Help and suggestions with documentation

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi all,

Thank you for your posts.  I read often for tips.

I am helping my sister with documentation as she is overwhelmed and inundated by uBPD soon to be ex's behavior and daily chaos with the kid's schedules, not to mention being panicked about the alienation of her S16 (and sending him into the house like a loaded weapon every time he comes home)

Some background:

They have been operating on a temp agreement for a year, mediation is most likely in next 3 weeks.

There was an RO issues against him last June due to his erratic and threatening behavior when she said she wanted to leave.  The RO has expired... .he violated it multiple times last year at his D11 school events where my sister was volunteering.  She reported them to police but never arrested him (she did not want a scene in front of her daughter).  He stalked and harassed daily via text, his son spying in house, neighbors spying, etc.

He just moved in with a GF he's know for 3.5 months, and moved less than 5 minutes away. 

He introduced his/my sister's kids to the GF and her 2 kids 1.5 months ago and told his/my sister's kids to lie to my sister and keep it a secret.  Great thing to teach her D11 who is entering middle school (teen years) and never lies about anything to not tell her Mom when she meets strangers.  Also her S16 who is fairly well alienated at this point kept it from her as well and told the D11 to keep it from her.

They slept over a night at the GF's parents house (who has 2 kids by 2 different fathers, one being a drug addict or former drug addict) without my sister even knowing about it, having the last name of this woman, knowing nothing of their family or the physical address where the kids were at.

Now he's moved in with this woman and her kids, barely works 3 days a week, and my sister's spousal support is paying for this house.

It's all just a show to put this situation right in my sister's face, intimidating her, trying to make her feel crazy by alienating the kids and using this woman's kids to lure my sister's kids over what I'm sure will be their ":)isneyland" house (until it implodes). It's all to make her pay for separating from him and to "legitimize" him in the community.  He will put this new GF and her kids and my sister's kids at every event, every safe space my sister has in the community.  That's coming for sure.

The second my sister found out that her kids would have to spend 50% of their time in this messy new house - she ordered the custodial evaluation.  (She still has not been provided the last name of this woman by her soon to be ex-husband).

I am helping her prepare for the evaluation (please pray we get a good CE that recognizes alienation) and need advice on documentation.

Questions:

1)  Have any of you successfully documented alienation and proven it to a CE with positive results to increased parenting time in your favor or stipulations written into the court orders that the alienation must stop and the alienating parent must take classes, etc?)

2)  He is mentally unstable (unchecked borderline and bipolar) and his health records show it (suicide attempt last year, inpatient drug treatment last year, discontinued therapy in June when he started up with this GF)  - how much does that factor in if he's "putting on a show" as upright citizen right now?

3) His parenting time became extremely erratic in June / July when he took off with this woman on some trips (We know he was taking trips with her starting in June because of his health records - but didn't have them until a few weeks ago). 

Examples:

He dumped the D11 off at my sister's house 2 Sundays in a row due to illness or work with only 15 minutes notice.

Gave up a total of 3 weeks of his parenting time over the summer, returning from each trip to wreak havoc on the schedule she had set up with camps, nannies, 24/7 supervision of her S16.

His S16 entered a substance abuse program in June and undermined my sister's ability to get him into an outpatient treatment program, did not check in at all for the first 2 weeks of her S16's treatment - she took him 3 nights a week, 3 hours a night.

Of course, now he's showing up to the graduation of the program and he wasn't even there for most of it.  (BTW - his is supposedly sober and going to AA - yet he told the program they were wrong when his S16 had a high positive on a drug test and gave his S16 an excuse to even cover up the positive test (documented).

The question is - does the inability to keep a parenting schedule he asked for (50/50 blocked time) weigh in during the custodial evaluation?

Does his chaotic communication and last minute drop offs of kids bear any weight in giving my sister more parenting time with at least the D11?

The D16 is alienated and wants to spend 50% time over there anyway because his Dad has alienated him - so she's not going to fight that.

4)  Has anyone hired someone to help them put emails/texts/documentation together in a way that the CE or court likes to see it?

Any tips or suggestions here on the easiest way to do this?   I was thinking a paralegal or someone like that to help put it all together.

