Just popping in

[PyneappleDays]

Hi it’s been quite a while since I posted.  My now DBPD (21 years old) has a 10 month old baby.  My new car was supposed to be a 2 door hatch back, but is now a 4 door sedan with 2 different age car seat (gd transition from one in one from another in a month).  DD is as you can guess on assistance (one form or another), but in her own apartment.  Mind you her apt is a third floor walk-up in a triplex.  I'm not happy about that.  I'm also concerned with the number of people in and out of my gd life.  They are supposedly closing the books on them in CAS by the end of this month.  She is on the 12 year plan to graduate grade 12.  Her plan is to stay on assistance, finish school, until gd is in school.  I'm pretty sure they'll graduate grade 12 together.

DD also planning to move to another area of the country to hit up her father.  His family owns a large business where she could possibly work. She's tried this before and it didn't work out she ran away and I had to fly her back here.  I told her I hope it works out but you should have money set aside in case because the you have daughter now.  Neither she nor her father has changed.

Things sound pretty good don't they.  They aren't

Because for any BPD family member you have there's always one family member who thinks they are faking it coning everyone and using it as a crutch.  They should snap out of and grow up.  Immediately.  This person and the BPD person don't get along and is the catalyst for the other.  Neither one of them is going to grow up any time soon and both will drive you crazy.  You feel hurt for and from your dd and the family member.  Neither one of them see the pain they cause.

The problem, my husband  dd's step father.  DD behaviour I understand the other I don't.  It's very much "you are standing in between me and my mother" and "you are standing in my way of controlling my wife".  DD hates husband.  Husband demonized daughter to virtually anyone who will listen.  I mean anyone.  At a dinner party,  friends,  family customer in his were he works.  He doesn't see the glazed over look in their eyes as he goes on about everything she does, doesn't do, wears, money, tattoos, piercings, parenting.  I try talking to him he completely stonewalls me. Completely shuts me out and goes into the spare room.

I'm trying to get dd to starting coming to family functions but can only bring her my family functions, only if she shows up he won't ride with us if I have to pick her up.  apparently I'm the problem not teaching her a lesson by standing me ground.

So, I'm asking are you sure the BPD child is the only problem or is it really sometimes how other people react to it?

I'm in counselling but it's always one or the other.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[solidstate]

I feel like you're onto something- it's not just the BPD, how people interact can affect how things go.

Like I used to tell my dd when another mental health diagnosis was her main identified problem: not all issues are owned by the person with the diagnosis. Sometimes it's meds, sometimes the illness, but you don't live in a vacuum, so of course other people can add to the problems in a relationship.

If you think about it, other people must be the cause of some of it. We are human, right? And the behaviors thrown by people with BPD are often challenging (or worse). The probability is high that others around the BPD will react poorly. And some people have more problem with it than others.

Another idea is splitting. When the BPD attempts to "divide and conquer" (setting up arguments between others) it will cause divisions, making it harder for others to get along with each other. I think one of the most important things might be for parents to create a united front. This is hard for me too as dd is from my first marriage. Current husband and she do not get along and never have.


PyneappleDays- welcome to my world! My husband is currently not as openly disparaging of my daughter, but I would say he often does not feel like part of the solution to me. I know people can not just tip toe around the BPD, but there are better and worse ways of dealing with it.

It has occurred to me that both of them have some vested interest in turning me against the other. In their view life would be simpler without the interference. I have made it clear to both that I have no intention of turning away from the other. My marriage is my primary relationship, but while I try to set limits I'm also not ditching my adult "kid".


Another aspect brought up by counselors I have seen is that my daughter might not be the only person with a personality disorder with whom I'm involved. Obviously they can't diagnose the other people in my life, but in my case it seems like there could be more going on than just my daughter's issues.


I think the challenges in relationships that borderline creates are hard for people in general to deal with. You are right though, not all problems in those relationships is necessarily caused by the BPD. We can all learn skills (DBT skills are great for anybody)- not everyone will choose to, but it can really help for those who do.

[PyneappleDays]

Thank you soo much solidstate for hitting the hammer on the nail! How you explained is exactly my world.   I love them both but there are days. 

My escape is one week in January/February where I take off for a week.  I tell them and people it's because I have more then 2 weeks holiday, but the truth is it's my one week away form the frustration and a change of scenery.

[tristesse]

hi pyneapledays, glad to hear from you again,  but sad it is for tis reason.

I agree that sometimes the problem isn't the person with BPD,  but the way somebody is reacting to that person. My own DH and DD just 2 days ago had a major blowup, after months of peaceful co-habitation. They were both to blame, and I found myself being pulled in different directions.  I refused to engage with either one of them, and let them work out.

I am really very sorry that you are experiencing the drama and the splitting. I understand your hurt and anger and know the stress it puts on you as a mother and a wife. I will pray for you and your family, and wish you all peace and   happiness.

Take care of yourself.