How do you receive alimony?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

For those of you who pay alimony or receive it, how do you manage it?  I'm leary of giving my exNPDbBPDh my bank account information.  He used to give me the checks in person since we exchange the children frequently.  He's been late a few times, also late with community property division payments (not alimony).  Now he's mailing them, although I've stated I don't want to use mail because it's not secure.  Latest is he sent it needing a signature, now I have to pick it up at the post office this week, and because of my work schedule, I can't until 4 days after hes's supposed to have given it to me.  I feel like asking to have his wages garnished is mean.  He's behind on many bills, makes a huge, six-figure salary.  Any feedback on what has worked for others is appreciated.

[Ulysses]

For those of you who pay alimony or receive it, how do you manage it?  I'm leary of giving my exNPDbBPDh my bank account information.  He used to give me the checks in person since we exchange the children frequently.  He's been late a few times, also late with community property division payments (not alimony).  Now he's mailing them, although I've stated I don't want to use mail because it's not secure.  Latest is he sent it needing a signature, now I have to pick it up at the post office this week, and because of my work schedule, I can't until 4 days after hes's supposed to have given it to me.  I feel like asking to have his wages garnished is mean.  He's behind on many bills, makes a huge, six-figure salary.  Any feedback on what has worked for others is appreciated.

[Herodias]

Right now we have a joint account we slide money between us. I don't want to continue that when we are divorced. I want him to make automatic payments from his bank to mine... .He's being controlling and doesn't want to do as I ask- I may have to get my lawyer involved... .Especially when he's not paying other bills and could end up in the hospital or jail- it makes me nervous... .

[ForeverDad]

Similar to Herodias, we kept our old joint account open and I'd put my alimony deposits there.  It was a nice solution since that way the state couldn't charge me its 2% fee for handling the process.

Surprise, even that got messed up.  One time my ex somehow transferred the amount twice to her personal account.   She still banked there but I didn't.  Fortunately I found out when I got the statement but by then there was a week or two of daily overdraft fees.  As I recall I managed to get the last few reduced when I submitted the next payment early.  But there were still some fees left and she tried to get me to pay the shortage that she accidentally caused.  I declined.  When alimony ended I made sure the joint account was closed.

There are risks when keeping a joint account open, you could be exposed to the legal consequences of his misdeeds.  You probably should try to get that loophole shut down if he will use that as a control, manipulation, intimidation or tactic.  You would have good reason to make sure it is ended in the divorce's final decree or earlier.

[FamilyLaw]

Check to see if your state has a Clearinghouse for child and spousal support payments.

My state requires that child support go through the Clearinghouse, so that there is no confusion regarding who has paid what.  Only what is paid into the Clearinghouse "counts" unless you file an Affidavit of Direct Payment and show proof (a cancelled check or bank transfer) that shows a payment was made.

While its not required to do spousal support the same way, I usually recommend that people use the Clearinghouse for spousal support as well because it gives both sides proof of when and how support was paid.  The only problem with the Clearinghouse is that there tends to be a 3 business day delay between the Clearinghouse receiving the payment and it being deposited in the receiving person's bank account or on their EFT card.

[livednlearned]

My ex lumped CS with alimony. It was supposed to be paid by the 1st of the month per the court order, tho he regularly sent it two weeks late. When he was dysregulating, he would wait until the very end of the month. I had some lean months there for a while and learned to squirrel away a small amount just in case he stopped paying altogether. I live in an expensive area (school district  ) and it's hard to live without the CS (alimony is now over).

I hear something else in your request -- if I remember correctly, your ex is very narcissistic and a lawyer? I was advised by my T to send an email to N/BPDx along the lines of, "Are you having a hard time paying CS and alimony?" She was a fan of the BIFF approach (Bill Eddy's advice to send short emails and minimize the size of the target).

She felt that N/BPDx was changing the dates he paid (he sends his autopay from his bank to my PO Box number) as a way to make me worried. Her recommendation was to appeal to his narcissism.

[Ulysses]

Thanks for the responses.  They give me some options to discuss with my L.

LNL, how does asking if he's having trouble paying appeal to his narcissism?  Is it that he'll then try to pay on time because he wants to appear put-together?

I think in his mind he's paying on time because he sends it on time.  I've just not received it.  Also, I think he's doing this to avoid me. 

I might also cave in and get an account where he can deposit, and stipulate through my attorney that the deposit is accessible by the 1st of the month.  I definitely have a lot saved, although being in school, we'll see how long I can keep it that way.

[ForeverDad]

Whatever else, avoid a joint account.  I let mine continue until my 3 years of alimony ended but as described above she did a big mistake that she tried to make me fix.

Allowing ex to deposit into your account should be OK since the account would be in your name only and ex won't have rights to it.  However, expect him to schmooze and try to bamboozle the tellers to bypass some rules.

The due date and the payable dates may be different.  It may be due on the first but payment received by the fifth.  The theory (excuse) was that more time was "it's in the mail".  Beware of that slippery slope, longer and longer delays.  He may try to shift the deadline to the 8th, to the 10th, to the 15th, etc.

I lived in NYC for decades where rent payment due dates became a farce.  Originally on the 1st, then the 3rd, then the 5th, then the 10th, etc.  I knew one landlord where he didn't even try to go to landlord tenant court until rent was a month late because he knew that if he did it sooner and then the tenant paid the court would look at him, "you got your rent money, nothing else for you to get".

[Ishenuts]

My "unallocated alimony" (combined CS and alimony that I pay all taxes on - BIG mistake) is due 'on or before ' the 15th of the month. My uNPDexh puts the check in my mailbox (on the street) at 11:38 pm on the 15th. I have asked for a post dated check if I'll be out of town on the 15th - nope! Last month the kids and I were going out of state 8/15-8/18. I asked him to give me the check at 8 am on the 15th when he was dropping off the kids. Nope! He said, "I'll put it in your mailbox at the regular time (right before midnight!) So, in order to play his games, he was willing to leave a sizable check in a mailbox on the street for 3 days! I made arrangement for a friend to come and get it, so I asked exh to text me when he put it in the mailbox so I could alert my friend. He texted me at 5 pm.

I am filing a few contempt  motions in the near future, and I am going to file a motion to have his check direct deposited into my checking account. Although he's only been late once, which will be his argument, my L feels the judge will see the games he's playing, and grant my request. I have documentation because I've asked him to email me when he puts it in the mailbox. So I have all the dates and times ( 11:38pm, 10:56 pm, 11:55 pm etc) in a monthly email. Hehe. Gotcha!

AND through all the crap he pulls and the games he plays, I get the emails telling me "it's been 3 years. Move on. Get over it!" Yeah - maybe when you become reasonable? Dream on, ishenuts¡¡¡