My sister did not journal and got very behind with the chaos and pressure of it all.  My family has been helping a lot with stabilizing her and the kids... .so documenting fell behind but we have all emails / texts, etc.

Our goal is to get the following across to the CE and court:

1)  His mental instability affects the children via the schedule and his ability to communicate with my sister.  Based on this she should have final decision-making (She has now in temp agreement) and reduce at least the D11's parenting time from 50/50 to 70/30 or 80/20.  Especially until the new house stabilizes.

2)  His current living situation is not stable, nor should the D11 be spending 50% parenting time at this place with 2 new kids and his GF after knowing them for 1.5 months and him lying about who they are, etc.

3)  Addressing the alienation and that it has to stop, the undermining of her ability to parent and disparaging her as a parent stops or is written in the evaluation that it stops and is put into court orders.

Is the above wishful thinking?

[Hard Rock]

Hi all,

Thank you for your posts.  I read often for tips.

I am helping my sister with documentation as she is overwhelmed and inundated by uBPD soon to be ex's behavior and daily chaos with the kid's schedules, not to mention being panicked about the alienation of her S16 (and sending him into the house like a loaded weapon every time he comes home)

Some background:

They have been operating on a temp agreement for a year, mediation is most likely in next 3 weeks.

There was an RO issues against him last June due to his erratic and threatening behavior when she said she wanted to leave.  The RO has expired... .he violated it multiple times last year at his D11 school events where my sister was volunteering.  She reported them to police but never arrested him (she did not want a scene in front of her daughter).  He stalked and harassed daily via text, his son spying in house, neighbors spying, etc.

He just moved in with a GF he's know for 3.5 months, and moved less than 5 minutes away. 

He introduced his/my sister's kids to the GF and her 2 kids 1.5 months ago and told his/my sister's kids to lie to my sister and keep it a secret.  Great thing to teach her D11 who is entering middle school (teen years) and never lies about anything to not tell her Mom when she meets strangers.  Also her S16 who is fairly well alienated at this point kept it from her as well and told the D11 to keep it from her.

They slept over a night at the GF's parents house (who has 2 kids by 2 different fathers, one being a drug addict or former drug addict) without my sister even knowing about it, having the last name of this woman, knowing nothing of their family or the physical address where the kids were at.

Now he's moved in with this woman and her kids, barely works 3 days a week, and my sister's spousal support is paying for this house.

It's all just a show to put this situation right in my sister's face, intimidating her, trying to make her feel crazy by alienating the kids and using this woman's kids to lure my sister's kids over what I'm sure will be their ":)isneyland" house (until it implodes). It's all to make her pay for separating from him and to "legitimize" him in the community.  He will put this new GF and her kids and my sister's kids at every event, every safe space my sister has in the community.  That's coming for sure.

The second my sister found out that her kids would have to spend 50% of their time in this messy new house - she ordered the custodial evaluation.  (She still has not been provided the last name of this woman by her soon to be ex-husband).

I am helping her prepare for the evaluation (please pray we get a good CE that recognizes alienation) and need advice on documentation.

Questions:

1)  Have any of you successfully documented alienation and proven it to a CE with positive results to increased parenting time in your favor or stipulations written into the court orders that the alienation must stop and the alienating parent must take classes, etc?)

2)  He is mentally unstable (unchecked borderline and bipolar) and his health records show it (suicide attempt last year, inpatient drug treatment last year, discontinued therapy in June when he started up with this GF)  - how much does that factor in if he's "putting on a show" as upright citizen right now?

3) His parenting time became extremely erratic in June / July when he took off with this woman on some trips (We know he was taking trips with her starting in June because of his health records - but didn't have them until a few weeks ago). 

Examples:

He dumped the D11 off at my sister's house 2 Sundays in a row due to illness or work with only 15 minutes notice.

Gave up a total of 3 weeks of his parenting time over the summer, returning from each trip to wreak havoc on the schedule she had set up with camps, nannies, 24/7 supervision of her S16.

His S16 entered a substance abuse program in June and undermined my sister's ability to get him into an outpatient treatment program, did not check in at all for the first 2 weeks of her S16's treatment - she took him 3 nights a week, 3 hours a night.

