My first mediation went bad...

[Godslove]

I had my first court ordered mediation yesterday. I think it went the way BPD wanted. I had a sleepless night thinking why didn’t I speak up more and why I nodded my head then? I feel so stupid. I am so down…I asked my L to be there because he is very manipulating but I learned my L didn't talk much and the long meeting preparing the meditation was useless. It is not my lawyers life but mine.

1. I agreed to share the transportation and I wanted to control the time kids come back. So it is okay. but I gave it away without any consequences--I talked to my L. afterwards, he said he will word it right.

2. My suggestion was to recalculate CS guidelines and I think it backfired. He made less money and I made more. I wanted the recalculation knowing because I wanted to add the child care ($500 for two kids) and he is making rental income. His L said he cannot include his $650 rental income because he is using it to repair. So it will be $1500 instead of $1400. With that we talked about me getting children’s insurance which I know my insurance is better than his. But paying $500 for insurance, wouldn't I be getting less?

3. He talked about shared physical custody I said no. He talked about seeing kids more. While everyone is nodding, I said it will be nice for the kids to see their dad more. I want to kill myself! Why didn’t I say “I do not agree! He has a woman moved into his place already and kids are distressed for it!” Why didn't my L say something knowing I do not want this. Plus if he sees them longer weekend or more vacation days, the CS will be $920.  

4. None of my other agendas were brought up yet. We scheduled one more mediation and agreed to talk more of these at couples counseling at National Family Resiliency Center.

Except transportation, we did not agree anything. Even that I did not sign anywhere. Can I say I change my mind and really speak out at the second mediation? My L is desperately not wanting to go to court. I wonder if I need to find another L who is willing to go to court.

This is so frustrating... .I hate myself... .not being aggressive...

[Sunfl0wer]

Nothing is signed, my understanding is that as long as you did not sign, nothing is agreed to.

Please prepare for your next mediation.  We went in fully knowing where our "lowest" negotiating area was in each and every area.  We also listed which items we were 100% firm and non negotiable, then ones that we were more flexible on, then listed what we really didn't care about, but maybe she did and could use to bargain.  We decided on some possible negotiating trades that may come our way in things she wanted.  We also decided that certain things NEEDED to be resolved in a certain order... .in order for what came next to make sense.  (As BF uBPDex was likely to just spend 100% of the time focusing and arguing about dumb non important things and never get to the big issues.)

We did not share the absolute bottom with our L, but shared am "almost" bottom so that we knew she was giving it a good fight... .and knew ahead of time what we felt was reasonable.  We did not at all change our stance based on emotions or fear during mediation, because in our case, we knew that we certainly had a better shot before a judge, therefore, there was little reason to veer from our decided lists of what we wanted.

We also decided with L that it all HAD to be signed THAT day, which lead us extending the mediation by several hours.  As we knew exW had a history of wanting more and more and more the more time she had to mull things over, and would never agree to the same stuff from one hour to the next, so another day would mean redoing all the previous work.

Anyway... .

I am sure you will get great advice from others here. 

Just thought I'd throw that out there for now.

[david]

Maybe write down everything that you did not agree with so you don't forget anything. Also write down what you want. You don't have to show anyone what you wrote. The notes are for you.

I went through one mediation and got nowhere with my ex because she kept changing her mind. I believe that is allowed in any mediation. Once I realized nothing was going to be accomplished I simply gathered my things and said goodbye.

[Godslove]

Thanks. I did organize and wrote them down on things what I def. want, what I can be flexible and so on. I briefed all that to my L at a separate meeting so he has a full understanding and would fight for me. I think I wanted too much from my L. Next mediation, I will speak for myself and it will be my fight.

[Sunfl0wer]

Idk if this helps, but we had both parties separated during mediation.  This helped BF as he was easily swayed by exW emotions and his own guilt.  So the lawyers/client met to negotiate individually with the mediator, always taking turns, never crossing paths or speaking to one another.

[Godslove]

I really do like that idea. Everything is still playing nonstop in my head and keep talking to myself all the things that I didn't say and gave me tears for the past years.

[david]

My mediation with ex was back in 2008 or 2009. My being in the same room triggered her and that was a big part of the problem. The mediator did separate us once and that was when ex was getting loud and accusing me of abuse which is her "normal" fallback position.

