Has anyone ever "won" back their BPD ex

[Corgicuddler95]

You hear a lot of stories of BPDs getting back wth exes they broke up with but the BPD seems to always be the one deciding this. Has anyone ever been dropped by their BPD ex then been able to persuade them to give it another shot? It seems for people so controlled by the feelings it would be unlikely.

As someone who got broken up with a few months ago, I guess I just want to know that there was little I could/can do and that reconciliation would have to be up to them to decide without me interference (though I'm not sure I'd want that)

[borderdude]

Yes, but I did not fight, I only kept to my values and boundaries, and when I should collect the premium I did not want it.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Yes, I did do this.  Yet the amount of love and sacrifice involved left me broken, and empty.  Now I have a beautiful partner best friend and lover.  My ex, well she has a second chance with someone new, herself.  She knows who she is and lives with her illness the best she can.  We don't talk and its best that way.  If you want to win her over, you must always lead with love,  all your reaching out must come from a place of good will.  .  Most of your actions will have to be of kidness to indifference.  Love to hate, understanding to her  anger.  Yet,  it may not be worth it in the end.  Your kinda want to think of it how a father responds to a toddler.  The child lack skills, so the adult is patient.  Example.  A loving parent will be patient if a child is afraid thiers a monster under the bed.  Even though its not.  A loving parent understands.  You would have to be as well because BPDs feelings seem real to them no matter how odd it may seem to us.  Please let us know how it goes.  If   good luck.

[Corgicuddler95]

Yes, I did do this.  Yet the amount of love and sacrifice involved left me broken, and empty.  Now I have a beautiful partner best friend and lover.  My ex, well she has a second chance with someone new, herself.  She knows who she is and lives with her illness the best she can.  We don't talk and its best that way.  If you want to win her over, you must always lead with love,  all your reaching out must come from a place of good will.  .  Most of your actions will have to be of kidness to indifference.  Love to hate, understanding to her  anger.  Yet,  it may not be worth it in the end.  Your kinda want to think of it how a father responds to a toddler.  The child lack skills, so the adult is patient.  Example.  A loving parent will be patient if a child is afraid thiers a monster under the bed.  Even though its not.  A loving parent understands.  You would have to be as well because BPDs feelings seem real to them no matter how odd it may seem to us.  Please let us know how it goes.  If   good luck.

As I said I'm not even sure if I want to. I think it's just that so many feelings have reamerged seeing her again.

How did you even start the process? I'm painted black and im not even sure she would talk to me one on one at the moment.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Every opportunity to display love was taken advantage of even though thier was nothin in it for me.  It took two months before a response.  Her reaction was negative.  Of course my response was more love.  That's it.  Most people expect gratitude, or respect.  Yet, I only wanted to show love because that's what was in my heart.  It really didn't have anything to do with her.  They were my feelings.  So it was natural for me.  Yet, when they changed, or simply put, I wanted to be loved.  When it was clear after sacrificeing myself that was never going to happen.  That was it.  Look this is how I won a BPD over.  ...   not saying it is healthy or recommending it just sharing an honest experience.  Do I regret it. No, just regret it didnt happen sooner.

[Corgicuddler95]

Every opportunity to display love was taken advantage of even though thier was nothin in it for me.  It took two months before a response.  Her reaction was negative.  Of course my response was more love.  That's it.  Most people expect gratitude, or respect.  Yet, I only wanted to show love because that's what was in my heart.  It really didn't have anything to do with her.  They were my feelings.  So it was natural for me.  Yet, when they changed, or simply put, I wanted to be loved.  When it was clear after sacrificeing myself that was never going to happen.  That was it.  Look this is how I won a BPD over.  ...   not saying it is healthy or recommending it just sharing an honest experience.  Do I regret it. No, just regret it didnt happen sooner.

Thanks. We finally had a chat yesterday about everything and it's clear my ex has no desire to be in a relationship right now. She's starting her university course this week and I don't want to be extra hassle to her but I'm going to talk to her and show I care.

[borderdude]

Acts of "love" will be seen as a weakness, if you want to win her back , redraw attention and go for someone else.

[goateeki]

Yes, I did do this.  Yet the amount of love and sacrifice involved left me broken, and empty.  Now I have a beautiful partner best friend and lover.  My ex, well she has a second chance with someone new, herself.  She knows who she is and lives with her illness the best she can.  We don't talk and its best that way.  If you want to win her over, you must always lead with love,  all your reaching out must come from a place of good will.  .  Most of your actions will have to be of kidness to indifference.  Love to hate, understanding to her  anger.  Yet,  it may not be worth it in the end.  Your kinda want to think of it how a father responds to a toddler.  The child lack skills, so the adult is patient.  Example.  A loving parent will be patient if a child is afraid thiers a monster under the bed.  Even though its not.  A loving parent understands.  You would have to be as well because BPDs feelings seem real to them no matter how odd it may seem to us.  Please let us know how it goes.  If   good luck.