Of course, now he's showing up to the graduation of the program and he wasn't even there for most of it.  (BTW - his is supposedly sober and going to AA - yet he told the program they were wrong when his S16 had a high positive on a drug test and gave his S16 an excuse to even cover up the positive test (documented).

The question is - does the inability to keep a parenting schedule he asked for (50/50 blocked time) weigh in during the custodial evaluation?

Does his chaotic communication and last minute drop offs of kids bear any weight in giving my sister more parenting time with at least the D11?

The D16 is alienated and wants to spend 50% time over there anyway because his Dad has alienated him - so she's not going to fight that.

4)  Has anyone hired someone to help them put emails/texts/documentation together in a way that the CE or court likes to see it?

Any tips or suggestions here on the easiest way to do this?   I was thinking a paralegal or someone like that to help put it all together.

My sister did not journal and got very behind with the chaos and pressure of it all.  My family has been helping a lot with stabilizing her and the kids... .so documenting fell behind but we have all emails / texts, etc.

Our goal is to get the following across to the CE and court:

1)  His mental instability affects the children via the schedule and his ability to communicate with my sister.  Based on this she should have final decision-making (She has now in temp agreement) and reduce at least the D11's parenting time from 50/50 to 70/30 or 80/20.  Especially until the new house stabilizes.

2)  His current living situation is not stable, nor should the D11 be spending 50% parenting time at this place with 2 new kids and his GF after knowing them for 1.5 months and him lying about who they are, etc.

3)  Addressing the alienation and that it has to stop, the undermining of her ability to parent and disparaging her as a parent stops or is written in the evaluation that it stops and is put into court orders.

Is the above wishful thinking?

[ForeverDad]

This is what I would share with her:  A good custody evaluator will note... .

Lack of sharing.  I recall my CE wrote, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can... ."  For me it was her not sharing the child or information.  For you it may just be him not sharing information.  Alone it isn't huge but combined with other issues it can help the CE figure things out.  Some things he can claim are confidential and not your concern, but refusing to identify the GF and especially where he is living with the children are your concern.  (Remember, he can be confrontational, obstructive and sabotaging but as long as it's impacting only you and pushing only your buttons the CE may not care much.  But if the children are impacted more than a little then the CE ought to sit up and take notice.  So concentrate most on the parenting behaviors, put them before the adult behaviors.  List everything of course but focus on the children, put them and how they are affected first, ahead of you.)

Instability.  His moves as well as other behaviors would indicate his instability.  Again, not huge but combined with other issues it can help the CE figure things out.

History of suicidal behaviors.  This I feel is among the most powerful indicators/reasons that he should not have equal time.  Be sure to have as much written documentation as possible about the events.  The CE will probably require the parents to sign permission forms so records from the respective doctors, agencies and hospitals can be requested.  Good that you already make the major decisions, effectively you have Decision Making or Tie Breaker, so don't ever Gift it away.  While a court may take it away - court can decide whatever it wants - but don't wheel and deal it away, not ever, you may not be able to get it back!  Repeat, do not gloss over his medical or mental health history and or events that can be documented.

Also, beware of trying to be fair or nice.  Sadly, when facing an actively sabotaging, acting-out spouse, you can't afford to be nice or fair.  (And court is unlikely to notice... ."The one behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the one behaving well seldom gets credit."  Yes, our natural inclination is to be fair, nice and whatever but we can't risk sabotaging ourselves, our parenting or our children.  I don't know how it started out with him having equal parenting time but you can't let the CE or the court assume or conclude that equal time is working.  If they do, they'll be inclined to let "what seems to be working" become part of the final decree.  Court and the professionals involved seem to resist any changes to the status quo that aren't shown to be necessary.

The oldest child may not follow the order, being an older teen he may be allowed to vote with his feet or car, though of course try to avoid that.  It's different with younger children, they don't decide how they live their lives, the parents do, in this case, through the parenting order.  Courts would probably rule D11 is still too young to pick a parent or voice her preferences.

[whirlpoollife]

Regarding 4)... I would start off by printing out the emails and put them in order by date.

