Internal Split messages

[joeramabeme]

I am just starting to come to an understanding of how my 2bxpw-BPD traits really sent mixed messages and how confused I have been. 

Before she left the house 4 weeks ago, I was so focused on everything that I was unhappy about and that I wanted her to change.  Now that she is gone I am so focused on all the things that I loved about her and how much she helped me out. 

As I ponder my own thinking I am astounded by how split it is.  So I started to trace my thoughts backwards and ask how I could feel so crappy now and then about a set of behaviors that were so opposite another.

I have had to clean up stuff left behind.  There are so many fond memories. It started to dawn on me; what a minute, she did so many wonderful things and so many mean things.

It brought me back to some moments when I received a beautiful card or gift and felt bewildered because the expression of the gift or card seem so opposed to how she was treating me. 

I found a letter from a year ago that she wrote in response to me telling her that I did not want to be belittled anymore.  Her response what that she loved me and trusted and we were partners, she was very authentic.  At the time her response did not sink in at all.  But when I read it the other day I could see how much she really meant it.  I was so confused.  I still am.  I still love her but she has split black.  Reflecting on all this makes me realize that she put in everything she could and that i really was spinning to keep it all straight.

Anyway, I am such a slow learner about all of this.  I still keep uncovering significant history that I was part of.

All of this stuff makes me feel real empty on the inside.  I didnt see it then.  I am alone now.

[LimboFL]

Joe, I am 8 months out of a 4 year live in relationship with my exBPDgf. What you are going through is completely normal. We have all done it and to a degree still do it. What I read in your message has a great deal to do with the empathy you feel for her and her travails with this horrible disorder. I forgave my ex for so much because I watched her grapple with it every single day.

I will repeat a little story I have told several times here, to give you some idea of why I felt so much empathy. My ex, one night came up to me, while I was outside having a drink and a smoke. My son had just arrived for his week stay. She whispered in my ear "Babe, I need you to know that a part of my brain is telling me that I don't like ":)erik", it's not right, it's wrong but I don't know what to do about it" As I processed this confession, my heart sank for her. To be burdened with this kind of guilt and torment.

It's is crushing, as a lover and partner. Our caring and love is what allowed us to excuse a lot of hurtful behavior that most of us didn't deserve either. When she went to far with me and hurt me, all I got was "Be a man, you are such a wuss, sometimes I think you are the woman in this relationship!" Mind you, I was angry not weeping.

She would say some truly horendous things to me, stuff that stuck a knife right into my core. I learned, but only towards the end to simply not react and it worked! Being silent but steaming didn't work, but simply not allowing her words to penetrate did. Towards the end, after a tirade of insults, she would apologize, again saying that it was her brain.

Here is what I do whenever those overwhelming and loving thoughts creep into my head, I counter them with reminders of the way she made me feel, the things she did that weren't acceptable. The things that none of us deserve to have to endure for love, no matter how deep that love is.

I don't have the benefit of an expanded view on your relationship but clearly she hurt you plenty. You are in the empathy/guilt phase, where the genuinely wonderful things that they did for us take center stage. This is part of the process and it stinks. I cried buckets and buckets but slowly got through it. I still miss her (the partner that was sweet and kind, the one that I knew made efforts to try and control her behavior but couldn't hold back the tide). I still have a little dark cloud that shows up and my heart squeezes. Not anywhere near as tightly as it did during month 3 and 4, but it is still there. All of this while knowing that I would never ever want to go back there, ever! Not only because of the pain I know would result but because you need only read all of the recycle stories here to know that it NEVER EVER works out. It ALWAYS ends in quadruple the pain for the non.

I feel for you. I know where you are. I am not going to tell you that it will get better with time, because you are just not there yet. Ride the storm, get up every day and do what you have to do. Don't count on being split black for too long, but prepare yourself for the day that she will split you white again. Think hard about what you are going to do that day, VERY HARD! I am a staunch advocate of couples fighting through the mess and coming our stronger on the other end. With two people without disorders, a positive outcome is possible. I don't have statistics on every relationship where someone has a PD, but I have been on and off this board for 4 years and have yet to read a single long terms success story. It stinks, because most of us believe that if our partners could switch it off, that we could be those partners and that we are ready and willing to continue to fight for a win. But in the end, as is, it would result in our own demise. We were and would be lost in a tempest that would frayed our minds. So much of the abuse was almost subliminal, so much of it was the kind of abuse that only we would would recognize out and about because we knew our partners, their facial expression, their tone of voice. I could meet her out somewhere and just know within a split second if she hated me that moment, that she was fighting with every fiber of her being not to rip my head off, when I had done nothing at all to deserve it. If we were with a group, no one else understood that tension. So it wasn't all violent rages or blatant put downs.

