The struggle is real

[baseball nut]

My oldest daughter is 23... .soon to be 24. She was originally diagnosed at 13 with bipolar disorder. Last year she was re-diagnosed with BPD. Almost a year ago, she lost her job, her vehicle was repossessed and I became her sole source of support. If she did find a job, I would be responsible for getting her to and from, because her anxiety prevents her from riding public transportation.

I am reading everything in sight, trying to understand how to manage the extremes, but I don't learn by reading and I'm struggling in a major way. Almost everything I say upsets her in one way or another. I am a single mom of two, the youngest being 15. I get child support for the youngest, but even with that help, my salary doesn't quite stretch every month.

Things like cigarettes for the oldest and her need to constantly travel to another state (2 hours away) to be with friends, when while she's there, she feeds everyone and drives them around... .are unmerciful on my finances. If I say no, she attacks me verbally, blaming me for playing favorites because I pay for groceries for my youngest to take to school for lunch.

I'm not even sure what I'm asking for here. Maybe just to vent to someone who understands.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi baseball nut  

Glad you are here!

"The struggle is real"... .ain't that the truth!

Sounds like you are unsure of being able to withstand the storm if you say "No" to her.  What might the fallout be?  Sometimes breaking it down into possible outcomes based on past behaviors helps us realize we can withstand the fallout.

When we have the skills and knowledge to deal with the fallout we are empowered to set boundaries, say no, enforce consequences, support and not enable and take back some control over our own lives.  

I'm a hands on kinda gal so I get what you mean about not learning by reading.

Good news here is that you can get feedback from others and ask questions.  Sometimes we even ask questions like "how would I say ------" or "how do I state the boundary of -----?" and others will chime in with their thoughts... .all specific to your situation and concerns.

I look forward to hearing more about you and helping where I can.  

lbjnltx

PS... .my daughter was dx at age 12 with MDD, ODD, and emerging BPD.  I have seen her through to the point of recovery (she no longer meets the criteria for BPD), she will be 19 next month.

[AVR1962]

BaseballNut, BPs many times have trouble holding employment and we end up supporting and compensating out of care and love for our children, even as adults who should be responsible for themselves. I do know what you re saying about not being able to say anything without daughter blowing up, this is a control tacit for her, it is her issue, not yours but too many times we own their behavior.

You have to think this thru from a logical stand point which I am sure you have already done. She is nearly 24, wants you to supply her with money for cigarettes and free time with her friends. You realize you do not need that responsibility but cannot figure out ow to address this with daughter because she blows up, right?

Have you thought about a contract with daughter? A contract that is agreed to by both of you as to what she is responsible for. A time-frame in which she is to seek and obtain a job and be responsible for _______? My daughter also did not want to work and she wanted money handed to her. She would have rather ran up a bill and not paid it than work to pay for what sh wanted. I refused to do it but I did it firmly without upset, just stated that this needed to be done to get her on her feet and so she can take on her own responsibility. You have to stress that. As long as she thinks you are available for her endless needs of financial support she will stand there with her hand out. You have to be the one to get it to stop so you have to figure out a way. For my daughter the contract worked. Cannot tell you why as so much has not worked with her.

There may a different solution for your daughter but she needs a boost to help her in the right direction.