My argument with my BPDw

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Here's an update for you. My BPDw and I are very proud of her D18 who's doing very well in college. My BPDw told me about her recent talk with her D18. Then, my BPDw said that her D18 would not be the same, if my son-in-law might have abused her sexually, that her life would be completely different. My BPDw then told me that I can have my side of the family, saying basically good riddance to him and my D41. Nothing ever happened, but her accusations caused fear, panic, and division tremendously so with all of us.

After she said all of the above, I became unraveled. I told her that they were just accusations and that everything is fine. I understand her need to protect her D18 who was 4 at the time, but to hang on to accusations for so long is a bit too much. She became very defensive. I retorted by saying that she has been verbally abusive. I gave her specific examples. I told her I am seeing a counselor to deal with her verbal abuse. Of course, she has conveniently forgotten about her verbal abuse of me. Then, she retorted with her poor me story about losing her older D 7 1/2 over 16 years ago. I emphasize with her about her loss, but as I told her, that is no reason whatsoever to take her frustration on me or anyone else.

One thing you need to know about me is that I am a very patient person who listens and helps. The last time I had an argument with anyone was with her, and that was 8 years ago. Also, due to my parents arguing so much when I was younger, I realized that arguing doesn't really help. It might clear the air somewhat, but the bad feelings can persist. So, I decided way back when not to purposefully create arguments and to relent in case someone wanted to argue with me. My BPDw was almost shocked that I started an argument with me, but she heard me somewhat.

This morning, just before leaving for her classes, she brought up on her own, if I were okay with the fact that she has been verbally abusive, because she has suffered so much over the years, that she is basically justified to be verbally abusive. I didn't create another argument, but I just said that she clarified her point of view. Sure, I was being tactful, but I get exhausted dealing with her toxicity. I even shared with her that if I had done something verbally abusive like she did, if she were to feel upset. She then said yes, but it's easy for her to say yes rather than to take responsibility and to make a change for the better.

It is rather evident she wants to take out her frustration onto me, even though this is exactly what her mother did to her. In fact, my T brought that up recently. Living in such a rationalized situation on her part just shows me how she has a lot to learn, and the chances are slim to none that she will want to ever be compassionate. That's why I am so glad I taught today, and the students were great. Otherwise, I would have been rather sad and feeling hopeless. I am just trying to get enough emotional energy and finances in order to make the move out of here.

[Samuel S.]

Here's an update for you. My BPDw and I are very proud of her D18 who's doing very well in college. My BPDw told me about her recent talk with her D18. Then, my BPDw said that her D18 would not be the same, if my son-in-law might have abused her sexually, that her life would be completely different. My BPDw then told me that I can have my side of the family, saying basically good riddance to him and my D41. Nothing ever happened, but her accusations caused fear, panic, and division tremendously so with all of us.

After she said all of the above, I became unraveled. I told her that they were just accusations and that everything is fine. I understand her need to protect her D18 who was 4 at the time, but to hang on to accusations for so long is a bit too much. She became very defensive. I retorted by saying that she has been verbally abusive. I gave her specific examples. I told her I am seeing a counselor to deal with her verbal abuse. Of course, she has conveniently forgotten about her verbal abuse of me. Then, she retorted with her poor me story about losing her older D 7 1/2 over 16 years ago. I emphasize with her about her loss, but as I told her, that is no reason whatsoever to take her frustration on me or anyone else.

One thing you need to know about me is that I am a very patient person who listens and helps. The last time I had an argument with anyone was with her, and that was 8 years ago. Also, due to my parents arguing so much when I was younger, I realized that arguing doesn't really help. It might clear the air somewhat, but the bad feelings can persist. So, I decided way back when not to purposefully create arguments and to relent in case someone wanted to argue with me. My BPDw was almost shocked that I started an argument with me, but she heard me somewhat.

This morning, just before leaving for her classes, she brought up on her own, if I were okay with the fact that she has been verbally abusive, because she has suffered so much over the years, that she is basically justified to be verbally abusive. I didn't create another argument, but I just said that she clarified her point of view. Sure, I was being tactful, but I get exhausted dealing with her toxicity. I even shared with her that if I had done something verbally abusive like she did, if she were to feel upset. She then said yes, but it's easy for her to say yes rather than to take responsibility and to make a change for the better.