Fwd the texts to email seperatley  ... .to make it easier,   then print them out .

Go over them by date and mark a month to month calendar on which day the emails and texts came in. 

With that try to remember where the kids were at the time those emails and texts came in.

Print out phone records for times and lengths of phone calls from x2b to children.

Classify each in folders clearly marked. 

It's very time consuming!      Much else in daily living needs to be put aside to get this done .

From my experience , the paralegal puts documenation together for the L for the court hearing but we have to provide that documentation.

Then start with a calendar notebook that has month to month pages and daily pages .

You can star the dates with cliff notes on the month page to full notes on the daily pages.

[ambivalentmom]

It sounds like an exhausting battle, we'll be here for you as much as we can.  

I haven't had to deal with proof of parental alienation yet, but (if nothing else) I use google calendar to log events and it works well for me.  I color code events for emails/child support/actual visitation taken/visitation cancelled (especially short notice)/issues or concerns.  You can print these calendars at the end of each month with emails to keep track of the order of events and what you observed.  I also log events when my daughter shows strange behavior/remarks (ex. strong opinions about people who report child abuse/asked about text Dad sent me accusing me of harrassment).  Having the notes section will make it easier to recall events if you need to (trying to remember how and why everything happened the way it did).  Ask L about how and what you can record too. Name the files by the date and a brief description of the event.  Backup everything and keep multiple copies if you can.  

Let us know how it goes.

[Hard Rock]

Hi guys,

Thanks for all the great responses.

Documentation organization has started and it is a massive task (there is a LOT to organize) not to mention helping my sister with the day to day bombs.

Her attorney is in the process of crafting a strong letter / mandate clarifying the temp agreement they are in (which he is using to create chaos and conflict, shocker).

Also to say, the temp agreement will be enforced (in her favor, only optional overnights) and she will only grant optional overnights with these X, Y, Z points are agreed to.  It's kind of like, "You behave, and we'll give you some optional overnights with S16 and possibly D11 in future at Mom's discretion".

She has been granting 2 optional overnights a week for the S16, traditionally, but now he is pushing for the D11.  The lawyer will state the agreement does not include overnights, but she has been "giving" them for the S16.  (i.e. you've been getting MORE than the agreement in place but that will go away if you don't adhere to schedule and clean communication, etc.)

We are adding some elements form parenting plans that we are asking UBPDx to agree to if he wants optional overnights approved for S16 in the  temp agreement they are now under.  He is pressing for both S16 and D11 to have optional overnights, she is saying no for now on the D11 until psych exam and custody eval are finished and stability is show for a good period of time by him in regards to schedule / other living situation with GF.

We are pulling stipulations / rules from other boilerplate parenting plans to get them to sign off on as many things as possible.

Question:  Do any of you have parenting plan elements - specific language - you can share with me or PM me with to minimize conflict, alienation, button up exchanges so there is minimal contact (he uses every opportunity to harass / stalk - even with the new GF).

I am looking for specific language.

Thanks all...

[ForeverDad]

Most templates include vague language here and there, the court expects the parents to, if not cooperate, at least co-exist.  With our ex-spouses, especially if acting-out, possessive or entitled, that doesn't happen and those vague clauses are ripe for being twisted and used against us.

Prime examples are clauses for "mutually agreeable" exchange locations and "reasonable" telephone contact.  Ex will want exchanges on their terms with purposely sabotaging times and locations.  Ex will demand excessive telephone contact and at any time, even if the child ought to be eating or in bed.  All while sabotaging your telephone contact.  Best to review any terms and be sure they don't leave solutions up to the ex's whims, demands, ultimatums, guilting and reinterpretations.  What is clear and simple to resolve is easily interpreted/twisted by an entitled person to his/her own benefit.

[livednlearned]

It's good that you are organizing your documents. I approached it like a full-time job and it paid off.

I'm not sure if this is helpful, but here are a list of items in a parenting plan template that parenting coordinators use with high conflict spouses:

Communication

Times when we can communicate directly:

• Significant medical or dental issues, medications or referrals to specialists.

• Significant issues with the child’s behaviour or discipline, such as police involvement with the child or the disappearance of the child.

