Light dysregulation over piano moving

[formflier]

I'm not in a position to write out long explanations.

But there a big huff going on with with my wife and her parents.  Yelling over pianos

I suspect I'm kinda involved because she wanted me to move it.

I move lots of stuff... .but I don't move pianos. 

Right now my wife is in the other side of the house talking loudly about how she doesn't matter and isn't going to worry about it... .and nobody is going to tell her what she can and can't do.

I think I told her I wasn't going to move it and her dad said he wasn't and so she was claiming she would do it by herself.

Big yelling match of her dad saying "you can't" and my wife saying "I can"

Sigh... .maybe I'll go for a walk and come back later when this blows over... .

FF

[formflier]

 

Perhaps I witnessed something coming back from childhood today... .or perhaps it really was about the dynamics of a piano.

Somehow my wife had it in her head that it "was no big deal" for me to move one several states to her sisters house.  "It would be a nice thing to do".

Note:  At no time was I actually asked. 

When I tried to approach her about this I first clarified that she understood I had no intention of moving our piano up here when we move.  She is all onboard with that and understood that I don't move pianos.  Last couple times I have been roped into this I ended up hurt, frustrated... not good.

Well she wanted me to do it anyway.  I didn't "get into it" with her.  I don't move pianos, not mine, or other peoples was my answer.  I said it once, evenly.

She then stated she suspected it was due to her sister and not the piano. 

My response to her was said firmly but evenly.

"It upsets me that you are telling me that this is about your sister and not about that I don't move pianos... .period.  Let's stay away from mindreading."

She said something to the effect of "fine... we'll take care of the piano" and went inside the house.

She walks in and tells kids to get shoes on they are going to go move piano.

I go to other side of house to relax and stay out of it.

Her Dad was telling her to leave it alone.  She was telling him that he couldn't tell her what to do.  It went back and forth and got louder and louder.

Her Mom gets in on this and is telling her not to speak to her father this way.

Really not sure how it ended.  There were some retorts by my wife of "you just costed her a free piano"

I'm assuming she is speaking of the sister.

How this is/was related to our discussion outside or what other dynamic is at play here.  I have no idea.

I took dog and several kids for a walk.  I'm back now... all the adults seem to have retreated to their own rooms to watch TV and ignore each other.

To my knowledge no pianos have been moved or loaded.

Do I ask my wife What the heck?  Pretend it never happened?

Try to ask what the yelling between her and her Father is about.

He is/used to be the white knight.  This is twice now (within a year... .I think it's within 6 months) that I have heard her yelling at him. 

Never... .ever... .heard tell of this before.

Then... .I hear a little bit of my wife mumbling in another room about "he got what he wanted... .I knew I should have "acted and not reacted"

No idea who he is... .or what it is that "he" wanted.

Sigh... .

I'm tired... .would like to talk with my wife about serious things... plans... .priorities.

She seems to be in a "short answer huff" when I ask her things a few hours after the incident.

FF

[Notwendy]

Call this "woman's intuition" or just a wild guess but... .

I think there is some underlying emotional issues surrounding this move that are being stirred up. The topic- being it about where to live or moving the piano is a smokescreen. Without some connection to the underlying emotions, I think the topics- moving, the piano, will have a similar pattern- the two of you being at opposite ends of the decision and wife digging in her heels.

Listen to the "story" she says, not the facts. It may not make logical sense to you, but it is her interpretations of the situation, and whenever the two of you are in a position of what she wants or what you want, the emotional drama will play a part.

I gave the example of my H's fear that if I become involved in a personal interest, I will leave him and then meet someone else. This is possible, but it really doesn't make sense in context of what we are discussing. Before I figured this out, this fear was at the bottom of many decisions- my going to work, taking on a hobby, taking a trip. H would throw out all kinds of logical reasons such as " I know I said I would do this, but I am too busy to watch the kids, you can't go to your hobby group tonight" " I can't leave work to help with the kids" ( even though he can leave for things he wants to do). I have to earn the living to support this family, so you can not expect to be able to go to your work conference ". I bought into this logic for years, and basically isolated myself. I was miserable. He felt safer. Once I understood the underlying emotions, I no longer participated in the circular and "logical" arguments, because the "logic" was based on an illogical assumption. His feelings did not mean they would become facts.

This fear plays itself out in any discussions about moving. It plays out in social situations. Co-ed group situations are stressful because, well, there is the chance I might talk to men. We have no friends as a couple, and all my close friends are female. I socialize with them by myself. It plays out in how we handle finances, because, well, I could use it to run off. This fear has caused much unhappiness in the marriage, and has made decisions very difficult to agree on.

IMHO, the emotions are likely to play out in many ways. The piano, well that is just the smoke, and where there is smoke... .

[formflier]

 

You are very likely correct and I shouldn't spend to much time trying to figure out... .what can't be figured out.

The part that gets me... .is how the rest of the foo is hooked into this.

They were not party to my wife and I discussing this... .we were outside in a vehicle.

Well... .she goes stomping in the house and tells kids to get shoes on... .and she and her dad get into it.

So... .?  Had they been discussing prior to? 

There is another "family dynamic" where a controversial subject (in their minds) remains hidden until the last second.  It gets brought up as "no big deal... .we've been "talking" about this for a while" and the effort is made to jam the issue over the goal line.

It's last second so no time for discussion or understanding... .how can the person not just get on board (it's not always me that is last to know)... and if they don't get on board they "ruin everything".

It's been a while since I have seen that dynamic... perhaps it has showed back up.

FF

[Notwendy]

I don't just look at dysfunction in an individual, but also in the family as a unit. It's similar to the idea of homeostasis, in biology, where things act together to keep a balance. If something is off balance, the system adjusts to keep things in balance. So, a dysfunctional system has a way of interacting that stabilizes the system, even if the individual units are not stable on their own. This can be seen in pair where- a rescuer needs someone to rescue, the family "black child" serves as a scapegoat, and so on.

Families are going to have some kind of stresses no matter what, such as moving, a new baby, an empty nest. All these things are changes that can cause stress on the system. Emotionally stable individuals in stable families will handle these things in stable ways. The family is initially out of balance and will regain balance in a stable way

When a dysfunctional family is stressed, they are also pushed off balance, and then, they may increase their dysfunctional ways of maintaining balance to regain their sense of balance.

Visiting our families is a stressful situation because we are both entering the dysfunctional systems we grew up in, and it is almost unconscious to take on our original roles. I first noticed this as a teen, when my grandfather visited and my mother and he would get into arguments. It was pretty uncomfortable to see her screaming at him like a teen age girl. ( I didn't understand why at the time).  I have tried to be aware of my own potential for regression when I am visiting and I can see where my siblings can fall into their childhood patterns. I am uncomfortable when we visit my H's family as I can see everyone take their positions in the family dynamics.

The move is a stressor- for any family, and your wife and her FOO are likely gonna do what they are gonna do, in their own dysfunctional ways. Rather than try to figure out why, I just observe that this is the way they are, and try to keep out of the mud with the FOO as much as possible if you can, and also have boundaries with how much they are involved if you can.