Finally Left... feeling guilty but also relieved. Still worry about my decision

[gt22]

I dated my ex-GF for 9 months. The first 2 months(ish) of the relationship were good, but then all of a sudden she turned extremely upset at me for what seemed like nothing at all -- all in the span of one week when we went on vacation (I didn't talk about my family enough, we didn't share enough things, she got really upset when I brought up any "bad" things I did in high school; even smoking hookah, I couldn't pick a restaurant, etc etc... ). After that horrible trip, we broke up. I thought it was just because we were too different and she didn't like who I was (not family oriented enough, not a "goody-goody". At the time, I wrote this to a friend:

"I mean I enjoyed the parts of the trip we weren't fighting. It just wouldn't have worked out, she's way more emotional and family oriented." "Like she said she doesn't feel emotionally connected to my family because I don't talk about them enough, and when I do, it's negative, Which is valid I guess, but like it's been less than two months"

A week later, she called me and asked me to come over. She said that she had a long talk with her therapist back home (remember this part) and she came to the realization that this was all a reaction that she had where something triggered her and it was all because of her previous boyfriend who was abusive, and that things would be better now and that she wasn't actually mad at me about all that, it was just her putting up walls. At the time, I wrote this to my friend:

"she told me how she talked to people and realized what she was doing and that she was totlaly out of sorts." "shes gone through some ___, which i understand, and that means she comes with baggage and that if I cared about her I coudl work through it with her"

"shes been hurt in the past

and like, that was a defense mechanism

and she used it to great effect on me

but it wasnt like a one night thing

it was a week

of a 7 week relationship

she was crying to me about how she's worried that she's just going to ruin every future relationship like this

and that she ruined this one"

We ended up getting back together. I don't know how, because it happened very slowly but I got more and more and more ___ about *everything*. I knew we fought all the time, but most of the time I couldn't even remember what about, because they all blended together. I looked back at my texts (much of the above and the rest is because I needed to see what things were like in the early-goings) and saw this exchange, only 2 weeks after we got back together (early february):

8:00am Me:   Morning. Have you been up for 3 hours?

Her:   Haha 3 hours 20 minutes

Me:   Wow

Me:   I'm in bed still

Her:   Haha the wind sounds awful outside

Her:   I wish I could get in bed and snuggle with you

Me:   Me too

Her:   ...

Her:   Hey don't forget about what we talked about

Me:   Which?

Her:   The communication and Love languages stuff

Me:   I'm not sure what you want me to say? Or what it is I'm forgetting?

Her:   Just communicate tell me more than me too, when we are together everything is fine and when we are apart I have no idea how you feel because we don't communicate and when I try to say something sweet I get nothing in response. I loved how you acted on Saturday I felt wanted.

Her:   I know you don't like texting but snap chat isn't communication

Me:   That's why I texted you literally the moment I woke up... . And "me too" is exactly what I was thinking, reading your text when I was in bed

Her:   Ok sorry I guess me too just didn't sound actually interested and not sweet idk

Me:   I guess it's hard to convey over text. In my head it sounded more like me too

Her:   Ok and I get that but a text is all I get so sometimes more words then can help convey what you actually mean

Her:   Id still rather not get as many texts if I get meaningful and sweet texts. Things that would make me feel good.

Her:   Words are #1 for me

Me:   Ok, I will.

I should have realized something at the time... .I should have known. But I didn't. I kept going. We fought all the time, like 2-3 times a week at least, over the *tiniest* things. For example, Her asking me to ask a friend what they're up to on a specific date in 2 months, I said "they probably don't know but I'll ask". Huge fight because I was dismissing her and "shutting her down instantly". These fights hardly lasted long (usually a day at most), and she quickly got over whatever it was after lots of apologizing by me.

After a few months of this (by May), I was really really really starting to feel down about myself. These are excerpts from an email I sent her when she was extremely upset at me because I had 2 extra tickets to a basketball game (not tickets with me, but two separate tickets on the other side of the arena) and I called a friend who is a big fan and offered him the tickets. When I called later (happily) and told her about the "funny" story and how I ended up with these extra tickets, she was clearly upset I didn't call her first. I responded that oh, I didn't think she'd want to go, as these seats weren't with me or anything, just two random seats. That made her furious, that I had "assumed" that she wouldn't want them or used that as an excuse for forgetting to call her first.

