Hard thing to deal with

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My daughter who is 2 and a 1/2 told me today that she wanted to "come home" (My house). It surprised me because she usually says daddys house or mommys house but today she kept saying "I want to go home " I only had her for 2 hrs today so I couldn't take her to my house. My daughter has really started to get closer to me lately, I had been feeling like my ex was winning with the PA but this has given me a lot of hope and confirmation that I'm doing some things right

Last Friday It was my weekend and I had to meet my ex at the E.R. because my daughter was sick, when I got there my daughter spent the entire time glued to me and not her mom. This surprised me because usually kids want mom more then dad when they are sick

[Eco]

My daughter who is 2 and a 1/2 told me today that she wanted to "come home" (My house). It surprised me because she usually says daddys house or mommys house but today she kept saying "I want to go home " I only had her for 2 hrs today so I couldn't take her to my house. My daughter has really started to get closer to me lately, I had been feeling like my ex was winning with the PA but this has given me a lot of hope and confirmation that I'm doing some things right

Last Friday It was my weekend and I had to meet my ex at the E.R. because my daughter was sick, when I got there my daughter spent the entire time glued to me and not her mom. This surprised me because usually kids want mom more then dad when they are sick

[Turkish]

I've gotten that, too, the home thing. D3 still waffles back and forth. Sometimes she'll say "I want mommy," but I just had them for two days and she didn't say that...

S5 was angry at church a few weeks ago. I noticed that he leaned on me a lot more than his mom. I was the one who kept trying to get him to go to Sunday school. I wasn't harsh, but I said more than a few times, "ok, but if you don't go, you're going to sit here bored with me and mommy. No! You can't play games on my phone either."

I thought he would go to his mom, but he mostly laid on me. I ran it by a T, who said something like, "as vs father, you're his White Knight who rescues him from enmeshment with his mother so he can become an independent person." I thought that was interesting.

[david]

My ex is a nurse and when our boys are sick they contact me if they are with their mom. They trust what I say and don't trust what their mom says. They have expressed that thought multiple times. I can't explain that to their mom because she will dysregulate over that.

[Swiggle]

It is such a great feeling when we know that the positive stuff we do will win out over the negative. I will never forget when my SS8 made his communion. He was at uBPD mom's house the morning of and we met at the church. SS looked upset about something and we could tell he was nervous. He had to sit on the end so he could exit for all the different things during the service. So the seating went SS, uBPDmom, mom's boy toy, SD, DH and then me. Mom was doing all things possible to try and keep SS from talking to his dad. At one point when SS came back around and had to walk past us DH motioned that he could stand between us and he did. All the while Mom was glaring at him and us. While standing with us I put my hand on his back and at one point my hand on his while standing up during the prayer. His dad was showing this type of affection as well and instantly he was much calmer and more relaxed.

He finally went back by his mom because he had to exit the row again. What I noticed the entire time he stood by his mother was she showed him absolutely affection she didn't touch him, comfort him or even offer her hand for comfort. I was so sad for him that day, but knowing that his dad and I could give him that made it a little better.

Keep at it ECO. Even when you might think you might be losing out to the PA, that's probably not the case.

[Panda39]

Keep at it ECO. Even when you might think you might be losing out to the PA, that's probably not the case.

I second that 

During a transition from uBPDmom to a visit with dad my SO's daughters would act out and I always felt it was because they walked on eggshells around their mother and couldn't be themselves. They knew that dad loved them just the way they are and they could vent, and act like little pains in the butt, and dad was not going to withdraw his love. Unfortunately for my SO he had to take the brunt of their obnoxious behavior but he was able to take it and turn it around unlike mom who would reject them and emotionally withdraw affection if they didn't do what she wanted.

It wouldn't take long for his daughters to settle down into the routine at dad's house. 

So just be that consistent loving presence and you too can get the brunt of your daughter's frustration with her mom    Just teasing... .seriously keep doing what you're doing.

Panda39

[Eco]

I can't explain that to their mom because she will dysregulate over that.

