How young is too young?

[Lady426]

My son is six.  Believe me, I know how absurd it is that I'm even here.  But clearly something is going on, and after searching and searching and searching, I finally had an *aha* moment when I ran across BPD this morning.  People tell me all the time that his behavior is normal, he's a boy, he's so young, he'll grow out of it... .but my kid is hurting and spiraling out of control and simply can't function the way other kids can.  And while I realize that most people don't get diagnosed until late teens (at the earliest), I've also read that many parents can trace the behaviors back to early childhood.  Let me (as briefly as I can) review... .

Son was a needy infant.  Not colicky in that he would never stop crying, but he needed to be held all.the.time.  As long as someone (anyone) was holding him, he was fine, but he would scream his head off.  He would stay with a babysitter during the day, and around 2.5 years old, she would start calling me in a panic.  He was hitting her, throwing things at the littler babies, biting them, screaming like someone in an absolute RAGE.  At one point, he tried to pull the paneling off her walls.  He exhibited none of this at home whatsoever.  But it got to be commonplace at the babysitter.  I thought it was a phase.  At 3 years old, he was the oldest of four kids there, and I thought having all those younger kids around was setting him off. 

So we sent him to a formal daycare.  Initially he did great, and it lasted for several months.  I thought the structure was doing him good.  But then the old behaviors started showing back up and intensifying.  They would try to redirect a minor misbehavior, and he would escalate it to an extraordinary level.  Something as small as, "Please sit down in circle so we can read the story" would wind up with him running around the classroom, throwing chairs, kicking over bookshelves.  When they would try to calm him down, he'd lash out at the teachers physically... .spitting, hitting, kicking, the gamut.  When they tried to isolate him in a bathroom until he calmed down, he would try to rip the toilet paper holder off the wall.

Still... .none of this at home.  And we run a pretty tight ship.  He has chores, he has a definite bedtime, he doesn't always get his way, he has disappointments and frustrations at home on a daily basis.  But he never, ever did anything even close to what he was doing at the babysitter or school.  But around this time, I did realize that he was pretty emotional.  Moreso than other kids his age.  The things he felt, he felt VERY deeply.  When he was happy, he was bouncing off the walls.  But when he was sad (usually over something minor, even for a kid), it was like the bottom opened up from beneath him and was swallowing him whole.  At four and five (and now), at home he was having meltdowns like you'd expect to see from a three year old. 

Things got so bad at his daycare that they told me if we didn't do something, he'd wind up a juvenile delinquent by the time he was 10.  We switched him to a new daycare (mostly because we were about to get kicked out of the old one).  He did great at the new one--total turnaround.  For a few months.  But then all this new behavior started showing up.  When he'd misbehave in some minor way, he'd slap himself hard enough to leave a mark, he'd continually punch himself in the head, he'd try to choke himself, he'd intentionally bang his head into walls, he'd tell his teacher he wanted to kill himself.  He was FOUR. 

The behavior followed him into a disastrous kindergarten year.  He went to a school with a very strict discipline policy and wound up getting suspended ten times.  In kindergarten.  Honestly, most of it was ridiculous (and I'm not one to make excuses for my child)... .things like playing tag which was prohibited, getting frustrated and dumping his bookbag out onto the floor, not coming when the teacher called.  But some of it was very concerning--hitting other kids, more choking himself and saying he wants to die and he hates himself, and once getting frustrated over another kid breaking in line and TOTALLY losing it.  I went into the classroom afterward, and it literally looked like a small tornado had been through. At this point, I've heard at least three or four teachers tell me that they were actually scared of my child... .at five years old.

Then he started positively obsessing over this other little boy in his class.  He wanted this boy to be his best friend, and the teacher called me and said my son was basically stalking him around the room.  And refusing to let other kids play with the little boy.  When other kids would try to play with the little boy, my son would physically come between them.  He started up with the same type of behavior with another little boy during the summer.

We tried (and have continued to try) everything--I've talked to him until I'm blue in the face, I've rewarded good days, I've punished for bad days, I've ignored bad days, I've tried collaborative parenting, I've talked up his strengths, I've tried to give him alternate coping methods, I've tried meditation, counting, visualization. I've tried to understand the root of what was causing his frustration and getting him to understand it's a passing issue. When I've not known what else to do, I've tried spanking. Nothing, nothing, nothing works.  He's been in counseling for months... .kind of play/talk therapy, but it does no good. Immediately after he calms down, he can tell you exactly what he did wrong, which rule he broke, how it made other people feel, what he should have done differently, and what he's going to try to do next time. It's not that the knowledge isn't there; he knows. But when it comes time to implement it, it flies out the window. I've always said that he's a perfect child... .until his emotions get involved (which is often), and then everything falls to pieces.  For all that we've tried, what we're left with now is a six year old little boy who is anxious, will readily tell you that he's a bad kid and he hates himself, and says that all he wants for Christmas is "a magic potion that will make me be a good kid."

