CE called DH yesterday and set a meeting for tomorrow

[Thunderstruck]

Out of the blue, the CE called DH yesterday and set a meeting for tomorrow. (For those unaware, we have been waiting on a CE report for MONTHS).

uBPDbm has been acting a bit odd this week. She was telling SD10 that she bought her $450 of electronics for Christmas and a new violin ("but maybe your father can pitch in for lessons"   ). For someone who claims to never have money, this is very odd.

Then uBPDbm told SD10 they were going to look at a new apartment. They've been living in a one bedroom for 2.5 years now (sharing a bed) and her lease isn't up until December/January.

I don't know if uBPDbm's odd behavior is related to the CE contacting them (I'm guessing/HOPING it's to go over the finished report before she files it). It's making me uneasy.

[Nope]

It's hard when you can't see any part of the other side of the investigation.

When our GAL did the CE she brought up issues she saw with the living situation during the home inspection. She did a home inspection and told BPDm what DH's concerns were about the living conditions. (No smoke detectors in a house heated by a pellet stove, no doors on any of the bedrooms, the two opposite sex kids sharing a room, the house in general disrepair, etc.)

Then the GAL did a second home inspection two weeks later giving BPDm a chance to fix what she could to make it more liveable. Although there were some improvements, the living conditions still were not acceptable. The GAL's report reflected that all of this had occurred, but we knew nothing about it until we had the report in hand. So you'll probably have an easier time piecing together reasons why she's doing what she's doing once you get the report.

BPDm made some improvements to the house, bought both kids several hundred dollars worth of new clothes and showed the receipt to the GAL, started a vegetable garden in her back yard (we complained that she was feeding the Arby's every night) and all of that still made no difference in the GALs recommendation. Since you've heard the CE is good, hopefully she won't fall for transparent short-term changes either.

[Thunderstruck]

It's hard when you can't see any part of the other side of the investigation.

When our GAL did the CE she brought up issues she saw with the living situation during the home inspection. She did a home inspection and told BPDm what DH's concerns were about the living conditions. (No smoke detectors in a house heated by a pellet stove, no doors on any of the bedrooms, the two opposite sex kids sharing a room, the house in general disrepair, etc.)

Then the GAL did a second home inspection two weeks later giving BPDm a chance to fix what she could to make it more liveable. Although there were some improvements, the living conditions still were not acceptable. The GAL's report reflected that all of this had occurred, but we knew nothing about it until we had the report in hand. So you'll probably have an easier time piecing together reasons why she's doing what she's doing once you get the report.

BPDm made some improvements to the house, bought both kids several hundred dollars worth of new clothes and showed the receipt to the GAL, started a vegetable garden in her back yard (we complained that she was feeding the Arby's every night) and all of that still made no difference in the GALs recommendation. Since you've heard the CE is good, hopefully she won't fall for transparent short-term changes either.

I'm thinking that's it. We mentioned to the CE that we wanted to have SD10 for a majority of the week because we want her to be in activities instead of home alone. I can see how that would prompt uBPDbm to suddenly buy a violin and ask us to pay for lessons.

The sudden apartment hunting happening at the same time... .Yeah, it definitely seems prompted by something.

At first I panicked, thinking that she was making all of these changes because she was on an upswing or something. I was freaking out that the report would now be stale by the time we got to court, and that we'd have spent all this money on something no longer relevant. UGH!

But if it's prompted by uBPDbm talking to the CE... .that makes sense.

[ForeverDad]

I can see how that would prompt uBPDbm to suddenly buy a violin and ask us to pay for lessons.

Even with that, note the lack of appropriate communication.  She should have first determined if lessons would be paid before buying a musical instrument.  Her choice was made without consultation and she thereafter expects the other parent to feel obligated to jump and pay based on her choice.  He has no obligation to agree.  Is it one of the $35 models on eBay?  If so, then lessons would cost far more than the violin.  More importantly, is it an instrument SD wants to learn?

[PinkieV]

My DH's uBPDew "bought" a cello for SS15 - then 13, and expected my DH to pay half.  We were about ready to file for emergency custody should she go to jail for an outstanding charge, and had been doing some research.  Previously, my DH would just deposit money in her account when she texted an amount.  Well, this time, he asked for a receipt.  She texted the amount again. He asked for the receipt again.  She e-mailed a link to the so-called purchased cello from Amazon.  He asked a third time for the receipt, and she texted him from SS's phone asking "dad, why don't you want me to play cello?".

