My undiagnosed BPD is not afraid to be separated from me

[Greeceheidired]

My husband traveled for work and went on weekend fishing trips on occasion without apparent fear of abandonment.  We are married 14 years with children.  I never had the feeling that he feared being abandoned and he didn't threaten suicide.  He did self medicate with alcohol/pain pills to the point where I called 911 once because i thought he had a stroke. So I am questioning whether it is really BPD?  separated for 8 months he has a never attempted to reconcile, although he texts me once in a blue moon that he loves and misses me. Has anyone experienced this? 

I text him with problems I am having with our daughter sometimes and he won't respond, unless it's about logistics.  It's almost as if he is doing no contact with me. I'm Really confused.

[patientandclear]

Being alone is not being abandoned. Thus, the BPD tendency to leave pre-emptively.

It feels better and different to have a r/ship knowing that you made the decision for some reason you can identify. It may be clearer to understand fear of abandonment as fear of rejection.

[Greeceheidired]

That does help me to understand, thank you.  Sometimes the things I  read  confuse me. My husband was more detached and never called, or anything incessantly but he avoided conflict like the plague and placed all responsibility on me for peace.  In other words drop it (trying to talk and resolve inappropriate behavior )  and everything will be ok.   

Does it make sense that I frequently felt that he was treating me like his mother?  He talks to her in a condescending/angrily  tone sometimes  and i remember before we were married hearing that and saying, you better never talk to me that ways, it's not nice. I want thinking.

[shatra]

Greece---

  Some take a longer time to cycle and recycle (some try to reunite in days, some after a year or more).  He may be quieter and less intense than other people with BPD.

Patient wrote---

Being alone is not being abandoned. Thus, the BPD tendency to leave pre-emptively.

----Do u mean th e tendency for them to leave when they fear the pertner is about to leave?

It feels better and different to have a r/ship knowing that you made the decision for some reason you can identify. It may be clearer to understand fear of abandonment as fear of rejection.

-----Do you mean different to have a relationship end knowing you made the decision for some reason you can identify?  As opposed to it being out of the blue and for little reason?

[Greeceheidired]

Shatra, we has psych testing and it showed he was easily unbalanced on daily basis,  unable to manage relationships, detached, used defenses because lacks resources, impulsive, uses fantasy to cope BUT relies on intellect to make decisions. Is that consistent in your opinion?  That is a little confusing to me for someone who is impossible and overwhelmed emotionally.  Just prior to separating he went on a drinking binge and said over and over, you hate me, I'm overwhelmed by the hate.  This occurred after he accidentally located a journal I wrote with significant upsetting events.  I began wiring when I would try to resolve the conflict and his "perspective" was completely different from mine and began to question myself.  He genuinely seemed perplexed by my details of events. 

[shatra]

greece wrote

we has psych testing and it showed he was easily unbalanced on daily basis,  unable to manage relationships, detached, used defenses because lacks resources, impulsive, uses fantasy to cope BUT relies on intellect to make decisions. Is that consistent in your opinion?

-----Impulsive and detached? That sounds inconsistent. Defended and relying on intellect sounds like the 2 things match.  Why has he not attempted to reconcile in 8 months, do you think?  Some BPs try to reconcile after a year or more apart, they don't always recycle quickly

[Greeceheidired]

I think detached because not equipped to deal with  emotions. Maybe for the same reason he drinks. But the making decisions on intellect vs emotions or impulsively I'm not sure about.  I don't know why about the time frame.  I wanted a separation, i.asked for an informal short one but things got ugly, and he ended up filing claiming I abandoned him and created a toxic situation.  His family was involved and told him if he was leaving to do it formally, although they were upset about it.  A week before christmas, with children I was shocked. I have not attempted to reconcile and we ve had very had some nasty texts.  Recently he has told me he loved me and misses me.  But isn't it hard for them to come back when they have devalued you to family and friends.  I don't know what he tells others though. I thought he would see the light! !

[Svarl1]

Don't know if this helps but your H reminds me, in some ways, of myself:

Detached, intellectualIising rather than emoting, difficulty understanding emotions, can be scared of overt conflict, NOT particularly fearful of abandonment, used fantasy to cope.

However I have never had a drink or painkiller problem.

I have occasionally been impulsive,  only after feeling pressured to think of a solution which would make everything ok, yet being unable to.

I have never been diagnosed with BPD. Was once though I may have schizo typal but not definite.

Never considered myself to have BPD but consider myself to have some narcissistic and avoidant traits.

I believe that I lack a strong sense of selfhood and have sometimes felt myself hopelessly grasping around, thinking "what am I supposed to be feeling? "

More recently I came across the work of David M Allen - you can search out his blog - which fascinated me.

His thesis is that people have disfunctional roles in their family, which could make it a duty to mess up relationships

[Greeceheidired]

Interesting, are you male? was your mother intrusive, controlling and father emotionally unavailable?

I remember looking that up but the lack of interest on sex was a big difference.  I'm going to look it up again.

[Svarl1]

Hi Greece, sorry for slow reply.

Yes, am male.

Both parents sober and responsible in a practical / financial way. Would spend time with the kids doing activities.

But yes, emotionally unavailable in some respects.

Father especially was closed book emotionally.  There seems to be something of a disconnect in his life which he never discussed.

Mother not controlling in an overt, strict way. But i did find it difficult to express myself around her, as I do now around my wife.

I got the strange feeling in adolescence that I somehow needed to hold back from growing up.  Maybe as if one or both of my parents couldn't take it. But as I recall it was all very unspoken,  like there weren't even words to express it.

I still don't understand what it was about.  Maybe I need therapy!

I have only had one really proper relationship.  But almost from the start felt that I don't want to be in it. Ambivalent at the best of times. But i have always had a massive feeling that I don't have permission to leave. Only when she was physically violent towards me did I leave, but she persuaded me to come back. She had terrible possesiveness and abandonment issues, but these seem to have reduced a lot over the years.

So we have both contributed to a painful relationship but each felt unable to let go.

One silver lining of her efforts to isolate me, has been that I now feel less enmeshed with my parents.

It feels to me as if your husband also has some kind of enmeshment with his parents.  It may be that they were so controlling (in some, perhaps not obvious, way) that he has not fully developed his own personality.

The reason I mentioned David M Allen is that his theories say that some people are 'trained' to fulfil some disfunctional role within their birth family.  This role takes precedence over the child's own individuation. The child may internalise the role and continue it into adulthood without being aware of it. It can drive a person to make a mess of their own life and their relationships.  This serves some purpose to the parents, who perhaps make a big scene about how they always have to deal with the fallout.

Allen thinks the purpose is sometimes to distract from the failings or misery of another family member, in which case the child is messing everything up in order to become a scapegoat.

I'm not saying that this is definitely what happened in your husband's family or my own, but reading about it did make sense to me on some level.

In any case, I think your husband needs to confront his feelings if he is to ever have a solid relationship.

If he is anything like me, there may be a part of him that wants to go there, but also a part that wants to, or feels obligated to, resist.