• New and significant school issues, such as referral to special programming, truancy or suspensions.

• Minor adjustments in plans, excepting when the adjustment becomes a point of contention between parents.

Frequency of communication:

Does the parenting plan need to specify that parents are to communicate directly only in emergency situations?

• Are parents able to communicate directly about more than the critical information outlined above without the involvement of a third party?   

• Can parents work towards scheduling a regular time for communication, such as once a month or once weekly?

• How should a parent respond if the other parent is communicating too often, such as daily or many times during a single day?

Communication methods

• How do parents plan to exchange information? In person? By phone, letter or e-mail? 

• Is e-mail the preferred method of communication, given that it allows for a written record that shows the time of the message and the identity of the sender?

• Is voice mail, text messaging, and caller ID  acceptable if agreed to by both parents?

• Do parents need to consider having communications copied to neutral parties on each side to reduce the negativity in them?

• If the use of e-mail is the established mode of preferred communication, when will a telephone call be acceptable?

• Is face-to-face discussion between parents acceptable, or can parents eliminate this possibility if they establish transfer protocols that do not permit any physical proximity between them, except perhaps in situations that involve very young children? 

• If face-to-face communication is planned, what steps can parents take to ensure the child witnesses only civil and matter-of-fact communication between parents, rather that spiteful and negative exchanges that impact the child negatively?

Time frames for responding: 24 hours? 48 hours?

Education:

• Who consents for assessment procedures? e.g. psychology, occupational therapy, physical therapy, speech therapy.

• Who contributes to developing the Individual Program Plan (IPP) and who has the authority to sign it?

• Who consents to placement in a special class, program, or school and does the short or longterm nature of the placement alter this?

• What mechanism will be used if parents disagree about the assessments and/or interventions?

• Who pays for the fees and extra transportation costs of such programming?

• Who decides if the child needs extra services such as tutoring, and who takes the child to these sessions and pays for them?

Changeovers in parenting times

• What is the exact time of day that the transfer of parenting responsibility occurs? 

• Which parent is responsible during the child’s school day on a transfer day?

• Who is to be called if the child is ill, hurt, or otherwise must leave school on a transfer day?

• Who is responsible for providing care on a professional day, early dismissal day, or day during which school is cancelled?

• Can the parent who is not the designated parent on a particular school day take the child out of school to attend appointments and who books such appointments?

• Can the parent who is not the designated parent on a particular school day take the child out for lunch or come to the school to eat lunch with the child on school property?

• Can either parent take the children out of school early or return them late from weekends or holiday periods?

• Is there a designated maximum amount of time that children can miss school for such optional activities as holiday travel?

Transfers of materials

• How are transfers of clothing and materials to be handled between homes during changeovers from one parent to the other? 

• Should the child take only school materials along if the transfer is to occur at school, and how should other belongings be transferred?

• What happens if needed possessions are forgotten in one home and must be retrieved after the child has transferred to other parent’s care?

Children with organizational difficulties 

• What special considerations may be needed to manage issues such as homework, assignments and projects, notices and materials?

• Do arrangements need to be made to allow the child to e-mail work projects to a home account to permit continued work on them and to make sure they don’t get lost or misplaced between school and either of their homes?

Communication between home and school

• Who receives and signs the report card, school newsletter and other notices?   

• Are duplicate copies of notices and newsletters available for both parents?

• Does each parent assume responsibility for making arrangements with the school to receive copies of such information or is one parent responsible for making copies of all of this information for the other? Note: the first alternative may be the better option in high-conflict

situations.

• How will school picture or book orders be managed?

• What happens when information is sent to one parent that must be followed up by the other

during their parenting time, such as snack day or pyjama day? Can these matters be solved

in early school years if each parent obtains a copy of the monthly activity calendar?

Parent-teacher interviews

• Will parents attend parent-interviews together or can they book two separate interviews, or alternate in attending parent-teacher interviews?

• Can a parent bring a new partner, neighbour, relative, or friend to the parent-teacher interviews?

When both parents are attending an activity, such as a school concert, do they need to agree ahead of time about where each will sit, who will bring and take the child home, and the nature of contact between all parties so that the child does not have to choose one parent over the other?

