Tested the waters for 2 weeks...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been gone from my s/o with BPD for 3 months.

I saw him and all feelings came again. 

This is hard.  I know he wants me back.  I want the man I see on the good days back. We started testing the waters it goes in and out. We have had pity arguments the past 4 nights.  One over not letting him see my first born yet.  (I let him see his son) One over me being with my best friend for her dad's funeral and having no signal in the middle of nowhere for 4 hours. He didn't trust me.  Another for him pointing fingers calling my boundaries unhealthy. And then last night repeated the argument over  me not letting him see my first born. That's one of the boundaries I set.

I have been seeing a therapist. He has as well but has done no actual work on himself as far as his BPD. I know and understand it better than he does.  So yesterday he goes sees his therapist for the first time since we been testing the waters. She tells him she doesn't believe he has BPD because he doesn't hate me for leaving him.  And he doesn't hate his ex before me for leaving him.  So now he is busy pointing fingers telling me he doesn't have BPD and I'm a dismissive avoidant. Him calling me a dismissive avoidant isn't new tho.

Now I have taken a look at his accusation of me being a dismissive avoidant. I asked him does he even know what that is. He says it's the way I talk to him. I told him its an attachment style. And that's not my attachment style. I told him I'm not pointing fingers at his attachment style. So what are you please quit pointing fingers at what he thinks mine is and start working on his BPD. He can't stop he says I have issues too. I need to work on.  I can't deal with this.  I have been working with a therapist. He on the other hand has shared with me he just talks to his and she listened. He hasn't started DBT or anything yet. I look up his therapist and she only specializes with BPD from sexual abuse. So I have found two in the area that deal with dbt and all types of pd. He agreed to go before his therapist told him he doesn't have BPD.

Now I'm no angel, I'm just now learning to talk to him the correct way when he is angry. I want him to become a healthy version of himself. .I know BPD doesn't go away.  Any insight on what I have written. And can anybody tell me if a pwBPD continuously works on themselves with dbt  how long does it take them to show results?  He is at a point where he is asking me if I want this and giving me the silent treatment when I call. These pity arguments aren't something I'm willing to deal with this often when he has done 0 footwork on BPD. I'm reading Loving someone with BPD right now.  I'm so confused and undecided. I love him very much,I just can't live this unhealthy again. He threatens me every time I want to back off or slow down he isn't doing this a 3rd time.  I know that's him trying to manipulate me.  I'm just so confused and riding the Rollercoaster I have been off of emotionally (besides court for custody )  for 3 months and don't want to ride this often.  Any input would be great. 

[Scarlettrose]

I have been gone from my s/o with BPD for 3 months.

I saw him and all feelings came again. 

This is hard.  I know he wants me back.  I want the man I see on the good days back. We started testing the waters it goes in and out. We have had pity arguments the past 4 nights.  One over not letting him see my first born yet.  (I let him see his son) One over me being with my best friend for her dad's funeral and having no signal in the middle of nowhere for 4 hours. He didn't trust me.  Another for him pointing fingers calling my boundaries unhealthy. And then last night repeated the argument over  me not letting him see my first born. That's one of the boundaries I set.

I have been seeing a therapist. He has as well but has done no actual work on himself as far as his BPD. I know and understand it better than he does.  So yesterday he goes sees his therapist for the first time since we been testing the waters. She tells him she doesn't believe he has BPD because he doesn't hate me for leaving him.  And he doesn't hate his ex before me for leaving him.  So now he is busy pointing fingers telling me he doesn't have BPD and I'm a dismissive avoidant. Him calling me a dismissive avoidant isn't new tho.

Now I have taken a look at his accusation of me being a dismissive avoidant. I asked him does he even know what that is. He says it's the way I talk to him. I told him its an attachment style. And that's not my attachment style. I told him I'm not pointing fingers at his attachment style. So what are you please quit pointing fingers at what he thinks mine is and start working on his BPD. He can't stop he says I have issues too. I need to work on.  I can't deal with this.  I have been working with a therapist. He on the other hand has shared with me he just talks to his and she listened. He hasn't started DBT or anything yet. I look up his therapist and she only specializes with BPD from sexual abuse. So I have found two in the area that deal with dbt and all types of pd. He agreed to go before his therapist told him he doesn't have BPD.