I ran across a checklist this morning, and it was like lightening struck me.  Lightening that made me immediately nauseous.   :'( 

--Hard time experiencing pleasure--He used to not be this way, but lately, it's almost like he punishes himself if he catches himself having fun.  Even if he starts smiling, he'll bite his lip and put his head down.   Last year when he was playing soccer, he was SO excited, had been talking about his first game all day, and he gets out on the field and starts to play, huge smile on his face, and 15 seconds in, he catches my eye, I give him a thumbs up.  He immediately bursts into tears and runs off the field.  He's sobbing so uncontrollably I can barely understand him.  Then finally he's able to choke out, "I (sob) CAN'T (sob) STOP (sob) SMILING!  I DON'T WANT EVERYONE TO SEE ME SMILING!"  It took a solid 15 minutes to calm him down.

--Difficulty separating to go to school or other activities--This is one thing he actually hasn't ever struggled with, but then he's stayed with babysitters and family/friends overnight since he was an infant.  On the few occasions where he has felt abandoned (me putting him to bed and going downstairs and refusing to stay with him until he falls asleep), he has gone into full-on panic attack mode.  Crazy, rabid, I thought he was going to pull the door off the hinges freaking out.

--Intense fear of rejection and abandonment--He's recently started talking about everyone at school and daycare "hating" him and thinking he's mean.  But whenever I've see him (even when kids didn't know I was watching), he seems to be very popular and kids are always calling him to play with them.

--Less restful sleep patterns--Terrible, TERRIBLE sleeper from infancy to now.  It's only within the past six months that he's started sleeping through the night.  From the time he was born until six years old, he would take over an hour to fall asleep and then wake up multiple times a night.  He's just recently started sleeping through the night, but even so, it's a fitful sleep.

--Harder to soothe--Calming him down from anything takes an absurd amount of time... .mostly because he's SO upset.  Something that would cause a normal kid to react at a Level 2, sends him straight to Level 10.

--Difficulties with changes in routine--He actually does okay-ish with this.  He does prefer to know what's going to happen and in what order, but this seems like a personality quirk more than an issue to resolve.

--Demanding nature--I don't know exactly how to qualify this, but yes.  He's exhausting. 

--Episodes of extreme sadness--This has been coming to the forefront more and more over the past year.  Even though he's been saying he wants to kill himself for two years now, most of the time he was a happy kid.  Now he just seems more... .melancholy with occasional peaks of sunshine coming through.

--Sensitive to criticism--NUMBER ONE TRIGGER.  If anyone tells him he's doing something wrong, he goes from 0 to 60 in a hot minute.  It's so tempting to just ignore things he messes up because he's either going to totally meltdown (at home) or go into a rage (at school) if you point out that he's done something less than perfect. 

--Easily frustrated--Yes again.  And when frustrated, flies off the handle.

--Problems eating--No to this actually.  He's picky, but no more so than any other kid.

--Severe temper tantrums--See everything above!

--Unstable moods and intense emotions--Yes.  And it can change SO quickly.  It's like bipolar on speed dial.  Just yesterday, he went from being sour as rotten grapes when getting out of the bed, to ridiculously silly when eating breakfast, to frustrated and sobbing when being rushed to get out the door, to happy and talkative on the way to school, to so disruptive two hours into class that I had to go to school to talk to him.

--Poor impulse control--The only time I've seen this come into play is when he's frustrated.  Then all ability to reason and control himself goes right out the window.

--Impaired reasoning and thinking--Again, only when he's frustrated.

--Trouble learning--This, not at all, other than when his behavior gets in the way of his being able to actually be at school.  He just went through a battery of tests this other day at his counselors suggestion (emotional/intellectual/behavior), and we get the results back in a week, but the assessor preliminary indicated that he's "brilliant" and we may need to move him up a grade.

--Unstable self-image--I'm not sure what six year old truly knows who he is, but he definitely fluctuates between "I'm bad and nobody likes me" and "I am helpful and kind and smart."  His self-image seems to totally depend on his mood.

--Self-harming behavior--See above about slapping and choking himself.  I am absolutely terrified about what this looks like ten years down the road.

