How to recover from years of rejection?

[vortex of confusion]

I have been thinking a lot about rejection lately.

There are times when I read posts from others that are talking about problems with a spouse and I find myself thinking, "That is me." rather than relating it to my husband's behavior.

I choose not to sleep with my husband most nights. Being next to him bugs me for some reason. I think it is because I am having a difficult time because there were quite a few years where I would try to snuggle with him and he would turn his back on me. There were times when he had his own room that I would try to go to him and be with him and he would snub me. There were times when I used to fall asleep in the kids' room and I would ask him to wake me up so I could sleep with him. He was up and down all night going to the bathroom so it wouldn't have been a big deal to come jiggle my foot so I could go sleep in a bed with him rather than on the floor in the kids' room. I gave up. He finally started trying to do some of those things but by that time, it was too late. I had become so accustomed to doing my thing that all it did was irritate me. I found myself thinking, "Why now? Why after so many years are you finally doing these things?" Frankly, I think he is doing it now so that he can make me look like the jerk because I am not impressed.

Being physically intimate with him is like doing the dishes a lot of the time. It isn't uncommon for his equipment to not work or for him to get satisfied and then go to sleep. I know I could ask him to help me but I don't. The thought of him helping me is unappealing to me. He is like a bull in a china shop no matter how gentle he tries to be.

Sometimes, I feel outright disgusted by him. It has nothing to do with anything physical. I look at him sometimes and see what seems like a complete stranger. He seems to wear his SA label with pride. I am so irritated because he hasn't done anything more than most of the guys that were on Ashley Madison website. How is it that my husband qualifies as SA? I have asked him that question. For 10 years, he didn't do anything that even remotely resembled SA or anything of the sort. It disgusts me that he wants to use SA as an excuse for whatever it is that ails him. I have had the thought that he isn't SA. I just don't trip his trigger (he has said that to me before) and he is too chickensh*t to admit that he likes the fact that I take such good care of our family but that I just don't excite him. Why is he SA but I am not? I emailed other guys. I went outside of our marriage. I just think the whole thing is completely bogus.

The other day, we had a discussion about some of the stuff that has happened in the past. He admitted that he feels more comfortable talking about sex with other women than he does me. For some reason, that bothers the snot out of me. I don't want to say anything bad about him because I have the same experience. I am not comfortable talking to him about sex because I am so afraid of triggering him or saying or doing something that is going to set off his supposed addiction. Is it possible that he and I are sexually incompatible and have both been in denial for all of these years? I won't lie. I have always felt like our physical relationship has been mediocre because it focused on his pleasure and mine would get largely ignored. To me, that is just one more form of rejection.

Other things that have triggered feelings of rejection in me are the times that he has made his mother more of a priority than me. If I were to say something, he probably wouldn't listen. If his mother said it, then that was a totally different story. For years, every time he got a new job it seemed like he would gauge it based on what his parents would think. What I thought wasn't nearly as important as what mommy and daddy thought.

And then there were all of the times when he checked out with computer games.

Our history is filled with what seems like him systematically rejecting me in a whole lot of different ways. He is really trying. I acknowledge his efforts and I try to treat him like I have always treated him. Inside me, I have this nagging feeling that I am not going to be able to do this much longer. I feel like I am supposed to fall all over myself because he is stepping up and checking in and trying to act like a husband. I am not impressed. I feel guilty because I don't really look at him and think, "Awwww, I love him so much and he is so great." When I look at him, I see a pathetic man and I feel sorry for him. I know that isn't healthy. I know that I am wrong for even entertaining such thoughts. I don't tell him any of this stuff. I am trying to let myself feel it without feeling so blasted guilty about it. After the incident with the coach, I don't know where else to get this stuff out so I can try to sort it out.

[Daniell85]

Why are you wrong for entertaining such thoughts?

Feelings just exist.

Maybe what you really feel is what you are saying you feel. You have valid reasons for it. Sometimes I look at my erstwhile boyfriend and think, will it even matter if he pulls it together enough to actually be willing to respect my boundaries?

You had many many years of this. A person wears out sometimes.

Don't know what else to say other than it's ok to feel how you do. 

[vortex of confusion]

Why are you wrong for entertaining such thoughts?

