She always finds something wrong

[empathic]

My wife was recently away for four days straight. That's like a vacation for me. I could feel the first steps of beginning to heal mentally. I gladly provided for the kids. Drove them back and forth to their activities, cooked them meals, prepared schoolwork. A lot of work, but I like it, it feels fulfilling.

My stress levels went up slightly the day when my wife was to come home. I cleaned up some things in the house that I know stresses her out. Then picked her up at the bus station. As soon as she gets home she starts finding things wrong. A table that my daughter had some papers on that she was drawing on - things needed to move to another table immediately.

And to top it off, when I was sitting at the computer she made a big deal that I hadn't packed up some leftover fruit from my daughters school bag.

I can feel anger about the above, but feels like there is no point in showing it, as she'd blow up if I did. It's not right though.

And, of course, she brought gifts from her trip for the kids, but not for me.

[ArleighBurke]

Yep.

Doesn't feel right does it. My wife is the same. Last time, I worked my butt off to finish a major home project in time for her return. I had 15minutes left and I either finished the project, or cleaned up - I couldn't do both. So I finished the project. I picked up my wife and warned her that I had yet to clean up. Said I was happy to drop her at the local shops for 15mins so I could clean before she came home. She said no - take me home. Then all I heard about for a week was how my priorities were wrong and I didn't care about her... .

Mind you, my brother says the same thing about his non-BPD wife, and my best friend about his non-BPD wife. Both say she'll come home and whatever she sees immediately she "believes" to be an indication of the whole day. So if they are on the couch when she comes home, he must have been there all day. If she comes home and a child is crying, he's obviously mis-managed the situation. Perhaps it's just a normal human thing?

[empathic]

Mind you, my brother says the same thing about his non-BPD wife, and my best friend about his non-BPD wife. Both say she'll come home and whatever she sees immediately she "believes" to be an indication of the whole day. So if they are on the couch when she comes home, he must have been there all day. If she comes home and a child is crying, he's obviously mis-managed the situation. Perhaps it's just a normal human thing?

Thanks for your reply. I think you're right, that the basic scenario can be a normal human thing. What doesn't feel normal is the way she presents these "findings", in a total humorless "I am better than you" way.

Also, after being away for four days at a nice hotel, with nice company and nice food - you'd think that person could be more relaxed when coming home, but no (I have always had hope like that though, and it's never come true).

What isn't normal either are my codependency (PTSD) thoughts before she comes home and the worrying about it.

Sorry to hear that you've also been through it. A really nice offer to drop her off at the shops and clean up before she got home.

[Lou12]

Hate to say it gents but this is just normal women behaviour  we hate going out/away and returning to a messy home. It makes going out/away not much fun when you have to come home to a messy home! I know all my friends are the same too, it's a conversation we have regularly!

[empathic]

Hate to say it gents but this is just normal women behaviour  we hate going out/away and returning to a messy home. It makes going out/away not much fun when you have to come home to a messy home! I know all my friends are the same too, it's a conversation we have regularly!

I appreciate your perspective, but I'd like to point out that "messy" can mean different things to different people. By my definition (and probably many others) the home was not messy. Entrance hall, kitchen were spotless. Living room and other rooms pretty much in the same state as when she left. Garden was trimmed.

My wifes definition of messy can be one table with the kids stuff on it, that takes about 5 minutes to clear. I don't see why that would be worth getting upset about.

[Lou12]

Yes totally agree with you, I don't dispute you at all. However I am exactly the same and I'm not BPD. A womans home is the same as a mans office. We like everything exactly as it should be and if she's a woman who is as much of a neat freak as me then things out of place leaves me very grumpy indeed. I know my friends are the same.

I am certainly not making light of your situation though and I suspect her being this way on top of her BPD drives you to the limit, alls I'm saying is that this may not be a BPD trait as much as just a woman's way x

[empathic]

Yes totally agree with you, I don't dispute you at all. However I am exactly the same and I'm not BPD. A womans home is the same as a mans office. We like everything exactly as it should be and if she's a woman who is as much of a neat freak as me then things out of place leaves me very grumpy indeed. I know my friends are the same.

I am certainly not making light of your situation though and I suspect her being this way on top of her BPD drives you to the limit, alls I'm saying is that this may not be a BPD trait as much as just a woman's way x

Thanks, no worries, didn't think you did. :-) Just wanted to clarify my situation.

Me and my wife don't really have the traditional roles when it comes to these things. I'm more of a home person and like to choose furniture etc as well, something that I'm blocked from because she doesn't compromise when it comes to what she wants.

I'd be happy to work less and take care of the kids more, like I did a few years ago. Doesn't really work now as my wife is home all the time, working on different projects or meeting friends. She can afford it due to a large inheritance. Also, she hasn't been able to stay at a job without conflicts escalating.

Things are awkward when it's just my wife and me. In either case, I can't see our marriage lasting when the kids get older.