In my head, I was being honest. I was only telling her *why* I would have forgotten her, that the "reason" makes it any better. What's the issue with that. It was only after she told me that I understood. That I realized how much of a hurtful ass I was. That by making those excuses, those justifications, I was only making myself feel better about forgetting to think of her first and that the things I was saying were such that if I was honestly making that choice at the time (not to call her), I'd be making a choice for her without even considering her viewpoint or input.

Making those excuses made everything worse. I am an ass for even thinking that. It shifted blame not just to her but to my imagined perception of her as someone who wouldn't want to go to the game. When I knew from the beginning she would have. It makes her feel smaller, insignificant. The worst kinds of things to feel from your Boyfriend. Really I do not think of her as smaller or insignificant or unequal in any way, consciously. I love her and want to only treat her the best. I think she's an amazing, capable, smart woman who deserves only the best, and want to never hurt her. But then I make these kinds of decisions, including the decision internally and subconsciously to justify it to myself, and what does that say about me. it says some pretty terrible stuff about me. Stuff that I don't believe about myself, stuff that isn't who I want me to be.

This isn't the first time. It's awful and it's the kind of stuff that I hate about myself. It's the kind of thing that is the worst in me. It's the kind of thing that could ruin our relationship. It has to change. It has to.

I love her. I love her so much. Consciously, I don't want to hurt her. Consciously, I only want to do what is right by her and she is my number one over everything. When I am consciously making decisions, I always want to pick the decision that is best for her, that involves what she wants over my wants.

Subconsciously, I keep messing up. I keep doing this. I want to stop messing up. I *NEED* to stop messing up. I already feel like I've lost her. I already feel like I've lost the girl who I love more than anything, who I care about so much. I hope that we can come back. I want this to work more than anything. Just as much, I don't want to be the ass I was today. I want to be the guy I am in my head... .who is only trying to do the right thing, the best thing for everybody. The guy who cares about her more than anything and wants to only be the best boyfriend possible. I have to stop this. I have to stop acting like an idiot. I have to stop treating her awful. I have to be better. I have to recognize these things *before* I hurt her. I never want to hurt her. Ever. Not ever.

I wrote this to myself so I wouldn't forget how I'm feeling right now. So that I could look at it and remember what is going through my head, because I know myself and I know that I forget things, especially emotions and what's in my head. I read it, and realized I wanted to send it to you.

It's not an apology, though I do apologize, profusely. This was awful and I wish I could have realized it sooner and not hurt you. I'm so sorry... .and I wish I could figure out not just how to make it up to you, but to never do anything like it again. You asked me why it keeps happening and I said I don't know. I really don't. I wish I did because I would strip out whatever part of me does this in a heartbeat. I never want to hurt you and I want to only make you happy and make you smile. To be good to you. I'm sorry. I acted like an ass.

Her response:

I appreciate you writing this for me but I have to say not once in here did you really talk about what you made up in your head as an excuse or why that would hurt me. It's what you said to me that makes me feel like you don't know me and what I like or what I appreciate or trust that I'm not just a puppy that follows you around and I don't just do stuff I don't care about because of you which is also exactly what you asked for... .So I don't get it. I tell you I enjoy this and don't do it just for you and yet you still think I would only want to go with you. I just want trust and respect and your words were mean. I don't care if you chose to call me first. You don't have to its your choice. Yeah I'm sad I didn't get to go but I'm hurt that you would assume all of these wrong things about me... And also makes me feel like you don't get me

In private, I said this to a friend:

She says the issue is entirely on me

that I treat her like shes some bug to step on and that I make decisions for her

(which I don't feel like I do)

she says I dont respect her

I feel like I do, but I'll admit i've made mistakes where like I'll assume she won't like something

shes saying its a constant pattern

and I'm saying that any of this stuff, I'm not meaning

I'm not meaning to talk down to her ever, I don't want her to feel liek crap


I try

but shes like we've been talking about that for months and I havent gotten better

where I feel like Iv'e gotten better at each thing we've talked about

but its like theres constantly stuff

ugh

idk

it shouldnt be this hard

its hard because shes like: How are you gonna fix it

and I'm like... .Idk I don't even notice I'm doing it

I'm not *trying* to not treat you with respect

at this point she gets mad when she hears me say I'm not trying to do xyz

but really, I'm not

She just texted me this: "I just can't take any more pressure and responsibility. I feel like I'm the one who has to hold us up and keep us together and make you happy and I can't if you just point fingers at me"

At some level she needs to be more accepting of me as a differnet type of person than her, that I'm not intending to disrespect or belittle her and that the trust issues are in part because I feel like I'm walking on eggshells sometimes

That quote there... .way back in May I knew I was "walking on eggshells". We just broke up. In mid-august. The 3 months in between were hell. She would get mad at me for EVERYTHING. Everything I did, everything that happened, was my fault. And I believed it. Everything I did was because I didn't respect her.

