How to talk about sex?

[Cloudy Days]

Ok, so I pondered whether I should ask here but, how exactly do you talk about sex with someone who pretty much acts like you are cheating on them any time you have a complaint about your sex life?

Me and my husband have sex regularly, A couple times a week, but it is very mechanical and unloving. Every now and then he will throw in something that seems less mechanical but for the most part it's the same thing every time and that's it. Every time I try to ask him for something else. Not asking for something we have never done mind you. More like me asking for something we used to have that he has forgotten about. I suggested something last night, I was asked if I was cheating on him. This literally makes no sense to me. How is it me asking for a better sexual experience translate into, "I'm sleeping with someone else"?

I guess what we do works for us, but it's very unemotional and I would rather have a connection with him. I basically don't bring this up because it has never done any good and it usually just makes him call it off completely. I find myself craving a loving touch even after we have sex, which should not be the case.

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[byfaith]

 

I would guess that it boils down to him being insecure? He may feel like he is not adequate enough because you asked for something more or better?

Did he view it as a complaint? Sometimes it doesn't matter how we present something, most of the time it's taken as an invalidation of some sort.

It stinks having to have these feelings of not being able to have "normal" conversations with our spouses.

It has been 2 1/2 years since my wife and I have had sex. I almost forget what it was like. This may sound weird but when we eventually reconnect I will probably feel more nervous with her than the first time we were together.

Sometimes I get concerned that I will not be able to stay in a marriage where there is no physical intimacy.

Sorry you have to feel this way

[vortex of confusion]

Discussing sex is very difficult.

I don't have any answers for you. My husband claims to be a sex addict yet we don't have sex very often and when we do it is pretty much the same thing all of the time. Over the years, I have tried to do a little bit of directing and it doesn't work. It usually ends with him feeling like he is a failure.

I think a lot of it is insecurity like byfaith said. Any suggestion for different or more or anything really is being seen as a personal attack. It it quite possible that he might think that you requesting something means that you are not satisfied and unhappy and should go look for somebody else. Another thought is that perhaps he feels so inadequate that he thinks things like, "If I was with somebody as bad in bed as me, I would be cheating on them." That is just a guess though. My husband likes the idea of me cheating and has actively encouraged it. 

[Cloudy Days]

I get asked if I am cheating almost every day now. It did stop for quite awhile but has returned. It gets old and it's hard not to get angry about it when I have told him 10 million times that I am not cheating on him. Then he takes the anger as guilt and it just snow balls. I do think he has the thinking pattern of if I am complaining about it then I would be looking for something else. He regularly tells me he is going to go find someone else to have sex with. My attitude towards that is go ahead, screw someone and I will leave you. I suppose a lot of the time I don't even want to have sex with him so the mechanical unloving act works because I don't have to be emotionally attached to him to do it. But I feel like we would get along better if we had that connection. He always tells me he feels unloved by me but I feel unloved too so I don't really know how to go about making him feel more loved. When someone is attacking you for making spinach dip wrong you don't really want to be loving towards them. But there are many times when I do have the love in my heart to give to him and I show it and I try really hard to make him feel loved both in and out of the bedroom. It's honestly a never ending pit, you keep throwing your energy at it, good, bad, exhausted energy and it makes no difference. He's going to feel how he wants to feel. I just get sick of being blamed for it. When I do put forth effort in the bedroom it makes me feel even more unloved because all he wants is the same thing. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth I suppose you could say. 

[Ceruleanblue]

 "It's honestly a never ending pit, you keep throwing your energy at it, good, bad, exhausted energy and it makes no difference. He's going to feel how he wants to feel. I just get sick of being blamed for it."


I feel this too. My husband wants sex way more than I do, which is a first for me, as it's usually me wanting more sex. I think my sex drive has lowered due his hurting me during sex, as that is his turn on. He denies it, but it's obvious, and he's argued too many times that pleasure/pain are so close together. For me, they are not. I don't want sex to hurt. I don't want to come away bruised up and feeling raped, and that's when I tried to be a willing participant. No amount of telling him how I feel helps. I even brought this up in MC, and our T basically said sex can be very primal(he's a male T, obviously). WTH?

I miss having connected sex too, but like you, there wasn't any real connection, it just felt like he wanted me to act like a porn star, so no thanks. I was hoping you'd get some insightful answers on this because I'd bet a lot of us deal with this. I mean, they have trouble opening themselves up, so why would sex be any different?

[Cloudy Days]

I mean, they have trouble opening themselves up, so why would sex be any different?

That's true. I guess I am bothered by it because when we first met things were completely different. We were compatible in every way in the bedroom. I know what he likes and he knows what I like and they are not that different. I'm sorry you have to experience something you do not enjoy in any way during such an intimate time. That would certainly make me not want it. I get annoyed that he has changed so much from what we used to have. I know now that it is actually a bit of a red flag. To be attracted by the sex. I know he has it in him though, I guess that's what bothers me.

[vortex of confusion]

That's true. I guess I am bothered by it because when we first met things were completely different. We were compatible in every way in the bedroom. I know what he likes and he knows what I like and they are not that different. . . . I get annoyed that he has changed so much from what we used to have. I know now that it is actually a bit of a red flag. To be attracted by the sex. I know he has it in him though, I guess that's what bothers me.

How comfortable is your husband with his own sexuality?

I ask because a lot of the people that have a problem like this in the bedroom are not comfortable in their own skin. My husband has admitted that he feels more comfortable talking to others about sex than me. I think the reason is that any discussions that he and I would have would contribute to intimacy. He is afraid of intimacy. He struggles to open up to me about anything.

One of the things that you might try is to talk to him outside of the bedroom. It isn't nearly as uncomfortable to talk about sex, etc. when fully clothed without any kind of expectation. That way, when you actually do make it to the bedroom, there is less reason to talk. That may or may not work. I have had limited success with that. We will talk about something and then he will remember once or twice and then forget.

Things were different when you first met because he was trying to win you over. Things were different when you first met because there wasn't the expectation of deep intimacy. Things were different when you first met because the two of you were still exploring things sexually and everything was fresh and new. As soon as I said "I do", our sex life became more complicated than I ever dreamed possible. After our wedding, the next day we went to my parents' house to get something. He was creeped out because "Everybody knows that we had sex." like it was something to be ashamed of or something.

[Cloudy Days]

We actually talk about sex comfortably, that is what boggles my mind about it. He brings it up constantly, he always wants it (always!). He will show me things on Pornography that he wants me to try, he will comment on things he sees. He's very dirty minded and it seems to always be in the shadows of his mind. Other than talking about what he wants, that's all the talk there is. If I have any suggestions or complaints about anything he goes from wanting sex to basically calling it off and being mad. It's all about him. I am not completely unsatisfied when we have sex, It is just boring because it is the same thing, and he seems to be ok with it. Is it wrong to want a spark instead of a routine?