Really need advice please

[jammo1989]

A lot of you already know my story regarding my ex, currently 13 months NC, well my replacement was pushed to get her pregnant as soon as possible because I refused to give her one, well she dumped him a week after their one year anniversary and when the baby was only one month old, she has also cut and run and has blocked him from seeing his child I in-defiantly.  He is now focused on taking her to court for full custody of that child.  I don't know this guy but I am I only going to act on and with the advice that I'm given.  I feel so sorry for this poor guy, and I have such an urge to message him and let him know that I'm the only one who understands what he's going through and that I was going to be in the same boat as him.  I also know about BPD where as he doesn't know anything apart from her being a malicious woman.  Would it be a big mistake to help him in the worry that he may one day tell my ex we have spoken, or do I resist my good nature and let him work it all out for himself?

I would really appreciate any advice based on experience please, thank you all, as usual you are all the first people I come to regarding this topic.

[enlighten me]

This is a tough call.

Firstly I would like to ask why you are so worried about your ex finding out if you spoke to him?

I think this would have to be a conscience call unless it involves a crime then you are duty bound tp report it.

Sorry I know its not the answer your looking for but it would be wrong of me to give this sort of advice.

[BoundaryGal]

Hi there,

I wonder if it is possible to anonymously get some information through to this man about BPD for him to consider. That might be the "middle road" between doing nothing, and jumping back in to get involved.

[jammo1989]

This is a tough call.

Firstly I would like to ask why you are so worried about your ex finding out if you spoke to him?

I think this would have to be a conscience call unless it involves a crime then you are duty bound tp report it.

Sorry I know its not the answer your looking for but it would be wrong of me to give this sort of advice.

The reason why I don't want him potentially saying he spoke to me is because, she has this unstable temper that thankfully I never had to witness, maybe this was due to mirroring as I'm a really laid back guy.  The ex before me was threatened with a knife, his mum was slapped and she ended up in anger management.  I also think she's the kind of person to turn up at my house and make threats.  Her mum who she doesn't talk to because of me is the crazy sort as well and has a name for herself regarding her violent outbursts.  I feel such a strong emotion about wanting to help him because I know his son is in phychological trouble if she manages to manipulate the court, because she will try to destroy his life through using the child as a weapon growing up *your dad never wanted you* etc.  I know it's none of my business, but it hurts me enough knowing that the 2 children I fell for immensely when I was with her 3 and 6 are going to grow up just as messed up as her, something has to be done, her 3 year old has already seen 3 guys maybe even 4 guys waking up in her bed while at the same time the 3 year old asks where the last guy is (blocked and deleted) her 6 year old son just sits there in a fog when she was with me because he knows he has to protect his mum (brainwashed) even though she is damaging his social skills and his attitude towards other men.  It's so sad and at times even know it makes me really mad and I can't let it carry over to this 3rd child, even if it isn't my business.

[AwakenedOne]

... .my replacement was pushed to get her pregnant as soon as possible because I refused to give her one... .

Are you saying that the guy intentionally got her pregnant as a result of her coaxing him to do it? A year minus nine months would make it that only three months or less that that guy would of even known her.

If the answer is yes, that guy has some serious problems of his own for making that decision.

[FannyB]

I agree with BoundaryGal.

You're clearly not acting out of revenge - so a note through his letterbox pointing him towards this site or BPD in general is probably the moral thing to do. I would only do it though if there was little chance of it being traced back to you - otherwise you'll have a Karpman triangle playing out!   

[jammo1989]

... .my replacement was pushed to get her pregnant as soon as possible because I refused to give her one... .

Are you saying that the guy intentionally got her pregnant as a result of her coaxing him to do it? A year minus nine months would make it that only three months or less that that guy would of even known her.

If the answer is yes, that guy has some serious problems of his own for making that decision.

The one thing he had dreamed about was having a son of his own, she push/pulled me, then blocked me, the day after he slept at her house and 2 days later they were Facebook official, she got pregnant 2 months into the relationship (planned) because she was on the coil, 1 month after giving birth she dumps him and blocks him just like she did to me, and told him you will never see your child again, he never cheated, was abusive m 100% certain she just got what she wanted from him and cut him off, now he said he's going to fight every last penny so that he can have full custody of his son who's only a month old. She took advantage of his good and loving nature and I could have bee him if I had not told her I'm not having a baby with you.

[jammo1989]

I agree with BoundaryGal.

You're clearly not acting out of revenge - so a note through his letterbox pointing him towards this site or BPD in general is probably the moral thing to do. I would only do it though if there was little chance of it being traced back to you - otherwise you'll have a Karpman triangle playing out!   

