what made you leave?

[jasonb]

All of this is relatively new and very enlightening for me. It has made me turn inward and become very self aware. I really am undecided on if I should stay or leave my S.O... I know deep down if I stay she will ruin me psychologically and financially. however, every time I attempt to leave and i'm about fed up she changes. It's like she can sense what i'm about to do and becomes sweet, loving, caring etc. and it's hard for me to dump her. I guess i'm just not ready to do that yet. I was wondering what made y'all finally decide to call it off for good. what was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. i'm waiting for mine.

[Anise]

Well, to be fair I haven't left yet.

There are a couple events that collectively motivated me to take action.  The first was when he left after an argument, saying he needed to go get some air, and then called the police on me claiming I had assaulted him (not sure how he figured that since I was on the landing of the stairs and he was 15 ft away on the couch).  Thankfully the police saw through his crap pretty quickly.  The second was when he told me that he didn't want to have a baby with me because I was so angry (at him, for not initiating ever, for saying he wanted to buy a house with me but not wanting to actually do anything about it, for the general stuckness of our relationship).

I'm not angry with him anymore, because I more clearly see the situation and see what's going on with him.  I've told him I am considering moving out, and he's doing the same thing yours is; he's buying me flowers, being nicer, more thoughtful, etc.  It's mostly (some might argue completely) a manipulative act to get you to stay and assuage their abandonment fears.

[Dobzhansky]

Hah!  Wife left me!  After I was "demonized" (split black?).  Was sitting quietly thinking at the end of 350+ mile road trip summer of 2014.  Before the trip she had announced she had applied for another job in a different state, had accepted it, and had a plane ticket for a few weeks away.

Girls and I were past the freakout stage and could be in the same room together with uBPDw/mother.  We discussed briefly and amicably how she had everything:  a well-paying secure job, a husband also employed in a similar field, 3 daughters whoo loved her, a nice house in the country, two cars that worked (one paid for), breakfast in bed most Sundays, an hour-long backrub during family-time watching our one sacred show every week.  This being the case... .WTH?  She was unable to articulate.

Once home that evening, she called a family meeting in the bedroom.  We all gathered as she read to us talking points from an index card.  "I am leaving your father, not you."  When asked why she made me out to be an impatient a$$.  She carried on from there.  I won't bore you.  Since she has been gone, there has been an inability to explain what happened from her point of view, and a stalwart refusal/inability to understand why the girls and I cannot trust her.

BE assured we are all three of us in therapy.  I have praised the efforts of our T to my uBPDw.  I have suggested she find a similar situation where she is.  She refuses.

[Sunfl0wer]

I don't know if I ever would have left. 

While I could see things were getting progressively toxic, I made a conscious decision to make some serious stern boundaries.  I realized, while making these boundaries and sticking to them, that I had a very big chance of running him off as I knew he couldn't live with this.

Well... .

As much as I preferred he could live with my boundaries, he couldn't.

I did not just make up boundaries on purpose to drive him away, rather, I realized that I had slowly left behind some of my original values to preserve the r/s.  I just decided to be true to me, and honor and respect me first.  (Vs putting "the r/s" above me as usual.  As he never put the r/s above his "needs."  I just decided not to allow myself to respect him, or the r/s more than I do myself.)

It took about 6 months or so of reinforcing my boundaries... .  And a really ugly protest on his part, then he declared it all done and unlivable to him.

I never wanted there to be "a straw."  I was afraid what that meant.  However, for him, I think he has declared his last tantrum protest his "last straw."

[bpbreakout]

BPDw threw daughters maths notes all over the house because they had been left on the dining room table.

BPDw and I then had a massive argument and I said all the things I had been bottling up for years about what an appalling mother BPDw is

I left the next day, it was self preservation as I was really scared of what might happen if we had another argument

We are in trial separation mode now.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

After providing everything to ex,  housing, food, taking care of legal fees, car fees, helping her get off drugs and getting a new job, not to mention the cheating.  Thought we turned a corner for the better.  Well she raged for no reason, and I realized this person isnt a recovering addict but something else is going on here.  I need my happyness.   I was at the point, thinking she has no excuse not,  life is good for her.  Why is she deliberately making me unhappy,  I was on the verge of punching her lights out.  Took everything I had not to, and calmly retire for the evening,  When I woke up the next morning, Asked her to leave and that was it.  Didn't know what BPD was, She mentioned it, but hey,  its over and I am all the better off.  You will be too.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey jasonb, I could relate my story about the last straw, but the real issue is whether you stay or go, isn't it?  If you decide to stay, and maybe you are leaning that way, what makes you think things will go differently as time goes on?  If you decide to leave, what is stopping you from leaving?  I know these are tough questions, but let's cut right to the chase.  LuckyJim