Hello everyone, who I feel deeply (and frankly even a bit angry for their part) for even having to find their way to this site althogether as I now just have.
To begin this all I still can't make certain that she has BPD or not because it feels like such a bad thing to call someone without a professional's take on it.
Im still quite young even though I sometimes feel a bit behind in life at the moment, could have been one year ahead in my career, electrician and we have to climb a few years before getting it good.
But enough background about me in general unless there are any questions which I would be very happy to answer.
This is the first time Im bringing this thing up to anyone else but my brother who I've lived with the last few months and thats the only reason I think I have shared this much about this part of my life.
I met this girl through the internet when I was working in france (Im from sweden) she had been messaging me and calling me for a couple month's before me going outlands to work and I had never even met her and disjointed her weird behaviour in contacting very intense from nowhere, I mean I didnt even know her, we'd been on eachothers social media from a few years before that and never really had any conversation.
I got bored the second month in france just working so much and my collegue from sweden was quite introvert and only really cared about being a good electrician, gaming and money, and he was quite large so should have moved around more than what he did. Dont get me wrong Im just turned 24 right now and this was 4 years back I liked gaming too but meeting women and drinking was as fun.
After I started seeing her like the little seductive innocent girl in need of rescue (I know real textbook) I took it upon myself since i was already hooked to her sexual conversation and pictures she sent quite easily... something I know is not really a good sign of a healthy relationship to begin with, she was coming from a relationship which I remember wasn't even really ended yet.
She came up to my city (3-4h train which i paid for) a few trips and we had a blast, she showed me a whole new level of sex, it felt very to be honest "primitive" having sex with her and I lived in to a dominant role on a whole new level than before... I was hooked.
There where warning signs all over which I turned a blind eye to, there were always this feeling of a buried dog somewhere. I almost instinctly knew I had to play a little "game" in the texting and phoneconversation phase. But I somehow loved the ups and the downs, because I felt AS alive during the down parts too. We were only in a relationship for 3 months after I returned to sweden, having had very frequent and deep contact on the phone and chat when I was oversea for 7-8 months.
Bla bla you know how it all goes... in the end she talked about living with me in my city, telling me she wants to have a baby before she's 25 "she doesn't want to an old mom, would love to be a milf" (can't have a stable relationship and doesn't plan on it is my take on it at this moment).
1 week later on text she wants to break it off, she doesnt feel safe or some she says, doesn't give me one single reason why she's breaking up. I pur my heart out really getting real soft trying to win her back in a text battle 'cause she refused to pick up the phone. I have work the next day and its too far of a car ride to do at night and be back at morning. Anyway on the weekend I go down to face her and have a real break up face to face. I act like I dont give a I just have to see her face saying what she had said on text. Its like she's already moved on and doesnt give 2 flyings I traveled all the way down there.
She later on text me that day saying I really looked like I feelt just fine, and that I should return and sleep over. I had a friendly girl with me for moral suport on the trip which I had to let out of the car right before seeing my ex so that she didn't think I was now with this girl and freak out or point me out as a the jerk. So I couldnt return anyway + I had been in a car accident just minutes before driving away from meeting her (nothing serious just some old lady not looking while driving)... .all chaotic.
she comes up a few weeks later and im obsessed to see if I can win her over, she's all flirty on text but when we meet out with my friends for a few drinks shes really coming off in a way I had never seen before and could make no connection to the behaviour she had just had before meeting on the texts. I get upset that she's not caring and lay off my game trying to get down with her. She THEN goes saying okay I can sleep at yours, but don't tell anyone. (my friends are not any of hers really since we're from different citys anyway, and I knew none of hers really), it was the opposite of sexual contact Ive had with her, it afterwards felt like forced sex, she didn't act as enthusiastic and wanting as we'd been before but was putting it right in my face like her mind going "hey come ontard, me im letting you" its hard to explain.
I drop her of the next day at a pub and go in for a beer aswell, meet her ex junkie mother for the first time which I had heard so much about, and her junkie brother who they were visiting that was living in the same city as me. Her mother says something along the lines "oh you poor thing has she been good to you".
2/3 years later NC, she contact me on facebook chat (ive blocked her feed), she has broken up with her boyfriend for real, they have been living together for the last 2 years and hes a real junkie taking strong benzo, selling dope and what not. After spoken with her she says a few days later "hearing me saying I cared about her not taking as many sleeping pills as she is taking currently" (always more than her doctor say to compensate to smoking weed for escaping reality or her clouded selfimage I guess.) made her realize her ex did not care how she feels when he said "bleh take some benzo instead so you get reaaal high". She says she feels sick and tired of seeing him drooling on the couch like she had seen her mom for many years, and is fed up.
She doesnt want a relationship right now because she's finally free from his clutches she says and wants to "experience some things", I know exactly what she means and I think we all do, she just wants to, other people.
Says she never knew how much I cared since Ive said I never go back to exes ever before and she thought I had moved on completely long ago and she had been wanting to write to me.
bla bla we agree to keep contact cause well... Im a dumb and feel real good at moments talking to her again.
Ive not seen someone other than some club kissing the last year cause I've felt dishonest leading into bed with other women sooner or later realizing they feel more than I do... and that I can feel much stronger for someone else, so I slowly withdraw.
My dad also died 5 years ago and I never had a good connection with him, always had to hear my mom say he loves me but grew up in a family they never showed love with hugs or saying kind things, so it's always been her compensating for it, and she's a real people pleaser and managed that part quite well, and I didn't really realize that its some qualities from him that makes me somehow drawn emotionally to rollercoaster relationships. My first love was the same rollercoaster, 3 break ups, but now we know we've grown apart. All other girls up to this girl, I've never felt that strongly for and they've been consistent, which I know for a fact is very healthy... .
Now she wants to borrow about 500 bucks for some sudden bills involving her re-applyance to license which she lost right after taking it and asks me, I say I would need a signature on a private loanpaper sent to me, she projects it all on me how I "ooh hahahah I realllllly dont trust her". Which I have no reason to... I have said to her on the phone if she knows what BPD is, she says she has heard it before but dont quite know what it is. I say a few lines of what I remembered at the time and thought she could relate, and it felt like she did. Turns out she meets a therapeth 1-2 times a month for other reasons and is having an adhd label written to her.
Sure some impulsivness and a few other critique might overlap. But I just get a sense that she's even manipulated her therapeuth.
Ive read somewhere that borderlines are the among the worst patients because they sometimes manage to project everything into the listener and they become depressed or burnt out.
VERY LONG POST IM SORRY.
Felt good letting most of the basics out there for anyone to give me personal advice.
Its like I know I should stay away and I cant rescue her ever, she has to want to change, getting real selfawareness.
But I can't stop obsessing over her, it's like Im living in her world and I want to break free and live in myown but I dont know how to break the pattern of attraction I have to this destructive behaviour and her games. She stresses me to come down to her in a month (she was up here the other weekend with friends and I said I was out of town).
My brother who knows quite a bit is an unemployed doctor who's longest time working was in the phsyc section and had seen much misery and drugabuse. I cant 100% take in his words either because we've always been very unlike eachother, I need to hear it from an outsider I believe.
Thank you if you've stayed to the end of this thread,
Sincerely Destructive
