Stalking but ignoring..thoughts please?

[Lou12]

Why do some BPDs obsessively stalk you but ignore you or act/say they don't want you at the same time?

My ex BPD lives to far away to physically stalk me but I know for a fact he obsesses about me constantly and stalks me constantly. This is carried out with silent phone calls from unavailable numbers. Calls and texts from random numbers. Social media stalking etc... But what I can't grasp is when I contact him he either ignores me or splits me black within days? Any thought welcome... although please don't question if the stalking is in my mind as I am 100% certain it's him.

X

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Its siimilar to how a child takes care if old toys, or blanky, they have iut grow them but just incase they need it for comfort they want to know its thier. They can understand this, but its how thier minds ooerate

[GreenEyedMonster]

This is very similar to what's happening to me right now.  I know for certain that I'm being watched intermittently online, but all other signs point to being painted very seriously black.

Here are my theories on it.  (And knowing pwBPD, all of these may be true at different times.)

1.)  Triangulation.  Triangulation is basically where the pwBPD has two "significant other" relationships -- one that exists in reality, and the other that exists as potential.  This creates security for the pwBPD because it's as if they always have a "backup plan."  You may currently be the "backup plan" point in the triangle, the one that your pwBPD will fall back on if the current lifestyle doesn't pan out.  He doesn't want you, but in order to feel secure in his current pursuit, he needs to know you're there.  For me, right now, I think that my pwBPD identifies his "real" relationship as being with a group of people he went on a trip with earlier this year, while I am the backup plan.  He's just checking to see if his safety net is there.  The role of the potential person in the triangle is to be the "rejected one" -- this gives the pwBPD the feeling of being in control, or choosing from multiple options.  This kind of self-deception only works if the potential relationship in the triangle has real . . . potential.

2.)  It's a trap.  He's hoping that you will screw up and provide some material to help keep you painted black.  If you see my other threads, you can read about how my pwBPD makes a conscious effort to keep certain people black.  His emotions are unsustainable without constant input.  He may be looking for input to sustain his current mindset about you.

3.)  He is punishing you.  pwBPD have a very strong sense of what they would call "justice" but the rest of us would probably characterize as eye-for-an-eye revenge.  The intent isn't to remove you from his life, but to make you suffer.

Mine *can* physically stalk me, though I haven't seen evidence of that yet.  He definitely has made some efforts to know where I am, with whom, and when, though.  He certainly has the means to physically stalk me in several ways, and justify it to others too.  We'll have to see if it goes that far.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Hi Lou, I and another BPDer have had a similar experience to yours in the last year. In both our cases our relationships were seemingly good and our uBPDexs abandoned our relationships. And within a similar time frame after the breakups we both began receiving silent hangups and some cyber stalking. When we asked folks why, we both got answers that mostly had to do with telemarketers (pfft, right!).

Mine have stopped for the time being. I'm not sure if it's because she's found someone else or she's given up on me contacting her again BECAUSE when I did contact her about 3 months after she left,  she laid in to me as if I had caused the mess that is now between us. I believe it's called scapegoating. And from what I understand now about the BPD disorder, the pwBPD as a rule can not admit that they created the mess that exists with their partner.

In my case my uBPDexgf of 9.5 YEARS sent me a Dear Jane note that she typed and inserted into my birthday card that never explicitly said anything other than she was going down a different path. No why, no nothing. I have no idea to this day what the heck truly set her off and why our relationship is over. And I mean this sincerely. It's not an exaggeration.

Btw, we were a lesbian couple, however previous to our relationship, she had been married to a man she hated. (Who remarried 5 years ago and is quite happy with the new wife, so my uBPDexgf  didn't get back with her exH. I'm pretty sure he knows she's certifiable).

So my thought on why my ex does this:  Honestly I think what she did when she left our relationship she didn't mean to do. I mean she meant to "break up" but only to the point that I would still be on a leash to her. When I received that note, and called her (she let my call go to voicemail, didn't pick up) I let her have it. And I said some very not nice things. Given all she had done up to the moment I received the note,  she deserved worse. I apologized after 3 months, but the calls from her began before a month had passed when she left. I honestly now think the first hang up call was just her seeing whether or not I had changed my number. Like you, my ex can't physically stalk me, but given the chance, I bet she would have so that's why the calls. Btw, neither of us FB, but she has hit my LinkedIn account.