--Loves you one day and pushes you away the next--This has started exhibiting itself in the past few months too, but really only toward me (so far).  One minute, he's all in my lap, just the most loving, sweetest child you could hope for.  Hours later or the following day, he's all "I don't want you to hug me.  I don't like to be around you sometimes.  Sometimes I do, but other times I don't like you."

--Prone to fits and bouts of anger and aggression--Yeah, see pretty much all of the above.

Sorry for the book.  I'm overwhelmed and this is six years in the making.  What do you all think?  Three years and 10+ teachers having the same issues seems to be more than a phase.  I know no one is going to diagnose him at six, but what do you think?  I'm so tired of people telling me it's normal, all kids engage in some of these behaviors, and he "seems fine when I've been around him."  Nothing about this seems normal to me.  :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[meantcorn34]

Hi Lady426,

It wasn't that long ago that my son was being kicked out of day care, so I get what you're saying. Remember this - you know your child better than anyone. You know there's a problem. That's what matters. You have to keep searching for the right kind of help for your son, and don't take no for an answer.

The tests done by the school may give you some answers, or at least more specific questions. With my son, a developmental pediatrician eval combined with psychological eval was very helpful.

Take a deep breath and make sure you practice good self care. It's a marathon. Hang in there.

[RockLady]

I would strongly suggest to have him evaluated by a child psychiatrist. Your school or pediatrician would be a good place to get referrals. You might want to consult with more than one to see if they both have similar ideas.  He may need to have a smaller class size, I  school support,etc.  Intervention now can prevent a lot of grief later.  

I would not attempt to equate his behaviors with BPD.  At his age the diagnosis is not as important as getting his behavior under control especially if teachers are saying they are afraid.

Good luck with your search. And don't give up! His future depends on you!

RockLady

[Turkish]

Lady426,


I know its a tough and delicate subject to discuss, but is there a possibility he may have been abused by someone close to him of which you may be unaware?

Turkish

[AVR1962]

My daughter was diagnosed when she was 18. I noticed a change in her behavior when she was 6. This is when her father left. She acted out in school to the point that teachers were contacting me and suggested counseling which I agreed to. Everything was my fault and I could not help her with anything. She would tell me that I didn't know what I was doing when I tried to help her with her math. She turned her missing father into a fantasy character of someone that was not even real, untouchable, almost like a person does when a loved-one dies. She magneted to boys and I felt it was because she was wanting the male attention she was lacking from her father. She had to have all the attention and would act out to get it. She did not want to clean her room and would blame messes on her little sister and get her to clean up for her. She started sneaking and hiding food. Basically anything she didn't want to do she was not going to do and there was nothing I was going to do to make her. Teen years were a nightmare of boys, lies, manipulation, sexual activity. She is now 34 and treats me and everyone else the way she did when she was 6. She uses people for her gain and when she is done using them they are nothing to her. She does not apologize, she shows no remorse for her actions. Her husband is her caretaker and her children are her pawns. She does not cook or clean, does not even do the laundry. Her house is the responsibility of her children and her husband. She sits and texts old boyfriends. She has not ever had a job that lasted more than 6 months. She lives like she is destitute yet her husband makes very good money. It is sad and unfortunate to see. Many family members, me included, have tried to help out to ease the burden of her husband and children if nothing else but nothing ever changes.

[enlighten me]

Childrens behaviour is a terrifying subject. As other posters have said getting a proper evaluation will be the best thing to do. There was a brilliant program in the uk called born naughty. It focused on children with behavioural problems. A psychiatrist and a team of specialists looked at two children per episode. The problems diagnosed went from autistic spectrum to pets waking the children in the night. A lot of the things in the program were easily resolved and the behaviour improved dramatically. One thing that stood out was there was a high number of people diagnosed as BPD who were actually on the autistic spectrum.

I recomend any parent with concerns about their child to watch this program. It gave me some great insights and has answered a question about one of my sons sleeping problem. Turns out he needed white noise to help him sleep so i bought him a fan and now he sleeps like a log.

[lbjnltx]

I would be interested to learn the results of the tests.

What instruction are you getting from his therapists about parenting him?  Anything specific on how to adjust his environment to be more beneficial, diet, discipline?

Does your son have sensory sensitivity issues?

My daughter was dx at 11 with ODD and emerging BPD, MDD, and anxiety at age 12.  She was a strong willed child and when her emotions began to over rule reality I had to learn to affectively parent her according to her needs.  What happened at home (home being their primary environment) and her interaction with me as a parent (parent being the primary role model and teacher) had the most influence on her until she became a teen and her peers became the most influential in her life... .as is normal.

It's good that you are listening to your instincts and seeking help for him early, please take care of you so that you can be healthy and a source of support for him through this.

lbj