Smear Campaign

[November_Rain]

My stb EX has been informally dx with BPD by our marriage therapist although he refused to accept it and stopped going afterwards. After less than 2 years of marriage, physical abuse, verbal and emotional to me and my 2 older children from my first marriage I finally left. We had a baby together who is now 9 months old. We went through 3 restraining orders, multiple military protection orders, police involvement, the whole nine yards. I have filed for divorce and we are waiting for a hearing to set up a timesharing order. He has not seen the baby in about a month. I have offered for him to visit with her, however he refused saying that he did not want to be babysat, that he wanted to take her. I said no, knowing that if he did he did not have to return her until we got in front of a judge. So he has chosen not to see her at all. He has started a smear campaign against me involving everyone at my church where I have attended since high school. I have stopped attending because I know he is now going and can take the baby from me. So he is there crying like a baby telling lies and having everyone take his side. I'm a very private person so I don't go around and spread my personal business. There are a few people at church we went to for help that knew about the abuse and I was told to let my older children go live with their dad. But they were never the problem! My husband was the problem. Him hitting me was the problem! Now I feel like everyone is on his side and some of my closet friends are against me and I am only trying to protect my child. Only someone who has lived with a BPD person can understand the true nature of the abuse you live with. Anyone have any suggestions on how to stop the smear campaign? He is even calling my family. How do I make this stop?

[enlighten me]

Has he said anything that is slanderous or libellous? Is there any evidence of what he did to you? Witnesses, police reports or hospital reports?

If you can counter his claims them you could report him for libel or slander. It is an offence in the UK so Im sure it would be in the US.

By taking legal action against him it would make some people reconsider his version.

In the long run Ive found my exs are very good at burning bridges. The more intense the drama they cause the quicker they do it and run. It may take a couple of years but your ex will be seen through and when this happens you will be vindicated.

[Linda Maria]

Hi November Rain!  So sorry to hear what you're going through.  Your situation is more extreme than mine - my uBPD person is my sister, who started a massive smear campaign against me after my mother died.  It is very hard for people who are friends or family to know the truth, so it really hurts that they might doubt you - although after a while, most people do realise that in fact what is being said doesn't make any sense, but they don't want to get involved.  When professional people or outside parties with no emotional attachment get involved - in my case I had to get estate agents and solicitors involved to sort out my late Mum's estate as my sister was blocking everything - the behaviour and lies are completely exposed - it becomes obvious that none of it makes any sense and for me that really helped as I did feel like I was going mad and no-one understood.  So that would be my advice - any time I had to communicate with uBPDsis, I copied in relevant parties, even if it wasn't necessary - it was my protection that when she later told lies about what I'd said and done I had witnesses who knew the truth.  It did stop a lot of the nasty communications - because there was no longer any point.  I documented everything as at one stage it looked like I would have to go to court to get her removed as an executor or it would have gone on for ever - it went right to the wire - but when she realised she was going to have to lie to a judge she finally caved in and co-operated.  I do wish you well - it is hard - but with some support and determination you will get free of this.  Good luck  JB

[November_Rain]

I have plenty of police reports and a restraining order, pictures of bruises, hospital reports to document the abuse. My children can verify the emotional and verbal abuse. The difference is we don't go around telling everyone about it like he does. He makes up extreme lies to get everyone on his side like saying that I talk about people behind their backs, I'm cheating on him, I've abused him, and so on. He's very manipulative. I never pictured him being this type of a man when I married him less than 2 years ago. I see now why he has no friends.

[enlighten me]

Truth always comes out in the end. My ex wife could never keep on top of her stories. She couldn't remember who she told what to. In the end it always got to a huge knotted mess and she would cut and run.

If his behaviour is threatening your standing at the church then it might be worth confiding in one of the leaders there. Take the police reports ad hospital reports and show them. If its done confidentially then you wont have to worry about the truth getting out and stirring it up but you may have someone fighting your corner that could turn things around for you. The right person showing you support will sway others even if they cant understand why this person is doing it. You shouldn't have to avoid things you like because of lies.

[maxen]

I have plenty of police reports and a restraining order, pictures of bruises, hospital reports to document the abuse. My children can verify the emotional and verbal abuse.

good, was going to ask if you did.

I'm cheating on him

i wonder if this would rise to the level of slander. can you ask a lawyer? it might be different state to state (i think it does in my state).

I see now why he has no friends.

that doesn't speak well for his credibility! so when you say

Now I feel like everyone is on his side

how many people is that? what you're going through is absolutely horrible, but is there someone you can rely on for support, someone who won't just believe what they hear from one person?

The more intense the drama they cause the quicker they do it and run.

that certainly was my experience.

[Indyan]

Hi, your situation sounds a lot similar to mine

I have a D11 from previous marriage, and a baby boy now 20 months. When baby was about 6 months now ex's mental health started to seriously decline and he started accusing me of all sort of crap, especially of being violent. When he was having crazy moods, smashing things, screaming, even kicking kids and me out to sleep at a hotel.

His family came to "save" him from me, as *poor him* he's being the victim here. He then did all sort of things to destroy me, things I would have never thought of (writing to benefits, sending notice to landlord, sending me registered mail all the time, coming to take baby by force, filing complaints of violence and child kidnapping etc.)