Feelings just exist.

I think it is important to be mindful. I don't like being overly negative. Not only that, but there is that quip that goes something like this:

“Watch your thoughts, they become words;

watch your words, they become actions;

watch your actions, they become habits;

watch your habits, they become character;

watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

You had many many years of this. A person wears out sometimes.

I have had 16 or so years of this to some degree. I don't feel like he ever abused me. It has been the more subtle stuff of not finding time for me or making other people or things in his life a priority. I am worn out.

Don't know what else to say other than it's ok to feel how you do. 

Thanks! I just need to get this stuff out somewhere. Everyone here is so good at asking questions and providing support that I figured I would bring it here.

[Cat Familiar]

Vortex,

I know you are on the staying board because you want to have a stable home for your children until they're ready to leave the nest.

You have a lot of history with your husband and your feelings about him are legitimate.

It sounds like you're beating yourself up because you don't see a path to feeling the loving intimacy that you think a husband and wife should have.

From what you write here, it doesn't sound like you've ever really had that intimacy.

He was an attentive dad when the kids were younger and he was helpful and considerate of you during your pregnancies and then it all went to sh!t.

People change. People move on. You have four great kids. Maybe that was the reason you paired up with him. Maybe there's not really a future there and you don't want to believe that. You'd rather believe that something is your fault.

Why not free yourself from expectations and demands and just live life one day at a time? Maybe you'll be together in your old age. Maybe you'll find someone else. Maybe you'll be alone. All these options can be happy ones. Don't pressure yourself to figure it all out ahead of time. Just see how it unfolds.   

[OffRoad]

Frankly, I think he is doing it now so that he can make me look like the jerk because I am not impressed.

We must be soul sisters.

Other things that have triggered feelings of rejection in me are the times that he has made his mother more of a priority than me. If I were to say something, he probably wouldn't listen. If his mother said it, then that was a totally different story. For years, every time he got a new job it seemed like he would gauge it based on what his parents would think. What I thought wasn't nearly as important as what mommy and daddy thought.

I get this. I also have the similar problem that is I mention something to do, it is poo-poo'd. If ANYONE else mentions the same thing, it is the BEST IDEA EVER!

And then there were all of the times when he checked out with computer games.

Except for the SA, we could have the same guy.

Our history is filled with what seems like him systematically rejecting me in a whole lot of different ways. He is really trying. I acknowledge his efforts and I try to treat him like I have always treated him. Inside me, I have this nagging feeling that I am not going to be able to do this much longer.

I so understand this feeling. It's like you are just done inside.

I feel like I am supposed to fall all over myself because he is stepping up and checking in and trying to act like a husband. I am not impressed. I feel guilty because I don't really look at him and think, "Awwww, I love him so much and he is so great." When I look at him, I see a pathetic man and I feel sorry for him. I know that isn't healthy. I know that I am wrong for even entertaining such thoughts. I don't tell him any of this stuff. I am trying to let myself feel it without feeling so blasted guilty about it. After the incident with the coach, I don't know where else to get this stuff out so I can try to sort it out.

You are not alone. I have an almost identical situation, except mine is in the process of blaming me for everything he's ever IMAGINED I have done, taking no responsibility for things he could have done himself, but since he didn't and I didn't, it must be my fault, while insisting he has done nothing wrong EVER. Mix in an over the top "HAPPY" attitude that I am supposed to match, and I find myself alone in my room a lot. Almost makes me glad it is just my room.

Do you ever wonder :Why am I still here? Why do I bother? Nothing I ever do is good enough. He's verbally attacked me so many times (while accusing me of attacking him) I feel beaten to a pulp. You aren't the only one, if that is true for you.

[townhouse]

Oh My there must be something in the water.

Here I am totally feeling the same as you Vor and you Off Road.

Why am I still here?, Why do I bother? Nothing I ever do is good enough. And verbally attacked.

Cat Familiar has good advice as ever, in that I am taking it one day at a time.

Hugs to you Vortex, you have had a rough time lately.

[sweetheart]

I have been thinking a lot about rejection lately.