After DH got custody, we got to see the cello.  FD is right, but I think $50 would have been overkill for this thing.  It broke soon after we got it home.

Thunderstruck, I hope you get a good report today, after all the waiting.  I agree with Nope that it sounds like your BM is desperately trying to "make it all better".

[Nope]

I can see how that would prompt uBPDbm to suddenly buy a violin and ask us to pay for lessons.

Even with that, note the lack of appropriate communication.  She should have first determined if lessons would be paid before buying a musical instrument.  Her choice was made without consultation and she thereafter expects the other parent to feel obligated to jump and pay based on her choice.  He has no obligation to agree.  Is it one of the $35 models on eBay?  If so, then lessons would cost far more than the violin.  More importantly, is it an instrument SD wants to learn?

More really good points. Unless BPDm contacts SD's dad, "maybe your father will pay for lessons" translates to "Ask your father to pay for lessons" which sticks SD in the middle as a go-between. Exactly what the professionals do not want to see happen. It also makes dad the "bad guy" to the child if he doesn't do it.

Please let us know how this meeting went.

[Thunderstruck]

Please let us know how this meeting went.

We just got a letter from the L today. He said he spoke to the CE and that her report is finished but she would be calling both parties this week for final updates so it wouldn't be stale. He's a little late to tell us, since DH already got the call from the CE.

So far the CE called and talked to DH for about five minutes.

She said SD10 says different things when uBPDbm brings her to appointments than when DH brings her to appointments (no surprise, I had thought CE already called CPS about uBPDbm coaching SD10). CE is wanting a neutral 3rd party to bring SD10 back in to talk to the CE.

DH told the CE about a bad exchange we had a few weeks ago, where uBPDbm didn't follow the court order to stay in her car, approached the car, pulled SD10 out of it while it was still moving, and was screaming obscenities. CE asked for the recording we have of this incident.

Then the CE said she wanted to go back through her notes of something that I had said when they interviewed me, and that she would call DH back. So far she hasn't called back yet.

[Thunderstruck]

Oh, and she said it was something in her personal life that was making the report take so long.

[Nope]

Oh, and she said it was something in her personal life that was making the report take so long.

It sounds like the CE gets it. Right now that's all that matters. Also sounds like she is incredibly thorough.

[PinkieV]

Sounds good so far.   

[ForeverDad]

CE is wanting a neutral 3rd party to bring SD10 back in to talk to the CE.

Years ago when my son was in kindergarten CPS needed to interview my son.  They did it at school, a supposedly neutral location.  I say supposedly because she dropped him off and picked him up.  Fortunately it worked out well, but I considered it a risk.

I believe a 10 year old can still be afraid to speak openly.  I brought my son (after years in and out of court) to see the magistrate with GAL present.  I stayed outside.  (GAL and court just happened to schedule a time so that I was the one bringing him in.)  Son refused to advocate for either parent but the magistrate reported in the decision that he was more comfortable speaking about me.

Let's hope it is handled carefully and perceptively.

[Panda39]

Thuderstruck,

So glad there is finally some movement on the CE   

Hoping all goes well,

Panda39

[Thunderstruck]

DH talked more to the CE on Saturday. He sent her the video from the bad exchange a few weeks ago. She asked what he could have done to make it go better. The CE asked a bit about our baby (I’m due very soon) and if SD10 was excited. The CE spent most of the time asking about DH’s alcohol use.

It sounds like the big claim from uBPDbm is that DH is an alcoholic and does drugs. When the CE interviewed me, I said he used to smoke pot when he was young (before SD10 even came along) but doesn't anymore. He also admitted to this. We’ve both taken, and passed, drug tests both with CPS and with the CE. I said currently he'll have a beer or two with dinner or at social events. They asked me how often SD10 sees him drunk. I said maybe a time or two per month. Apparently my idea of "drunk" is after having a few drinks (and I specified how many drinks he would have on these occasions), whereas the CEs idea of "drunk" is pass-out, fall down, binge drinking. I may have gotten us into a sticky situation. DH is nervous, thinking he was negatively portrayed (and by me!  ).

