Hi.. and help

[johnnyb]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for being here. Really, thank you - it's always wonderful to see such a supportive community. Big hugs to all.

Anyhow, until a couple days ago I was in a four year relationship with my uBPDgf. It was very much what I read in so many of other peoples stories here, and I've also spent a lot of time reading and learning about BPD that (in my mind) there was no doubt it is BPD.

The relationship was... .turbulent. Very. But I feel that I was a large part of that, at least initially. I didn't respond well to the things I now recognize are BPD - though it was more subtle at first (is that common btw? How often can BPD emerge later in the relationship, but with early signs?)

So - there's a lot I blame myself for. For example, I had an awful habit of kicking her out of our house when I'd had enough. And name calling. Ugh, hard to even say those things - carrying a lot of shame over it.

A couple months back, after a few months of escalating emotional abuse from her, I finally put together some pieces and found out about BPD. I subsequently made the mistake of saying "Hey honey, I found out what's wrong with you!" Derp. Let's just chalk that up to rookie mistake. Regardless, I plowed ahead and started learning about it and techniques to work with it, etc. But holy heck its hard. And harder still, I think, is when it's undiagnosed and there's nobody to meet you halfway. She's on medication and has been to counselling a couple times, but I honestly believe the medication has made things worse. At the very least, there's a time correlation between when she started the medication and she started getting meaner, angrier and just less empathetic. The biggest problem I've ever had was not that she did hurtful things, it's that she refused to acknowledge them or correct her behaviour (I know, extremely common with BPD).

So I tried the techniques anyhow. I tried establishing boundaries. TRAMPLED. I tried other things as well but they either didn't go well or I found them very difficult because, dammit, there was a lot of resentment, pain, anger and confusion still in me.

These last few days she got upset and punished me for not meeting her emotional needs. The hardest part is it was over something I was trying my darnedest to do - drop everything when she comes in the door and spend 15 or more minutes talking about her day. I did it, almost every day... .but that one day I didn't it was hostility and anger and punishment. It's so difficult to get blamed for that - it is still irking me. I run a startup and I'm extraordinarily busy and she doesn't come home at regular hours, but I do drop everything 9 days out of 10 (of course from a BPD perspective, that means I NEVER do ANYTHING and I haven't looked her in the eyes for months)

So I got upset, argument ensued, and the fallout was she shut herself in the bedroom for a couple days, lashed out and stonewalled me over text, then took off to her parents several hours away for the weekend. By that point she'd dumped me (that happens every month or so) and told me she'd be signing a lease elsewhere within the next two days.

So I wrote a very long email saying "look, I've had enough". I don't think I meant it, though. It was my own cry for help - just so tired of getting kicked around. No response, and she came home strolling in a little ball of fury 3 days later. Huge fight - I screamed, I even physically pushed her out out the door (so much shame). Now it's been two days, and a few email exchanges where I can see that she'll never take responsibility for hurting me, and I'm... .well... .lost.

I really thought I had this. Everything I've read - Yeah, I can do that! Go Johnny! And then I fell into her tailspin again and came out the bad guy. And every damn point I ever had has been completely invalidated by my own awful actions.

Now I'm not sure about anything. I don't know if I was lying to myself, that I really couldn't do it. I don't know... .maybe I am the bad guy. I never thought so before, and it's so much weight to carry. Or maybe I should just run the heck away.

But what if... .what if I really should be fighting for this with everything I have? I know... .but it isn't that. It's evolved into co-dependency on my part, I think - another thing that's fairly new to me - but there is something so much more. I could write a book about her, there's just so much wonderful. And even in spite of the ridiculously turbulent relationship, there was so much connection and we really did help each other to become better beings.

So my final question... .does BPD end up encompassing the relationship? I mean... .is it hopeless? Or can it, will it evolve into something better?

And I ask these things in the context of not knowing where things stand. It's possible, maybe even likely, this is it and I've been painted forever black. Or maybe I did too much damage this time - I'd said I'd stop kicking her out as a response, but it almost seems like she'll attack and get more and more cruel until she ends up with that response.

Cripes, I didn't mean to write so much. Thank you for reading the ramblings of a lost soul.

[OnceConfused]

does BPD end up encompassing the relationship? I mean... .is it hopeless? Or can it, will it evolve into something better?

I think you know the answer already from all the posts here. I have not seen nor read here that BPD will evolve into something better. BPD is a mental illness that is not getting better by itself with time.

Do you think the r.s can be rekindled  or the pain and anger have been so deep that the scar will never heal ?

If you feel the pain, anger, frustration and confusion are too much and too difficult to erase or forgive then it is time to start afresh with a new r.s.

[rotiroti]

Hi johnnyb!

So my final question... .does BPD end up encompassing the relationship? I mean... .is it hopeless? Or can it, will it evolve into something better?

What are you looking for in the relationship? There are many stories of people who stayed who have had satisfying experiences. It's important to keep realistic expectations that BPD is extremely difficult to treat and that you will have to be the one to accomodate to every situation. It truly is a lifestyle to be with a pwBPD.

[johnnyb]

What are you looking for in the relationship? There are many stories of people who stayed who have had satisfying experiences. It's important to keep realistic expectations that BPD is extremely difficult to treat and that you will have to be the one to accomodate to every situation. It truly is a lifestyle to be with a pwBPD.

I guess that's the crux.

I know it would be extremely difficult. I thought I'd prepared myself for that, but then I couldn't maintain myself through the latest episode. I lost myself and responded with my own abusive behaviour after several days of maintaining relative composure.

It is the relationship I want. Not because of codependency, but because it has been a deep and meaningful relationship up until the last few months. She's an amazing woman in every way.  I wanted to learn my part and the tools and techniques, but it is so difficult... .To relate to the BPD perspective, to validate when under attack, to have your own feelings and emotions constantly invalidated. Gah.

I guess my biggest worry is that I won't be able to do it. And, well, I wouldn't really have any excuses because I know what I'm getting into to a large extent. I'm responsible for my actions and responses, and I'm genuinely tired of feeling the guilt that goes along with the lousy ways I've dealt with it in the past.

[rotiroti]

That's really admirable to have that kind of insight, but you should also know that you are not responsible for your partner's feelings.

It's also easy for the nons to split the pwBPD as well, to overlook that the pwBPD is a whole person made up of both the good and the bad. I would've almost thought you were describing two completely different women from what you wrote

As you mentioned you are going into it fully knowing what to expect... .

You should definitely post over on the staying board, lots of veterans over there and they will help you hone your coping skills. The lessons on there are excellent as well