Now I'm no angel, I'm just now learning to talk to him the correct way when he is angry. I want him to become a healthy version of himself. .I know BPD doesn't go away.  Any insight on what I have written. And can anybody tell me if a pwBPD continuously works on themselves with dbt  how long does it take them to show results?  He is at a point where he is asking me if I want this and giving me the silent treatment when I call. These pity arguments aren't something I'm willing to deal with this often when he has done 0 footwork on BPD. I'm reading Loving someone with BPD right now.  I'm so confused and undecided. I love him very much,I just can't live this unhealthy again. He threatens me every time I want to back off or slow down he isn't doing this a 3rd time.  I know that's him trying to manipulate me.  I'm just so confused and riding the Rollercoaster I have been off of emotionally (besides court for custody )  for 3 months and don't want to ride this often.  Any input would be great. 

[Lucky Jim]

I know that's him trying to manipulate me.  I'm just so confused and riding the Rollercoaster I have been off of emotionally (besides court for custody )  for 3 months and don't want to ride this often.  Any input would be great. 

Hey Scarlett, It's up to you to determine if and when you want to get off the roller coaster.  It's within your power.  Having dipped your toe back in the BPD waters, you seem to be back into the toxic soup, from my perspective.  What makes you think it will go differently this time?  What are your gut feelings?

LuckyJim

[Scarlettrose]

I know that's him trying to manipulate me.  I'm just so confused and riding the Rollercoaster I have been off of emotionally (besides court for custody )  for 3 months and don't want to ride this often.  Any input would be great. 

Hey Scarlett, It's up to you to determine if and when you want to get off the roller coaster.  It's within your power.  Having dipped your toe back in the BPD waters, you seem to be back into the toxic soup, from my perspective.  What makes you think it will go differently this time?  What are your gut feelings?

LuckyJim

[Scarlettrose]

I have no idea how to quote I'm really new to this forum.


My gut feeling?  

I'm normally great at listening to my gut. It says it may be too early to be testing the waters. But the other part of me knows he trust me more than anybody and that I can be a helping hand to him to get him going in right direction

The not answering my phone calls ended up being him not answering any ones and his mom drove an hour and found him in bed depressed and he didn't go to work. Currently its his weekend with our son and he is here to pick him up and mowing my grass. Happy because I didn't give up on him. Tonight will be another talk.  I know from earlier he is willing to go see another therapist. Even his current one says DBT will help him now.

Now this weekend will be a huge test for him because I'm going out of town for two nights without him. So if he can keep his BPD at bay that will be a first.

So nonetheless I'm a confused passager on a roller-coaster it's downhill right now.  But that could change at any moment. .

[Lucky Jim]

I'm normally great at listening to my gut. It says it may be too early to be testing the waters. But the other part of me knows he trust me more than anybody and that I can be a helping hand to him to get him going in right direction

Hey Scarlettrose, To quote, just copy, hit the button above with a yellow page blurb on it and then paste.

I find your comment interesting because your gut is telling you one thing, yet your sense of obligation is telling you another.

There's no right or wrong thing to do, so follow the path that seems right to you, I suggest.

I will only add that I got into a lot of trouble by ignoring my gut feelings . . . though your situation is of course different.

LuckyJim

[an0ught]

Hi Scarlettrose,

I have no idea how to quote I'm really new to this forum.

The quote above looks like this:

Code:

[quote author=Scarlettrose link=topic=282498.msg12668515#msg12668515 date=1441423233]I have no idea how to quote I'm really new to this forum. [/quote]

and you get it inserted by hitting the "Insert Quote" button for each message which also conveniently copies the whole message. You may want to selectively delete as often a full quote is too much.


There are simpler quote without post reference that look like this:

I have no idea how to quote I'm really new to this forum.

The quote above looks like this:

Code:

[quote]I have no idea how to quote I'm really new to this forum. [/quote]

and you get it selecting text and pressing the symbol button above the text box.

The preview button is a good way to check whether you got it right.

My gut feeling?  

I'm normally great at listening to my gut. It says it may be too early to be testing the waters. But the other part of me knows he trust me more than anybody and that I can be a helping hand to him to get him going in right direction

Balancing that won't be easy. Make sure your support system stays strong.

The not answering my phone calls ended up being him not answering any ones and his mom drove an hour and found him in bed depressed and he didn't go to work. Currently its his weekend with our son and he is here to pick him up and mowing my grass. Happy because I didn't give up on him. Tonight will be another talk.  I know from earlier he is willing to go see another therapist. Even his current one says DBT will help him now.

And the outcome was?

Now this weekend will be a huge test for him because I'm going out of town for two nights without him. So if he can keep his BPD at bay that will be a first.

So nonetheless I'm a confused passager on a roller-coaster it's downhill right now.  But that could change at any moment. .