Black Hole

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The way things have been lately, even since he's now saying that he wants our marriage to work, I'm still noticing that all the annoying, and irritating traits are still there. He's still doing passive aggressive nonsense all the time. I'd like to say it doesn't hurt me, and I hide it from him, but it does to some extent. Plus, and this is the biggest thing, I feel like anything I do for him or put into the relationship is like tossing something valuable into a huge black hole.

He's the black hole. It's like his only emotions are anger, and fake charm. I've watched a lot of videos of people that have BPD, and they seem to have lots of emotions. Varied emotions. BPDh isn't really like that. It just feels and seems like something is missing in his psyche. He doesn't notice good I do, nor does he appreciate it. From reading on here, I get the feeling that a lot of you have way more normal(relative term, I know) rs/marriage than we do. I know it's rather normal for the non to not be appreciated, but it's really just the combination of all the things he does.

He needs constant stimulation or he falls asleep. He always wants to be busy yet we never seem to connect. I feel like I'm in an emotional wasteland. The only emotions he really displays are ugly emotions. What's weird though, is he really can't connect with ME, but he'll get all choked up over a movie? It's like he gets more involved in fantasy than real life. He has nowhere near that compassion for me, and he seems to lack all empathy. I don't even think he has much of a conscience, which does not seem typical to BPD?

I just know I'm tired. Tired of giving and getting nothing back. Tired of being let down. Tired of trying to live up to impossible expectations of his, and he's still never happy(I've actually stopped trying).

And most of all, I'm sick of the head games he plays. I can't count on any level of consistency from him, and I hate that. I married him because he was all these good things he portrayed, and it was all FAKE, and a big act. I try hard to not resent him, and I'm mostly successful, but I'm tired, and no amount of doing my own thing, or keeping myself busy helps being tired of the crap he does... .

[Ceruleanblue]

The way things have been lately, even since he's now saying that he wants our marriage to work, I'm still noticing that all the annoying, and irritating traits are still there. He's still doing passive aggressive nonsense all the time. I'd like to say it doesn't hurt me, and I hide it from him, but it does to some extent. Plus, and this is the biggest thing, I feel like anything I do for him or put into the relationship is like tossing something valuable into a huge black hole.

He's the black hole. It's like his only emotions are anger, and fake charm. I've watched a lot of videos of people that have BPD, and they seem to have lots of emotions. Varied emotions. BPDh isn't really like that. It just feels and seems like something is missing in his psyche. He doesn't notice good I do, nor does he appreciate it. From reading on here, I get the feeling that a lot of you have way more normal(relative term, I know) rs/marriage than we do. I know it's rather normal for the non to not be appreciated, but it's really just the combination of all the things he does.

He needs constant stimulation or he falls asleep. He always wants to be busy yet we never seem to connect. I feel like I'm in an emotional wasteland. The only emotions he really displays are ugly emotions. What's weird though, is he really can't connect with ME, but he'll get all choked up over a movie? It's like he gets more involved in fantasy than real life. He has nowhere near that compassion for me, and he seems to lack all empathy. I don't even think he has much of a conscience, which does not seem typical to BPD?

I just know I'm tired. Tired of giving and getting nothing back. Tired of being let down. Tired of trying to live up to impossible expectations of his, and he's still never happy(I've actually stopped trying).

And most of all, I'm sick of the head games he plays. I can't count on any level of consistency from him, and I hate that. I married him because he was all these good things he portrayed, and it was all FAKE, and a big act. I try hard to not resent him, and I'm mostly successful, but I'm tired, and no amount of doing my own thing, or keeping myself busy helps being tired of the crap he does... .

[TheRealJongoBong]

You need a hug CB  , because it never does really stop.  My relationship with my uBPDw is every bit as inconsistent as yours. I wake up every morning and come home every night wondering who is going to be there. Will it be my wife, the nice one who seems fairly normal? Will it be the one who's off in some dream and can't be reached? Will it be the one who actively hates me and doesn't hesitate to show it? Will it be the one in the heights of paranoia who thinks I'm out to get her?

He has nowhere near that compassion for me, and he seems to lack all empathy. I don't even think he has much of a conscience, which does not seem typical to BPD?

This is also spot on. There really is no compassion, no empathy, and the conscience is as variable as the personality is. As my sister in law puts it "It's always about (uBPDw). It always has been, ever since we were little."

It's like he gets more involved in fantasy than real life.

Wow, isn't that the truth. My wife's main fantasy is that nothing in the world is real, it's all a dream that she is making up. She is quite convinced that since it is all fake she doesn't really have to do anything she doesn't want to, and that all she need do is what "spirit" tells her.

My hope now is that her latest outburst that put her in the psych ward will get her some therapy that will help. Maybe the meds they're going to prescribe will help too. We'll see.

Hang in there!

[Fian]

I wanted to comment on the crying during movies.  I am pretty stoic, but after my mom died (20 years ago), I started to cry during movies.  It is rather silly - just the music makes me cry.  Now your husband may be entirely different, but I think it is good that he has some outlet where he is able to cry.

[Fian]

One thing about empathy.  From what I have read, people with BPD have a difficult time with empathy.  To put it in a different way, people in pain have a difficult time with empathy.  They are so wrapped up in their own pain that they have a hard time noticing the pain of others.

[Skip]

We're moving this to Undecided for you to work through your feeling on whether to go forward or to step away.

I just know I'm tired. Tired of giving and getting nothing back. Tired of being let down. Tired of trying to live up to impossible expectations of his, and he's still never happy(I've actually stopped trying).