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elessar
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« on: September 25, 2015, 02:23:34 PM » |
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I was going to post this under a new profile, because I am ashamed that I am still writing about her over 2.5 yrs after joining this site, and over 10 years after being in this on/off thing with her. She contacted me in mid-March, right after her wedding broke off two weeks before her wedding day. She had decided to get married last July to someone else after knowing him about a month or so (arranged marriage). In the beginning I was distant, and we got a little close in June, but it was mostly distant and we would still get into arguments a few times whenever the past came up.
In early August she told me she has to go to Vegas for a conference. I instinctively asked if I can join you (and regretted it!). She said yes. But over next few weeks she got angry at me about something else. And she is now talking to someone else about marriage for past few weeks and wanted me to know she does not want a romantic trip. But all September she was extremely nice and chatty with me (I believe because trip was coming up).
We went last week and had two beds. Thursday we slept separate. Friday morning I sat next to her on her bed and while talking affectionately put an arm on her over her blanket. She said it might not be a safe idea, so I went back to my bed. 5 minutes later she came over to my bed and cuddled. Eventually we were making out and she was naked. She told me her brain is telling her we shouldn't be doing this, but she cannot say no. She asked about condoms, and I said I do have them, and asked me to take off my pants because she couldn't feel me, but we never had intercourse because I never explicitly heard it from her and I didn't want to make a false move and have her get angry. Friday night we were in separate beds watching TV. But she wasn't watching so I went and sat on her bed and asked her what she wants to watch. When I got up to leave, she said I can stay. So I sat down. Since she wasn't watching TV at all, I shut it off and laid down to sleep. After a few minutes she asked if I am sleeping on her bed, and I asked whatever you wish. She just laughed a little and said nothing, and after a few seconds came closer and we cuddled. Nothing else happened and we cuddled and fell asleep. Saturday night we went to a party from her conference and had 4-6 drinks each. After the 4th or 5th drink she started treating me much more nicely and soon started dancing with me and kissing me a little. Later when we left she was walking fine but sometimes we were holding hands because sometimes she was being a little tipsy. Once in room I helped take off her dress. And then she removed her bra and panties saying she is feeling very hot. She was talkative about party and seemed alert to me. I was on her bed lying next to her. After a while I asked her if I can kiss you and she said yes. A while after that she asked "are we going to have sex", and I asked do you want to have sex. She turned towards me and kissed me and soon we had sex. She was talkative during it, even asked me if I love her (which is what she asks every time we have sex after she comes back). It just felt as normal as every other time. A few minutes into round 2 she asked me to get off because she was exhausted, which I did, and we both fell asleep. All of this was very normal for us.
Sunday all day she was in a good mood. She brought up sex from previous night a few times. She thanked me for taking care of her, and then said "although I thanked you already last night". I never liked that sentence because for 5 years she has treated sex as a favor to me or a gift to me or repaying me for something nice I did. She did ask if we used condoms, and she did not remember me helping her going to pee. Else she remembered everything from the previous night. Later on she said she wants to take a nap after we reach Grand Canyon, and not do sight seeing right away. When we got there and I went to change, she was under her blanket and left half her bed open for me. When I got in, she wasn't wearing any pants and told me she has been horny all day and had been wanting it since morning. She said she is breaking every promise she made to herself about not doing this with me. We had sex, napped, then went out to the Canyon and had a great time together. During dinner we got into an argument and it led to topics of the past. After learning about SET strategy, I tried to be neutral but it kept going and going from the restaurant to the hotel, and while packing her clothes she just turned her face halfway towards me and told me with a half-smirk on her face "you know, last night wasn't consensual. I didn't consent to the sex. I would have never said yes if I wasn't drunk." (already a contradiction). I was too shocked to reply. She went to bed, and woke me at 1:30 for night photography. I was emotionally exhausted after what she had said and didn't want to leave, so she said we will go at 4am, which we did. She was fine then, and also in morning, but she was a little upset we didn't see sunrise which was one of my main goals. But after her comments from the previous night, I had lost all interest in everything. Then she asked if we are going to a certain place, and I said no because it was 4 hours away. And she completely lost it and started screaming and abusing me that I never listen to her and she never said no to not going there. Back in early August, I wanted to see that place but she wanted to come to the current place because it was more popular. I told her I have been sending you schedules for a month, which she never looked at. So she never knew what I planned. And that is one of our most common fights - she doesn't plan or help in planning, and finds faults in later fights in anything I had planned. For 5 years I have asked her, what do you want to do and she never has an answer. It frustrates me because I feel I am the one planning, doing what I might like, and she uses that against me. Well, after finding out we aren't going there her screaming wouldn't stop, then she went back to the non-consensual sex accusations and now it was all about how she was drunk out of her mind, couldn't walk properly, was in no position to give consent, didn't even remember going to bathroom, and that I took advantage of her condition. After she went on for a while I finally snapped and told her - I would never do that to you or hurt you, I asked you every step of the way, the way I ask you about everything and I got your consent every time. But if you really think I had non-consensual sex with you, then it is a grave crime and you should go call the police and I will fight you in court. Her reply was - "I only wanted a sorry. You can't even accept your mistake and say a sorry."
I have been so scared of her rage over last 4.5 years, I never ever plan or do anything without her permission. After 4-5 hours of tantrums and screaming and silent treatment (I was silent too), she started talking a little and was getting a bit fine towards the night when we had to take the flight back. I had calmed down enough to tell her I didn't do anything to her on purpose and that I honestly felt she was completely aware and was consenting throughout the act. But if she feels otherwise, I profoundly apologize. But that just drove her angry once again and her story for the next 12 hrs till we parted ways was I didn't respect her by bringing condoms. She didn't want anything romantic to happen, and I disrespected her by bringing condoms, and she is done with me forever (something I have heard a billion times... .). But even if we didn't have condoms in past and needed it around her ovulating time, we would go buy it or take other precautions to prevent pregnancy. Unfortunately, she has complained many times in the past when she knows I have condoms. She sees it as me expecting sex and that is an insult to her because she considers herself a religious and practicing Muslim.
Few hours after parting ways, she messaged me about the finances for the trip and texted any photos of me she had taken. She paid for hotel, and when I had landed last week she told me I can pay for everything and we will do the math later. I had sent her a file with whatever I had paid on my credit card and divided it in half. And now her angry texts were about me being petty and cheap and charging her for pizza and coffee and other little things. I had forgotten to put down what I had paid in cash, and now she was mocking why don't I put that in my list too. I have no desire in charging her for little things. I have spent thousands of dollars on her, because she doesn't believe a woman should pay when she is dating a man. I only followed her instructions of writing down and dividing later, and even that led to her anger. And now for the last 3 days she has been silent. And deleted me from FB for the umpteenth time (which I knew would happen the moment she had added me anyway).
I have given her too much power, but nowhere in my actions on Saturday night do I think I took advantage of her or that she had no idea what was happening or was incapable of consent. 4 years back after a fight she once compared me to her uncles (who sexually abused her for 3 yrs) saying I always want to have sex. While dating, we used to have sex ~3x a month (whenever we spent the night together) and I never thought that was too much. Even if it was, I couldn't understand how wanting physical intimacy, while dating, can be compared to sex abusers. I don't understand if she really feels I took advantage of her, or she said that to win the argument and put the dagger even deeper inside me, or she said that because she was feeling guilty as she didn't want to have physical relations with me, or it was her excuse to again leave me as the trip was coming to a close and she had the new guy, which is what she does every time before she leaves. And that is exactly what I had asked in June which made us distant again "would you take a dump on me and leave when a new object of interest comes along?"
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