It is rather evident she wants to take out her frustration onto me, even though this is exactly what her mother did to her. In fact, my T brought that up recently. Living in such a rationalized situation on her part just shows me how she has a lot to learn, and the chances are slim to none that she will want to ever be compassionate. That's why I am so glad I taught today, and the students were great. Otherwise, I would have been rather sad and feeling hopeless. I am just trying to get enough emotional energy and finances in order to make the move out of here.

[OnceConfused]

To keep bring up an unfounded accusation from 14 years ago of your Son in law is just lunatic. Perhaps it is an effort from her to ISOLATE you from your D and SIL. Personally, when I was with the XBPDgf, she used the same tactics trying to put doubt, fear of my daughter (16 at the time) into my mind.

It looks like your BPDw is living totally in the memory of the past, instead of living in the present moment. After living so long in the world of imagination, your imagination become your reality.

Samuel, start to plan your exit strategy: mentally and financially, NOW. Even if you end up not leaving her, you know that you will have an option, not being stuck.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Making up stories from isolated facts seems to be a common method for BP's. The methodology from my observations is

1. have a feeling, decide feeling is true

2. Look through encyclopedia of facts, and collect them together to explain feeling. Choose facts so that someone else is to blame.

3. Assign blame appropriately.

4. Go to step 1

My uBPDw does this consistently.  Many years ago she had a dream that I was cheating on her. She's trolled over the list of available facts and put together the conclusion that I have multiple affairs with gay men to humiliate and control her. In fact last night she was trying to gaslight me into believing that 1. I'm having an affair with someone down the street (wouldn't say who, that would be too specific) 2. She knows because she saw me 3. All the neighbors know too and now they're all judging me.

Notice that there doesn't have to be any logic to it, it just has to feel bad. Your wife is making up stories to try to get you to feel as bad as she does, because if you feel better it will make her feel even worse. She is trying to sow division because if you're divided you're easier to control.

All of this stuff is vitally important if you buy into it. It's all emotional abuse, but only if you let it. It's all just noise coming from someone lost in a dark scary place, it's got NOTHING to do with you. Stay in the big picture, help your wife as much as possible, and learn all you can about yourself. You can't fix her, but you can keep yourself from falling into the quicksand too.

[Samuel S.]

OnceConfused, you are so right about my BPDw acting like a lunatic. Also, she likes to degrade others behind their back in order to isolate whomever from whomever. She reminds me of Iago of "Othello". BTW, my SIL and my D41 are happily married, love one another, and very dedicated to one another and to their 2 children. My BPDw even admitted to me that she didn't want to communicate with me during that time, because she would be triggered about not having 2 kids of her own still.

Yes, I have been looking at an exit strategy, including what apartments are available out of town, because I most certainly don't want to live in the same town as she does. Also, I have lived here for about 44 years, and that's way too long. I will miss a lot of people, although I can visit once in a while, and I will make new friends.

TheRealJongoBong, you too are so right that my BPDw's problems are hers and wanting to divide and conquer. I do my best not to let her emotional abuse infiltrate me, but it happens sometimes. BTW, my T has mentioned to me that if I had been verbally abused now when I have talked with her, my T would report my BPDw to the appropriate authorities to get me out of here.

[OnceConfused]

samuel:

One thing I learned from my 94 yrs old mother, "blood is thicker than water". Once the xBPDgf started to say negative things about my Ds, despite my attachment at the time, I began to feel that the r.s would not last long.  Here were 3 young girls ranging from 10 to 16, who had just lost their mom 1 year ago, and right away were being judged negatively, (and not supported) by this new woman who could be their step mother. Family was very important to me, so the xBPDgf negative comments did not go very well with me.

Like I said, Samuel. Look at your exit strategy:

1. Prepare your mental health so that when you pull the trigger, you pull the trigger no looking back. this way you will have no regrets, no whatifs, no coulds, no shoulds. One thing that I did which helped tremendously was reading motivational books from Wayne Dyer, especially the cd "staying the path" and "101 ways to transform yourself" - these are on Amazon for about 10 a piece , downloadable as mp3 or cd. My local library also has them , so you can check there as well.