Our history is filled with what seems like him systematically rejecting me in a whole lot of different ways. He is really trying. I acknowledge his efforts and I try to treat him like I have always treated him. Inside me, I have this nagging feeling that I am not going to be able to do this much longer. I feel like I am supposed to fall all over myself because he is stepping up and checking in and trying to act like a husband. I am not impressed. I feel guilty because I don't really look at him and think, "Awwww, I love him so much and he is so great." When I look at him, I see a pathetic man and I feel sorry for him. I know that isn't healthy. I know that I am wrong for even entertaining such thoughts. I don't tell him any of this stuff. I am trying to let myself feel it without feeling so blasted guilty about it. After the incident with the coach, I don't know where else to get this stuff out so I can try to sort it out.

I wonder VOC if through the coach 'rejecting' you by reporting you, she has caused all these unresolved feelings around your marriage to resurface again. Feelings that through posting on these boards had maybe become a bit more manageable for you to navigate prior to this. Like maybe you could choose what to deal with through the more analytical path you were taking on here, but she took that choice away from you... .

It's like all these questions around how you feel about staying with your husband have resurfaced, all at once and I can hear in all you recent posts this is really overwhelming for you. It's like you not getting a chance to catch your breathe.   

So in answer to how can you recover from the feelings of rejection is to know that what the coach did to you was unprofessional, wounding, rejecting and leaves you in a place unable to ask questions like 'why' 'help me understand' or get even get some kind of closure on what happened. This VOC is crazy making stuff and has left you understandably reeling, how could it not?

The coach rejected you by reporting you when you were at your most vulnerable and emotionally exposed. This is a betrayal of trust, she did not keep you safe.

It is possible that what might need to be directed at the coach has inadvertently been redirected at your husband, because they both have rejected you, caused you to feel guilty and leave you blaming yourself alone.

What has happened to you VOC is really horrible, sh***y stuff that will take time to process and for you to sit more comfortably with. I believe that you will in time sort through this, but of course there is no comprehensive 'how' to sort this, only to just keep doing what your doing here. Because it seems to me through the course of all your posts this is something that works for you. When you write, you are eloquent and insightful and show great strength and determination.

waverider mentioned finding a way to self-soothe, it seems to me that writing here can be a really positive way for all of us to self soothe.

[Notwendy]

VOC, I wish I had the answer to your question. I don't know if it helps to know that you are not alone. I struggle with this too. I think at the bottom of this is fear, at least for me, that if I started to truly feel like I wanted my H with all abandon that he'd do it again. I think he has made some changes over the past few years and would like this, but underneath it all, I am scared- not of abandonment but of not wanting to experience the times when I was painted black and rejected, even though he doesn't feel that way now. Knowing what I do about the push pull, I feel that not getting too close or too far away is the safest position, but I think I am selling out passion for safety.


Talking about sex with someone as close as a spouse is scary. One has so much more invested in a spouse. It is easier to risk rejection with a stranger- not much is invested, and one can keep a mask on. It seems counter intuitive that it is easier to talk about intimate things with a stranger, but I think the underlying feeling is fear.

As to the SA- I don't know much about that, but I think the process of recovery can be helpful regardless of the label, and perhaps your H finds it helpful. I know that you didn't- and that is OK too- we are all different. I also think it is possible to overdo anything, even positive things- like diet, exercise, religion. - we've all seen examples of extreme devotion to something like that which is an issue. I don't know if this is your H's personality style- an addictive style can overdo anything.

I agree with sweetheart- that right now it is understandable if you feel betrayed and hurt by what that counselor did. It was unfair to you, and it has to leave you feeling out on a limb. I think you have had some negative experiences with seeking help and I can understand it being painful and frustrating.

[vortex of confusion]

People change. People move on. You have four great kids. Maybe that was the reason you paired up with him. Maybe there's not really a future there and you don't want to believe that. You'd rather believe that something is your fault.

Hmmm. . .I don't know if there is a future or not. I think right now my biggest concern is figuring out what the heck I even feel.

Why not free yourself from expectations and demands and just live life one day at a time?

I have made it 17 years with him by living life one day at a time. Living one day at a time doesn't get any kind of plans made. It doesn't give one much to look forward to in the long run. I want to be able to plan for the future a little bit more.

