call" 24/7? I need to be able to focus on other aspects of my life, but feel challenged to do so, due to cycles of on going crisis. Also feel like a one person social service agency since what dd apparently needs and what she often gets is miles apart.

I just live with an overwhelming feeling of I don't know where, and I don't know when, but something terrible is always around the corner waiting to attack.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kelti1972]

Hi solidstate:  I go to 12-step program and it has saved me, as well as this group.  I don't know if that is something that would help you, but it really has sustained me and helped me to live one day at a time.  You can call the phone board anytime and just listen to all the help and advice, you dont even have to participate.  I also go to face to face meetings and have a sponsor.  I know that mindfulness also teaches you to stay in the moment.  I haven't read that book yet, or studied it, but I plan too.

Good luck.  Kelti

[Ohiomom89]

Great advice, Kelti.  Mindfulness has helped me a LOT.  I took a 8 week course and it was WONDERFUL.  For that one and a half hours, once a week, it was ME time.  I learned a lot, got a lot of great handouts to read and refer back to, and connect with others.  It is often offered free through local hospitals or clinics, but definitely, a good book/cd on Mindfulness is indeed helpful.  And I also do a 12-step program as well.   

Solidstate:  I feel your pain.  My dd is 24 and I've been dancing this dance almost 7 years.  I'd like to say I don't feel "on call" 24/7 but I do.  My husband has learned to detach with love; it's harder for me. She has been the sole "pink elephant in the room" even though she's not in the home; she's a topic of conversation every single day and I'm getting better (finally) at curtailing that--for my sanity/health, my marriage and for BPdd, who has to learn to live out in the world with the choices AND the consequences of her choices.  She's got ALL the tools she needs to succeed (although she'll say differently).  She's been hospital banned, she's been admitted so much.  They've said there is nothing more they can do or teach her, she has to do the work herself.  We can't keep bailing her out; by doing so, we are inhibiting her growth.  That's how I personally HAVE to think about it or I will go crazy.  I have to MINDFULLY tell myself, okay, this is what she wants/needs:  by doing or giving, am I helping, or am I hurting her?  This CAN rule your life and yes, most of the time, I'm still letting it rule mine.  Slowly, though, I am learning what my husband learned a few years ago--always be there, let her know she's loved, valued and part of the family, but at nearly 25 years old, she's got to establish her own life. She moves from person to person to person... .couch surfing, etc.  Sob stories of how AWFUL we are to leave her penniless and homeless!    Seriously, she is driving the car WE bought her; we had our home paid off at one time but now have a mortgage from her early hospitalizations and us not knowing what was going on and scared to death with the cutting and suicide "attempts" (she'd call at 2 a.m. saying she swallowed a bottle of narcotics, we'd call 9'1'1', drive 120 miles to the hospital, and by the time we got there, lab work showed NOTHING (or trace amount) in her system).  We were (and I still am at times) like a puppet. 

I have to ask you though:  you said she was "very ill and people still turned her away from the hospital."  Did you witness this firsthand?  I am just asking because I have danced this dance, too, several times.  Several. My 24 yr old BPDdd has cried wolf SO MANY TIMES.  She will tell me she's "running a 103 degree fever, has strep throat and is on antibiotics" and can I bring her food (120 miles away) because she has "no money."  I don't know what state you are in, but in mine, our kids can stay on our health insurance until age 26, regardless of school/work/etc. status.  The key word is CAN STAY.   Mind you, we pay no extra to keep DD or DS on, so of course, we want them insured.  But because of BPDdd's many hospital trips, ER trips, Urgent Care and specialists, she is wracking up THOUSANDS of dollars to HER detriment, in co-pays.  So what Hubby did was tell her "you can stay on our health insurance, however, you MUST let your mom and I, or just mom, have complete access to your health records by signing the appropriate authorizations."  This has helped us in many ways.  Of course, she moaned and groaned about "my PRIVACY!"  Well, too bad... .when she is getting us to run and jump and miss work due to "illnesses" that never were, it was a step we had to take.  As I mentioned above about the Strep throat, 103 degree fever incident, I called the clinic and yes, she was seen in the ER... .but guess what.  No strep (not even a sore throat/redness), NO fever (very normal 97.6) and was given NO MEDICATION.  And yet she walked around with one of those hospital masks on her nose/mouth and laid around in bed and lost her job.  At 24, she's had probably 13 jobs now... .none lasting more than a month to six weeks, tops.  (In high school, when she lived with us, she kept the same convenience store job for 3 years). 

