He's pushing for a commitment I know he can't even keep himself

[Lifewriter16]

Dear All,

Please forgive me for venting.

My BPDxbf is dysregulating over the issue of being friends. He wants to know where the relationship is going. He says we've been messing around for a year and now he wants to know otherwise he's going to get on with his life with someone else. He says it's nothing to do with his BPD (I only wish he were joking because it reeks of it). Basically, he doesn't like the ground rules of nothing but friendship until he stops being abusive. I watch him pushing me away and then pulling me back and it seems so obvious to me that it's BPD big-time, but he can not see it. He can't stand the insecurity, yet five days ago he was dysregulating at the prospect of being together and said he 'couldn't do it'. Just to be clear, I hadn't said I wanted us to be together, I said I wanted us to just be friends, but he wasn't listening to me. I know that if I said 'Let's get married', he'd pick a fight with me and dump me within a week telling me he only wanted to be friends and I'd rushed him. He has no insight into his behaviour at all. He says we should stop listening to the doubts we both have and get on with it. But to me, I don't have doubts about him, I simply will not commit to an abusive relationship. It's self-protection, it's fear of violence, it's not 'doubts'. Yet, he was the one who said 'Let's go slowly', now he's trying to hurry me into living happily ever after with him just because he's freaked out. There is no happily ever after here.

What makes this whole commitment thing even more laughable, is that when I've tried to arrange a day trip with him, he can't even commit to that. More often than not, he backs out because I do something he doesn't like. He dysregulates whenever there's talk of getting closer, like when he suggested renting a flat nearby. I think he just wants to find a way to blame me for breaking us up.

I just want time. He won't give it to me. He's doing his utmost to pressurise me into doing what he wants me to do, but I just can't do that and if I did it would backfire. Indeed, it backfires whatever I do as far as I can see.

Lifewriter

[Invictus01]

Tell him to get on with his life. And cut this particular friend off. Nobody needs friends who pressure you into something you don't wanna do.

[blissful_camper]

How serious are you about fostering a healthy dynamic between you and your ex?  The reason I'm asking is your ground rules have established a system of withholding and reward. 

It takes two to tango. 

[Lifewriter16]

Blissful camper - tell me how you see it, because I can see something is very wrong.

Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

You know, Blissful Camper, I sat and thought if I was serious about creating a healthy dynamic between my BPDxbf and I and I realised that I'm not. I don't want to be responsible for the direction of this relationship because I wouldn't know a healthy relationship if it hit me in the face. I am fed up of my needs being ignored. I am fed up of being pushed around. I don't want someone to be so close to me that I can not breathe. I'd rather be on my own than be hoping for a miracle and feeling responsible for every single failure. It's sad, but it's making me behave insanely too.

I've ended it. We'll be better off without each other. Our relationship had become a nightmare. The thing that kept us together was love. Unfortunately, neither of us has the skills that we'd need to make it work.

Thank God that's finally over.

Lifewriter

[blissful_camper]

Lifewriter, I feel that it's not a healthy situation if you're feeling the need to set up ground rules because of abuse.   I can understand your wanting change, wanting to make it work.  But can we really foster change within ourselves and do that within a relationship when the other party may not have similar goals?  

I believe that we attract what we need, so that we can grow and learn.    

What advice would you offer me if I said "Life, he is abusing me, what is my best course of action?"  

>> > I wrote the above before your most recent post >> >

You've ended it.  What's your next step?

Your turn... .



BC

[myself]

Sometimes it seems the borderline is where we face the choice of how much more we're going to take/to give. Do we stay together or go our own ways.   

[Lifewriter16]

My next step, blissful camper, is to keep posting on the Personal Inventory Board, working through my own core issues and healing my co-dependency. I'm going to read more books, keep writing and keep crying where necessary. Hopefully, the right counsellor is in the pipeline and I'll have some face-to-face support relatively soon. I have started lots of activities to keep me busy, tackle my social isolation and start building a life for myself.