After the first call, I think she called because she was anxious and somehow hearing my voice calmed her down, but when I contacted her, first via email, then by sending her kid a birthday card and her a note, she let me have it via an email. And based on what she said, it was clear I was pretty black. I have no idea if I was black when she sent me the original Dear Jane note, there would be no reason for me to be. And given all the positive I had brought into her and her kids life, there was not a reason for her to paint me black EXCEPT in her head to do what she did, because she never told me she was unhappy.

So my thought on why my ex then painted me black after 3 months was nothing but one thing and one thing only: control. She wants to be in control of how all this transpires. Well I've given her what she wants. I've let her run back to the world she thinks she wants. And you know what? Those calls and cyber hits let me know one thing, she's not happy.

Maybe she is now. Her calls lasted 11 months. I'm not sure why they've stopped because I am sure there was someone when she sent me the note a year ago, otherwise she wouldn't have left. She's pretty chicken about things.

And here's another thing: I believe now I attributed less calls to her originally than she really made. I used to get spoofed calls and out of area private calls many times a week. Many. I actually logged the ones that I could specifically attribute to her. Most of her calls were during the day (when she was at work so her kids wouldn't walk in on her and give her away) and close to the top of the hour or the half hour. She is a therapist and her clients always come in at the top of the hour. Her hang ups usually came just before the top of the hour when she would see a client. The ones that came near the half hour was when the school she counsels at was on break and she had no clients to see. And the calls rarely happened on weekends or in the evenings. When they did I would know her kids were with their father.

Since her last call almost 7 weeks ago I literally have only gotten about 1 or 2 telemarketing calls a week. Some weeks I've had one or none. What that tells me is she was calling me more often than I realized or rather what I felt should be logged. And looking back at the number of calls, it was clear she was calling me about every other week! That's why it's good to log the calls, you can see patterns and also recognize how many times they really are calling.

So my feeling is that the calls are anxiety related, and I do think she wanted to speak but was afraid to. And when I contacted her and she put on her big act of how hurt and upset she was, it was about control. I think now she also wanted me to really chase her and "beg" for her back after she blasted me in her email. And then when I didn't contact her after that, I do think she was trying to pull me back in to contacting her again with the hang ups.

In my case, I desperately miss my ex. I loved her and her kids beyond measure. I know she was in love with me. But I just feel like after what she did, she should be the one to apologize to me. And she hasn't done that at any time in the last year. She has apologized in the past when she screwed up, so I know she knows how to do it. I also don't think I'm black at this point. I mean how could I possibly have triggered her being nowhere under her nose for quite a while? But with crazy, you never know.

So the anger is about control, and the hangups are about the realization they know they screwed up, they want it to be fixed, but they don't know how to do it. I didn't keep contacting my ex after 3 months. I gave her what she wanted. She kept calling me for the next 8. I could be wrong, but I don't think she's finished with her hang up calls.

Sorry this was long. If it helps, start a log of the calls. It may help you understand why he's calling. Eventually you may be able to figure it out just by recognizing when he's hitting you up.

[Lou12]

Some very valuable insights their guys thank you

X

[JRT]

Weighing in here as well:

mine left abruptly almost a full year ago now and notified me only via text, I have not spoken with her since. Though she has blocked me on social media, I know that she is still stalking me there, and through her son, friends, via silent calls from spoofed numbers and so on. Meanwhile, I have reached out and she has gone to the cops and lawyers to try to scare me away from contact (threatening a PPO where there was no grounds for one).

Now, she has come across a friend of mine in another state who she does not know, began to text her... .THEN had a couple of phone conversations with her and ultimately sent her a friend request! (but later rescinded it!).

My ex reported to my friend that her life is in a bit of disarray (no replacement apparently) especially as it related to her now adult son. She confided in her that she has effed up everything in her life and is a bad mother (s19 cannot hold down a job for more than a week, couldn't handle 1 community college class and dropped out and has no future other than living in mom's apartment and playing video games).