You are in a very delicate place. Try the exercise of replacing the good with moments that were very hard for you. Some suggest writing down all of the bad, so that you have it down on paper. I didn't do it but it could help you.

The most important thing is for you to understand that what you are going through is normal. It's the FOG! You love her, I still love my ex deeply. I miss her and you miss yours. In the end though, how much must we sacrifice for that love? You have a long road ahead. Post and read voraciously, everything you can on this site. Go to the staying board.

I wish you strength!

[gameover]

Hey joeambereme,

Don't be too hard on yourself.  These relationships wear you down mentally, physically, and emotionally--toward the end I think most of us check out.  Like you, as soon as it was clear I was losing her all I could think of were all the good things (and there were a lot of wonderful times).

But you can only take so much.  You did the best with what you knew at the time.  And even if you knew more, chances are it still ends the same way.

[joeramabeme]

It's is crushing, as a lover and partner. Our caring and love is what allowed us to excuse a lot of hurtful behavior that most of us didn't deserve either. When she went to far with me and hurt me, all I got was "Be a man, you are such a wuss, sometimes I think you are the woman in this relationship!" Mind you, I was angry not weeping.

I heard similar emasculating comments.  This too was split.  OOH, there was this constant berating that I was supposed to stand up to and affirm my manliness.  And OTOH, there was such anger and push back when I did stand up to her.  I always perceived this as some sort of parental need she had.  Like she set me up to play the role of Father and then wanted to see how far she could push me.  Like a reenactment of sorts.  Very strange.  This created a sense of confusion and I always had the ability to supersede her gamesmanship but was unwilling to because I did not want to hurt her.

She would say some truly horendous things to me, stuff that stuck a knife right into my core. I learned, but only towards the end to simply not react and it worked! Being silent but steaming didn't work, but simply not allowing her words to penetrate did. Towards the end, after a tirade of insults, she would apologize, again saying that it was her brain.

Hmm, my spouse would not apologize.  She outwardly fought and resisted my attempts to tell her that this wasn't ok for me but under that she would make adjustments.  Every so often, I would have to remind myself that she was really working on it, was really listening to me and was really trying.  The berating got "gentler" towards the end, but did not cease.  Even as I too tried silence, she would notice that I was holding it in and then start telling me how she knew I was not being "honest" with her.  She won again!  LOL!

Here is what I do whenever those overwhelming and loving thoughts creep into my head, I counter them with reminders of the way she made me feel, the things she did that weren't acceptable. The things that none of us deserve to have to endure for love, no matter how deep that love is.

I have started practicing reminding myself that this r/s was not working and that I tried all I could.

I don't have the benefit of an expanded view on your relationship but clearly she hurt you plenty. You are in the empathy/guilt phase, where the genuinely wonderful things that they did for us take center stage. This is part of the process and it stinks. I cried buckets and buckets but slowly got through it. I still miss her (the partner that was sweet and kind, the one that I knew made efforts to try and control her behavior but couldn't hold back the tide). I still have a little dark cloud that shows up and my heart squeezes. Not anywhere near as tightly as it did during month 3 and 4, but it is still there. All of this while knowing that I would never ever want to go back there, ever! Not only because of the pain I know would result but because you need only read all of the recycle stories here to know that it NEVER EVER works out. It ALWAYS ends in quadruple the pain for the non.

From reading on the boards, I know this thought isn't healthy, but I am jealous of others that recycled.  Would feel like an affirmation that she misses me.

