BPD in my family

[Gosiak]

Hello Everyone:

My husband and I very recently came to disturbing realization, that our 30 year old daughter might have BPD... .She has always been very individual and a little "different", but we have never even thought for a moment that some of it could be due to BPD symptoms not the very high IQ. She has not been diagnosed and she herself probably does not know, she has a problem. It is so hard to live with the thought, that your child is suffering and you cannot do much. We are trying to learn as much as we possibly can about BPD and we are looking for some support for ourselves.

Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Gosiak,

Welcome to the Parenting Board and bpdfamily.com 

This is a complex disorder and can manifest in as many ways as there are individuals.

What behaviors or belief systems does your d30 engage in that cause you to believe she is suffering from BPD?  What behaviors trouble you the most in dealing with them?

I look forward to learning more about you and your family so that I can be a source of support to you.

lbjnltx

[Gosiak]

We are on the tip toes when talking to her. You never know, what will make her very angry. She is very highly educated, but cannot keep a steady employment. She is changing from one minute to the other. She has always been very sensitive to her environment and relationships, absorbing a lot from that, like a cameleon. She is pushing us away from her life and 12 months ago, her husband and she moved 5000 km away from us. She sporadically contacts us, usually when there is something wrong happening in her life. Recently, we have been contacting a psychologist, who suggested, she may have BPD? Thank you very much for offering us support. It is unbearable for us to live constantly thinking about her and not being able to help.

[lbjnltx]

Thanks for getting back Gosiak.

How would you like to help your daughter?  Are you often at a loss as to how to respond to her when she calls with negative news?  We have effective communication skills in our lessons to help improve the relationship and at the same time can also help our kids soothe and create space for reasoning thoughts alongside their emotional thoughts.

Does this sound like what you need right now? 

If so here is a link to get you started:  Validate the Valid

Validation is a very powerful and soothing communication skill that will let your daughter know she has been heard and understood.  Sometimes this will provide the opportunity for her to soothe her heightened emotions and begin to see things from a more balanced perspective... .or not.  Either way it is a great skill to practice with others and especially those we love.

lbj

[Gosiak]

Hello LBJ:

We are not always at loss. Over the years, we have learned that our reaction to her problems is the key. However, it depends on the importance of the problem. Since, now we know, she may possibly have BPD, we will be on extra alertness how to react and what to say. The only thing, which we are not okay with, is the fact, that we are almost certain she has a problem and she does not know it herself?. Our communication is very calculated and and it seems at times,  it is not real, it is sort of staged. Thank you for directing us to the lessons. We will try our best to be digilent students.

Gosiak

[lbjnltx]

Using validation, SET, and DEARMAN (found in the tools and Lessons to the right of this page) work well when practiced authentically Gosiak.  It's been my experience with my daughter that any disingenuous response to her is picked up on quickly.  She is highly intuitive.

When in doubt about how to respond I find it most beneficial to simply state "I will need to give this some thought and talk with you about it again at a latter time", this beats saying the wrong thing or the right thing in the wrong way.

[Gosiak]

Thank you so much for the great tips. We are in the middle of watching the video and learning as much as we can. We do not want to repeat our mistakes. We love the forum. There are so many valuable tools to learn. It is awesome! Amazing support .