Back In The Soup Again: New Wife Likely uNPD

[cult]

 Got involved with her on the rebound from a nearly 11 year relationship that ended very suddenly (ex left me, long story, details in my previous posts). In retrospect this should have been a short term relationship. There were lots of flashing red lights warning me to run but I did not heed them. Long story short, we got married. We have been married now a little over one year.

Most recently, there was an incident of domestic violence in my home directed at my wife by one of her children from a previous marriage. I was a bystander, but I easily could have been injured had I attempted to intervene. The incident was brief and my wife was not seriously hurt but it was and remains a highly volatile situation. The incident happened as the result of many things but one reason is that my wife treats everyone around her terribly. She is rude, inconsiderate, selfish and seems to believe that everyone else was put on this earth to wait on her hand and foot.

At first I thought she was BPD due to the rages, the lack of empathy, the coldness she can display. On further reading it seems NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) is a better fit for what I experience every day of this relationship. She becomes enraged if I spend too much time on my laptop, she tries to dictate what I wear, what I eat, and doesn't see one thing wrong with it. Recently she asked me to adjust the remote and when I didn't respond immediately she exploded into a torrent of screaming and cursing. After she was spent she acted like nothing had happened. She refuses to take any responsibility for her actions and how they affect the people in her life - me, her kids, everyone.

When I try to address any issues with her she either shuts down or explodes. When she explodes, she will curse at me, scream at the top of her lungs and use anything I have ever shared with her as a weapon against me. She will never discuss anything in a calm, adult manner. She is very dismissive and acts like all of my concerns are due to my own problems, sensitivity, etc. I have begged her several times to attend couples counseling with me. She has refused each time and says she would be mortified if anyone knew that I wanted counseling after such a short time together - we have been a couple for just over 2 years, married for just over 1.   

I just got into therapy myself and my stated goal is to end this marriage and move on so I can find someone without a personality disorder. Part of me really wants this to work out long term but given my wife's unwillingness to work on the glaring issues we have, I don't know if that is realistic.

I welcome any thoughts. Thanks.