Advice - bills?

[LostGhost]

Hi everyone,

Was hoping to lean on you all for some further advice. It's been... .6 days no contact now since our relationship "officially" ended. We lived together and shared a house, where I would help out with the bills 50/50. I am not on the mortgage, not entitled or responsible to pay anything (thankfully). She cannot afford this place on her own, something I think she discovered after she bought it and is probably part of the reason she brought me back into her life to help with the mounting bills.

The next payment is coming up and I have the option of either transferring some $ to help her out or not. I know it's a huge source of stress in her life. I don't want to push her over the edge by not helping. And yet, it's not my responsibility any longer. She's likely found a replacement and a part of me wants to feel justified and say to myself, no, let the replacement take care of it. If she doesn't have anyone to help, let her implode and feel something for once. Let her realize slowly over time exactly what I helped to bring to the table.

I suspect I am painted black at the moment. I would like to eventually be painted white. I guess I'm admitting I would like to try again with her. So given that, what is my best course of action? Remain NC, do not transfer the $ and keep going on in life. Or remain NC, transfer the $ and keep going on in life?

Thanks for your suggestions/input as always... .

[rotiroti]

It's ultimately up to you.

I did notice that you mentioned your desire to be recycled and I could see how this could be used as ammunition against you down the road.

And if you are painted black, I could see how helping out could portray you as being overbearing.

I guess my point is this - it really is a lose/lose situation. How about thinking about what you would do if your partner was not BPD. Say you broke up with someone you shared a house with, what would your conscience tell you to do?

edit: oh i see that you moved out. I personally would not help if you are not living there anymore.

[OnceConfused]

To me, the r/s is over and so is the sharing of the bill.

If you still live in her house then i think you are obligated to pay whatever your share is. But if you have moved out then her problem is no longer yours. she is an adult so she must know what to do

[LostGhost]

Yeah I moved out, she asked me to go. So I'm definitely not obligated. But at the same time in the last week I spent with her I remember her complaining about the finances. We were already taking a break but I told her I'd keep helping her while we figure things out. She told me what a relief that was and thanked me profusely, said she didn't know what she'd do without me.

But now things are officially over, so I don't know if I should still help out like I said I would. I don't want her to suffer or go through any unneeded stress. But I also don't want to be used if she has in fact replaced me with somebody else.

Yes I admit I would like her back, so I don't know what the best thing to do is. I want my chances to be good that she paints me as white or sees me as worthwhile. I guess I should just remain NC, don't transfer any money into her account and see what happens?

Thanks for all your advice by the way

[Panda39]

The house is her's and her responsibility when you lived there you paid your share because you shared the house.  Now you don't live there and the relationship is over.  You are not responsible for her bills any longer.  Keep your money and do something nice for yourself 

[frayedseamstress]

I don't think you should feel obligated to help her with the bills now that the relationship has officially ended. I'm sure if there's any chance of you being painted white again, there's already another instance where you've gone out of your way for her, as you've considered doing now, that she can/will draw upon. If you're already painted black, she really won't paint you more black for discontinuing bill payments that aren't your obligation to pay. And if she does have a replacement already, you really don't deserve to find out later that you contributed to his bills by helping her out. That really wouldn't be fair to you.

[LostGhost]

You're right... .I feel kind of crazy for even thinking of paying. If she's replaced me... .that's his job now. And if she's replaced me, there's no way I'm going to contribute to their relationship success. I think I'll hold onto my money and see how it all unfolds or if she even notices,

You're right, there's plenty of things she can draw on to paint me white again, she's just choosing to ignore them.

It's completely random when they paint us white again right? Nothing helps, other than them painting their new supply black?

[enlighten me]

 if you want her to recycle you dont pay her. Be aware though that her recycle will only because of your money and not you.

If she has replaced you her finances are his problem. I made the mistake of paying for my exs after we split. They used that money to snare my replacements and then tried to guilt me by saying i left them destitute.

[LostGhost]

Thanks enlighten me. Sorry to hear you were in a similar situation but thank you for your help

I am 50/50 between wanting to recycle and wanting to just get on with life. She wasn't one of the raging or violent types. Quiet waif type, but it doesn't really matter. She still hurt me.

I suppose if I don't pay, then it shows that I'm out of her life and no longer willing to contribute to her lifestyle. She was already pushed to the limits financially and absolutely needed that money. I don't want to push her over the edge, I still care about (love) her but at the same time I do want her to realize what not having me around looks like in the long run emotionally, physically and financially. I cooked for her, cleaned the house for her, did a lot of her errands for her, pets, groceries, you name it. Maybe not having me around, it will start to sink in what I brought to the relationship? From what I read though they could care less and don't even really notice, especially if they're distracted by a replacement?

[enlighten me]

My ex wife was also a waif type. I also did everything for her even spending three years caring for her as she supposedly had ME. I too didnt want to see her hurt and let her have everything in the house and continued to pay all the bills for six months. I stopped when I found out about my replacement and thats when she took me to the cleaners through divorce.

Im not telling you this because im bitter. Im telling you that I learnt the hard way and dont want to see you go through what i did.

Its not that we meant nothing to them. Its that when we no longer provide their supply then their survival mode kicks in. They devalue us and there is no coming back from that. Even if you recycle you are tainted goods that they are waiting to be let down by. The sad thing is you dont even have had to have done anything wrong. Just failed to live up to their expectations.

Its a painful journey ahead but one day you will wake up and no longer care for them. It starts slowly but things do get better.

[LostGhost]

My ex wife was also a waif type. I also did everything for her even spending three years caring for her as she supposedly had ME. I too didnt want to see her hurt and let her have everything in the house and continued to pay all the bills for six months. I stopped when I found out about my replacement and thats when she took me to the cleaners through divorce.

Im not telling you this because im bitter. Im telling you that I learnt the hard way and dont want to see you go through what i did.

Its not that we meant nothing to them. Its that when we no longer provide their supply then their survival mode kicks in. They devalue us and there is no coming back from that. Even if you recycle you are tainted goods that they are waiting to be let down by. The sad thing is you dont even have had to have done anything wrong. Just failed to live up to their expectations.

Its a painful journey ahead but one day you will wake up and no longer care for them. It starts slowly but things do get better.

Thanks for your words and advice. What a painful ordeal we've all had to endure. I will take the advice given by everyone and not transfer any money since there's no point. I'll let you know what, if anything, happens. I'm doubting I'll hear anything. If I sent the money I'd probably get a "thanks" and if I don't, well you can't paint somebody black who's already there anyways.