Introduction

[momataloss]

Hi,

I'm here because I am very concerned about my 18 year old daughter. I've suspected for a few years now that things are not "right" with her. She is a bright girl, but seems unable to handle life. She was a senior last year and not only did not head to college as all her teachers expected, but did not even graduate from high school. I feel like I was the only one to see this coming--I tried to get her teachers to pay attention to the absences from school, the incomplete work, the emotional issues, the number of days she felt too sick or overwhelmed to go to school, the relationship issues with friends and boyfriends, but it seems no one saw what I saw until it was too late.

Then they wanted to blame her, rather than help her. Even her therapist has tried to fire her and stop sessions. I understand why those who deal with her get so frustrated and angry--because I do myself at times. She talks such a good talk and seems so capable, but then falls apart, doesn't do what she says she will and blames others. It is almost impossible to get her to take responsibility for herself and her actions. She has taken an overdose over a boyfriend, committed felony shoplifting, and involved herself with very questionable people. At this point I've asked her to leave the house and live with her dad. The drama that surrounds her and the time she consumes is overwhelming and it was impacting my work and my entire life. Yet I feel sick thinking of her without a real caretaker--I do not believe at this point that she is capable of taking care of herself and she continues to drift without a high school diploma or any solid employment at all. She is not living with her dad, but a boyfriend.  I'm not sure the therapist she sees has made any sort of diagnosis, yet I'm beginning to suspect Border-Line Personality or some other personality disorder.

I want to learn more about how to deal as a parent. What is best to do and not do. Even if she doesn't have BPD, it might help. I also want to learn more about when it is appropriate to engage with a child who is now 18 and when I just need to step back, no matter how concerned I am. I've been stepping back now more and more often, but I still feel like there is much to learn about how best to handle this situation and be there for this very problematic person that I love very much--but who I can very rarely interact with without pain and other complex emotions. Nothing has been easy with her for a long, long time. Maybe it never was.  Any help or advice you can send my way would be so appreciated. I have almost nobody to talk to about the severity of the situation--other people can't fully understand. I see there are articles to read on this website, so I will start there.  Thanks very much.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[madmom]

Welcome momataloss --I think you have found a place of love and support---at least that is what it has been for me.  My daughter is 27 and I only wish I could turn back time so that I could have found this site when my daughter was 18, maybe things would have been better sooner.  I would highly encourage you to look at the tools and lessons on the right hand side of this page.  I found the validation, SET and boundary setting particularly helpful with my daughter.  Like you, many of us don't have people who can really understand what we are going through with our children that we had so much hope for, and then to be stuck with such a devastating illness.  But truly there is hope!  It takes a lot, and sometimes you have to try a variety of things and/or therapists before things turn around, but they can (my own daughter has made huge progress in the last year or so).  Another place that you might look into is NAMI.  Last year about this time I took there family to family course and although it deals with lots different mental illnesses, I really enjoyed meeting and talking with people who were also dealing with a loved one with mental illness.  It might help you to connect with others in your situation and not feel so alone.  I look forward to hearing from you again soon. 

[momataloss]

Hi there,

Thank you very much for the welcome and the words of support. I will indeed be looking through the tools and lessons provided on this site. I will also take at look at NAMI, thanks much for the suggestion.  I wish I had looked for this type of support while my daughter was still in high school, but I guess better now than never.  Again, thank you very much for your kinds words--it helps a lot to know there are others out there with the same issues and also to know that things can improve.