Stop stalking me (Why aren't you stalking me?)

[patientandclear]

I imagine my ex's thought patterns evolving something like this:

-"I like being alone.  I could always get GEM back, but I don't want her -- she's crazy.  There are plenty of fish in the sea."

-"Being alone isn't all that great, but there's that cute girl from the bar who Facebook friended me when I was with GEM.  I'll check her out tonight.  I could always call GEM back, but yeah, she's crazy."

-"Well, I guess it wasn't meant to be with the cute girl in the bar.  But she's just one person.  There are a lot of other girls out there.  And I think maybe I could get GEM back."

-"Finding someone is harder than I thought.  But you know, being alone isn't that bad.  I think I could call GEM back.  Maybe I should look.  Is GEM still single?"

-"Whew, GEM is still single.  I am going to go to the bar tonight and see if I meet anyone."

-"This is the third time this week I've checked to see if GEM is still single . . . "

I think this is dead on.

So ... .what are the implications for us?  When we see how the pwBPD values us differently depending on the availability of other options, and uses the sense that there are other options to lessen the need to do what it takes to make a real r/s with us (or anyone) work -- what do we take from that about the prospects of these r/ships?  [That's a non-rhetorical question I'm asking myself as much as anyone.]

[Suspicious1]

GEM, sometimes I seriously think you are actually me... .

[JQ]

I imagine my ex's thought patterns evolving something like this:

-"I like being alone.  I could always get GEM back, but I don't want her -- she's crazy.  There are plenty of fish in the sea."

-"Being alone isn't all that great, but there's that cute girl from the bar who Facebook friended me when I was with GEM.  I'll check her out tonight.  I could always call GEM back, but yeah, she's crazy."

-"Well, I guess it wasn't meant to be with the cute girl in the bar.  But she's just one person.  There are a lot of other girls out there.  And I think maybe I could get GEM back."

-"Finding someone is harder than I thought.  But you know, being alone isn't that bad.  I think I could call GEM back.  Maybe I should look.  Is GEM still single?"

-"Whew, GEM is still single.  I am going to go to the bar tonight and see if I meet anyone."

-"This is the third time this week I've checked to see if GEM is still single . . . "

I think this is dead on.

So ... .what are the implications for us?  When we see how the pwBPD values us differently depending on the availability of other options, and uses the sense that there are other options to lessen the need to do what it takes to make a real r/s with us (or anyone) work -- what do we take from that about the prospects of these r/ships?  [That's a non-rhetorical question I'm asking myself as much as anyone.]

Group,

Good question patient ... .if the pwPBD sees other available options of others ... .would this be a good point to put in a boundary and if so what kind of boundary?  If former bf/gf are on their respective FB or other social media do we put limits on them or is this a sign of self esteem / self confidence issue on our part? On one hand it could be seen as a weakness & open us up to rages and on the other hand it could be seen as a boundary & an attempt to control them when they NEED to feel in control of all situations. They can continue a cyber relationship ... .or as my exBPDgf told me it's an affair although not a physical one if you text or write or call another to discuss issues, problems or chat more then a few minutes ... .

[patientandclear]

I imagine my ex's thought patterns evolving something like this:

-"I like being alone.  I could always get GEM back, but I don't want her -- she's crazy.  There are plenty of fish in the sea."

-"Being alone isn't all that great, but there's that cute girl from the bar who Facebook friended me when I was with GEM.  I'll check her out tonight.  I could always call GEM back, but yeah, she's crazy."

-"Well, I guess it wasn't meant to be with the cute girl in the bar.  But she's just one person.  There are a lot of other girls out there.  And I think maybe I could get GEM back."

-"Finding someone is harder than I thought.  But you know, being alone isn't that bad.  I think I could call GEM back.  Maybe I should look.  Is GEM still single?"

-"Whew, GEM is still single.  I am going to go to the bar tonight and see if I meet anyone."

-"This is the third time this week I've checked to see if GEM is still single . . . "

I think this is dead on.

So ... .what are the implications for us?  When we see how the pwBPD values us differently depending on the availability of other options, and uses the sense that there are other options to lessen the need to do what it takes to make a real r/s with us (or anyone) work -- what do we take from that about the prospects of these r/ships?  [That's a non-rhetorical question I'm asking myself as much as anyone.]