There is no revenge needed FannyB, this is a guy with a lot of empathy for innocent party's, in this case 3 children, now that I understand the psychology I feel like I need to at least point this guy in the right direction.  Her 3 year old is scared of men, it took me just under a year to gain her trust, carried her everywhere, put her to bed, red her story's, and in return I disappear, and all the child could say was where's James mummy? She sees different men waking up in her mums bed, this is only going to lead to a boy who hates men because in his eyes they all hurt his mum (lies) and a girl that will either think it's ok to sleep with men casually without discipline or be scared of them like she is now because they all hurt her mum then leave.

[have gone nc]

Hey, I haven't posted in a while but this post made me feel like I should comment. The first thing that absolutely SCREAMED out at me was RESCUER! I to have been in the same situation, thanks to now having two exBPD partners. I wanted to tell the new people my ex was around, previous partners they have had to help them, friends etc etc. This is something that both you and I and most probably most people on here really need to address because it's no doubt what got us involved with a BPD in the first place. He is an adult, who decided to have a child extremely soon after getting with someone, and no doubt sat with your ex helping her comment on how much of a bad guy you are and that they are better than you. He laid his own bed and let him lay in it. He sounds so deeply emotionally immature anyway and I doubt he would even get what you was telling him, also he could tell her you told him and then your back in the game! Rescue yourself. Take care of you. And let them do the same... .

[jammo1989]

Hey, I haven't posted in a while but this post made me feel like I should comment. The first thing that absolutely SCREAMED out at me was RESCUER! I to have been in the same situation, thanks to now having two exBPD partners. I wanted to tell the new people my ex was around, previous partners they have had to help them, friends etc etc. This is something that both you and I and most probably most people on here really need to address because it's no doubt what got us involved with a BPD in the first place. He is an adult, who decided to have a child extremely soon after getting with someone, and no doubt sat with your ex helping her comment on how much of a bad guy you are and that they are better than you. He laid his own bed and let him lay in it. He sounds so deeply emotionally immature anyway and I doubt he would even get what you was telling him, also he could tell her you told him and then your back in the game! Rescue yourself. Take care of you. And let them do the same... .

Wow have gone! You have absolutely hit the nail on the head, yeah I am rescuer but for the kids not for her, but what you said about him being emotionally immature and not understanding a word I was saying was extremely true, he used to post comments on Facebook saying things like I hate it when lies are told and I keep such things so close to my heart.  So yeah, very emotional guy, and as far as the not understanding I know he wouldn't because it's not in his personality to do so he's a boy racer, and a bit of a chav.  Thank you for that response it's really helped me a lot, as I can imagine they would have b___ed about me and amplified all my flaws in order for him to look like a God (put on a pedestool).

[Skip]

It is a huge violation of to contact her ex / biofather and inject yourself into their relationship and custody conflict. She will despise you. You family and friends will not see this well either.

You have absolutely hit the nail on the head, yeah I am rescuer but for the kids... .

How are you helping them - planning/hoping to rescue them from their mother?

[JRT]

Jammo

I look at it this way from a fathers perspective. A parent who is working within the framework of the best intentions of their child has a fundamental legal right to be active in the life of their child. Any attempt my the mother or anyone else to bar that parent from this entitlement is simply manipulating the legal system to their own (temporary) end and in doing so is violating the spirit and intent of the law and fairness. Should you decide to contact this man and assist him in building a case against the mother, you would be working towards assisting justice and restoring his rights under the law.

If ever I were in a predicament like his, I would appreciate it even if you reached out to me for moral support. I betcha he knows all about you and right now is second guessing his ex's conventional wisdom.

[Skip]

... has a fundamental legal right to be active in the life of their child. Any attempt my the mother or anyone else to bar that parent from this entitlement is simply manipulating the legal system to their own (temporary) end and in doing so is violating the spirit and intent of the law and fairness. 

JRT,

I share these values with you. The courts will give the father access.

As I understand the question, Jammo is wondering if he can contact the ex-bf and relay some critical information that would help him win his case (like his suspicion that she is BPD/HPD) without her finding out.

Where this seems flawed to me is:

~ This couple is only one month apart - they may resolve their differences and reunite.

~ Does the ex-bf (Jammo) inflame this dispute and reduce that chance?

~ Is a non-testifying ex-boyfriend a legal asset in a custody matter?

~ Does Jammo want to have his exgf hate him? Maintaining secrecy is not likely.

If ever I were in a predicament like his, I would appreciate it even if you reached out to me for moral support.

This is probably true.