2. Prepare the finances. so you can walk away, worry free

3. One of the ways to prepare yourself mentally of freedom is to give away things that you have not used or worn for many years. This way you learn to detach, or at least telling your attaching mind that it is ok to live without this or that or BPD.

[Samuel S.]

OnceConfused, thank you so very much for your sound advice! I am preparing myself mentally to regain my mental health from my BPDw's insanity or warped sense of reality. The financial aspect is going to be the more difficult challenge to handle, but I will do the best I can.

Last night, I went to a BBQ by myself which was a lot of fun and interacted with a lot of caring, compassionate individuals. In fact, I made some new connections and will be hired as a mentor to novice teachers. I will be giving a workshop for novice teachers - all of which I had done when I was a full time teacher. I even made a connection with a person whose daughter directed a film called "Listen", basically about kids, parents, and bullying. The reason why I mentioned this is because I have writen a social sci-fi ebook dealing with family issues along with global concerns. I hope to meet her in order to see if we can collaborate on a movie project based on my ebook which would be exciting! So, we shall see what happens.

Why I mentioned this is because I was all excited last night about this when I returned. I shared my excitement with my BPDw, but while she was always so jubilant in the past, I could barely hear a "that's nice". Then, she went on by saying she needed to get ready for work and to study more. In the meantime, I have always listened to her sincerely and totally and validated her sincerely and totally. It is rather evident that she is incapable or jealous or both. I don't know. It is hard to figure her out. I guess you can't get joy out of a sad person, even though she gets so totally excited about her own things, like only her things matter.

Bottom line, she has given me that much more validation that our relationship is not mutual. It is a one way street - hers! That's sad, but that's on her. I haven't done anything wrong. I am still genuinely the loving person whom she met and married a long time ago, giving her love, support, validation, praise, and encouragement. She obviously changed or never was authentic. Time to move on when I can!

[Samuel S.]

Maybe, my BPDw has learned a valuable lesson, but I don't know for sure. She called me up from out of town due to her classes she takes for 3 days each week. She was particularly impressed by how kind a particular professor was by listening and by attempting to help her deal with her grief. She made the comment about how kind he was. I truly am glad that she got his help, and I hope she has learned that not only will kindness help her, but it is also important to be kind herself to others instead of being verbally abusive and neglectful. By the way, I have always listened and have always helped for the last 15 years that I have been with her.

[OnceConfused]

I am glad that she perhaps sees kindness as a way to solve our problem. By the same token, I want you to be still careful because BPD tends to be enamored by someone kindness in the INITIAL STAGE. As time goes on, the BPD characterw would come out and take over her behaviors.

By the way, I have always listened and have always helped for the last 15 years that I have been with her

As evidenced by what you wrote above, your kindness has become old to her and no longer recognized. So what is the difference between what  you did for 15 years and what the professor did for 5 minutes ?

I can remember that my xBPDgf AT FIRST was so attentive to me and my life story, she made me feel like I  then met my soul mate. Little did I know that shortly after the intimacy began, the craziness of BPD also began. 

[Samuel S.]

The kindness episode was only an episode. My BPDw just called me stating how a student wanted to have a ride home and asked my BPDw, if she could have a ride. This woman has asked in the past, and my BPDw would sometimes say yes and sometimes say no. This time, she promptly said that she couldn't do it every time, because she has too much studying to do, that a total of 40 minutes would interfere with her "precious" study time. Considering that they both were sitting for the last 6 hours, considering this woman doesn't have too much money, and considering that it really wouldn't take too much time for my BPDw, it would be a healthy break. Nevertheless, she did give her friend a ride, but it will probably be rather rarely done in the future. In the meantime, she complained up a storm to me about her.

Here, I thought my BPDw had really learned about kindness and paying it forward. Evidently, I was wrong.

OnceConfused, yes, you're right. I guess my kindness has become old to her and no longer recognized. That's too bad, because there will be a time in which she may actually regret not recognizing this fact and not having quality time with me. Of course, she might not actually care. Yes, there is craziness in the BPD unfortunately when all we want to do is to give, to love, and to be loved.