No idea how to handle my little sis anymore :-(

[Charlie3236]

I'm so at a loss. Over the past 20 years my little sister has become more and more hateful and cruel. When my son was born she was very jealous, but was still visiting often. Now she's decided that she HATES me and my husband. But she still wants to see my son! She wants my stepfather (her real father) to come pick him up and take him over to her. I'm not totally opposed to it as long as he is not left alone with her. But my husband is saying absolutely not, that if she can't be a decent human being to us he doesn't want her around our child. I'm so torn because I know she's sick, and my son is the ONLY good thing in her life. But I also know that it would take a miracle for her to get better. Any thoughts would really be appreciated, thanks!

[GreenGlit]

As a preface, this is an opinionated post, more so than I usually write.

To start, we are talking about YOUR child - you need to do what is the best for your child, hands down no question.

If your sister is allowed to make her specifications as to when and how she sees YOUR son (i.e. stepfather picks him up, meet at another location), then you are agreeing with her and participating in and validating her behavior.

I understand he is one of the few things in her life that make her happy - but that doesn't mean you need to accept her behavior when you can see it's not normal or healthy. It's not your fault she is sick, but you can help her live a more normal life by not allowing her to continue her unhealthy behavior. A normal person would come to your house to see your son... .from the third party perspective it seems so bizarre that she wants to see your son SO badly but refuses to see his mother's face for 5 minutes.

Also something to consider is the power of modeling behavior for your son. If this dynamic continues, what will your son think when he realizes you and your sister never see each other, but he has this secret relationship with her? If you allow her to interact with your son but not with you, what will you say to your son when he wants her to come for Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or his birthday parties? I don't think that accepting her demands is setting you up for modeling normal family dynamics for your son, or making your son happy in the long run.

I have a personal story to share and I wanted to paint a picture for you in terms of what your son might experience. As a child I had a very similar situation with my father's parents. My mother us uBPD. Mom refused to see dad's parents EVER, but my father would take us to see them because my mom "didn't want to keep us from having family relations." On Christmas day we would leave mom's family to visit my dad's parents with my father for a few hours. It was always strange to me as a child to come home and talk to my mom about people she hadn't seen in 15 years... .my own grandparents nonetheless. They never were invited for holidays or any of my birthday parties even though I would ask for them to be invited. It's not healthy. Never once in my life did I see my mother and my grandparents in the same room. When my grandfather died, my father and I went to his funeral, without my mother supporting him through such a difficult moment. I felt so sad for him. I wish it had been different for me... .I hope that gives you something to consider in your decision.

[Charlie3236]

Wow thank you so much for sharing your story, that really put things in perspective!

[Panda39]

Hi Charlie3236,

I agree with GreenGlit your job is to protect and parent your son.  You are listening to the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that your sister is using.  Why would you want to send your son off to be with someone that hates his parents?  Would you do that if this person wasn't your sister?  It also sounds like you don't trust her alone with him... .trust your gut on this one you are probably right on the money.

Protect your son (even if its from your sister) that is your responsibility.  Keeping your sister "happy" isn't your job.  Below is a link about boundaries you might want to think about some around your sister relating to your son and move on to some around yourself and your husband.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

I also wanted to attach a link related to FOG (Emotional Blackmail).

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I also want to point out the box to the right ----------------------------->

Everything has a link to further information you might start with the "Lessons" links.

Take Care,

Panda39

[Charlie3236]

Thank you Panda39, I'm checking out the links now. And thanks for helping me have a little less guilt about the whole thing!