That's the frustrating part for me as well, my ex will do the same thing

It is such a great feeling when we know that the positive stuff we do will win out over the negative.

It definitely is, it was just the thing I needed to get recharged again.

He finally went back by his mom because he had to exit the row again. What I noticed the entire time he stood by his mother was she showed him absolutely affection she didn't touch him, comfort him or even offer her hand for comfort. I was so sad for him that day, but knowing that his dad and I could give him that made it a little better.

that's so sad

Keep at it ECO. Even when you might think you might be losing out to the PA, that's probably not the case.

Thank you for the support

So just be that consistent loving presence and you too can get the brunt of your daughter's frustration with her mom  grin  Just teasing... .seriously keep doing what you're doing

Thanks for the encouragement and I look forward to dealing with my daughters frustration

[david]

My ex ran away in 2007. The first few years were the toughest on everyone including our boys. When I picked them up from her place they would be absolute maniacs on the ride home. It took them about 45 minutes to become themselves again. That was very trying for me too because I knew they didn't know how to handle what was going on. I stayed consistent and learned how to validate. Eventually the transition became much less stressful for them and they don't need time to readjust. There are times when their mom is more dysregulated but the transition time is only about 5 minutes.

Ex actually had a T for them back in 2008. The first time I went they were acting out in ways I never seen before. After we left I talked to them about their behavior. It was a very productive discussion. The next time we went they were their normal selves. The T even took me aside and said she never saw that behavior before. I explained that this was their normal behavior when with me and the last time I had just picked them up at their moms. After a few more meetings ex decided the T wasn't any good. I believe the T figured ex out and that was the real dilemma for ex.

[Eco]

My ex ran away in 2007. The first few years were the toughest on everyone including our boys. When I picked them up from her place they would be absolute maniacs on the ride home. It took them about 45 minutes to become themselves again. That was very trying for me too because I knew they didn't know how to handle what was going on. I stayed consistent and learned how to validate. Eventually the transition became much less stressful for them and they don't need time to readjust. There are times when their mom is more dysregulated but the transition time is only about 5 minutes.

Ex actually had a T for them back in 2008. The first time I went they were acting out in ways I never seen before. After we left I talked to them about their behavior. It was a very productive discussion. The next time we went they were their normal selves. The T even took me aside and said she never saw that behavior before. I explained that this was their normal behavior when with me and the last time I had just picked them up at their moms. After a few more meetings ex decided the T wasn't any good. I believe the T figured ex out and that was the real dilemma for ex.

When I pick my daughter up from ex it takes about 5 min and then it looks like a ton of weight has been lifted from her shoulders, shes at ease and looks worry free. Its the opposite effect when I bring her back to ex, she looks worried and anxious.

The new daycare has figured out ex as well as she had her first meltdown with them. It usually only takes 3 weeks before she cant hold the façade up anymore.  Ex wanted the daycare to have me contact her when I got my daughter, they relayed that to me and I texted ex when I got my daughter. Ex was furious that I texted her and didn't call, when ex was  barking at the director that I should have been told to call not text the director said " he contacted you right? yes. well I'm not splitting hairs with you!" Thats the best way to handle my ex, validation only seems to trigger her more so she has to be shut down firmly and quickly or she runs you over 10 times

[Eco]

I got my daughter yesterday for visitation and the first thing she said was "I wanna go home " she asked me 4 more times before I took her back to the daycare. Each time I explained to her that she can come home this weekend, she is so sad about it.  She is really struggling with this,  when I called to talk to her last weekend she after I said I would see her on Wednesday she said " and we go home " I try and stay positive and talk about all the fun things we will do and it seems to help for a few minutes. She had some sinus issues yesterday and she didn't feel well, she seems to want to be with me when she is sick so that may be why she was wanting to go home with me. Also like I anticipated my ex has started to  paint my daughter black because she isn't rejecting me and my ex no doubt feels that my daughter is picking me over her. Any advice on how to help my daughter with this?