I think that in this case, that she has come to that part in her life that she cannot any longer carry her albatross on her own and needed to reach out to SOMEONE as no one among her family or friends (what few there are), want to hear about it any longer. She went a long way to find this friend of mine and went WAY out on a limb by doing so, I speculate that communicating with my friend may have been a 'testing of the waters' or warm up to contacting me... .or not. But either way, I believe that it is considerable shame that keeps her away and extreme fear... .of what, I am not really sure. I can only guess that she believes that my reaction to what she had done if I am ever eyeball to eyeball to her will be considerably angry... .its just a guess.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Weighing in here as well:

mine left abruptly almost a full year ago now and notified me only via text, I have not spoken with her since. Though she has blocked me on social media, I know that she is still stalking me there, and through her son, friends, via silent calls from spoofed numbers and so on. Meanwhile, I have reached out and she has gone to the cops and lawyers to try to scare me away from contact (threatening a PPO where there was no grounds for one).

Now, she has come across a friend of mine in another state who she does not know, began to text her... .THEN had a couple of phone conversations with her and ultimately sent her a friend request! (but later rescinded it!).

My ex reported to my friend that her life is in a bit of disarray (no replacement apparently) especially as it related to her now adult son. She confided in her that she has effed up everything in her life and is a bad mother (s19 cannot hold down a job for more than a week, couldn't handle 1 community college class and dropped out and has no future other than living in mom's apartment and playing video games).

I think that in this case, that she has come to that part in her life that she cannot any longer carry her albatross on her own and needed to reach out to SOMEONE as no one among her family or friends (what few there are), want to hear about it any longer. She went a long way to find this friend of mine and went WAY out on a limb by doing so, I speculate that communicating with my friend may have been a 'testing of the waters' or warm up to contacting me... .or not. But either way, I believe that it is considerable shame that keeps her away and extreme fear... .of what, I am not really sure. I can only guess that she believes that my reaction to what she had done if I am ever eyeball to eyeball to her will be considerably angry... .its just a guess.

Hmmm, so she rescinded the FB request now.  Your ex loves her some drama too, JRT.

[JRT]

Hmmm, so she rescinded the FB request now.  Your ex loves her some drama too, JRT.[/quote]
Yep! Though I suspect that part of why she did so what that my friend waited for several days in deference to me prior to accepting the request. My ex probably felt rejected since she did not respond and deleted it. Or so I guess... .

[Lou12]

Shadow their in no doubt in my mind that it was indirectly meant for you as mine has done exactly the same. I believe that he doesn't want to be the one to reach out, not sure why... .rejection, fear, shame maybe I don't know for sure.

She retracted the request because she probably thinks you told your friend not to accept it and so she withdrew it to save rejection I'd say

X

[JRT]

Yeah... .I think that you are right Lou... .with a mix of thinking it was 'just not a good idea' along the lines of her breakup rationale to begin with. Interestingly, she admitted repeatedly to my friend that she has 'effed up everything' ostensibly referring to the relationship. Meanwhile, she has not blocked me via text but does not respond to the handful of texts which I have sent to her.

[Lou12]

Ha JRT hence why I posted this post! Why contact your friend but ignore you? God only knows as this question holds no logic!

Wish I could help you! I know for a fact my BPD is obsessed with me but their has to be a major emotion attached to this obsession like fear, shame etc that prevents him from reaching out.

I would accept that maybe he just wants to know I'm their but he puts an awful lot of energy into 'just knowing I'm there' but maybe that's the answer!

X

[JRT]

Ha JRT hence why I posted this post! Why contact your friend but ignore you? God only knows as this question holds no logic!

Wish I could help you! I know for a fact my BPD is obsessed with me but their has to be a major emotion attached to this obsession like fear, shame etc that prevents him from reaching out.

I would accept that maybe he just wants to know I'm their but he puts an awful lot of energy into 'just knowing I'm there' but maybe that's the answer!

X

It sure is confusing isn't it? Its like watching someone standing in the doorway of a burning house only one step away from safety but opting to remain the the doorway to face death; you want to just nudge them but you are too far away!

Just 2 weeks ago, mine got a hold of 3 people that remained FB with me and demanded that they block me (the bulk did so a year ago)... .the mindset is amazing.

[Lou12]

And when was the last time you contacted her? Or she you?

[JRT]

And when was the last time you contacted her? Or she you?

I last spoke to her last September.

I tried to contact her immediately after the b/u like any normal person would I think, she had a lawyer send me a letter threatening a PPO. Then I sent her a letter in October, it was returned 'refused'. I tried to call in December, she called the cops insisting that I was 'stalking'. I backed off and sent her a text in July ... .she then responded with another letter from another attorney again threatening a PPO.