Provision of the court order to the school   

• What procedures will be put in place to ensure the school setting has the most recent court order? Will one parent be responsible for this task?

• Should the school be provided only with the portion of the court order that pertains to that setting rather than the whole order, given the personal and private nature of some of the information it contains?  If so, how will this be achieved?

Parental behavior and communication during exchanges

During transfers in high-conflict situations, parents should not discuss any “business” over the child’s head. Such discussion should be structured as outlined in the portion of the parenting plan that specifies how issues are to be discussed and resolved.

• Can the parents communicate at all? 

• Should comments be limited to notifying the receiving parent of issues such as illness, special school days and other activities?

• What words should be used to say good-bye and greet the child so that the child does not feel pressured or constrained? For example, if a child is so attuned to the animosity and conflict between the parents that he or she will not hug or kiss a parent in the presence of the other, a different greeting may be necessary.

• Are parents able to tell the child to have a good time when they are leaving, so that the child has permission to enjoy time with the other parent?

• Do both parents need to institute rituals that ease the child’s transition between homes, such as having a snack, reading a special story, packing a special stuffed animal, or exchanging a hug prior to saying goodbye?

• Can parents say good-bye to the child and leave promptly so that the child is less likely to become agitated?

• Can parents be courteous, cordial, and polite during the exchange to limit the child’s anxiety?

Delayed returns

• What is the scheduled return time?

• What is an acceptable reason for the delay?

• What procedures are to be used if a parent is delayed in taking the child to an exchange or picking a child up? What number should be called?

• What are the procedures if a parent arrives to pick up a child and the child is not ready or not at home?

Notification regarding medical emergencies during extracurricular activities

• What degree of injury necessitates immediate notification of the other parent? Is it a broken bone, stitches, or an ambulance trip to the hospital?

• Which contact number should be used to notify the other parent?

• If the other parent is busy or unavailable, should someone else be notified who will then attempt to contact the parent about the child’s injury? This allows the immediate parent to direct attention to obtaining appropriate medical services for the child, instead of trying to track the other parent down.

Changes to the parenting schedule

• Are parents agreeable to adjusting the regular parenting scheudle to accommodate holiday periods? 

• Have parents established a regular transfer day, such as Thursday, that already allows for easier accommodations for long weekends throughout the year and may ease the transitions into longer holiday periods?

• If parents plan to change the regular parenting schedule during these holiday blocks of time, will parameters be set that are applied on a yearly basis? Given that parents’ work and holiday schedules often differ from the child’s scheduled school holidays, it is often wise to

plan holiday schedules on a yearly basis rather than on a holiday-by-holiday basis. The latter may result in confusion and conflict.

• How do parents plan to adjust the regular parenting schedule, perhaps alternating summer holiday periods on a four-week, two-week, or one-week schedule? Some establish the holiday parenting schedules depending upon whether the year is even or odd. For example, a

child spends the winter break with the father on all evenly numbered years and with the mother on all odd years. 

• Are parents sensitive to the child’s age and needs in determining the length of holiday blocks, given that a young child may have difficulty tolerating long separations from a parent on whom he or she is highly dependent. A longer-term plan that gradually increases

holiday length can be a prudent accommodation. It is vital to consider the child’s needs, not just the parents’.

[livednlearned]

Short-notice changes and accommodations 

• Many parents have little control over their own employment schedules and cannot make plans far in advance. What happens when a parent is not informed about his or her allotted holiday periods with the child until shortly before the actual holiday period? 

• What is the minimal notice required for changing schedules to accommodate a parent’s planned vacation periods? 

• If a parent cannot take the child during their designated holiday period, is the other parent expected to change their own plans to accommodate caring for the child? 

• How will the child be informed of the cancelled holiday and the alternate arrangements?

• If a parent cannot take time off work to accommodate all of the child’s holiday periods, what happens in regards to care of the child?   

• Can the child go to day-care, a baby sitter, a new spouse, or a member of the extended family during holiday periods? 

• Can the child attend day or over night camps or must the parent be personally parenting for the entire holiday? 

