downward spiral

[Parents! Get help here!]

So first let me say that my DD was doing so much better, over the past 4 or 5 months, there have been little to no issues, and certainly no raging. Last night, however, the drama began again. It of course carried over into today, and she is still going. I am reflecting on the events ( it was primarily between DD and DH  last night ) and wondering if DH isn't a bit BPD also.

The whole thing happened because DH and I were having a conversation about the up coming week-end, I reminded him that we had children that wanted to get together. DD pipes up( buts in actually ) and wants to know what children, so I told her that her sister and her family wanted to get together. DD was immediately angry, she started yelling about whenever she wants to go do anything on her dads weekend off, I say no because I want to spend the time with him, why can't I say no to her sister.

here is the back story... .DH works shift work and we only get every other weekend together, I work straight days Mon- Fri. So I see him only a few days a week. DD Lives in our home, she does not work, does not go to school, does nothing, basically, and sees both parents daily regardless of shift. My older DD, the one wanting to get together works as an RN in the ICU and her schedule is hectic at best.

DH told DD to stop being petty, we see her all of the time and so what if we want to see her sister, she started telling us that's not the point, the point is, we treat her differently, we abuse her and are mean to her etc.etc., keep in mind, she is 31 1/2 years old, not a child by any means. so the 2 of them began arguing and calling each other names, it just kept going. DD is saying we never do anything for her, blah blah blah, DH points out, she lives in our house for free, we support her and her son financially, she does no housework, does no cooking or dishes, does no yard work, does nothing to earn her keep. We just a week ago bought her a new bicycle because she wanted to ride with her son, and we take her to all appointments, but if she wants to be such an ingrate, that won't happen anymore. blah, blah blah.

fast forward to today, I get the 1st phone call about an appointment she has tomorrow and DH is refusing to take her, can I? I tell her let me see what I can figure out, she seems alright with that. ten minutes later she calls back hysterical telling me Dad said yada yada, while I am talking to her DH calls and he screams at me, don't you do anything for her, she is so ungrateful, yada yada, she calls again and again and again, I asked her to please stop calling me at work, so she starts texting , I delete without reading because she is on one by now and the entire fiasco is being blamed on me.

I  believe she is acting like a spoiled little two year old that was told no for the very first time, but I also believe my DH should have used skills, he should have stopped and thought prior to responding to her, and he should have never ever engaged her in battle. Both of them are wrong and both of them are trying to draw me in. I am not going to engage with either one, but I really feel defeated at the moment.

Thank you for letting me vent, I feel somewhat better just getting it off my chest.

[tristesse]

So first let me say that my DD was doing so much better, over the past 4 or 5 months, there have been little to no issues, and certainly no raging. Last night, however, the drama began again. It of course carried over into today, and she is still going. I am reflecting on the events ( it was primarily between DD and DH  last night ) and wondering if DH isn't a bit BPD also.

The whole thing happened because DH and I were having a conversation about the up coming week-end, I reminded him that we had children that wanted to get together. DD pipes up( buts in actually ) and wants to know what children, so I told her that her sister and her family wanted to get together. DD was immediately angry, she started yelling about whenever she wants to go do anything on her dads weekend off, I say no because I want to spend the time with him, why can't I say no to her sister.

here is the back story... .DH works shift work and we only get every other weekend together, I work straight days Mon- Fri. So I see him only a few days a week. DD Lives in our home, she does not work, does not go to school, does nothing, basically, and sees both parents daily regardless of shift. My older DD, the one wanting to get together works as an RN in the ICU and her schedule is hectic at best.

DH told DD to stop being petty, we see her all of the time and so what if we want to see her sister, she started telling us that's not the point, the point is, we treat her differently, we abuse her and are mean to her etc.etc., keep in mind, she is 31 1/2 years old, not a child by any means. so the 2 of them began arguing and calling each other names, it just kept going. DD is saying we never do anything for her, blah blah blah, DH points out, she lives in our house for free, we support her and her son financially, she does no housework, does no cooking or dishes, does no yard work, does nothing to earn her keep. We just a week ago bought her a new bicycle because she wanted to ride with her son, and we take her to all appointments, but if she wants to be such an ingrate, that won't happen anymore. blah, blah blah.

fast forward to today, I get the 1st phone call about an appointment she has tomorrow and DH is refusing to take her, can I? I tell her let me see what I can figure out, she seems alright with that. ten minutes later she calls back hysterical telling me Dad said yada yada, while I am talking to her DH calls and he screams at me, don't you do anything for her, she is so ungrateful, yada yada, she calls again and again and again, I asked her to please stop calling me at work, so she starts texting , I delete without reading because she is on one by now and the entire fiasco is being blamed on me.

I  believe she is acting like a spoiled little two year old that was told no for the very first time, but I also believe my DH should have used skills, he should have stopped and thought prior to responding to her, and he should have never ever engaged her in battle. Both of them are wrong and both of them are trying to draw me in. I am not going to engage with either one, but I really feel defeated at the moment.

Thank you for letting me vent, I feel somewhat better just getting it off my chest.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Glenna]

Sounds hideous for you. My uBPDd36 used to call me at work and she was so loud that others nearby could hear her. I just sat there embarassed. I would hang up sometimes but she would call right back. Hideous.

I am much better at dropping out of things now. I hang up on anyone anytime if they start any kind of abuse. Of course it takes a toll on me as it's stress, but I try to make the least of it.

I'm sorry you have this situation. I have no advice but stay out of it as you are doing. My daughter is sometimes surprised, actually caught off guard and has no choice but to be civil, when I react in a totally unexpected way. Just as she can turn vicious in a second, she can drop it fast if she suddenly sees me as on her side. Which if she were not sick she would see I always am.

Good luck.

[lbjnltx]

Being the one caught between the warring factions is a sticky spot, especially when trying to keep the peace and work with all parties.

Maybe reviewing this information on triangulation (good and bad) can give you an idea on how to be a neutral and stabilizing force between your husband and daughter.

https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/08.htm

[tristesse]

Thank you to the both of you.

lbjnltx, I had the same thought, so I did review it. I came out unscathed. But DD has been a little off and really looking for things to fight people about... .last night I realized why, school starts this morning, so her son will be away all day again. Any change is difficult for her, and sending her son to school has been difficult for her since pre-school, this year is first grade. So having figured out whats going on with her, I will just sit on idle for the next few days, until she gets used to the change again.

I do  appreciate any and all advice and suggestions. so thank you both very much.