I would really love to talk to you some more, in private, if you'd like to message me.  It's none of my business, but I am curious what your DD's other diagnosed illnesses are because my DD doctor shopped until she found some who actually did diagnose her with a few things (ridiculous things!  One thing so rare and genetic, it would have shown up at birth/definitely by age 2, and this girl is perfectly normal and healthy--physically).  Not minimizing any truly diagnosed illnesses by any means--and I'm so sorry if she does have other health issues because BPD in and of itself is enough to deal with!  :'(   I am just curious if these are actual things you know to be undoubtedly true, because unfortunately, even a piece of paper from a physician can be deceiving as I have found out the hard way.  Borderlines know the in's and out's of a lot of things, and are usually very bright, intelligent individuals.  But they can also be good enough to fool professionals, especially if they doctor-shop / hop / move around as my DD does.  She, at 24, has even got a physician to sign a form for her to have a Disabled License Plate, which angers me no end.  Open the trunk of her car, and she has a wheelchair, crutches, braces for wrists, knees, ankles... .it's like a medical supply company on wheels. 

I deal with a type 1, brittle diabetic husband (and like you, hubby and DD are like fire and water when in the same room).  I am the guardian of my mother, who has severe Dementia and developed Epilepsy six months ago as well, and I have a son off in college about 110 miles in the opposite direction of DD.  He graduates in May, and has held a 4.0 all semesters for 5 years while working TWO part-time jobs, even weekends.  He is a year younger than DD, and I know her estrangement from him results from jealousy or just her own insecurities and I am so sad about this; my son wants badly to have a relationship with his sister.  She was the first to go off to school and has had every opportunity--MORE, actually--than he has as far as our help in getting higher education.  She drops out as soon as things get the least bit difficult, and puts herself in hospital--how can anyone blame her for that?    They (hospitals/doctors) caught on to the cycle long before I did.  She is now, at nearly 25, going back yet again and that's great--however, I know she isn't remotely ready, she's living on a couch, has ten bucks to her name, no job... .I asked her to wait until Spring, when she's more settled and can focus, but is so impulsive--two weeks before the semester starts, she wants to go.  And this, too, sadly will wrack up more loans and bills and she'll be overwhelmed and drop out.  It has been the repeated cycle, ad nauseam. I DO get my hopes up each time and I DO encourage, support and let her know how proud of her I am.  I try to build her up, she is bright, beautiful, talented.  This insidious BPD is a wrecking ball, however, it IS treatable and there IS hope!  I've seen it in others.  The affected individual, however, MUST MUST MUST want to get better and do the work it takes to do so.  Unfortunately, it's much easier to stay the victim.  Bless you, and please message me if you'd like (at 28, you should not be responsible for supporting her, there are agencies to help).  I have nurses in the family and it is a horrendous amount of work--if you do not care for yourself physically, you won't be able to be there for DD.   

[solidstate]

Kelti- I do think a 12 step program might really help. Funny thing is I ordered a book to use for daily affirmations and such. If any issue requires surrender and acknowledging  our powerlessness over it, BPD surely fits. When you talk about the phone board, I'm not familiar with that, can you tell me more about it?

Ohiomom- you are so right about both the mindfulness and the idea of preserving my own health as being priorities. I really try to keep on top of getting to the gym and eating decent food. My supplement collection is ridiculous, but I have hit upon a few things that for me really seem to help. For mindfulness I really need to learn how to deal with what I have in front of me, instead of letting my fears of what might happen run away with me.

As for her other illnesses, they are real. She has other major mental health diagnoses, which seem to change and I will be interested to learn what the psychiatrist for this hospitalization will say.

I think I'm like you in that while she doesn't live with us, my thoughts are pretty much consumed by her and her problems. I love her, and like you say we do go to the ends of the Earth for them (you literally; I live only about an hour away).

I'm just hoping I have enough brains left to do school. If I don't give it it's due, that's a lot of tuition thrown out the window.

Thanks also for affirming the idea that it is possible to care very much, yet not live with our grown kids- and that it may be the best for all concerned. I get flack from professionals and family members alike about "can't she just live with you?" NO! Stress levels as bad as they are now would be so much worse for all three of us.

