Independence

[Parkpossum]

My daughter is 20. had plans for college, didn't follow through, changes friends, (when they disagree) changes jobs when she stops getting pats on the back or if there is a problem that is never her fault. Hates everyone in family, is angry all the time, doesn't respect us or our things, trashes the house, is a very verbally abusive, over eats, over spends, is immature.

Can I tell her to move out? Will that make her more responsible? I have other children who are suffering. My marriage is suffering. We are so tired of this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Hi Parkpossum,

My dd20 left home at the age of 17yo and has done all the things you describe and more

Before she left home it was probably pretty much like your home by the sounds of it. Well my dd finally walked out shortly after her 17th birthday.She had threatened to do so many times and pretty much lived with whomever she could for the first year. I think she moved around quite a a lot in that first year as each living arrangement would finally break down but I was determined not to rescue her as she had no intention of changing her behaviour.

Within that first year she got pregnant with her first child and then managed to get housed before getting pregnant again. So now she has 2 children and a roof over her head. She shops, cooks and pays her own bills on time and lives independently quite successfully on her own all things taken into account and she has shown a lot of resillance coping in the real world. The only thing I really used to take issue with was her living conditions especially now she has the kids and I used to go round there to help clean up until she said that I was interfering and she didnt ask for me to do it so now I dont.

I still worry about my gc though and how they are being looked after but dd now has a sw who is really on the ball so I know that she has to really up her game where the gc are concerned which gives me some reassurance.

I cant advise you to throw your dd out, but if you feel that you have no other option you need to make sure that you have a plan of what you will do for her to gain this independence, and if things should go wrong.

Because my dd walked out she sorted her own accommdation out. I was actually waiting until she reached 18yo before telling her to leave and I think then I would have felt more obligated to helping her find somewhere to live. I had considered if I knew someone who could have taken her in, any housing waiting lists I could have got her on, and if it came to the worse, what grounds I would have be willing to let her come back home. Only if  she agreed to ongoing therapy could she have come back home because the behavoural contract we had before she left home was totally ineffective.

I know how tired you are. I have been there and when things were really bad thought that I couldnt even do another day of it, nevermind another year! Only you can make your decision based on your circumstances which are unique to you. I wish some peace.


All the best  

[lbjnltx]

Setting up rules for the home that everyone must follow and the consequences of not following them puts the responsibility on her to step up to the plate or move.  At 20 years old living with your parents is a privilege that needs to be earned.

JMO

lbj

[mimi99]

 Your daughter's story sounds very much like ours. At 24 she hadn't been doing anything to help herself or her 4 y/o daughter. Changing jobs and career paths frequently, changing friends whenever she didn't like what one had to say, going back to old destructive relationships, laying on the couch all day, only looking up from her phone to scold her daughter. When she spent several weeks in May with her newest bf we wouldn't allow her to come back home. She raged for a long time, accusing us of stealing her child (who she essentially abandoned for weeks) and throwing her out when she was "getting help for her mental illness". Nevermind that she was not in any kind of treatment at the time. We just couldn't take it anymore. Walking on eggshells certainly has taken it's toll on us.

I can't say if kicking her out will make her more responsible, but I'm pretty sure staying with you won't either. I finally realized that I couldn't save my daughter and for my own sanity I had to make her leave. At the beginning she stayed with various friends until they became more aware of her behavior and threw her out. At one point she was living in her van. Now she is working 2 jobs and living with her bf's parents (paying rent). My opinion about how and what she is doing is irrelevant, as she is an adult. Since we now have custody of our gd5 we need not worry as much about protecting her.


I do have boundaries when it comes to visitation and she is no longer welcome in our home after her last rage. I won't tolerate verbal abuse and I no longer bail her out financially. If she needs something I tell her how to go about getting it, instead of doing it for her. It was so hard to kick her out, but I know--every day--that it was the right thing to do for our well-being and our granddaughters, too. I still grieve, but am healing thanks to a therapist and the people on this website

[Kate4queen]

my biggest fear for years was that my son would move out. He used the threat to keep us all in place. About the 10th time he walked out we let him. He left because we attempted to establish some basic ground rules of how a 20 year old with no job relying entirely on his parents should treat said parents in their own home.

And this time when he left we didn't go after him or beg him to come back. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. When he did turn up and went into a rage I threatened to call the police-another first for me.

It was terrifying but you know what? he found plenty of people who felt sorry enough for him having such Terrible Parents to house him for 6 months. At this point when in danger of becoming homeless he became a lot more conciliatory with his horrible parents and we came to some financial and accommodation arrangements with him with clearly set out time limits and boundaries.

Three years later he seems to be doing okay. He has 2 jobs. We don't give him money anymore. The only thing he gets is a roof over his head in the 1 bed apartment we rent for his brother. That's going to end in one year as well.

So if your DD won't accept your boundaries then I suspect she will manage. You might not like the way she does it, but she will be out of your home. And sometimes you have to focus on saving as many family members as you can.