Group,

Good question patient ... .if the pwPBD sees other available options of others ... .would this be a good point to put in a boundary and if so what kind of boundary?  If former bf/gf are on their respective FB or other social media do we put limits on them or is this a sign of self esteem / self confidence issue on our part? On one hand it could be seen as a weakness & open us up to rages and on the other hand it could be seen as a boundary & an attempt to control them when they NEED to feel in control of all situations. They can continue a cyber relationship ... .or as my exBPDgf told me it's an affair although not a physical one if you text or write or call another to discuss issues, problems or chat more then a few minutes ... .

If the person you love is engaging others romantically, however you define that, yes, for sure, you have to decide how you feel about that and the terms on which you are willing to engage in such circumstances.

This is where understanding how boundaries work is so important.  You cannot make someone not be interested in others, not pursue others, not sneak around making hidden intimate contact with others.  You can only decide the nature of the interaction you are willing to have with this person if they do that.

Some people, including some people on this board, are good with an open relationship, so the multiple connections is not a boundary situation per se, though the terms of the open relationship need to be addressed and that can be complicated as there is a whole new set of boundaries to be pushed and tested.

Some people are with pwBPD who do not engage multiple people romantically or at least that is not known to happen.

But for those of us whose pwBPD DO like to maintain multiple romantic channels and who use those as coping mechanisms, and who are not cool with an open relationship, yeah, it's tough.  And even if you "successfully" use boundaries to make clear you will only engage if there are not others in the picture, query whether what you end up with is a very resentful and unhappy and disappointed, albeit faithful, partner.

In my case my ex resists boundaries to a profound extent.  Capitulating to someone else's terms for engagement is kind of his worst nightmare and goes against his highest values.  It's hard to work with that.  But he is more independent and autonomous than some of the BPD partners people post about on here, so I think my situation is more extreme than many.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I can respect a person who asks for a break, or time to think, within reason.  I think that's really what my ex needed, but he blew everything to high heaven instead. 

I resent the fact that he clearly thinks of me as an option, while he treats me with hostility and blocks me on social media.  Yesterday it made me so angry that I signed up for a singles mixer right there where he can see it.   He needs to see the reality of what's at stake.

My ex is so stubborn that he would light himself on fire you told him not to, so it will be interesting to see if this elicits any action on his part.

He has been socially of the radar for over a week.  That is a possible sign of low dopamine and/or depression.  I know his life is comparatively awful without me, but he doesn't seem interested in admitting that.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

BPD ex and supply issues or how much worse off they are without us do not mean much.  I personally am in a new relationship with a caring kind person who has greatly enriched my life.  When i logically think about are interactions and time together it the most support trust I ever had.  I may think that way, unfortunately most of the time I feel spacey distant, unemphatic to what she is feeling.  I respond with kindness, gratefulness and respect, more because i was reaised that way, none the less it does not increase my bond to her.  My BPD, ex honestly was in my position in our relationship.  How could she not appreciate me, or have similar feeling.  Now I realize, as much as something my seem to make sense or the logical conclusion, the human mind is also a feeling mind.  Just like I do not feel a deep connection with my current partner no matter how supportive, or amazing things she does.  My BPD ex was never going to love me or come back just because i enriched hear life, helped her get of drugs, get a new job and start her life over.  Just my 2 cent

[GreenEyedMonster]

pwBPD don't have problems attaching to people -- they do that to an extreme.  They have problems *detaching* from people.  In their minds, it's almost as if the relationship continues after the breakup.  That's why they paint people black; it's the only way that they can find closure.

My ex had all but disappeared from our social media site.  Then I posted that I was going to that singles mixer yesterday.  Voila!  He has reappeared.  Magic, huh?

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Never thought about the detachment and being painted black in such away.   Very insightful.

[still_in_shock]

My u-exBPDh had deleted his marital status, delinked me as his wife, removed all pictures of us together on a FB about a month before announcing a divorce, and 4 months before we physically separated. Same time, he blocked me off of any other platform that was connecting us (LinkedIn, Instagram, etc). He later changed his name on the FB to some weird nickname so I do not find googling him. That was about 10 months ago.

About couple of weeks ago, I realized he had removed a block on me on his Instagram account. I figured that by seeing that the "follow" button is activated now, which wasn't the case previously. But his account is still private, which means he's sort of leaving a bate for me to bite on, so that he could decline my request, if I ever do so.

Such a child.