I finally threw up my hands and called it a day. Wanting to get me stuff back (including the engagement ring), I filed a small claims case. To this, she again went to the cops as it constituted 'contact' (even though there was no PPO or other legal boundary). She, somehow, convinced a young attorney to represent her against a tiny sum in court. I received a document from him today petitioning the court to throw out the case (my lawyer laughed).

Other than that and some bric a brac,  there has been no contact though it sounds to me from what my friend and her discussed, that her life is a wreck and she is beginning to grieve in reverse.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Shadow their in no doubt in my mind that it was indirectly meant for you as mine has done exactly the same. I believe that he doesn't want to be the one to reach out, not sure why... .rejection, fear, shame maybe I don't know for sure.

She retracted the request because she probably thinks you told your friend not to accept it and so she withdrew it to save rejection I'd say

X

Hey Lou, if you've gathered! JRT was the other similar person I referred to with my original post. Our stories are very similar, except he has tried some more contact (and gotten his hand smacked, I might add). I haven't. I guess my fear got the best of me.

Referring to ur post above, what did you mean when you were addressing me. I wanted to be clear about what you were posting, but I gather you meant JRT instead of me. And thanks for bringing this topic up. Plenty of people have this happen to them by their exes but rarely do others give any meaningful insight. Hopefully in the future when someone else goes thru this, this thread will help them along their way.

[Lou12]

Honestly JRT and I wouldn't say this unless I felt it was true because I know it has the potential to hurt your feelings but... .having just read that last post with some history and knowing that she ignored you is say you've got to consider that she is using you as bait. She contacts her FB friends to delete you, you then contact her to ask why, she then cries the victim who's still bring harassed by you. A lot of BPDs thrive on drama and especially so when they have nothing else going on! Be very aware of this one! Cunning indeed!

X

[Lou12]

Apologies Shadow that was meant for JRT x

[JRT]

She definitely thrives on chaos and drama... .but I think that there is something else going on with her right now... .my friend believes that her life is at a cross roads... .she is not doing very well and is facing down some serious life problems and has no one to turn to for even understanding let alone support ... .I think that while her impulses are at work, that she is also hitting a point in her life that she is finally understanding that everything, invariably, that she touches gets effed up... .I sense that part of her reaching out to my friend was a HIGHLY trepidatious step towards me (though she might never go further down the road to doing so). Within her own disordered framework, she KNOWS that she screwed us up and that it is only her... .hence her extreme avoidance. She is expecting the reaction of a highly pissed off parent if we are ever in communicating distance... .thats her fear right there.

[Lou12]

Oh there no doubt in my mind that all that was done to get your attention 1000% certain of that but the motive behind it smells very iffy to me!

X

[JRT]

Yeah... .thats where I'm a bit stumped: a big part of it reeks of 'help me, I'm stuck and I know I effed up' but the if that were the case, one would presume other behaviors. What do you suspect?

[Lou12]

When my BPD splits me black, in his mind he absolutely does not want me. He wouldn't care if I dropped off the face of the earth. Every few weeks he comes back to either gain more sustenance to keep me black or because he's splitting me white. In fact either or of these indicates he's splitting me white otherwise he wouldn't reach out.

I honestly believe that when you are black there's no hope but... .WHEN you are white they absolutely can't help themselves in reaching out. Your BPD doesn't seem to me to be saying 'help me' as her measures are not desperate enough do you think? It's like she's baiting you to react so she can either cause drama that your stalking her again to fill her empty void or she needs to keep you split black to justify her ruining things so baiting you to respond is allowing her that need. I don't detect remorse here though! What's your thoughts?

X

[shatra]

JRT wrote--

Though she has blocked me on social media, I know that she is still stalking me there, and through her son, friends, via silent calls from spoofed numbers and so on.

----Many months ago, I looked at my ex's son's FB page, not since.  Now, out of the blue when I type in   'B'  in the FB search bar, the son's name/page comes up (his first name starts with 'B'.  Yet for the past months, when I'd type in 'B', his name never appeared.  I know the search bar includes people you looked at and people who looked at you.  I am curious if this means my ex/his son were looking at my page recently? This just started last week.