CE said that an appointment was already scheduled for SD10 to be brought in. DH had no idea about it. He sent three messages (all ignored) to uBPDbm trying to discuss and agree to a "neutral party". Then he sent a letter to the CE voicing his objection and saying maybe it would be a good idea for the CE to interview SD10 at the school.

Yesterday SD10 told me she was going to see the CE. I asked what day and she wasn't sure. I asked who was taking her and she didn't know. So I talked to her about why she's going and explained that neither daddy nor mommy is supposed to take her. I then encouraged her to not be afraid to speak her mind, she won't get in trouble for being honest, and no one is taking her away from either parent. At her nightly call to uBPDbm, SD10 asked her when her appointment with the CE is and uBPDbm refused to answer. Then SD10 asked uBPDbm who will be taking her and uBPDbm replied ":)id your dad tell you to ask me that?" and wouldn't answer SD10. So she is DEFINITELY trying to be shady.

uBPDbm is apparently moving into a condo with a single man who she may or may not be seeing romantically (I think he thinks of her as a friend but she is interested in him). On the plus side, SD10 will now have her own room. On the down side, we don’t know where this place is located or if it is still in SD10s school district (that’s issue number one). Issue number two is this guy that we don’t know living with SD10. He’s dating around, which isn’t really cool to expose SD10 to. It sounds like a weird situation. It doesn’t sound like a stable situation, I don’t know if we should mention it to the CE or not?

The CE said she’s going to incorporate these final changes into the report. She said it’s ok to send her any information, but to try not to bombard her so she can finish up. She has a phone call with uBPDbm that should be taking place this week. uBPDbm is currently putting on the facade of "I'm mother of the year and he's (DH is) a crazy contentious person" so I'm feeling uneasy right now.

[ForeverDad]

If you do communicate with the CE again, perhaps you should, you can clarify that your prior description of being drunk is only that the effects are just 'noticeable' such as the driving 0.8 levels - which a few drinks or beers can do.

As for who is bringing D10, be aware that biomom is likely to ride along and wait outside or around the block.  She will feel she cooperated if she just had the neutral party walk D in the CE's door.

[Swiggle]

It sounds like you are worried about the language you used and feel you got your DH in sticky situation with your description of "drunk". I agree with Forevedad that a follow up might not be a bad idea. One thing that my T helped DH and I understand about the drinking is this. We had explained that uBPDmom can't drink without getting fall down pass out drunk, every single time. She is incapable of having just one or two. This was clear for my DH's entire 15 odd years relationship with the ex. Now, we aren't sure if she drinks in front of the kids at all or if they have seen her drunk but we did see a text from her once to her mom (who was going to some event) and SD12 said to mom "don't get to drunk" followed by a bunch of beer mug icons, so we are guessing she is aware of mom's drinking habits. That is the backstory

DH and I don't drink much, I would say maybe 3 beers a month. If there were times on occasion that we would drink more it was always at a time when the kids were at the other parent's house. We talked to the T about all of this because if there was ever a time that the kids saw us drink, just one drink, they would assume we were getting drunk. I think we stared to unconsciously not drink when the kids were with. The T explained that SD and SS's ideas of drinking and getting drunk were probably coming from environment when with mom. They have seen mom's boyfriend drunk many times and her family drinks and gets drunk at most family functions. T went on to help us understand that because we drink responsibly that it is ok to let the kids see that side of drinking. It helps them understand and learn that enjoying a drink doesn't = getting hammered. If all they ever see is drinking = drunk they might assume that you have to drink until you're drunk.

Could you say something to the CE that while there are different opinions about what "drunk" is that any drinking that takes place is done responsibly and that you wouldn't be able to really tell if DH were "drunk" because he isn't passing out or other signs of being hamered. I don't think that I would equate 2 beers to being drunk. But you can talk about how he handles it responsibly if/when he has more than he should have when it comes to driving. This lets the CE know that he can drink responsibly and manage it appropriately. Just some thoughts.

[Thunderstruck]

If you do communicate with the CE again, perhaps you should, you can clarify that your prior description of being drunk is only that the effects are just 'noticeable' such as the driving 0.8 levels - which a few drinks or beers can do.

As for who is bringing D10, be aware that biomom is likely to ride along and wait outside or around the block.  She will feel she cooperated if she just had the neutral party walk D in the CE's door.

I don't think I'll get the opportunity to talk to the CE again, and I don't know if it's worth pushing the point (because then we're over-explaining which might make us sound guilty. heh).

