My first post

[Whodathunkit]

Hi all. I have tears welling up simply thinking that I might be able to connect to others who have similar experiences to mine. I guess if this works, it's an example of the best that the internet has to offer: connection and support even in the midst of isolating and obscure circumstances. At issue is my daughter. I feel so deeply sad contemplating the recognition that I've brought into being a life full of torment and misery. Ok, that's it for now... .going to look around the site.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[madmom]

Welcome Who

I have a 27 year old daughter with BPD.  We have been dealing with this condition since she was a teenager, although we didn't know that is what it was called at the time.  I can offer you hope, as my daughter is doing very well and has been for awhile.  I credit the tools and lessons on the right hand side of this site for much of that.  Can you tell us more about you and your daughter.  You will find many people who are riding the same roller coaster as you and can offer you help and support.  I look forward to hearing from you soon

[AVR1962]

My 34 year old daughter was dx with BPD when she was 18. It has been a roller coaster ride since she was 6 when her dad left. We have good spells and we have bad spells. During the bad spells I read and try to learn more. After all these years I have figured some things out, let go of others but I think more than anything I have learned I have to continue to live my life and stop blaming myself for what I did or did not do, and how I may have contributed. We want what is best for our children and it is not easy seeing them hurt especially when their hurt is aimed at us but we have to realize this is their journey. We may have to learn to react to them differently but we cannot take on the responsibility of their behavior. 

[Whodathunkit]

Thank you madmom and AVR1962,

I haven't been on here because we've been traveling, and I'm about to take off for another 3wk trip, so I don't have much time right now, but will come back and write a lot more later. There's so much I'd like to write about!

I have realized that my daughter's father, my ex, may also have BPD. I realized a long time ago that he is severely narcissistic, and in listening to the audio book "I Hate You Don't Leave Me", I recognized both my daughter and my ex. He used to joke that she had inherited his personality while my son (very sweet) took after me. But I'm certain he really had no concept of how mentally ill both of them were and are.

He arranged to take the kids on a trip to Europe this fall and that's where my daughter is now. It was very tricky with school, and I'm certain her arrangements for online studies will lead to her getting kicked out of her current school. I'll explain: after 8th grade she placed in an advanced academic early-college high school. She looked like a great student at the time. But in 9th grade she took a dive and failed almost all her classes. She could return to that school after this semester of travel and online studies, IF her grades are As and Bs. My husband (her stepfather) and I both know there is no way she can accomplish this. She and her father are both delusional at times. I am glad she's on the trip though, and has this opportunity to see foreign lands and learn about the world.

She has been abusive to me by text message! So I haven't been reaching out. At the beginning of the trip she was sick and became very angry with me for supposedly not caring. I wrote to her many times to say how concerned I was, how I love her and am thinking about her. When I would ask her how she is doing she wouldn't tell me but would lash out,accusing me of not caring. So I stopped writing. In my view, it was her father's responsibility to decide if she was well enough to travel and to take care of her. But I think she wanted me to rescue her somehow.

[madmom]

I hope you take some time while your daughter is gone to read the tools and lessons on the right side of this website.  I found the validation and SET and communicating boundaries very helpful.  Enjoy your trip!

[Whodathunkit]

Here's an update:

I'm in an ok place right now. Everyone in our family traveled a lot last fall, not all together, but in various combinations.

My kids went to Europe with their bio-dad for a month. In order to do this, my BPD daughter had to sign up for an independent study high-school program. She lives in our household 95% of the time so my husband and I were confused and scared about how to manage the rest of the semester (once she returned from traveling) while she is still on independent study and is home every day.

I'm happy to say that this seems to be working for her! She is doing a good job being diligent with her work and she is more relaxed and pleasant for longer stretches of time than I have ever experienced in my life with her. I leave her 100% in charge of handling her studies, to avoid power struggles around schoolwork. Clearly this lifestyle where she is able to sleep in and design her own schedule has relieved a huge stress from her life. Last year it was constant struggle to get her out of bed in the morning, and she was consistently unable to meet school deadlines. The independent program allows a flexible schedule and she's not marked down if work is late. My husband and I are going to tell her that we would support her staying with this independent program next semester instead of going back into a classroom setting.

I try to enjoy the improvements without making assumptions about what will happen in the future. I know BPD people can swing through phases. I'm just glad we are experiencing some peace right now.

I find myself weighing the question "how much am I going to try to train her for some future scenario (like having a job, moving out of our house) and how much do I just try to give her whatever happiness and peace I can provide in the moment." She has spent so much of her life in a state of stress, I feel it is healthy for her to be in a situation where her system can get a break from those anxiety feedback loops. She's only 15, after all. Her brain is still developing. Maybe some of that growth can happen without being flooded by stress hormones. And besides, I don't know what she might find for a career path. The independent study is probably preparing her for the kind of job that will suit her best. She wants to be a photographer. And there are many jobs that can be worked on a more independent basis, remotely etc, if a person has the self-discipline required to keep on task.

I myself have been working on catching up on stuff, since I also traveled and ignored email for a few weeks. So I still haven't really dived into this site... .but I will!

I hope you are all doing well. Thanks for listening.

[lbjnltx]

Our kids need a lot of leeway within the walls of boundaries.

Your daughter's success at freedom within the boundaries is similar to my daughter's story as well.  The social and strict structural aspects of the regular high school experience/setting is stressful for all kids, especially ours.

Kudos to you for allowing your daughter to choose, drive, and succeed at her plan.

I pray for much continued success for your d.

[BB_YogaGirl]

I wrote a brief introduction earlier today (and misspelled "introduction" so you can't miss it:/. I see many similarities between my 17 yo and your daughter. I work and travel a lot for work so taking the time to spell out everything I want to say feels daunting. I could write a book, probably like each of us could, about our child and circumstances. I haven't fought a support group for myself, but felt very desperate just this morning to find common ground with parents in my shoes. I feel like I'm on an island and no one, not my husband or mom or dearest friends know how to help me. It is very, very comforting to feel the support of strangers. I too will write more later, but thank you for sharing and in that moment, giving me solidarity and peace in my restless heart.