Don't pressure yourself to figure it all out ahead of time. Just see how it unfolds.   

I want and need to figure this out. I don't feel like I am pressuring myself to do anything. These are nagging feelings that I have denied or pretended didn't exist. It is time for me to admit this stuff and deal with it.

[vortex of confusion]

I so understand this feeling. It's like you are just done inside.

I like that description. . ."just done inside". That captures how I feel really well.

You are not alone. I have an almost identical situation, except mine is in the process of blaming me for everything he's ever IMAGINED I have done, taking no responsibility for things he could have done himself, but since he didn't and I didn't, it must be my fault, while insisting he has done nothing wrong EVER. Mix in an over the top "HAPPY" attitude that I am supposed to match, and I find myself alone in my room a lot. Almost makes me glad it is just my room.

I feel very lucky that my husband has never really blamed me for anything. I am still painted perfectly white. I am pretty sure that I could do whatever I wanted and he would find a way to blame himself. He sees himself as a complete screw up. He blames his mom and dad or this experience or that experience but not me.

I do get the happy attitude that seems to be expected of me. Me being grumpy or feeling bad freaks everyone out. It is difficult to maintain that level of wonderfulness all of the time.

[vortex of confusion]

I wonder VOC if through the coach 'rejecting' you by reporting you, she has caused all these unresolved feelings around your marriage to resurface again. Feelings that through posting on these boards had maybe become a bit more manageable for you to navigate prior to this. Like maybe you could choose what to deal with through the more analytical path you were taking on here, but she took that choice away from you... .

Thank you so much sweetheart! That makes a lot of sense. I did feel like I was making some progress before she did what she did. I actually felt like I was making a lot of progress. Then she hit me all of that stuff that was so far from my reality that I didn't know what to think or do. So, here I am back at that place where I am trying to figure out what the heck is real. What is real is that my husband isn't the abusive monster that she tried to tell me that he is. He is way too submissive. I have shared bits and pieces of different stuff with some of our friends. They all think the idea of my husband forcing me to do anything is hilarious.

This is what I find the most crazy. I have asked the kids for full reports of what goes on when I am not here. I have told the kids that CPS wants to make sure that dad isn't hurting anybody or doing anything inappropriate. The kids find that completely crazy.

It's like all these questions around how you feel about staying with your husband have resurfaced, all at once and I can hear in all you recent posts this is really overwhelming for you. It's like you not getting a chance to catch your breathe.   

So in answer to how can you recover from the feelings of rejection is to know that what the coach did to you was unprofessional, wounding, rejecting and leaves you in a place unable to ask questions like 'why' 'help me understand' or get even get some kind of closure on what happened. This VOC is crazy making stuff and has left you understandably reeling, how could it not?

The coach rejected you by reporting you when you were at your most vulnerable and emotionally exposed. This is a betrayal of trust, she did not keep you safe.

This is so true. I am trying not to let this taint things more than they already have. It seems like the people that I am supposed to be able to trust are the ones that have betrayed me. I don't feel emotionally safe with my husband because he just can't handle me. He doesn't know what to do when I have feelings that don't fall into the category of "happy". Right now, my whole world feels completely unsafe. I hate that. I hate feeling so unsafe in my own skin. I don't think I have ever felt quite like this before.

It is possible that what might need to be directed at the coach has inadvertently been redirected at your husband, because they both have rejected you, caused you to feel guilty and leave you blaming yourself alone.

Hmmmm. . .I am going to have to think about that one. I don't know if things have been redirected towards my husband or not. I am guessing that there is an element of that there. My husband is more than happy to take the blame for anything and everything. He is an easy target in all honesty.

waverider mentioned finding a way to self-soothe, it seems to me that writing here can be a really positive way for all of us to self soothe.

 

Writing here is much safer and much more soothing than the other options that I have available at the moment.

Thank you again sweetheart! Your post gave me a lot to think about.

[Notwendy]

I get the sense that the decision of what happens in your marriage is up to you to decide.

Taking the " I am a screw up" position is a way of not taking responsibility. I have a sibling like that. He could make different choices, but he says " well it doesn't matter because I am a screw up".