Like your daughter, mine was very productive prior to the illness, held employment and did well in school. That's one of the major confounding things: how can such bright people be  so dysfunctional? I know it has to do with executive functioning and impulse control, but it just makes you shake your head

thank you both for giving me lots to think about- and Ohiomom, I will pm

[kelti1972]

Hi solidstate:  The phone board is a number you call at certain times during the night or day.  You can look it up on the internet.  Type in alanon phone board, hopefully it will pop up all kinds of information, times, etc.  If you have any problems, let me know.  I don't have the number handy right at the moment.  Also there is a group called Recovery Int.  You can look that up on internet tool  It also has a phone board you can call into and just listen or participate.  It is usually fridays, sats. and sundays.  I know they have other meetings during week also.  It is mental health through will training.  It changed my life when I had post-partum depression with my first child. I keep thinking, if only my son would go to that and untilize the tools they offer.  He says he cannot connect with it.  He is doing the dbt and therapy. 


Ohiomom89:  I have a son that is BPD.  Thank you so much for all your input.  Great input.  Kelti

[thora]

In a word, no. I'm never not on call. I feel your pain! Dads, stepdads may be able detach more easily or simply get fed up with the constant need. It's so hard to see our kids suffer even if it's a result of their own actions. Especially if it leaves them "all alone" which is the BPDs greatest fear.

My DD started with issues at 12 and it has continued to today at 19 with no end in sight. BPD is a relatively new insight into her issues and seems to fit. She's a very sweet person and not verbally abusive as I've read with so many others. I'm thankful for that.

But it's continual roller coaster of unpredictability and you can never give enough to fill the well of want.  She is not willing or able to set a healthy structure for stability for herself or seek healthy personal relationships. Though she has been in treatment since age 13, nothing has really helped her get on track with her life. She has really been in survival mode—with me intervening to a large extent during her early teen years to ensure she went to therapy, took her meds, went to school, etc. She has be lucky enough to have treatment to the fullest extent since we first became aware of her mental health issues. Unfortunately, we've had little hope these last 6 years things will turn around.

Most recently, after some very serious issues, I researched RTCs extensively and found one I thought would work and she agreed to. I've taken so much time off of work and feel very distracted and unable to do my job to the best of my ability because of her constant problems. After only a few days, she's pressing to come home and we are scrambling to figure out continuity of care (PHP, IOP, NarAnon) and what it will mean for us to have her home again. We don't want to have to monitor her follow-through or sobriety and we feel it sets us up to be the enemy once again.

There are no easy answers to any of this. But know you are not alone and be good to yourself as much as you can in the midst of strife. I've been reminded today by my therapist it's important to let our BPDs know their do actions have impact on others, too. They tend to look at the world in a very egocentric way without taking others into account. Eventhough our BPDs are struggling to find relief from all that goes on in their minds, taking care of their mental health is their responsibility and noone can do it for them (i.e. take meds, go to therapy, stay sober, etc.)

Keeping a good thought for all of us and our BPDs.

[js friend]

Hi Solidstate,

When my dd lived at home  dds often felt like I was on call 24/7. I was living in a state of continued anxiety expecting the next crisis... .or bombshell.

The Crisis's were more or less always around her and b/f r/s and bombshells were often centred around the newest revelation of the latest boy dd had slept with. I lived like that for years, putting off my own dreams and ambitions to try to sort dd out. I remember starting an evening class  that required me to be there 2x a week,and only being there a good 3 wks before I felt that I had to give it up because dd was taking advantage of me being out of the house to go to these classes. I felt that I needed to show dd I was "being there" and "doing more" to sort out my rebellious teen not that dd cared in the slightest.

Anyway recently dd found the work from these classes but couldnt remember

me having ever taken the classes and asked me why I gave it up. I told her the truth that at the time I felt that things were just too bad at home it was just too difficult for me to focus on anything for any period of time.

dd genuinely seemed shocked and suprised with what I told her and said that she couldn't remember this period of time, and I honestly do believe her as she was so out of control at the time that Im sure that her mind  is so fractured and she was so implusive at the time that her mind just cant or doesn't want to remember this period of time.

But now she is out of my home and I have Radically Accepted that she is more than likely BPD and ill and this is longterm, now  things are much better for me although dd still  just expects me to drop everything the moment she is crisis's.She is stuck in this pattern but iam not. I have moved on and a Iam getting on with my life. It does no good to give your life and ambitions up for your pwBPDchild. They wont thank you. Your are not abandoning your dd, you are getting on with your own life. I have found that it is better to model good behaviour especially with my dd and give her someone to look up to. I know she wishes a better life for herself and this has lead her to try college 4 times now.It would do no good if I was depressed along with her.