International travel

Who will be responsible for preparing the documentation necessary for international travel? For example:

• Passport

• Non-traveling parent’s permission letter – federal requirement. The non-traveling parent must have this notarized. Who pays the notary fee?

• Flight and accommodation itinerary – including specific dates and flights.

• Phone numbers at accommodations.

• Non-traveling parent’s contact information .

• Specific written permission to seek emergency medical care.

• Vaccination records or other necessary medical records.

• Travel insurance.

Also consider:

• Will a passport be necessary for travel? 

• Who will apply for the passport? 

• Who will sign as the guarantor for the child’s passport? 

• Who will pay for the passport? 

• Who will hold the passport?

• Who will arrange for necessary travel vaccinations? 

• Who will pay for vaccinations?

• Who will take the child to the travel clinic?

• Who will hold the documentation pertaining to the vaccinations?

• Under what exceptional circumstances would a parent not be listed as the emergency contact?

• Although in most families parents pay for the child’s holiday expenses, such as plane tickets, are there any exceptional circumstances in which this general rule would not apply?

Communication with the non-traveling parent

• Will the children be expected to call or contact the non-traveling parent? 

• Who pays for the telephone calls? 

• Will phone cards be provided? 

• Which way does the call go, child-to-parent or parent-to-child? 

• What time are the calls to be made, given that different time zones may result in calls at odd hours? 

• Do adolescents need to call the non-traveling parent?

Travel insurance

• Who will ensure that travel insurance is obtained for the child for the holiday? 

• Should extra medical costs be incurred, how will they be paid?

Health care

Under what circumstances would the children not retain the same health care providers they saw prior to the family break-up? 

• If a child requires a new care provider, who selects the provider?

• Under what name will the child be registered with the provider?

• How will a decision about a consultation be made if parents do not agree on the need for the consult or treatment itself?

• How will a decision about a consultation be made if parents do not agree on the choice of practitioner? 

• When is a second opinion needed and who would pay for this?

Appointments and routine care

• Will one parent be responsible for setting appointments and taking the child to the appointment, or will parents divide these responsibilities by type of practitioner, parenting time block, employment schedules, the insurance plan subscriber, etc.? 

• Will the parents alternate taking the child to appointments, recognizing that this will require more communication between them?

• Will both parents have direct access to the child’s records?

• Who will retain written documentation, such as the child’s immunization record?

• How will information about the findings of the consultations or the treatment progress be shared? 

• If a medical practitioner recommends a medication regime for a child, are there any

exceptional circumstances where parents do not need to follow the treatment plan? 

Emergency care

• If emergency care is required, can the parent responsible for the child provide the other parent’s contact information to the hospital or health care provider?

• Should the parent request that the emergency setting immediately contact the other parent or is that parent willing to make this contact?

• Once notified, should the other parent attend the emergency setting or do circumstances exist that would preclude their attendance, such as a restraining order? 

• Will parents be able to be civil to ensure the child is not further traumatized by the experience? 

• If one parent does not attend, how will he or she be updated about the child’s status?

Costs for care

• Who pays the basic medical fees?

• Who pays extra costs? For example:

• extended benefit plans;

• uncovered portions of costs;

• medication, supplements, medical appliances, orthotics, special diet, corrective lenses; or

• lost orthodontic appliances and corrective lenses.

• When one parent wishes the child to undergo a specific treatment that is not covered under standard health care, will this be a legitimate extraordinary expense. In other words, will both parents be contributing to cost?

• Who bears the cost of any non-essential medical interventions and materials, such as cosmetic orthodontics or contact lenses?

General issues regarding mental health

Given that many people are sensitive and cautious about seeking input for mental health concerns, and that some people see the need for mental health input for their children as negative reflection on their parenting, specific considerations arise in regards to this type of intervention.

Parents need to be very clear about the parameters of confidentiality in relation to a child’s mental

health:

• Can information be shared with both parents and can this include information about the other parent?

• Who else might access the information and who would give consent for that access? Additionally, the role of the professional must be clearly specified. For example, a counselor cannot assume an assessment role and cannot make recommendations about custody/access. Similarly, an assessor cannot also undertake simultaneous counselling with family members. Parents must clarify such distinctions (therapist v. assessor) from the very beginning of their contact with a mental health professional.