I feel for you. I know where you are. I am not going to tell you that it will get better with time, because you are just not there yet. Ride the storm, get up every day and do what you have to do. Don't count on being split black for too long, but prepare yourself for the day that she will split you white again. Think hard about what you are going to do that day, VERY HARD! I am a staunch advocate of couples fighting through the mess and coming our stronger on the other end. With two people without disorders, a positive outcome is possible. I don't have statistics on every relationship where someone has a PD, but I have been on and off this board for 4 years and have yet to read a single long terms success story. It stinks, because most of us believe that if our partners could switch it off, that we could be those partners and that we are ready and willing to continue to fight for a win. YES


But in the end, as is, it would result in our own demise. We were and would be lost in a tempest that would frayed our minds. So much of the abuse was almost subliminal, so much of it was the kind of abuse that only we would would recognize out and about because we knew our partners, their facial expression, their tone of voice. I could meet her out somewhere and just know within a split second if she hated me that moment, that she was fighting with every fiber of her being not to rip my head off, when I had done nothing at all to deserve it. If we were with a group, no one else understood that tension. So it wasn't all violent rages or blatant put downs.

You are in a very delicate place. Try the exercise of replacing the good with moments that were very hard for you. Some suggest writing down all of the bad, so that you have it down on paper. I didn't do it but it could help you.

Will make a list.  Mentally meditating on this very thought

The most important thing is for you to understand that what you are going through is normal. It's the FOG! You love her, I still love my ex deeply. I miss her and you miss yours. In the end though, how much must we sacrifice for that love? You have a long road ahead. Post and read voraciously, everything you can on this site. Go to the staying board.

I wish you strength!

Thanks Limbo, well written and thoughtful reply.  I am at a phase of oscillating between the 2 worlds of thought.  As you said earlier, if I could just separate out one piece of the dynamic it would be an awesome experience.  But as was pointed out to me awhile back, of all the times that I tried to change my spouses behaviors, how many times was I successful?  As soon as the question was asked, I knew the answer, none.

I think a part of all these feelings go beyond disorder and into the realm of "simple divorce matters".  I came home from work tonight and thought to myself, why am I coming home?  What am I going to do?  I am stuck on the weekends too.  It is a brand new life and will take time to make something more of it. 

[joeramabeme]

Hey joeambereme,

Don't be too hard on yourself.  These relationships wear you down mentally, physically, and emotionally--toward the end I think most of us check out.  Like you, as soon as it was clear I was losing her all I could think of were all the good things (and there were a lot of wonderful times).

No doubt I was worn down in the end.  I can still remember the day that we looked at a really nice house and after having shopped for homes for most of the marriage, her being unable to move forward with the offer.  Since she had been leading the housing drive, her saying no made me feel like I was living in a surreal world where the goal was to chase something but not attain it.  

In some ways I now feel like that was a model of our r/s, we constantly worked on improving the r/s but at some level I am not sure that she felt comfortable or worthy of having a satisfied situation.  For me, that is where the disconnect is deepest.  

From today's POV, I suppose that there were some inherent fears on both of our parts to be comfortably joined but I do believe I was willing and able to take all the steps needed and not so sure that she was.

But you can only take so much.  You did the best with what you knew at the time.  And even if you knew more, chances are it still ends the same way.

I think this comment is all about self love and self forgiveness.  I did do the best I could and would still do more but not in the same context.  I now believe that if she was not willing to look at herself, that it would have ended the same way and that I could not change her.  

I read an article about how narcissists get together with borderlines and the N's think they can overcome the issues b/c they have done it in the past.  The article went on to say it will never happen and that this is part of the core injury that needs to be healed.  I don't consider myself to have strong N tendencies but I think when it comes to believing that I can heal other people, the label fits.

[gameover]

I read an article about how narcissists get together with borderlines and the N's think they can overcome the issues b/c they have done it in the past.  The article went on to say it will never happen and that this is part of the core injury that needs to be healed.  I don't consider myself to have strong N tendencies but I think when it comes to believing that I can heal other people, the label fits.

I think most of us would fit this pattern.  Codependency is a sort of inverted narcissism--meaning we base our ego on what we can do for other people.  Helping others/making other people happy is our supply.  Of course while we try to convince ourselves that we were acting from pure motives and the goodness of our hearts, all of us expected love, admiration or appreciation in return.  Which calls into question the genuineness of our motives (of course, those motives feel genuine to us the same way the motives of a pwBPD feel genuine to them--because it's what we've always done).

Now by no means am I saying that Codependency is as hurtful to other people as BPD or NPD; but all 3 conditions are individual adaptations to the same core wounds.  You could argue that Codependency is the healthiest adaptation of the 3 (or at least the least exploitative); but it's a part of ourselves that all of us really need to examine.