DH and I said the same thing, that uBPDbm will probably drive and just have her "neutral" person walk SD10 into the CEs office. DH brought that up as part of his objection to the CE. I don't know if it makes us sound paranoid but by the way uBPDbm is acting... .it's probably spot on.

[Nope]

The CE needs it in her report that she took all of each party's claims seriously. Remember, DH doesn't have to be perfect. The benefits of moving the child must far outweigh any negative impact from changing her routine. The CE asked what DH could have done differently to get a gauge on how much better things would be if he was left in charge. Meaning, would he take responsibility and would he be considerate of his ex's feelings. If not then it falls on the court to be more careful in safeguarding BPD mom's rights.

I think the ex has done a great job of showing the CE that she is obstructive so I don't think your DH was out of line in mentioning his concerns. If this CE is perceptive she'll know something is up pretty quick as kids are pretty ambivalent when left alone but pretty strongly opinionated after having been worked over by an alienating parent.

I would absolutely bring up this move and your concerns about it with the CE. Make sure you do mention that it's better for SD to have her own room, but that this situation is still far from ideal. Also, you need the CE to find out if the new place is in the same school system as there really is almost no point of leaving SD primarily with her mom if it isn't, so that would be very important to know.

[ForeverDad]

And unless Biomom has a lease, her residence in the man's condo is not at all secure.  One fight and she could be out.  Moving child out of the school system ought to be an issue.  However, if DH becomes Residential Parent for School Purposes, then whether mother moves inside or outside the school district would be a moot issue.  After all, he's not opposed to mother's moves as much as he's opposed to mother's moves impacting D10 adversely.

[Thunderstruck]

When DH left uBPDbm, she basically retained primary custody by default and he's had to fight to get a consistent schedule. Currently in the temp order we have 50/50 and shared parenting. DH is seeking primary and I don't even know what uBPDbm is seeking. Her PP is chaos.

SD10 is in her final year in her elementary school. After that, DH doesn't like the middle school in that district. DH and I don't live in SD10s school district (it's one advantage uBPDbm has over us) so technically she is the residential parent for school (although that is not explicitly stated in the temp order). We also don't particularly like the middle school in our district. So... .we're selling our house and moving into a better school district (if need be we can change that to move into SD10s school district, we haven't sold or bought anything yet. We're waiting to make our decision based on the CEs recommendation, which keeps getting delayed!).

Our original hope/plan was to have this stuff wrapped up before the school year started, so we could transfer SD10 before she started this year (on the hope that we'd be getting the decision making for school). Now SD10 has already started so we'd want to keep her where she is until the end of the school year. Then we would want to transfer her to the middle school in the district of our new residence.

uBPDbm is moving in November. If it's still in the same school district then fine, it wouldn't be a change from where we're at now. If not then I don't even know how it'll be handled. I'm guessing the CE is still a few weeks away. Then we'd need mediation before we can even go to trial. uBPDbm is going to stall and refuse to provide her address to DH because she'll claim he's abusive. We'll have to end up in court to gain residential status, which will be a gamble. It just sounds like it's going to be a headache for us.

[PinkieV]

While I can appreciate the CE being thorough, taking this long - and admitting to a personal issue

causing the length - is unprofessional.  So is not clarifying "drinking" vs. "drunk".  Not that you

can say that to her, but I think I'd send an e-mail to clarify what you were referring to with your

DH.

[bravhart1]

Hey thunder

Just checking in, hope everything is going well? I didn't know you were expecting, that's very exciting. It also must be very hard to to all this while trying to enjoy your pregnancy. Is this your first?

Hope CE is going well and over soon, this is beyond what you should have to endure. Just so you know if for some reason the CE ends up being bad for you there are lots of ways to over rule it. Ours came back good for us but things aren't going well and our L is telling me lots of ways to get CE re-examined.

All hope is not lost

[scraps66]

I know some here have argued hard to get the title "residential parent" in their orders.  I had tried that and only got as far as a conversation with my L and even she almost didn't realize what I was talking about.  Or, they just never address it in my courthouse.

It does have it's advantages.  If you were the residential parent for school purposes alone school has the obligation to call you, first.  It cold also be the first step toward primary custody.  You could set the precedent that if you so chose to move that you should retain the title of residential parent.  This would give a little bit of control over ex.