8 months out

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi Board,

So I am 8 months and I thought I would update everyone on where I am.  As some may recall I was an uBPDexgf off and on for a little over a year.  She was the abusive angry violent type.  Things ended in early January after a blow out fight, and I have not heard from her since.  I have not contacted her either.


So I think I am finally in the place that I hoped to be.  She is well in my rear view mirror.  Yes I still think about her everyday, but only in passing.  A couple of months ago it was nearly all the time.  I also have learned to recognize red flags in relationships and not tolerate abuse, immaturity and selfish behavior.  I have been dating a lot, and for the last month, I have been seeing a wonderful young lady.

It's quite amazing.  She is 11 years younger than my exgf (34 vs. 23), yet she is light years ahead in maturity.  All of my friends and family who have met her have immediately commented on this.  She is also much kinder and brighter. 

It took me a little longer than I expected to get, but I think I am almost at the clearing at the end of the pass.  I am already starting to realize that being with the terrible ex for a year taught me some really valuable life lessons... .and at a relatively cheap cost.  I also am very thankful and very lucky that I never heard from her.  fro a while there I probably would have gone back to her for more abuse, but at a minimum, I would have engaged with her.   

So if you're just out or maybe a couple months out of one of these terrible relationships hang in there.  It gets better.  We all deserve better than to be with one of these monsters.  There are decent people out there that will treat you well and respect you. 

[lawman79]

Hi Board,

So I am 8 months and I thought I would update everyone on where I am.  As some may recall I was an uBPDexgf off and on for a little over a year.  She was the abusive angry violent type.  Things ended in early January after a blow out fight, and I have not heard from her since.  I have not contacted her either.


So I think I am finally in the place that I hoped to be.  She is well in my rear view mirror.  Yes I still think about her everyday, but only in passing.  A couple of months ago it was nearly all the time.  I also have learned to recognize red flags in relationships and not tolerate abuse, immaturity and selfish behavior.  I have been dating a lot, and for the last month, I have been seeing a wonderful young lady.

It's quite amazing.  She is 11 years younger than my exgf (34 vs. 23), yet she is light years ahead in maturity.  All of my friends and family who have met her have immediately commented on this.  She is also much kinder and brighter. 

It took me a little longer than I expected to get, but I think I am almost at the clearing at the end of the pass.  I am already starting to realize that being with the terrible ex for a year taught me some really valuable life lessons... .and at a relatively cheap cost.  I also am very thankful and very lucky that I never heard from her.  fro a while there I probably would have gone back to her for more abuse, but at a minimum, I would have engaged with her.   

So if you're just out or maybe a couple months out of one of these terrible relationships hang in there.  It gets better.  We all deserve better than to be with one of these monsters.  There are decent people out there that will treat you well and respect you. 

[enlighten me]

Hi Lawman

Glad to see your doing well. Its also nice to see a post like this as theres plenty of people that need to know there is light at the end of the tunnel and its not a train.

[HappyNihilist]

  Hi lawman - we're glad you came back to give us an update! It's always great to see positive updates. I know that when I was fresh out of my relationship, these types of posts gave me a lot of comfort and hope.

I'm glad you're doing well, and reflecting upon the valuable life lessons you gained from your r/s with your exgf. These types of relationships have a lot to teach us about ourselves. It's great that you've learned and healed as you have so far. It really does get better.

Would you maybe be interested in sharing one or two things you learned that were so valuable for you? I would enjoy hearing some of what you've learned, and I'm sure a lot of 'newbies' would as well.

 

So if you're just out or maybe a couple months out of one of these terrible relationships hang in there.  It gets better. 

Thank you again for the update and encouragement!

[lawman79]

So lessons learned:

-Don't ignore red flags... .evaluate them.

-We all move out at our pace, recovering was not a linear process. It was 2 steps forward and 1 step back.

-There are 7 billion other people out there, there is no reason to accept abusive.

-We do not cause the pwBPD's behavior.  They behaved this way before they met us and will continue to behave destructively after we are long gone.  They don't get better after we leave... .they will NEVER get better.

-I would rather be alone then be with my abusive exgf.

[Lucky Jim]

So lessons learned:

-Don't ignore red flags... .evaluate them.

-We all move out at our pace, recovering was not a linear process. It was 2 steps forward and 1 step back.

-There are 7 billion other people out there, there is no reason to accept abusive.

-We do not cause the pwBPD's behavior.  They behaved this way before they met us and will continue to behave destructively after we are long gone.  They don't get better after we leave... .they will NEVER get better.

-I would rather be alone then be with my abusive exgf.

Nicely put, lawman79.  I would add: listen to your gut feelings.  LJ

[rotiroti]

Way to go lawman79! So great to see a positive update, that realization that life goes on and that we won't make the same mistakes again is such a powerful lesson!

[monkeygirl555]

Absolutely - they don't get better after we leave - they will never get better. Couldn't have put it more perfectly.