After I left , I am fairly certain ex stayed there for quite some time. Hours later the mediator called me and said she believed things would work out. We were going to court the next day about an issue which the mediation was supposed to resolve. The issue was ex was not following the court order and I felt the need to go to court. When we went to court the next day ex pretty much made it her idea to follow the court order. She implied that I was the one that didn't want to follow the order. It was pretty twisted since she was trying to restrict my access to our two boys.

I used to try to understand/make sense of what ex was saying or doing.I finally came to a point that I realized I would probably never understand her and needed to do what I thought best. I now believe that if ex started making sense I should start getting concerned for my own well being.

[Godslove]

My L talked freely to the mediator in front of me while waiting for the other party how they (L and mediator) do not want to take any case going to court. My L currently has one and he said it is taking too much of him and mediator asked why did you take the case? can you get out of it now? and so on. My L said he did not know it was going to be complicated and it looked like a simple case. The mediator said she does not take court case anymore and my L agreed that is what he is trying to do. Now he is not fighting for me even during the mediation. I feel that this will go to court. Should I change a lawyer who is willing to go to court fight for me rather than trying to convince to give in and solve things out of court.

[david]

My first atty never explained things to me and just told me what would happen in court. I finally got a lawyer that listened to me and did what I wanted to accomplish.

I couldn't have done that in the beginning because I was relying on the atty to do all the work since I did not understand the rules of the game. Once I got an understanding of the rules I realized lawyers are working for me to do what I want. If I wanted to do something illegal or not allowed it was their job to tell me that and how I could accomplish my goal using the legal system.

If your atty really doesn't have an interest or ability to handle a courtroom situation it may be wise find one that can/will. You might want to talk to your current atty about that.

[Sunfl0wer]

I can understand not feeling confident in your L if they are expressing wanting to keep things simple and not complicated.

Our L expected that our case was a "high-conflict" case.  Even tho we loved her, people are limited in their talents, skils etc.  So at one point we did get a consult from a known "high-conflict" experienced L team.  It cost about $300bucks for the team consult, however, I feel it was well worth it.

While we did not switch to the L team, we did get some insight on what is reasonable to expect and confirmed much of what we were already thinking.  We did gain some additional strategies and tidbits here and there.  It really was only about 10-15mins of new info during that hour, but it helped us feel confident in our L (as we felt she compared and could do about 75% of what the team did) and we could bring one or two strategies that we wanted included to be considered by our L from the team.  Also, the team was now familiar with us so if we ever needed another consult, they welcomed it... .this made me feel secure in things.  (We actually did not tell L as BF felt it may offend her)

We informed the team of a few of exW most bizarre behaviors and made it clear that she was unpredictable at best and this was going to be complicated for all.  I can't imagine feeling a L realizing that things are not going to be simple and expressing that in front of me, knowing my situation was not.  I almost would be suspicious that this conversation was intentionally placed before my ears to sway me to give in to stuff to end it.  Even if not, it would clearly have a similar effect, and that would really make me uncomfortable and lack confidence in the L.  Ugh!  What an uncomfortable position!

[ForeverDad]

What turned out to be Leverage for me - after over a year and a half completing the court's checklist* - was walking into court on Trial Day.  THAT was my leverage.  Her lawyer had told her I'd probably win the divorce case, so she was finally willing to settle for less unreasonable terms.

For your lawyer to say he doesn't want to go into court is a huge red flag... .if court is what you need to get a decent outcome.  In my case, and many others too I believe, mediation was so early in the case that the ex-spouses are still very entitled.  Our mediation failed and I wasn't all that surprised, actually I expected it to fail.  I had the perspective that I wouldn't sign on to quick bad deal. I was fairly sure I would get a better deal in court than any I could get from my ex.  Yes, we did eventually settle, as most cases do, we came minutes away from starting the trial, but it was only with "it's my basic terms or else we call the magistrate back in for the trial and let the court decide."  It was timing, building leverage, and other factors too.

* Each step took 2 to 6 months:  Temp order, mediation, court's parenting investigation, custody evaluation, settlement conference, scheduled trial, final decree.

Yes, going to court is much more expensive and drags out the divorce but weigh the pros and cons and decide what is best for you, your parenting and the children.