Sometimes avoiding action is out of fear of making a mistake. So by not taking action, you don't take the risk. I don't know if he is happy in the marriage or not, but by leaving the action to you, he gets to not be the one to ruin his marriage?

So, that leaves you in a tough position. I know you have children to think of and that makes it harder.

[vortex of confusion]

Talking about sex with someone as close as a spouse is scary. One has so much more invested in a spouse. It is easier to risk rejection with a stranger- not much is invested, and one can keep a mask on. It seems counter intuitive that it is easier to talk about intimate things with a stranger, but I think the underlying feeling is fear.

I don't think I will ever understand the idea that talking to a spouse about sex is scary. In my opinion, my spouse is the one person that I should feel most comfortable talking to sex about. We have 4 kids together. It is obvious that we have gotten busy a time or two.

As to the SA- I don't know much about that, but I think the process of recovery can be helpful regardless of the label, and perhaps your H finds it helpful. I know that you didn't- and that is OK too- we are all different. I also think it is possible to overdo anything, even positive things- like diet, exercise, religion. - we've all seen examples of extreme devotion to something like that which is an issue. I don't know if this is your H's personality style- an addictive style can overdo anything.

I know that the process of SA 12 step has been very helpful to my husband. I don't want him to stop going or stop working on that. I am just tired of what feels like having my nose rubbed in the fact that he is supposedly SA and that is supposed to explain everything.

I do know that my husband tends to be one that likes to join and not question. He has a very obsessive compulsive personality.

[vortex of confusion]

Sometimes avoiding action is out of fear of making a mistake. So by not taking action, you don't take the risk. I don't know if he is happy in the marriage or not, but by leaving the action to you, he gets to not be the one to ruin his marriage?

I think he is happy in the marriage. I think he will continue to be happy as long as nothing changes and as long as he doesn't have to make any real decisions. Almost all of the big decisions are left up to me. If I need help making a decision, I tend to go to people other than him. His tendency is to agree with whatever I say. In reflecting on our years together, I can see where his behavior got worse when I was frustrated and upset and was thinking about leaving.

I am pretty sure that he will let me do whatever I want and be happy with it as long as I don't leave.

[Notwendy]

Seems like he is using SA as a cop out or excuse. I agree, it doesn't explain everything, nor is it the whole of who he is. As I mentioned, even positive things can be misused. I am sorry he is doing that, and I agree that you don't have to buy into that.

[vortex of confusion]

Seems like he is using SA as a cop out or excuse. I agree, it doesn't explain everything, nor is it the whole of who he is. As I mentioned, even positive things can be misused. I am sorry he is doing that, and I agree that you don't have to buy into that.

Somebody sent me a link to information about dependent personality disorder. There was a lot there that made a lot of sense.

I completely agree that SA is cop out for him. One of the things that his self shame and self blame has done is really confuse me. I still feel like I am trying to figure out all of the pieces of this jigsaw puzzle. I am trying not to worry about what he is doing but am trying to figure out my own feelings about things and sort out what is what.

I will be honest. I have done things to deliberately rock the boat. I have done my fair share of push/pull with him and he doesn't hold me accountable and he doesn't act like he even cares. When I need honest feedback about things, I have to go to other people.

[Sunfl0wer]

Right now, my whole world feels completely unsafe. I hate that. I hate feeling so unsafe in my own skin. I don't think I have ever felt quite like this before.

I hear what sweetheart says regarding things resurfacing. It makes a lot of sense to me.

I'll respond and add IMHO... .

Your words above remind me of my own PTSD.  I am familiar with this feel EXACTLY.

Feeling "that your whole world" feels unsafe, makes me feel that the experience with the coach, has indeed been a trauma for you in itself, and likely brought you back in to a time where you felt things were out of your control, unsafe, and confusing to make sense of. All understandable given what occurred.

This above statement alone leads me to believe you have been triggered and are being somewhat hypervigilant and "looking" or on "the look out" for danger.  From what I recall, your mom is pouring salt on this wound and adding to the harm and exploiting your feelings of "not safe."  You need to make feeling safe your priority, so you are not looking to "run" as a means of current relief of this feeling.

I hear that you say you don't believe you have felt this way before, however, it may be possible you cannot recall it.