Over the last three weeks, I have been presented with the option of re-connecting with any of three unsuitable men (my AS ex-husband, my BPDxbf and the old flame whom I suspect could have NPD), all of whom say they love me. I have realised that the anxiety I feel when I am around them all is due to me knowing deep down that I don't want to be with them. Despite this, I feel that if they want me, I have to oblige. I have kept myself trapped in relationships I didn't really want to be in. This has even extended to having sex with men that I don't want to have sex with. I know it's crazy. I'm so co-dependent that I take it to extremes and completely ignore my own feelings. I'm so focused upon not hurting other people, that I hurt myself. I'm beginning to think that it's okay to end a relationship even if that person says they love me. I don't have to focus upon others to the exclusion of myself. I do not have to continue in a relationship that doesn't make me happy even if it could break his heart. What a relief. I have been forced to face this issue head on. Circumstances meant that I could no longer avoid it.

Myself, I agree. It is a matter of how much I'm willing to give in comparison with how much I expect to receive in return and I think I've given quite enough. When I met my BPDxbf for coffee on Thursday, as friends (supposedly), he turned up saying he had no money to pay for either his drink or his lunch. I paid but determined it would be for the very last time. It struck me that there's no point in shacking up with a man who can't even afford to pay for his own coffee. He's always taken the p*ss financially. What kind of life would I have with him sponging off me?

Right now, I'm not even sure if I like him anymore. It's time to move on.

Thanks for your replies everyone,

Love Lifewriter

[once removed]

Despite this, I feel that if they want me, I have to oblige. I have kept myself trapped in relationships I didn't really want to be in. This has even extended to having sex with men that I don't want to have sex with. I know it's crazy. I'm so co-dependent that I take it to extremes and completely ignore my own feelings. I'm so focused upon not hurting other people, that I hurt myself.

youre doing great work here lifewriter. i just wanted to add, i noticed this, and its a pattern im very familiar with. you may want to consider looking into a concept called self efficacy, or you may very well know about it. i didnt know the term for it, and when it comes to romantic relationships, its been a pretty apt label for some of my patterns.

this was the link that originally taught me about it, followed by a link on it here:

https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/self-identity-problems/

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78298.0

[Lifewriter16]

Hi once removed,

Thanks for the links. I get what you're saying. I can build upon my belief in my ability to fashion my own life. I don't have to just accept what comes my way regardless of whether I want it or not.

I'd like to add another factor that has led me into co-dependency and that's the family value that you must be nice to people. My mother would say: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." I learnt my lesson well. The whole focus of my upbringing was on not hurting people, being nice to them, helping them and not wanting anything for myself. I was taught that a Christian puts other people first and themselves last. I suspect I took the things my mother said as gospel truth because of my AS - my literal mind in operation. But, it has served me terribly. I let being nice to someone, giving him the benefit of the doubt, not hurting him (by getting the hell out of there as fast as my little legs would carry me because I felt intimidated and frightened) override my intuition that I was in a risky situation and it led to me being raped. I was 18 at the time.

I made teddy bears for my first boyfriend. A number of years later, he asked me why I hadn't given them mouths. It all sounds very Freudian. I am learning to allow myself to have a voice.

Love Lifewriter

[patientandclear]

How serious are you about fostering a healthy dynamic between you and your ex?  The reason I'm asking is your ground rules have established a system of withholding and reward. 

It takes two to tango. 

Blissful Camper, can you explain this a bit more? I hadn't thought about it, but I'm realizing that either the way boundaries are taught here (on Staying at least) or the way I interpreted that, has a lot of withholding and reward built in. Leave till X stops and then return, most often. In my case I tended to ratchet down the emotional access my ex had to me so long as maintained a friends only position. Etc.

Is that withholding and reward or is that appropriate boundaries?