In June, I wrote this (as part of a larger note to self about a fight we had... .):

Maybe I'm the one causing all the problems. Every single fight is about me either doing or not doing something. Saying or not saying something. Every single one. Either I'm this absolutely horrible person, or you take every single possible slight and turn it into a huge thing. But it's one of those two. And when we aren't fighting and it's just a regular day where we're having fun and we're just a happy couple, you never think I'm this horrible person, we talk about the future and make plans ahead (talking about getting married, etc). But then something snaps, like 3-4 days a week and we're fighting again because I did this or that. Always that I did. I'm trying so hard and trying so hard to be this great boyfriend for you and you see it and I know that you see it. You see that like 99% of the time everything is awesome and then you take this 1% where there is even the slightest hint of a possibility that I'm "shutting you down" and seize it and immediately think of it as this huge thing where I'm being this selfish ass and this and that. And that isn't even at all my intention. I just asked if you were done. If you weren't, I would have been totally fine with that and read whatever the caption was going to be when you found it and then we would have watched the movie. Totally normal thing. That was turned, again, into this huge fight. I don't know what to do anymore.

In July, I penned this thread on reddit/relationships: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3dfqxv/i_26_m_keep_making_my_girlfriend_22_f_upset_over/ , where I talked about how "I keep making my girlfriend upset over so many things. She says I push her down and put walls up and that the way I talk to her is mean. She thinks I try to force us apart." after yet another one of our fights (there are a few examples in there, but by this point it's getting closer to 5 times a week. And I *still* stuck through it.

[gt22]

Eventually, after months of different therapists -- (I was convinced I was the one who needed help, it must be my ADHD causing this, or my anxiety, or something -- and she kept telling me for months that I needed to go a therapist and get help -- and then once I did, she told me after I told her the morning of that I didn't know what I'd talk about: "Really thinking this therapy thing is going to totally shut you down and you're going to stop talking to me. Honestly not excited" --, I was broken after one particularly bad morning. I missed my therapy appointment and basically begged to be seen. I told him everything about what happened that morning, what kept happening, how I kept ___ing up. I told him I thought I was a narcissist. I'd been reading a lot about NPD and how they "shut people down" and "belittle" them and are "selfish" and all these things my girlfriend had been saying about me for months and how much I hurt her. It took a lot for me to come out with all that and tell him I thought I might have NPD.

He told me: "I don't think you're a narcissist. I treat a lot of narcissists, and you're clearly not one. But I am very worried about you.".  He asked me a bunch of questions about our relationship, things she says, things that happened... .eventually he asks me: "So what do you feel you have to do around her... how do you feel you have to act?" I responded: "Like I'm walking on eggshells". So he walks over to his bookcase and hands me a copy of "Stop Walking On Eggshells" and says it's my homework to read it.

I tell you, I read that thing cover to cover in 2 days. Couldn't put it down (but had to hide it from her of course). I read forums, articles, everything I could digest. Finally, this madness had a method! Finally I found some kind of explanation for what the hell had been going on for the last 8 months.

I *tried* and *tried* and tried those last two weeks (once I knew). I tried validating her feelings. Instead of getting defensive and arguing and eventually giving up and apologizing (our usual schtick), I would calmly validate her feelings, apologize for the hurt she felt, but assert that I only meant whatever I said in a nice way, or even just let her get it all out. That went very poorly. She kept saying I sounded like a "professor lecturing to her" and that I sounded "emotionally disconnected" and using "CEO-speak" when I would try to speak slowly and calmly, mostly just to manage my own frustration and stay calm. Instead, she'd get mad about that. I posted this to reddit/BPDlovedones:

https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/comments/3gmvrl/help_i_dont_know_what_to_do_anymore/




I thought we made progress. We had a long talk one night where she did admit that she didn't know why this was happening and that she kept taking things to an extreme and things felt good... .but then it was back to complete ___ two days later. I was leaving for the weekend for a bachelor party but she spent over 2 hours in the morning berating me for going, saying that it showed how little I cared about her (it was my birthday the following Monday and I should have spent the weekend with her instead of going), saying that bachelor parties are immature and she thinks less of everyone going, that it's not "husband material", that I should have compromised and shared this weekend with her, etc. etc. Later that day, she apologized and said she didn't want me to feel bad, it was just that she felt like she was a bad girlfriend. I assured her she wasn't and *kept* trying to make things work.

