Firstly I'd like to say that I'm not posting for validation or anything like that i'm simply posting to share my thoughts as I don't really feel comfortable talking to my friends or family regarding the relationship with my BPDex/Depression (I assume she may also have some npd/hpd but she hasn't verbally opened up those cans of works with me)... .Secondly I also realize i'm not perfect and I have some codependent traits/whatever else may go along with it, so even though she may be ALOT more "damaged" then me I recognize i'm not the perfect human. anyways here go's my short story ...
Well the past few days I wrote a post regarding how I took it upon myself to break NC after roughly 3 months or so (I felt like I was in a "better place" but I had been thinking about her alot) . . . The results were neutral more along the lines of silent treatment I guess you can say? It was a "friend" request and she didn't accept or deny . . . about a week rolls by outside pressure starts to mount from friends telling me/ asking me "oh hows you and so and so" -- " if you care about her let , her know" etc etc (of course none of these people know anything that's really happened or BPD" -- you know how it goes. So the outside advice kind of got to me... In my previous article we spoke about "signs" through social media more specifically like twitter (which is basically ment to speak your emotions/one liners). Instead of going more in-depth about what we were talking about here you can read through this thread to get a better idea-- (
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=282587.0 ) -- the jest of what we spoke about was "not everything is about you " which is true.
In any case over the past few days my BPDex has shot out probably 100 tweets , will say 85! are feelings related... saying things like "you should of been happy to have me" ... "you're gonna miss my love" ... "I am the happiest sad person"... "I don't play games , keep it real with me" <- ( that one kind of made laugh but anyways) ... The list goes on it was literally 85 "feelings" quotes/1 liners... but you get the point just an F load of tweets like that and i'm just sitting there like hmm... What ever has happened the last few days has spewed out a well of over flowing emotions , with no where to put them I guess... .Note to self - stop looking at her social media ... anyways
Back to the story as people have told me " let her know you care blah blah blah" , so this is what I call my last dice/closure... I buy some flowers - attach a little note (tried to keep it short and to the point ... which I've learned is a big thing with her from my personal exp) the note read " blah blah blah hope your doing well... .I'd love to take you out for food / ice cream to catch up and talk... .here is how you can reach me ... whether it is a yes or a no I hope to hear from you soon" ... .Tried to stick to the main point perhaps the I'd love to catch up and talk was too much? the anxiety of meeting me face to face and having to sit and eat with me? Too much ? Maybe... .I sent it anyways and I won't dwell on how it was written because it's done... I had someone drop it by her door or something like that , so when she woke up she would see it ... So throughout the night I felt alot of anxiety but I did it ... there was no turning back... So today I wake up , *first thought* "I wonder how she took it" go straight to twitter first thing I read is about me [ no hidden msgs to read through ] ... I'm going to paraphrase it because I don't want it to pop up on a google search ... " Someone sent me flowers today and it ruined (F'd) my whole day" ...
My hope - she would read it and contact me ( which she still could in all fairness... she only saw it today but based off the above quote very very doubtful ha ... and I am only going to give my self perhaps a 2 - 3 day window before I hit the "acceptance" button... ) " F off " or "no thanks" "that sounds nice" ... anything really
Reality ( as of now) it's upset her for whatever reason ... it remains unknown (the fact that I am still around or that I still think about her ? or perhaps that I took actions when she was trying to get over me ? )... Only her and her good friends/family would know. Either way her response lets me know that at one point perhaps I was important to her(even if it was for a short period of time)/ that I mean something even if I mean something in a "black" or "bad way". I suppose it's interesting to see that it affected her in a bad way but the last thing I wanted to do was ruin someones day by sending them flowers of all things ( sometimes I wonder BPD female behavior vs "non" girl behavior in general) but that's how it went down.
So it's a long read but feel free to read , comment , anything really... .I'm interested to read what people have to say.
