Daughter with BPD

[defeatedmum]

Hi

I'm new. 

First post but I need advice.

My daughter has always been "difficult" but we always read the situ and prepared for potential difficult situs and pre-empted it by talking to her in preparation.  We all always managed.

Then she married a very controlling man and she became very ill.

My daughter was diagnosed a year into her marriage, with BPD.

She was hospitalised on two occasions to keep her safe

She now has a beautiful little girl but her husband has left.  This was initially welcomed by everyone as husband was causing her so much trouble and she was so unwell and under a mental health team and prescribed many meds.

So now husband is gone.  Daughter has almost immediately gone into another relationship - not unexpected as she is needy. This new guy has been staying at her house within a week of husband leaving.  The baby has the new partner in her daily life.  We said if he makes it easier for our daughter to cope with her marriage break up, then fine.  We said maybe keep the baby's involvement to a minimum - my daughter doesn't know much about her new partner.

She wasn't happy at the inference that  it might not be a good idea for her new partner to be immediately involved with the baby.

Daughter isn't talking to us, blocked our internet contact and doesn't want anything to do with us.  We've been here before, several times.

i am starting to feel it might be time to admit defeat.  Been feeling it for a while now.

We have fought to help her stay afloat since she was a little girl but we are getting older now and all this is taking a toll.  We could do it if she needed us but she doesn't want, what she sees, as our interference.

I have been through so much with her and am tired of it all, tired of her rages at us, tired of her saying she's sorry for her to go and to do it all again - each time worse than before.

I'm ready to turn away yet I know it may literally be the death of her.

Can't do it anymore.  My poor husband is a shadow of the proud man he was.

Is it wrong to walk away to save ourselves?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello defeatedmum! and welcome to the Parenting Board, we are glad that you decided to join and tell us about your concerns for your family.

I'm sorry to learn that your daughter has cut off communication with you and that you are suffering from the rollercoaster ride of her emotional life.  It's really hard on the parents of these adults because we are so powerless to affect positive change as we see it needed.

Taking a step back and reassessing where you have the power to help and how much you are able to do may be what you need at this time.  During this "time out" that she has put you in may be a good time to learn how to emotionally let go of what you cannot control, learn coping skills to manage your feelings and fears, learn more about her disorder, and practice some communication skills to help everyone in your family.

Self care has to be #1 as sacrificing ourselves doesn't help our kids/adult kids with BPD.

What do you think?

lbj

[js friend]

Hi defeatedmum,

Iam in Lc with my dd20 and have stuck around for the sake of my 2gc who Iam fortunate enough to see on a regular basis(at the present moment).

I have been cut out of their lives on a few occasions

( each time very briefly) since their births because dd was upset with me so I know how much this hurts... .

The Gc's daddy has also left dd and will not be returning, and she hasnt found a replacement yet that will stay, so I can understand the worry you have knowing that your dd has a virtual stranger staying there with your gc and I send you   

Dont feel that you are wrong for wanting to take care of yourselves. After years of trying with my own dd and experiencing the rages, disrespect, lies and manipulation, I finally came out of the FOG (FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT) and after my grieving was done went to the ACCEPTANCE stage a few years ago.

For self preservance I knew that I had to letgo because I needed to;

A)  Have some peace in my life and

B)  Save my own sanity!. 

The emotional burnout with our children with BPD will go on forever if we dont do something about it.For years I was always trying to sort things out... .and my health was really being to suffer as I was taking everything she said and did on board. Meanwhile she on the otherhand was just out there living it up with no regard for the hurt she had caused. The more drama the better she seemed to cause the better it seemed. I think the FOG well and truly lifted for me when her her friend told  me that dd had said that that she found "being good boring" I think hearing that was the catalyst for me to begin to withdraw and the remaining guilt I had for not trying to protect dd  anymore was well and truly gone after hearing that statement.

Letting go has allowed me to live my life and for dd to live hers without me enabling her or trying to guide her to lead the life I would like her to lead. I simply dont give advice or make suggestions anymore. It is more difficult to see them making these mistakes when our gc are involved and I totally understand. My heart breaks for my own Gc and the life childhood they have instore for them but from my experience I know that any suggestions I make to my dd are always seen as criticism, even though I think deep down she knows that I was right. These days I wait for her to come to me for advice which is very rarely. Even her SW is finding difficult understanding why dd doesnt take things onboard especially when it concerns the gc!

As lbjnltx has suggested taking advantage of this breathing space from your dd will allow you time to learn/ brush up on the skills that will  be needed when she gets back in touch with you. They have helped me tremendously when it comes to communicating with my own dd, and although communicating with her is still limited I find that I now am able to avoid the circular arguments, I dont get sucked into the drama, I validate her more. and respond with S.E.T which has lessened the rages that used to come my way.

[js friend]

I also wanted to mention how it is important for you and your DH to look after yourselves Defeatedmum.

The pain from not seeing your Gc will be there but you will go on. Have a rest and do things for yourselves and each other, You have got through this last phase so see this as something new... .a new chapter. You know the saying... ."before the storm there is a calm" well for me I just want it to be calm,calm, calm so Iam putting myself and GC first.DD is no longer the captain of my ship!

If you are going Lc  with your dd drop her  the odd text occasionally just saying something like "Hi dd hope you and gc are well".

Keep it simple. No questions with an expectation of a reply or give too much info about what is happening in your life. That way If she replies great... .but dont wait for it.  

You dont say how old your dd is but I know from my experience that dealing with  a pwBPD longterm can age us overnight. My dd is only 2o yo but I feel ancient like I have lived 3 lives already!

All the best,

jsf.