[blissful_camper]

In relationships where one is at the receiving end of abuse (BPD or not), I feel that a healthier course of action is to exit the relationship/friendship.  When at the receiving end of abuse, withholding and rewarding (while remaining in the relationship) seems like a form of bargaining.  (Is it healthy to bargain/negotiate with an abuser?)  It also presents risks (e.g. the abuse escalating from verbal/emotional to physical).  To me, a boundary is extricating oneself from the relationship and encouraging the partner or friend to seek professional help.  

(There are some therapists who won't treat partners of abusers until the partner has exited the relationship.  The reason for this is it puts the therapist in the position of enabling the relationship if the partner is treated while remaining in the r/s.)

[once removed]

not to just keep turning you to links, but have you read this?:

falling in love with an unavailable person: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a117.htm

specifically: "Martyr's complex: Some of us have a martyr's complex. We feel superior when we suffer in the name of love. We wear abuse like a badge of courage. In a twisted sort of way this actually elevates our self-esteem. Christians especially fall into this trap. They think that because Christ died on the cross for the sins of mankind that we should die on the cross for the sins of our partner. Some Christians read in the Bible that "love bears all things" and we think that this includes abuse. I don't think it does. Non-Christians fall into this trap also. They listen to the song "Stand by your man," and think it is romantic to stick with a relationship no matter what."

i only found this recently and it was a tough, but welcomed, slap in the face. i wouldnt say i have a complex. im not saying you do either. only that we can all be misguided in how we apply what the bible tells us. i cant sit here and tell you ive since drawn all the right lines, either. but i thought of this time after time in my BPD relationship. that i must rise above. that i must be able to tolerate the abuse. to be stronger. theres a kernel of truth there, but we should not tolerate abuse. surely you have also heard of righteous anger.

putting others first is a value of mine and an article of faith. it always will be, and im proud of it. i would never discourage you from it either. but these days, i am reevaluating what it means to me, what turning the other cheek means to me, what giving someone the shirt off my back means to me. when we learn to psychologically put ourselves first its very unnatural. for example, i often feel guilty when i set a boundary with some people. i dont think my guilt comes from disobeying my faith. but i have used my faith to extinguish my guilt and gp back on my boundaries before.

im so sorry that your trusting nature led to you being raped, and at such a vulnerable age, lifewriter  . you do have a voice, a strong one, and im very glad you are finding it.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi once removed,

I think the Christian doctrine I've been fed over the years was very much a martyr doctrine, but I don't think it really resonated with me. I remember hearing about people dying for their faith and I said to God: "If you push me to the limits of sacrifice, I will let you down. I suggest you don't do that". There's no way I'm going to die for my faith. But, I'm still surrounded by people who think that way and thus I have to fight the tide of popular opinion. My mother's not-so-helpful motto is: "You've made your bed, now lie in it." I have spent years struggling with the guilt and shame involved in seeking a divorce. Even though I am now divorced, there are still people trying to get me to return to what they see to be 'God's best for me' and no doubt, plenty of others tittle-tattling about me. Quite frankly, if that were the best God had for me, there's no way I'd bother with God at all. Thankfully, I can see that these other people are just very damaged and immature people who mistake their own discomfort with the will of God. I have faith on my own terms, but I've had to fight for my freedom.

The reason I struggle with my BPDxbf is not because I feel I have to suffer and rise above his abuse and be loving inspite of it, but because I actually love him and felt such a connection with him when he was lucid, that I truly believed he was 'my' man. I've had to come to terms with letting 'my' man go because his behaviour is completely at odds with my values.  I have had to find a way to integrate the beliefs that he could have been intended for me but he's just too damaged for me to be with him. These are probably silly beliefs just like most of the ones I've encountered in churches so I am gradually letting them go. I suspect that it's more to do with having experienced so little connection with men that I'm overwhelmed by the little he gave me and chose to believe it was of more significance that it really was. I am choosing to believe that I was wrong, to buy my freedom.

If I can be so bold as to say what I really feel: I hate the church. And I hate half of the people it churns out. How's that for Christian values?

Anyway, I can only do what I can do right now.

Thanks for your post. It was a useful starting point to reflect from.

Love Lifewriter x