Lots of confusion around s7 view of me ...

[sweetheart]

Hi all,

I'm usually on the Staying board, currently no plans to leave, but have been hovering here a lot lately. Bit of background, married, been together 10 years, have a son7. Have had an xtremely difficult 2 years, h v ill; three hospitalisaions, four suicide attempts, two prosecutions for carrying knives for protection when paranoid. Home a month after spending 3 months in a prison hospital and has a 9 month licence period tied to all aspects of his mental health. Good ongoing engagement with mental health services. He is currently as well as I've ever seen him, but remains prone to projection, lacks the ability to self soothe, but overall the lessons I've learnt have made marriage and family life good enough. Rages absent, dysregulations manageable. Accept extremely low functioning won't change.

So the reason for posting is s7 said today I am to blame for his daddy's illness, because I ignore his daddy and upset him. ( these words had been said by my h this morning whilst trying to manage his anxiety to go out for a walk.) My response was what daddy says and what sometimes is happening are not always the same. ( I know it as a rubbish defensive response ) S7 replic well that's what I think!

I feel utterly devastated that he said it and he believes it and I don't know how to manage it at all, I feel at a complete loss because I wanted to defend myself more. I still feel triggered by it. I suppose I try so hard to create a life for our son that is as normal as possible and the realisation is that it's just not. The distorted perception that is his fathers world whom he idealises he needs to believe, but more than that becomes his view of the world.

So aside from feeling gutted how do I manage this better when it happens again?

I just want to say our son is at the beginning of the assessment process for what is looking like autistic spectrum difficulties, but there is a part of me that worries it might be more about his fathers illness than I realised.

[enlighten me]

Hi sweetheart

Im on the leaving boards so my dealings have been a little different as I don't have to worry about what my exs think too much.

What I will say is that Ive had a similar situation with my eldest son. He was a lot younger at the time. I cant remember what it was exactly but it was something his mum had said which he repeated. It was something to do with me not doing something for her needs though.

Rather than just deny it I asked him if he thought that was true and what should I have done. He thought about it and then said No you did do all of those things for her.

My point is that by letting them form their own conclusions based on the facts that they have witnessed it lets you avoid being seen as contradicting the other parent. If they return with a question on why does daddy say that then? All you need to say is because at times that's how he feels.

Over time your son will see things differently.

[sweetheart]

Enlighten me thanku I made a compete hash of it all because I was so taken aback by it. How I felt, hurt and guilty, led me right into JADE with a 7 year old!

I suspect the physical absence of his father for the last three months has impacted on him more than I realise. I wonder if hearing his dad being irritable/anxious makes him fearful that it will happen again and his dad will go away again.

[enlighten me]

Hi sweetheart

I wouldn't worry too much how you handled one incident. We all get caught off guard and say or do something we regret.

The secret for me is honesty, consistency, listening and protecting. It seems to be working as my eldest sons from my ex wife now live with me.

By being honest it doesn't mean you have to tell them everything though. You can leave out things that may upset without lying. This is part of protecting. By being consistent, not promising things you later go back on and sticking to your rules you will gain trust. Children also need to be listened to and sometimes its hard to hear what they are really saying. Think about what was said and why it was said. I don't mean general chit chat but like when s7 said you ignored daddy and his feelings. Is he just repeating what dad said or is it something else? Is he trying to gain dads approval as he feels ignored by him?

Were here for you if you need us.

EM

[Thunderstruck]

My SD was 7 when I first met her. She was fircely loyal to her BPDmom. That has started to change over the past year or so as she's gotten older and more independent and can see her mom for all that she is.

One thing that SD(now)10 does which I think is part normal kid thing and part  is blame everyone else for her bad behavior. So we stress to her that you alone own your feelings and behaviors. You are responsible for them. No one else is responsible for "making" you angry, happy, etc etc.

I also think that sometimes SD10 mimes her moms accusations about us like your S7 did. As enlightenme said, we usually just reflect back asking "What do you think about it?". Then SD10 gives us a different answer when she has a chance to bounce her perceptions off of reality.