To me, it's very hard to see how viewing another this way (as a child that tests the limits of patience) would also permit her to be a romantic partner.  I think it would be impossible to believe that someone has the emotional maturity of a child, treat them as we might treat a child, and still have any sort of romantic interest in them. 

The woman I am with now... .we don't deplete one another.  We support and sustain one another. We are stronger and happier together (both of us) than either of us might be individually.  It's like synergy, I guess.  The combined energy of the two of us together actually feels greater than the mathematical 1 + 1 of two individuals together. 

My diagnosed BPD ex wife absolutely exhausted me all of the time.  There was never a moment that I felt at all cared for, or that I mattered to her.  I know this now because I have perspective, the perspective that you get when you are involved with someone who is mature and emotionally healthy. 

Perhaps it's worthwhile questioning why one would want to be involved with a pwBPD again. I now believe that there was a fair amount of egotism in my belief that I could always make things work with my ex wife (because I'm a kind of superman, right?).  I wonder if "winning" back a BPD ex involves something similar. 

[Infern0]

Nah i don't think it's possible or something to strive for

I have got back with my BPDex but usually when she ends things i'm pretty much ready for a "break" at that point so i'll agree with it, then go NC, and usually she'll be back within a few weaks.

Chasing them just makes them run away faster.

[OnceConfused]

Corgi:

Our tendency is to go back to something familiar because it is easy to restart an broken down car then trying to start a brand new one. Just go through your apartment or closet to see how many old dusty things that you still have, despite the facts that you have not used them in years.

see the replied post from Infern0 ,

I have got back with my BPDex but usually when she ends things i'm pretty much ready for a "break" at that point so i'll agree with it, then go NC, and usually she'll be back within a few weaks

ask a philosophical question as to why Infern0 would go back to BPDex, knowing the break will come and then the reconciliation would follow in a few weeks. From the mind's standpoint , that action does not make any sense, but that is exactly what our heart will do.

Let's us getting back to the fundamentals. First of all, let's us define what is love? Gary Chapman said it well in his book, the five love languages, that there are 2 kinds of love: the Fallling in love and the emotional love. Falling in love is the initial feeling that brings us to the other person, this is all about US, how we feel. Falling in love feeling will be gone in about 2 years, and then if the couple is to remain in the r.s. the emotional love must be maintained.

Emotional love is the one that last for the rest of the r.s. It is a not a feeling about how we feel, but about how we treat the other person. What I do to you is like pouring the right kind of fuel, or gas, into your love engine to keep it running, you then in turn pour the right kind of fuel into my love engine. The emotional love is a 2 way street, otherwise being one way street, the engine of the giver will soon run dry.

What you have now is the falling in love feeling, but then when you are back with BPD, the emotional love does not exist because BPD does not pour the right kind of fuel into your love engine. That is why you have felt UNLOVED, frustrated , confused with BPD.

Goateeki also supports this theory with his post :

The woman I am with now... .we don't deplete one another.  We support and sustain one another. We are stronger and happier together (both of us) than either of us might be individually.  It's like synergy, I guess.  The combined energy of the two of us together actually feels greater than the mathematical 1 + 1 of two individuals together. 

Then Goateeki mentioned about his r.s w BPD :

My diagnosed BPD ex wife absolutely exhausted me all of the time.  There was never a moment that I felt at all cared for, or that I mattered to her.  I know this now because I have perspective, the perspective that you get when you are involved with someone who is mature and emotionally healthy

Me the same way my friend. I was exhausted, frustrated and confused with the xBPDgf to the point of seeking professional therapy only after 5 weeks with her. After leaving xBPDgf, I met my now wife to whom I have married for the past 8 years. Guess what, we only have argued twice, as opposed to daily with xBPDgf.  Life is much more enjoyable with the right person.

Hope this helps you clear out your attaching heart and let your clear mind dictate your next action.

May you have all the green lights.

[Corgicuddler95]

I'm not worrying anymore. Me and my ex talked about stuff like we should of two months ago.

I got some of the closure I wanted to but then the next day she decided she never wanted to ever speak to me again and thinks my behaviour is "inappropriate and frankly terrifying", I believe because I sometimes confided and vented to mutual friends and occasionally asked them how she was doing during no contact.

But yeah it's clear any thing I did or could do now will just push her away as everything I do will be seen in the most negative light. At least I feel free now, it's her loss.