Basically that entire weekend was torture. Everything I texted her was wrong. She said "Excited to see you tomorrow!" and I said "Excited too babe!" and that was an issue for her. I didn't answer a text for 30 mins and that was an issue. Then the final blow up was because I wouldn't call her (after a full day of loong texts about how I need to communicate better, and so much stuff). Transcript follows:

"Going to bed within the hour to get up at 5 if we could talk I would appreciate it". This was the conversation: Me:"I can't really baby. I'm out with everyone and its loud. Hope you have a great night and I'm sure you'll do incredible tomorrow. Love you babe" - Her:"You can't call to say goodnight and good luck? Ok" - Me:"Baby its really loud here and theres really nowhere I can go. I can call you but it'll be hard. Do you still want me to?" - Her:":)o whatever you want" - Me:"Ok. Good night baby, wishing you the best tomorrow, I know you'll do great" --- Her:"Find you own ride home from the airport" "Happy birthday" "Call. Me. Now." "I am your girlfriend who is taking a test tomorrow regarding my future. You are supposed to call to wish someone luck you know how nervous I am right now." "Please. I can't believe you would choose and want to not wish me luck when I said I would really appreciate hearing from you" "Why would you not want to wish me luck you know I want to hear it from you? Please" "Go to the bathroom or something please" "Please I'm begging you I'm so upset I need this test to go well. Please" "Please don't ignore me"

I made the decision right then and there to end things. I called her, calmed her down, and decided to end things the next morning when I got home. BUT when I get home, she had written a 3 page letter to me about how she came to a realization that morning that she has been wrong this whole time, for months, and how she talked to her old therapist (remember that from our first breakup back in January?) and realized that she has a serious mental disorder that is causing all this and that she was going to go away for a week to an intensive, in-patient therapy thing and that everything would be better when she got back. She said she finally realizes why she felt the way that she did and why all of those fights that we had were actually her fault all along, not mine. That I'm perfect and amazing and etc... .and she's so sorry for hurting me.


Basically I won't keep writing here because it's gotten crazy long but the times we've talked since, she has been begging and pleading me to give her another chance and show her how things can be better... .that she wanted to spend time with me so I can see that she would be the best girlfriend to me and not this monster that I remember her as. That she was dealing with all these problems and that now she'll be better and she wants to show me that. And that if we really loved each other, that we'd make it work.

She came over to get her stuff and after *4 hours* of her telling me how she dreams that we'd get back together and that "A dream is a wish your heart makes" and that doesn't my heart want to make things work with her? Isn't there a side of me that still loves her enough to give her a chance? ", I started getting frustrated and snippy, and then she's very upset about that. "I'm sorry I haven't gotten my ___ together fast enough for you", which I told her was guilting me and unfair and she said "It's true though isn't it?, wheres the cutoff, one hour per 3 months? I'm sorry it's taking me so long". See full thread here (more details, and how she convinced me during those 4 hours to have breakup sex and it went very poorly): https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/comments/3ihytt/im_weak/



Basically... .I still can't get over it. I don't know how I lived with it for so long and I don't know why I *STILL* feel like I somehow did something wrong. How I somehow messed up. How I still have the problem. Wtf.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Your reactions to this whole affair are completely normal. We are programmed to help our partners when they are in distress. The BPD dynamic really messes with this programming because we ultimately try to fix stuff that simply isn't there, we fail to really help because we really can't, and we get so twisted up we don't really know what's real anymore.

The guilt you feel is a reaction to all of this. You ended up in a crazy situation with a crazy person and you've ended it with absolutely no resolution to any of the issues that caused it. That would make anyone feel confused and guilty. All you need do is live for yourself and let time help to work these feelings out.

You escaped the crazy! You are free!