A bad year

[ruinedcities]

My story is nothing special.  My d has been dealing with mental illness for a long time.  I've invested all my love, time and resources.  My d was a beautiful, loving, brilliant affectionate child.  She was charming, persuasive and talented. So many things went wrong through undergrad and grad school and I was always there to pick up the pieces, and find a new therapist, refill meds etc., so she could complete her schooling. I kept thinking that each disaster would be the last and that she would be fine.  I am now seeing the light go out and what is left is a mean, frightening and hardened person.  She completed her education and started engaging in extremely dangerous and degrading means of making money. Even as I write this I am afraid of her reading this and then attacking me.  The attacks have been flying this year and the relationship is ending.  I am at a point where I can't allow myself to be a victim.  The last straw is an accusation of childhood sexual abuse.  I am old and I am tired.  I have let other relationships suffer to try and help her.  I look back and think that maybe I needed to let her crash and burn a long time ago... .but I didn't... .so I am here now.  My boundaries have been set.  No more money, no more paying therapists, nothing.  I hope to get support here.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[twojaybirds]

Wow, sounds like you have found your boundaries.  We all come about them different ways so do not be too hard on yourself just move forward.

What has worked for me with setting boundaries is making them "I" statements.

I need ... .in my life so I will  or will not... .

I need more $ in my life so I will not lend out any more.

I need more time for knitting  so I will not give up my knitting time/class for anything


This helps me remember that boundaries are a positive healthy thing I do only for me.

They are not out of anger, resentment or the like.  As I learned to use them (especially with my DD21) I looked around and realized the healthy people I know all make decisions every day based upon the healthy boundaries they have set for themselves.  For them it is just natural.

And remember you do not have to justify your boundaries to anyone. If asked it's a simple as.\,

this is what I need for me.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

[madmom]

Congratulations on determining your boundaries and being willing to stick to them.  You deserve to go on and live the best life YOU can.  It is so hard to let your daughter go and as you say, crash and burn.  We had to do that, and I thought the worry would about kill me, but my husband and I held the line and amazingly, she is doing great now.  Of course, things got worse before they got better and it was not a good time for any of us, but the end results for her and for us were worth it.  We are enjoying the life that we dreamed of in many ways.  I hope the same for you.   Please keep coming back and telling more of your story.  I would also encourage you to take time to read the information, lessons and tools on the right hand side of this page.  I found them extremely valuable and helpful.

[ruinedcities]

madmom... .it sounds like you have an inspirational story.  I can't imagine being at a point where i can say my d is doing great.  Right now I feel like I am just waiting for the phone to ring and for someone to tell me she is dead.  I have read the tools and with the help of an amazing therapist have been using those and others.  I definitely don't always succeed and, as seems pretty common,  she knows exactly the right thing to say to destabilize me.  I have learned to wait to respond to texts until I have calmed down.  I have to admit to feeling panic when I see her texts coming in.  Even opening my email is terrifying as I am afraid there will be something in there.  She has definitely terrorized me.  I wonder how it was before technology allowed them to reach us at any time any place.  She also seems to have an amazing knack for knowing when I am talking about her and texting then! How does she do that?  I do hope there is a nice ending to the story.  Hard to imagine!