Teetering on the brink - Borderline/Narcissistic daughter

[HawaiiFay]

Hi:

My name is Fay. I am coming here because I feel like I have no place else to turn and am on the brink of giving up on trying to help my daughter. I hate the feeling because I love her so deeply. But even parents have their limits of suffering abuse. I am a parent, but I am still HUMAN. I do have a breaking point.

My 16 year old daughter has been displaying severe symptoms of borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder for almost three years. I have been the constant victim of emotional, mental, and physical abuse. I have been emotionally and mentally manipulated. I have lived with constant opposition defiance. She won't go to school or do schoolwork or take any responsibility in the home. She disappears for days at a time. She smokes weed. She habitually lies. She steals from other family and manipulates their emotions to get what she wants. She is displaying increasingly erratic behavior. In the past three years I have had to call the police at least 10 times because she became physically violent. She has had several faked suicide attempts (deemed so by professionals). She lies to and manipulates therapists, caseworkers, and physicians. She has been in a behavioral unit three times. She has lived with two therapeutic foster care families, both of which ended up ending the arrangement because of her defiance of their authority.

Yet, despite all of this, whenever she presents in front of new therapists and caseworkers, she lies and manipulates them to the point where she appears perfectly normal and makes me look like I am making everything up. And I am left with no help and everyone thinking that I must be some overly demanding, paranoid mother who is making up stories. She has even gone so far as to lie and 'act' when we are in a hospital or therapy room alone because she thinks someone might be listening.

I went so far as to begin to document her behavior with photos, audio recordings, and journal entries. But she stole my phone and so most of it is lost, though I did transfer some to my computer beforehand. But good luck getting anyone in the system to sit still long enough to listen to my side of the story and review the documentation. The system is designed to protect children and demonize parents.

She will finally get to the point where she will pretend she is cooperating just so she can come back home and get all the 'stuff' she is addicted to (phone, mirror, music), but then her behavior will eventually begin to escalate again.

I have been to therapy and learned all kinds of tools for dealing with her behavior. But how much can one person take?

Is there some point where I have to accept that she us beyond my help and place here in a more permanent therapeutic setting? And if so, how do I convince the professionals in the system that she needs it?

HELP!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AVR1962]

Fay, I feel for you and do understand your struggle. You are not alone. My daughter put us thru much of the same. You have been thru alot. let me say that I know you might feel lost and questioning yourself at this point but you have to stay strong. Don't let your daughter's struggles/issues question your own sanity.

So therapy is not working, she refuses school, she is blaming towards you, abusing you and substances. What happens when she runs from home? Does she come back on her own?

I can tell you what I did with my BPD daughter when she did this. Does not mean it will make a difference with your daughter or not. I went he tough love route. There had been one thing after the other since she was 6, when her dad left. All of it was to draw attention to herself, she wanted the spotlight and if that meant getting negative attention she would do it. I forbid her at 16, to date a 21 year old. She continued to see him without me knowing. Days after she turned 17 she lied to me about being at work when really she was with this 21 year old. I waited up for her and confronted her when she came in the door. She lunged at me and took her nails and raked down my arms. I put her on the ground and held her there contemplating whether to call the police. I let her up and she moved out that night to this boyfriend's house.

She quit school 3 months shy of graduating high school. BF situation didn't work out she she went to her bio father's home which also didn't work out. She and I had no contact this whole time, several months this played out. One day she called asking to come home. My husband did not want her back in our house but he agreed as long as she agreed to a contract and signed it. That was presented, she agreed and signed and she did everything she agreed to including therapy, getting a job and finishing school.

Don't fight with her, don't become part of the problem. I know this is no easy and it is hard not to react but you have to let go emotionally and not react. Understand she has issues and she is the only one that can face her issues. Also realize that the manipulation that you speak about might be her twisted reality. One of my other daughters told me time and time again that her sister was mentally ill and it just would not register. Validate and support, encourage but don't try to change he reality. I never found confronting my daughter did anything but make her more angry and hateful.

[tristesse]

Hello Fay and welcome to bpdfamily.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this anguish right now. But like AVR1962 has said, don't give up.

The BPD struggle is very real, and I always say it is an all consuming illness, and does not discriminate. The good news is, your daughter does not have to be a lost cause. People can recover, or learn to live with BPD in an acceptable way.

There is a lot of support here on this site, and so much information, advice and help. People here really do care about you and your family. I suggest to you, that you look at the TOOLS and Lessons on the right side of this message board. There is so much to be learned, and so many helpful skills. I understand you have been to therapy and have learned different communication methods, but I say, learn all you can, practice using the skills everyday with anybody you communicate with, The more you practice, the better you get, it becomes almost second nature.

I also want to remind you to respond, but not react to her raging. She will look at a reaction as a challenge, and that will just fuel her flame and she will continue to rage. Remember to validate the valid, and to listen to her with your full attention. If you are engaged in anything else, washing dishes, dusting a shelf, etc. it will look to her as if you are not listening and paying attention, thus, invalidating her feelings.

My own daughter is now 31, soon to be 32, and has been a BPD since about the age of 12 or 13, she was a cutter and has actually tried to commit suicide. She has had a violent past history as well, and our relationship was in constant turmoil. I found this site about a year and a half ago, and for several months it was just a place to vent, but then I took a break, I re-evaluated myself and my actions and how I was contributing to her BPD rages. I took the skills I had learned and set out to perfect them ( not that I could, but I tried ). Things have gotten so much better. My daughter has actually been able to work on herself, to see where her problem areas are. Things are far from perfect in our lives, but they are a whole lot better, and we are still working it.

You are not alone, and we are all here to help you through it.

[six]

Hi Fay

i just want to say that i often asked myself the same question, how much can one person handle?  it was so  hard when my BPDs was a teenager.  life started to improve a bit when he hit his 20s.  dont give up hope.  it will change.  now my son is 28 and although things are not perfect, and he is not in contact with me, he is doing pretty well and living a functional life.  i am grateful for that. i hope things start to improve for you soon. i am rooting for you

[Kate4queen]

Sometimes you actually have to take a step back and let your BPD child/teen fail-it's incredibly hard for a parent to do. I would do anything to cover up my son's behavior by placating him and other family members being constantly on alert for problems and nearly killing myself trying to save him from himself.

At 16 things got so difficult that something had to change. So when he walked out (again) I started not to chase him down and beg him to return. When he called the police on me for sitting on him after he threatened me with a knife. I let him talk to the police and let them see how he really was. All these things helped get him into the 'system' so that his actions were on public record so that if/when things got worse he was already known as having issues because before that he would charm and lie and manipulate everyone making us the evil parents.

So maybe take a deep breath and let her deal with the full consequences of her actions? Let her fail? Let her reach rock bottom and then be there to be part of the solution.

Best wishes