Should the other parent be given first right of care when a parent cannot provide care personally? For example, this might include before and after school care, overnights to accommodate business or out-of-town travel? Is there a minimum time frame that should apply?

[livednlearned]

You might not need all of this, but it will help you think ahead about potential conflicts. Nail as much down as possible.

I found the most important lessons learned from my time in court was to

1) focus all behaviors in terms of how it impacts the kids

2) where possible, include consequences -- this could be "failure to comply = other party pays legal fees"

3) offer reasonable solutions to the judge -- this could be asking the court to order therapy for the child

Courts don't really care if a parent gets a new GF or BF, that's my experience anyway. It's just one data point -- focus instead on the pattern of behavior. Add it up, all of it, and impress upon the judge the sheer volume of bad decisions and behaviors.

It's a very hard distinction to express by text, but you have to look at every single behavior in terms of how it impacts the kids. It's them that you are worried about, even though you are mad at the BPD father. If your sister can do that, she will leap frog ahead. Courts are so used to seeing two pissed off parents squabbling like a couple of little kids, so when someone comes in and acts like a grown up, it's a breath of fresh air and the judge takes note.

So instead of: "Your honor, BPDx has a new girlfriend and told the kids to lie to me about her."

You say, "Your honor, psychologists recommend waiting before introducing kids to new partners. While my client understands that this happens, we have concerns about the impact on the kids. We ask that there are no overnights, at either parents home, when a new partner is also spending the night. This will give the children a chance to bond with the parent in their new living situation, and to have time to adapt."

EDITED TO ADD: parental alienation is hard to prove, and courts have different ideas about whether it's a thing. Can you find out how your judge has ruled, if she/he has had any cases? You can search case law with Google Scholar (click case law) and look for precedents. Or ask your lawyer.

[Panda39]

When my SO was putting together his evidence he arranged it in terms of how things affected his children. His uBPDxw had primary custody at the time and she was what I would describe as neglectful and alienating.

So he put things together like... .

A summary of the issue

(for example not getting daughter to the dentist for a toothache)

Behind that summary page he put all of his documentation

(Email correspondence with stbxw... .about daughters pain, appointments, uBPDxw's failure to get daughter to dentist,  SO's offer to take her to the dentist,  daughter's pain, changed appointments, uBPDxw's failure to get daughter to the dentist, SO's offer to take her to the dentist, daughter's pain, rescheduled appointments, uBPDxw's failure to get daughter to the dentist, SO's offer to take her to the dentist, daughter's pain, changed dentist, uBPDxw's failure to get daughter to the dentist, daughter's tooth pain, lack of transportation, uBPDxw's failure to get daughter to the dentist, daughters pain, daughter's tooth extraction due to lack of treatment, and bounced check to the dentist written on joint account of uBBDxw and other daughter  ... .)

Guess who was awarded Dental Care decision making? (and Education decision making and medical decision making?) My SO!   

It did take time to get the book (he called it the book of doom  ) together (full 3" binder) and get it copied for all the parties so the earlier you start on this the better.

Parental Alienation is a tricky one to document.  My SO was able to get one piece of evidence (that was not actually used - may not have been admissible) a video older daughter made of herself and her friend talking to uBPDmom on speaker phone about younger daughter doing a search of her father's closet for evidence (of what I don't know).  He already knew this snooping was going on because uBPDxw would know things that she would only know if she had been in my SO's apartment and the ex had never been there.

Hope that helps a little bit.  Nice job being there for your sister Tangoburger!

Panda39

PS. lnl awesome list of things to consider and be aware of.  Hope you save that one somewhere here good advice for all on this board 

[Hard Rock]

Thank you, everyone - those are very helpful.

LNL - that is a really detailed list and thank you for taking the time to put it together and send it and for all the advice.

I'll be back... .

The latest - he canceled by email on his D11's parenting time 10 minutes before he was supposed to pick her up because of some issue.  Then showed up in front with his car to pick her up 10 minutes later after my sister already told D11 she could sleep in.  He repeatedly called the house and texted until my sister answered.  D11 ended up having to go with him