she is pregnant again

[mggt]

Well its been a while my d is pregnant again already has a 3 year old moved 4 hours away with newboyfriend.  I lost is last night with her said some pretty bad things to her about how she can hardly take care of the child she has and why would she have another .  It is just the constant same bullsh    different day but the same she calls and complains about everything lost her job again .  When she is talking to me on phone she is usually yelling at her daughter . It infuriates me to no end when she does this with her daughter and i just snapped again so sick of this . She will tell me certain things about newboyfriend and when i comment on it she gets upset I try to explain to her she cant expect me to have no comment when she shares certain things about how miserable she is .  I know i handled it badly but this disease is driving me insane 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

HI mggt.

What a mess, huh? I understand how you feel about your DD yelling at your gd. It makes you wonder if the child is getting the proper nurturing and care, but to say that to your dd would be an insult, and instant fighting words. I get it, I have been there with my own dd and gs. I suggest when you hear her hollering at the child, you calmly and respectfully ask a question about her, like how is she doing, or what has she been up to lately, etc. something to draw attention to the topic of the child, so your dd focuses on answering you, but is also now aware that she is screaming at her daughter. It always worked like a charm for me.

When she is sharing details about how unhappy her bf is making her and why, try being unbiased. Ask her open ended questions about the situation, so she has to think and evaluate her situation. leave your response to a non-committal I see, or I understand type thing. Do not share your opinion, that will only make it worse. 

As for the new pregnancy, well, there really isn't much you can do about it now, so I say offer as much emotional support as you can, and just accept what you can't change.

Bpd is brutal, that's for sure, and we as mothers, seem to get the bad end of it. I have sworn to never give up on my own dd, because I know the loving the little girl that I raised is still in there somewhere, and sometimes, I see glimpses her, so I just keep trying.

Hang there friend. I will be thinking of you.

[mggt]

thank you tress, I just cant do this anymore literally sick to my stomach its the constant drama anger and sadness that is taking a toll on me .  We have such a bad history that when she says certain things to me i just snap this is the fourth new family and 5th pregnancy she only has 1 child though.  She just keeps on making the exact same mistakes over again and then she berates me .  Then when it all goes south she wants to come home and tourtue me some more.  I cant have any hope that this time it will be different because it never is no one can be with her for a long period of time because of her illness I am her mom  and i cant be around her because i never get a reprieve its the same thing constant heartache i cant be around her i am so upset because nothing changes and it never will I just dont know how to let her go but I have to for my own sanity if I have a relationship with her its tourture if i dont its torture .  agggghhhhhhh

[js friend]

Hi Mggt,

I would probably be feeling the same if my dd announced another pregnancy as she has 2 already and also struggles to look after them. What should be a happy announcement just brings fear.

I can see how all this will pull you down but you need to get some emotional distance from it all. I made a boundary years ago with my dd that I didnt want to hear about her r/s probs with b/f, and it still exists today even though they have now both moved on.They were just too many probs and I didnt want to be in the loop anymore .I was giving way too much time and energy to it. Just when i thought we had talked it through and it was resolved there would be something else. The calls were night and day and the crisis's were endless.She has found various family member and friends to offload on and but all become overwhelmed too.

Going LC with your dd may help for the sake of your gc.  Your r/s is what is and may always be that way and it is something you have to come to terms with. I dont compare my r/s with dd to that of other normal r/s between mothers and their d anymore or even family members who are the same age and doing constructive things with their lives because it would be an unfair comparision as my dd is mentally ill.

For my own sanity I made the boundary and it has helped me when it came to finally letting go and allowing dd to live her life and for me to live mine. Needless to say dd has interpreted me not wanting to hear about her r/s problems as this to mean that I dont want to hear about anything in her life but I can live it if it means I get to keep my sanity.

[mggt]

Thank you jsfriend, Does your dd live with you or nearby and how much time do you spent with your gc? MY dd moved four hours away so we see her once a month here at our home for 4 to 5 days .  When she is here all she does is complain and moan and yell at her daughter as a result our gd is now speaking very rudely to her and us I tried and explain to my d if all our gd hears is yelling that is how she will respond to people .  Our d then starts yelling at me saying she doesnt yell wow .  Then our gd will yell at me Its just a vicious circle I told her last night i didint want to see her or my gd because I have had enough my d has berated me for years and I cant have my little gd doing it to me too I literally start shaking when i know she is coming for a visit and especially when she yells .  Of course now I feel so guilty always guilty because I chose to speak up .  Now the bf is texting me saying I am poison and a few other choice words . Its just the same thing she will tell anyone who will listen we are terrible parents including the new family this is the fourth or fifth . GROUNDHOG DAY AGAIN PLEASE SEND PRAYERS THANK YOU

[js friend]

Hi again mggt,


I get to see my gc every week if I am not working as we live quite close so I play a big part in their lives (atm anyway) as dd has no-one else to babysit.

Young children are so impressionable and Iam sorry that you are being treated like that. One thing I can say about my dd is that she is hot on the discipline and really reinforces gc to have good manners and behave well, which is kind of a contradiction of her own behaviour when she will fly off the handle, slams doors, ignores people speaking to her, is sarcastic and swearing and she and b/f have been violent infront of them. Oldest gc has started pickup on and  comment on dd slamming doors now and notices her change moods and will stay out of her way if she thinks dd is going to be angry with her.She even said the other day  "mummys upset" Gd is 2!... .I didnt even know 2 yo know the word upset.! Yet dd never thinks how her own behaviour is affecting them  and no-one is allowed to mention it because as she would go crazy because she NEVER does anything wrong as we all know.

I think this would probably be a good time to have a break Mggt to make time for yourself and work on your boundaries if you are struggling emotionally. Let go of your expectations of your dd and Switch off your phone, block or delete without reading his texts. You have said that you need some space and healthy people who care about others would allow for this to happen without feeling the need to berate the person.There is no need to feel guilt. The more we give the more they will take and then our resources for ourselves are all used up. Sometimes when I give myself a self talk I ask myself if I had a  friend that was going through the same thing what would I say to them. Often I see things more clearly when I do this.

[mggt]

Dear jsfriend,  Thank you very much