Valdating Children While They Throw Tantrums

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This kind of seems to be working for me. I passed it on to a co-worker (who has her own issues) and she said it seemed to work with her D3.

Though permissible under California law, we're forbidden from spanking per the custody stipulation. My Ex violated it once last summer, but since she called me, concerned that she last control (S then 4 peed his pants at a party and she flipped), I didn't tell her that she violated it. I prefer to keep a r/s where she sometimes volunteers this stuff.

D3:

She's taken to being attached to certain clothing items. Though it's good that she's independent enough to pick out her clothes, it can cause stalls when getting ready for school,.for example. The other night, she wore her favorite pjs. As her brother was in the tub, about ready to get out, she changed her mind. I felt exasperated, but took her to the dresser to choose something else. Sometimes, she sleeps in the soft clothes (no jeans) she wears the next day. She started getting upset that what she wanted wasn't there,.despite having a myriad of choices, and started dysregulating like a 3 year old,.crying, then screaming. I got mad, told her to undress/dress herself, then left the room to take S5 out of the bath. She screamed worse. She was crying, ":)addy! Daddy!" I let it go on for a few minutes, then went back in. Then she said, "I want Mommy." I told her that I knew she wanted Mommy, but that Mommy would also tell her to wear what was available. Then I picked her up and held and hugged her tight. It calmed her. We got her brother out of the tub. She was still a little upset, but after reading and tiolettries, she was right as rain.

S5 today:

Picked him up from the sitter's. A pokemon episode was ending... he wanted to watch another half hour. It was over. He started whining, almost crying, then getting angry. Tried to smack me, then his sister (she was just staning there). I was firm. "I know you want to watch more, but its over. It's not acceptable to hit people! Time to go home. He started crying and tossing things. Since there was nowhere to do a time out, and we had to leave, I picked him up. I kind of made fun of him, "time for a nap!" And rocked him. I also tickled him. He did the "laugh-cry" where you want to laugh, but are still crying. I held and hugged him for a bit, then set him on his feet, out the door. Interestingly, by the time we got to the car, he was fine. No more dysregulations the whole night. After an hour home, I let them watch a little tv as I made dinner. He turned off his show (notpt pokemon, some other cartoon) with no fuss when it ended.

Though I have no problems letting them scream in their rooms (D3 puts herself on timeouts sometimes when I don't tell her it's necessary, which is funny), I've found that not "abandoning" them for too long helps. I think hugging them helps reinforce that I still love them, and that despite asserting boundaries, even with a raised voice, that they know that.

My younger co-worker said that when she tried it, rather than slapping her D3)   it was better...

They're so young, and we'll see how it works as they age, but it's working for now. I told them "no" several times at the grocery store today when they wanted me to buy them toys (amazing how kids can spot children's toys hung in the soup isle!) but other than minor whining, I stood firm, and they were ok.

[Turkish]

This kind of seems to be working for me. I passed it on to a co-worker (who has her own issues) and she said it seemed to work with her D3.

Though permissible under California law, we're forbidden from spanking per the custody stipulation. My Ex violated it once last summer, but since she called me, concerned that she last control (S then 4 peed his pants at a party and she flipped), I didn't tell her that she violated it. I prefer to keep a r/s where she sometimes volunteers this stuff.

D3:

She's taken to being attached to certain clothing items. Though it's good that she's independent enough to pick out her clothes, it can cause stalls when getting ready for school,.for example. The other night, she wore her favorite pjs. As her brother was in the tub, about ready to get out, she changed her mind. I felt exasperated, but took her to the dresser to choose something else. Sometimes, she sleeps in the soft clothes (no jeans) she wears the next day. She started getting upset that what she wanted wasn't there,.despite having a myriad of choices, and started dysregulating like a 3 year old,.crying, then screaming. I got mad, told her to undress/dress herself, then left the room to take S5 out of the bath. She screamed worse. She was crying, ":)addy! Daddy!" I let it go on for a few minutes, then went back in. Then she said, "I want Mommy." I told her that I knew she wanted Mommy, but that Mommy would also tell her to wear what was available. Then I picked her up and held and hugged her tight. It calmed her. We got her brother out of the tub. She was still a little upset, but after reading and tiolettries, she was right as rain.

S5 today:

Picked him up from the sitter's. A pokemon episode was ending... he wanted to watch another half hour. It was over. He started whining, almost crying, then getting angry. Tried to smack me, then his sister (she was just staning there). I was firm. "I know you want to watch more, but its over. It's not acceptable to hit people! Time to go home. He started crying and tossing things. Since there was nowhere to do a time out, and we had to leave, I picked him up. I kind of made fun of him, "time for a nap!" And rocked him. I also tickled him. He did the "laugh-cry" where you want to laugh, but are still crying. I held and hugged him for a bit, then set him on his feet, out the door. Interestingly, by the time we got to the car, he was fine. No more dysregulations the whole night. After an hour home, I let them watch a little tv as I made dinner. He turned off his show (notpt pokemon, some other cartoon) with no fuss when it ended.

Though I have no problems letting them scream in their rooms (D3 puts herself on timeouts sometimes when I don't tell her it's necessary, which is funny), I've found that not "abandoning" them for too long helps. I think hugging them helps reinforce that I still love them, and that despite asserting boundaries, even with a raised voice, that they know that.

My younger co-worker said that when she tried it, rather than slapping her D3)   it was better...

They're so young, and we'll see how it works as they age, but it's working for now. I told them "no" several times at the grocery store today when they wanted me to buy them toys (amazing how kids can spot children's toys hung in the soup isle!) but other than minor whining, I stood firm, and they were ok.