The 3 common trigger responses are: fight, flight, freeze.  You seem to be contemplating flight for a sense of relief.

When I am triggered, it is like being in an emotional flashback.  It is not about the person in front of me.  It is about finding the source of the feeling, relating it to the past, then talking to myself in a CBT sort of reality check way for as much as it takes, and then getting back to being grounded and feeling ok again.

The coach "altered reality" on you.  She further invalidated "reality" by you having to respond to CPS and get into a mind frame of HER created reality to protect yourself, your family.  You were forced to be on hyper-alert for weeks.  You were put in a position of questioning everything you felt was true, your experiences, values, decisions, etc. You were put in a mind frame of protecting the safety of your children... .and no matter which truth you questioned or believed, you were still in a catch 22 that something actually was not safe... .either your family, or the investigation.  This is very disorienting!    It will take time to return to a baseline of not in constant awareness following an event like this.  

I think that while undergoing the investigation, you were forced to not process your emotions for appearances of holding it together and pressing through survival mode.  Now that it is mostly behind you, you are having that processing hit you.  You cannot turn to your H as not only can he not relate, but he is also the "accused perpetrator" in this altered coach reality!  This coach has taken away herself as a source of strength, with her own betrayal, and also taken away part of your H.   While he is often limited, you still could talk about somethings with him... .but this, even less.  So... .you are left on your own, with less support.

Before this whole mess, you were actively in a progress mode and optimistic... .you had the added strength of "a professional" and a sense of hope to look forward to, for you and your family.  This hope has all been shattered.  Your sense of self, your r/s with H, your role as a mom, your abilities as a mom, and your REALITY itself, have all been attacked, investigated, questioned... .this IS devastating!  Feeling devastated, unsupported, confused, not knowing to trust another, or even yourself IS a completely valid response for this awful circumstance!

I think you are doing great!  As odd as that sounds... .I think you are processing "normally" to what occurred.  I think this feeling is a piece of your grieving process for this trauma.

 

[Sunfl0wer]

PS: I suspect the reason your H maybe a easy person to transfer anger onto, is his behavior of providing an invalidating environment to you ... .when you feel vulnerable right now... .

Which may add to the feels of not being safe.

The coach harmed you by attacking you with an invalidation of reality.

He is likely not attacking you, but unintentionally doing the same.

Whereas, your mom's response is actually validating, so not as disturbing.  However, what she is validating, is the invalid, and this is not safe as you need to get back to a place grounded in the reality you had prior to the coach... .your own true reality... .based on self trust.

I realize these thoughts may be a stretch.  I also realize your intelligence and trust your awareness to sort out if it applies to you or not.

Trusting yourself is a good thing to do right now!

[Cat Familiar]

I hear a lot of frustration and discouragement in your words.   

It must be really frustrating that you can't share these feelings with your husband and have him truly understand how you feel.

I'm guessing that you're second guessing yourself after having to prove to CPS that your home is a healthy normal environment for your children.

It's no wonder that you feel anger and irritation for your husband, as his behavior is the root of the uncomfortable feelings you were hoping to work out with the coach.

I know you want a plan and a strategy for the future, but feelings suppressed cannot be forced into the open, just because we will them to be. Perhaps if you break down the feelings (and thoughts) into parts, as you've done regarding your husband: that he's not the monster your "coach" perceived, that the children are safe with him, that your household is "normal"--I think that would be a good start. Maybe writing it down, bit by bit, rather than looking for a global overview or strategy.

Sitting in uncertainty is uncomfortable, but you can't force yourself to know your feelings, you can only be open to letting them unfold gently.   

[Notwendy]

VOC, I think that CPS referral was uncalled for and I can understand you feeling betrayed, not only by the professionals you asked to help you but also by that SA label, which is the (unfounded) reason for all of that.

I think the people who made the report don't know what SA is, but as professionals, they should have.

Honestly, I didn't know what it was. I did read a book about it, when I was reading about various addictions. I wonder how many people even understand it? I would expect professionals to understand it though, and you should too.

I can see why you hate that your H waves the SA flag when it led to this. You are a good mom and to have someone question the safety of your home is invalidating.

I am sorry this happened to you and hope that you have some healing from this.