The kids and I went through hell, and with my family living far away I felt totally alone (apart from a few friends). I truly thought I wouldn't survive.

At first I tried to satisfy him by trying to arrange visits at his place once a week... .he never respected the schedule, and carried on with false allegations. I ended up at the police, being accused of running him over with my car (in fact running away from him one day he was trying to take baby away). And so forth.

After 9 months of hell, I'd lost 10 kilos and lived in constant panic. That's when I decided to stop contact.

He kept banging on my door, and sent emails and letters daily.

Two months later, I tried to organize a mediated meeting lasting the entire week end with a pastor. My ex used to show lots of respect for religion. We spent the week-end at the monastery (he was strange and cold), and there, when it was time to leave, he set us up. Right in front of the priest who later on testified of my ex's violent behaviour. He tried to leave with baby. I KNEW just like you that he wouldn't bring baby back until 1st Sept when court was scheduled.

After that I went NC again, no choice.

Of course at court his lawyer tried to play the "poor daddy" card.

The judge asked how long he hadn't seen his son. He answered "6 months", judge said "then it will have to be progressive."

My L explained why we think he's mentally ill.

I received the court order last week. He is NOT allowed to take baby with him for the next 6 months, when we'll have to go to court again. He's entitled to supervised visitation twice a month.

Judge wrote that my concerns were genuine, that he seems to be minimising his "problems".

We have to undergo psych eval and a social enquiry.

All this to say: stick to what you believe is true and gather evidence.

All the time I refused to give him our baby, I had to resist pressure on all parts, including my L's.

"You cannot deny him his father's rights".

I chose to ignore this as I KNEW he was ill and that my son is not safe with him.

Weeks after I started going NC, I learnt my holiday home had been shot with 7 bullets... . 

Today I congrat myself for sticking to what I believed was right, as if I hadn't judge wouldn't believe my concerns.

Like you, the way he goes on distorting reality is something I just can't live with. I've always tried to be the best person I can, I'm not violent and raise my kids to become generous and hearted people. I just don't get why someone would do what he does, and even less how can some people like his family BELIEVE his lies. And he's found a horrible woman who's totally hypnotised by him and whom he can manipulate like a guru.

Good luck, my heart goes out to you as I know how hard all this is 

[Indyan]

I never pictured him being this type of a man when I married him less than 2 years ago. I see now why he has no friends.

$Oh GOd, I could have written this myself.

We werent married though, he'd just proposed.

And he has no friends either... .not even one.

All the "evidence" he showed to court came from his lousy family. A schizo mum, a carpet dad, and two horrible sisters who wrote lies about me, including that I "scared" my daughter !

The judge wrote that "his evidence was biased".

On my side, friends, my D11's dad, the priest, my D's psychologist etc.

No family testified of anything.

[November_Rain]

Responding to Indyan~

Yes they do seem very similar. I wonder... .is it another similarity that our BPD's have extremely close ties to their families? Especially their moms? Mine has an extreme overdependence on his mom and dad even though he has been in the military living thousands of miles away. He would call home every day to talk to both parents, unable to make even the slightest decision on his own.

As far as his friends go, he only has friends that are people that he once worked with in the military. While he works with them, he's not friends with them though. When they part ways he friends them on facebook and suddenly they are friends. So not real friends. Most everyone in our church has only seen him the last month since I stopped going so they only have his side. They hear his sob story about how I have refused to let him see our daughter for 5 weeks now. He doesn't mention how I have invited him to come and visit with her at my aunt's home. Until there is a custody order, I will not allow him to take her because I won't get her back. He is too angry with me and he will keep her just to hurt me. In all of our conversations, he never asks anything about her. It's all about why he is angry at me. Also, the last time he was home he grabbed me/hit me twice with her in my arms. That is not the first time that he has shown violence to me with the potential to hit her instead. So it hurts that they only hear one side but I'm not willing to do as he is doing and shout my business to everyone. I just keep praying this will be over soon and that God will open these people's eyes to see the kind of man my husband truly is.

[Indyan]

He doesn't mention how I have invited him to come and visit with her at my aunt's home. Until there is a custody order, I will not allow him to take her because I won't get her back. He is too angry with me and he will keep her just to hurt me. In all of our conversations, he never asks anything about her. It's all about why he is angry at me. Also, the last time he was home he grabbed me/hit me twice with her in my arms. That is not the first time that he has shown violence to me with the potential to hit her instead. So it hurts that they only hear one side but I'm not willing to do as he is doing and shout my business to everyone. I just keep praying this will be over soon and that God will open these people's eyes to see the kind of man my husband truly is.

I make the same prayers, but what they think does not matter that much - that's what I keep repeating myself. The feeling of injustice is just unbearable, but sticking to the truth will eventually pay back, I want to believe in this.

Is there a place where you can stay until court order?

You have more than enough evidence to explain why you can't leave baby to him.

In my case I couldn't go anywhere - especially since my holiday home was devastated :-((

I still can't believe the monster he's become, and I can't help wondering: was he like this already (but hiding it) or is it the illness that has turned him into this evil person?

Things just keep running around in my head, it's been like this for over a year.