[shatra]

JRT wrote---

Now, she has come across a friend of mine in another state who she does not know, began to text her... .THEN had a couple of phone conversations with her and ultimately sent her a friend request! (but later rescinded it!).

---What other explanation could there be for her contacting your friend (since she isn't friends with the person)?.  Sounds like triangulation---involving a third person as a way to try to have some type of contact with you.  And also test the waters.

[Lou12]

You know what maybe mine just wants the attention, nothing more or nothing less!

[JRT]

Yeah... .its like waiting for the guillotine to drop, ... I KNOW that its going to happen... .but WHEN... .and under what circumstances? I've known this since she disappeared. Uggh.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Well I guess somehow I got painted black unbeknownst to me as she hasn't called in about 7 weeks based on some of these suggested theories!

I'm being facetious!

[shatra]

JRT wrote

her life is a wreck and she is beginning to grieve in reverse.

------Does that mean delayed grieving?  Meaning not dealing with the pain of the loss at the point of breaking up, but much later?

JRT wrote----

Though she has blocked me on social media, I know that she is still stalking me there, and through her son, friends, via silent calls from spoofed numbers and so on.

----Many months ago, I looked at my ex's son's FB page, not since.  Now, out of the blue when I type in   'B'  in the FB search bar, the son's name/page comes up (his first name starts with 'B'.  Yet for the past months, when I'd type in 'B', his name never appeared.  I know the search bar includes people you looked at and people who looked at you.  I am curious if this means my ex/his son were looking at my page recently? This just started last week.  Thought of this when you wrote "stalking me there and through her son" meaning son's social media page I am guessing?

[JRT]

------Does that mean delayed grieving?  Meaning not dealing with the pain of the loss at the point of breaking up, but much later?

Yes... .it means that after all of the assuaging and, perhaps, effects of a replacement have worn off (or THAT relationship has also failed), that the effects of the loss of the non kick in well after the fact. It might also be prompted by their lives otherwise melting down and not having any place to where to turn.

----Many months ago, I looked at my ex's son's FB page, not since.  Now, out of the blue when I type in   'B'  in the FB search bar, the son's name/page comes up (his first name starts with 'B'.  Yet for the past months, when I'd type in 'B', his name never appeared.  I know the search bar includes people you looked at and people who looked at you.  I am curious if this means my ex/his son were looking at my page recently? This just started last week.  Thought of this when you wrote "stalking me there and through her son" meaning son's social media page I am guessing?

I wish that I know more about how FB does the things that it does... .there sure are a lot of mysteries there.

[shatra]

Jrt wrote--

Yes... .it means that after all of the assuaging and, perhaps, effects of a replacement have worn off (or THAT relationship has also failed), that the effects of the loss of the non kick in well after the fact. It might also be prompted by their lives otherwise melting down and not having any place to where to turn.

---True. And at the breakup it may have been too painful for them to feel the loss. Later on, when the defenses come down, they start to really feel the pain.

I wish that I know more about how FB does the things that it does... .there sure are a lot of mysteries there.

-----I thought when you wrote: "I know that she is still stalking me there, and through her son, friends,"  that meant that you knew those people were using their accounts to look at yours?

[JRT]

-----I thought when you wrote: "I know that she is still stalking me there, and through her son, friends,"  that meant that you knew those people were using their accounts to look at yours?

I HAVE been able to determine this... .once via a ruse that I set up int he winter to see if she was stalking me (she fell for it)... .and most recently since I found out that the last three people that were connected to me that I met through her blocked me (rather than unfreinded); she had to get to my account with a dummy account, study my friends list THEN go into action when she found the stragglers (this was only 2 weeks ... .then of course this episode with a friend that I didn't have when she and I were together and every manner of activity in between such as her son and his girlfriend accosting me at a local mall or one of her girlfriends tirades when she contacted me via IM! She contacted me daughter on social media, her son ranted to my cousin about me without solicitation, her GF's have contacted me on dating sites, the various silent calls that I was receiving daily for several months... .etc, etc,

For someone who is quick to call the police or enlist the assistance of the first available attorney to do a pro bono letter for her, both threatening that I am a 'stalker' (I have called her a total of TWICE via phone over the course of the past 12 months and zero times int he last 9), she sure does enough of it on her own! You would think that someone who has demonstrated the type of fear and avoidance that she has would not be engaged in these sorts of activities.