[vortex of confusion]

Feeling "that your whole world" feels unsafe, makes me feel that the experience with the coach, has indeed been a trauma for you in itself, and likely brought you back in to a time where you felt things were out of your control, unsafe, and confusing to make sense of. All understandable given what occurred.

Oh my, it has been very traumatic. It might not have been so bad if somebody hadn't sat in my living room and asked me point blank, ":)id your husband force you to have sex with other men?" Hearing that made me sick at my stomach. My husband can't force me to do anything. I am a very stubborn person. I may have felt like I didn't have a choice but that is very, very different than being forced. I felt like I had to go outside of my marriage to get certain needs met at that time. I had my husband's blessings and encouragement. There was no force involved at all. Most of the conflicting feelings that I had about that were a result of ME not being able to reconcile my own values. Going outside of my marriage felt like I was betraying myself.

This above statement alone leads me to believe you have been triggered and are being somewhat hypervigilant and "looking" or on "the look out" for danger.  From what I recall, your mom is pouring salt on this wound and adding to the harm and exploiting your feelings of "not safe."  You need to make feeling safe your priority, so you are not looking to "run" as a means of current relief of this feeling.

Yes, I have been very hypervigilant. I am back to work a couple days of the week so that helps a little. But still, I just have this sense of fear and dread. I did get my mother to stop with the talk. I told her to please stop talking about it. I know the possibilities and I am aware of her fears. I have my own fears and I can't handle having them fed. She has been pretty good about it since I set a boundary with her.

The coach "altered reality" on you.  She further invalidated "reality" by you having to respond to CPS and get into a mind frame of HER created reality to protect yourself, your family.  You were forced to be on hyper-alert for weeks.  You were put in a position of questioning everything you felt was true, your experiences, values, decisions, etc. You were put in a mind frame of protecting the safety of your children... .and no matter which truth you questioned or believed, you were still in a catch 22 that something actually was not safe... .either your family, or the investigation.  This is very disorienting!    It will take time to return to a baseline of not in constant awareness following an event like this.  

Thank you for this! Disorienting is a very good way to put it. I am trying to return to that baseline where I can relax a bit more. I am trying to go back to being a bit more analytical. It is sometimes difficult for me to get back to that place of balance when I feel so attacked. I feel really attacked by why the coach did.

And, I am also kind of aggravated because I feel like I had to put all of my feelings about my husband on hold. I feel like I have to find every single positive thing about him and sell this notion that he is awesome. I will swear on a stack of Bibles and be my life on the fact that he isn't a danger to the kids. However, that doesn't mean that all of the stuff between us has been forgiven. That doesn't mean that all of the negative stuff that I was trying to deal with has gone away. It is still there. Now, I am afraid of trying to talk about it or confront it because I don't want people to listen to me vent and then use that as some kind of indication that he is a horrible person that is a danger to me or the kids. Everybody that knows me and him laugh at the idea that he could be a danger to anyone. Everybody that knows the both of us laugh at the idea that he could force me to do anything.

So... .you are left on your own, with less support.

Exactly! Even though I know that my husband isn't a danger to anyone, I am still disgusted by the fact that anyone would even suggest such a thing. I could see how somebody might think that he is problematic for me. I can't see how anybody in their right mind would come to the conclusions that she did. I was disgusted and floored and had no friggin' clue how to deal with the crap that she was throwing at me.

Your sense of self, your r/s with H, your role as a mom, your abilities as a mom, and your REALITY itself, have all been attacked, investigated, questioned... .this IS devastating!  Feeling devastated, unsupported, confused, not knowing to trust another, or even yourself IS a completely valid response for this awful circumstance!

Thank you again! You can question me as a wife. I might get uncomfortable. However, one thing that I know I am good at is being a mom. Every kid that has ever come to my house loves it. I have had family members bring their kids to my house and get amazed at how well behaved their kids are. I don't know how many people come to my house and immediately raid the food because they love my cooking and know that I tend to have yummy stuff on hand most of the time. I may not be a perfect mom but I know that I am darned good. That isn't me being arrogant either. I have a 14 year old that quite frequently tells me how glad she is to have me as a mom. So, yeah, I am totally questioning everything that I thought I knew.