broken up but still having to live together... any suggestions?

[michel71]

We were done last Tuesday. I couldn't take it anymore. Then she finally admitted that she does not want to be married to me anymore. It has been months of downward spiral with only  few status quos in between. Lately there has been a lot of zoning out on my part, detaching. That made it worse. The anger and abuse escalated from my uBPDw to the point of trying to control my phone calls, accusing me of crazy stuff... .it was all too much.

So we have to live together until she can find a place back home in her country. She lacks residency having been away for over a year so it will be more difficult to rent. Also she has to secure a job before she leaves to be able to rent. A bit of a hiccup in her plans to just take off. She also has a daughter to think of.

I am considering trying to find some house sitting gigs. Although the home we live in is my home ( separate property thank God) it is easier for me to find alternate living arrangements than her. I don't want to be around her. It is too painful. Too stressful. She feels the same way. Each of us are taking turns sleeping on the couch for now.

I have no family but friends have offered to put me up here and there. It is kind of them but I am not sure if I want to be that nomadic.

Honestly I don't know what to do with myself or my life now.

[SES]

If she is being abusive, are you recording her when you are at home? Is it worth finding somewhere to live temporarily?  It sounds stressful and hard.  How are you coping?

[michel71]

SES... .she is not being abusive. It is not super tense now. We both know where this has to go. We both understand that for now and due to finances, we cannot live apart. We have to co-exist. Sometimes we watch TV together in the evening. That is okay too. It is a bit of normal. Sometimes we even joke around. That was also part of normal as well. We are both detaching with every day and that is okay too. We are now giving each other emotional space. Today, she woke up in more of a pensive, silent mood. Not angry. Just not engaging. That does not bother me. It might have two weeks ago. For some reason ( and I think it is divine intervention) I am not despondent. I am... .accepting of the present moment. I am truly focusing on myself now. I am insular. That is empowering and protective.

Enlighten... .thank you for sharing your story a bit. Sleeping in a tent FOR A MONTH must have been hard but did it give you any solace? If it did, I can understand it must have been a big trade off.

I am not in a postion to move out, or her move out due to finances. She has no income of her own at present. As for a cheap holiday... .YES! As a matter of fact, I am going back to Miami at the end of the month for a week to visit my daughter. My ex lets me stay for free. The RT ticket cost me only $200. I may also take a trip to visit my Aunt in Nevada. I will stay there for free. And I have offers from some friends to visit them as well. I can only take so much time off from work though and I don't want to use all of my vacation time up for escape purposes. I would like to save it for CELEBRATION purposes!

As much as I wish we could live apart now, its not gonna happen. And this is the situation for stability. Another thing: if I stay in her company, she has the constant reminder of her own need to live separately. If I moved out, she might get used to MY lovely home as her refuge!

[Randi Kreger]

It would seem to me that how well this works depending on a person's ability to let go, not get engaged and so forth. But what about when things get friendly and you see the things you liked about her, and you feel liking, just general liking, and then she acts like she used to? How do you prevent little cliffs and falls?

[enlighten me]

Hi Michel

I have been there twice. First time with ex wife where I moved out of our rented family home and ended up living in a tent for a month. The second time with exgf where I spent a month under the same roof before moving into rented accommodation.

If you moved out how long do you think it would be before she moved out? Is it worth and are you able to rent somewhere cheap for the time being. Are you in a position to get away? Maybe a cheap holiday.

Getting some breathing space will do you the world of good. Like you say though you don't want to be a nomad. After the ex wife I stayed in a tent, at my MIL, with my parents and it was not the best way of doing things. Living out of a bag doesn't give you the stability needed to sort your head out.

[scraps66]

Hi Michel;

These situations are so difficult.  And unpredictable.  She could very well have you booted from the house accusing you of the very things she is doing.  This is what happened to me and there was no fighting it as I had filed for the divorce.  In the mind of many judges, "well, since you were the one to file you should be the one responsible for moving out - to move things along."  A false rationalization by judges to arrive at some decision.

It is not at all difficult to have you booted.  I'm not saying that moving out is not a good idea, but do it under your own terms and allow yourself to control the situation rather than reacting to her crazy behavior. 

But the fact that this is your house, I don't know if that gives you any advantage?

[HopefulDad]

Since you've posted this in the family law forum, I'm going to respond in that context... .

If you're really done, then go talk to a lawyer and understand how any decisions you make affect you either legally or how they may be perceived by a judge down the road.  A lawyer can help you understand the consequences of you moving out, you kicking her out, you moving your paycheck into an account in your name only and denying her access to such monies, you giving her a stipend, you cancelling all joint credit cards, etc.  A lawyer can also help you understand the consequences of keeping the status quo.

Personally, I tried the "separated, but living under the same roof" arrangement and it was unbearable after a few months.  You can say things like, "finances are forcing this situation", but you will quickly revisit that assumption once you start routinely losing sleep, get knots in your stomach and other psychosomatic symptoms from the intense stress.  You may get to the point like I did where money is an afterthought to just feeling emotionally safe.

Since laws can vary depending on your location, you're best to get legal advice regarding any next steps.