DD's crisis's bother me less too now.She has a couple of  SW to deal with her crisis's which are still many and she has them running all over the place for her as I used to. She manipulates them and they believe her every word just like I used to and i just watch and just let them get on with it. I dont think it has crossed their minds that dd is mentally ill at all. They are fixers so I let them do their job. I leave them to deal with her crisis's unless they are to do with gc. Otherwise I feel  unburdened by them... I I am not sucked in by the lies and not easily manipulated anymore which im sure  has  made dd feel she has to resort to telling some really big lies lately.

Dont let go of your own dreams Solidstate. Time will pass you by and you will become stuck. If your dd has a SW or caseworker let them take some of the slack. 10 yrs from now if im still here I know that the pattern with my dd will still be the same essentially unless she gets help. She will repeat, repeat and repeat over and over again as she has done the same for years and that I am pretty sure of.

[OutOfEgypt]

I may be a bit underqualified to respond to this, since it can still be a struggle for me.  I've been dealing with a now ex-wife who has BPD for 16 years, and both when I was married to her and even still now there is always a crisis of some kind.  The one thing that I will say is that her crises impact me much less now than they did when we were married.  The main issue is when her crises occur in the presence of our youngest child, when she is at her mom's.  That little "hook" keeps me stuck, I admit.  But in general the distance in the relationship has made it easier for me to see much more clearly what is her problem and what is mine, and her problems are not my problems.

But I do still struggle with this with her son, my step-son, who I'm convinced also has BPD.  I no longer feel as "on-call" as I used to, though, even though it is still very hard (my recent post).  I remember when I first lived alone after the divorce, if I saw a phone call from a number I didn't recognize I wouldn't answer it.  I knew it was something bad.  One time I listened to the voice-mail message afterwards, and it was my son's latest "helper", some mother who decided to take him in because he was friends with her daughter and was like a lost puppy, was calling to complain to me how he was flipping out and yelling and screaming in the streets and how neighbors called the cops on him.  I'm glad I didn't answer.  What was I supposed to do?  :)rive over there.  And do what exactly?  How would that do anything to result in a different outcome, and how would it help him?  It wouldn't.

I am happily re-married now, and I have two children from my previous marriage (my step-sons siblings) and two step-children from my current wife.  And the one thing that helps is reminding myself that it is not selfish for me to think of them, too.  Raising my step-son with his BPD mom, he always had a crisis.  She did too.  They both did.  It's like the entire home revolved completely around them and their complaints and crises.  It was awful.  But now, if I allowed his crises to rule my home, it would be truly unfair to the other children and to my wife.  It isn't just about me being able to live my life, which is reason enough.  It is about the lives of the other people, too.  They deserve having me present, which means I need to take seriously the call to let go quickly.

I still worry about pray for my son, and I also often feel like something bad is always just around the corner.  That statement was actually why I decided to reply. I identify with that soo much -both when I was married to his mom and even today.  I'm afraid of the day when I'm going to find out that he committed suicide, for example.  But it could really be any lesser thing.  Recently, it was drugs.  Just before that, it was getting arrested for domestic violence.  Before that, it was another run in with the police and a restraining order.  He called me for bailout money, and my wife told him I was sleeping.  But if I did talk to him, I would have told him "no."

It is awful, but the thing I am learning with him is that I have to let go.  I love him, and when he is doing well I am happy when he visits, but otherwise I need him to know that I love him but that I'm not a hotel, I'm not a money-tree, and I'm not going to revolve all around him.  My main problem is that I don't know how to talk to him in a way that will be helpful and steer him toward getting treatment.  But I don't even know if there is a way to do that.  I'm thinking that part of my healing is learning to let go.  Letting go, as it says in a poem, doesn't mean you don't care.  It means you just accept that you cannot do it for them.

I have to realize that my son may never get help, but it is not fair to the lives of the other people I love and care for to let him constantly seek attention from me by more and more explosions in his life.  He knows there's something wrong within him that needs help.  He knows it, but he cannot look at it.  But I also cannot make him look at it.  That is the sad, sad truth.  Right now he lives on his gramma's couch.  Before that, he sleeps in the park or finds some other random friend who will let him crash.  He's basically homeless, but I still cannot let him move back into this house.  He gets angry whenever we talk about treatment.  He mainly only comes by when he needs something or wants money.  What else can I really do?  What else can you really do?  Your dd is an adult, after all, right?

I know it is easy to feel like they have "nobody", but that's not really true.  If your dd is anything like my ex-wife and my step-son, they are always very adept at finding a new person to support them for a time, to enable them, to carry them and never tell them, "no more."  And even beyond that, it isn't true that they have nobody.  They have themselves.  And that is the only "somebody" who can really make things better for them.  Nobody else can.